I finally did it...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 26
I finally did it...
It's been a few months since I last posted. My husband is a functioning alcoholic with a successful career, we have a toddler, and I have since given birth to another child.
During the end of my pregnancy, husband was amazing and helpful, especially when I was put on bed rest. We really felt more in love and connected than we had been in years.
Since the birth, things have gone back and even gotten worse. Husband's drinking is extreme again and he has been completely apathetic about his job, being gone more than being there. We've had a few blow ups about it, but it all came to a head yesterday.
Yesterday, after he had been drinking, he told me he was angry with everything, didn't care about his job, and worst of all, that he never wanted children. I was very hurt by this, because we actively tried together to get pregnant with #2. #1 was a surprise, but a much loved surprise by both of us. Husband loves our children, and can be a great father when he is not drinking. (yes, I know parents who are alcoholics are not "great" parents, actually, my main issue with the drinking is the effect on our children). I feel like he invalidated a large part of our marriage, our children.
So I finally did it. I told him that he needs to move out to get help. That I can no longer try to push him to get help, that he needs to do it. And that he refuses to get help while here with us, that he needs to be apart from us. I told him that I think he's depressed and drinking, but knowing that doesn't change the harm it is doing to us as a family. I love him, and am not saying we need a divorce or even a formal separation, but we can't have him here and have him not get help.
He came and grabbed a bag during lunch, and he texted me and asked me where he should start looking for help. I said an addiction therapist, but I did not find one for him (I would have done that in the past).
He told me last night that he's going to drink more if he's on his own, but I told him that was his personal choice and that isn't a reason for him staying with us. This HURTS, and I am SO SAD about it, but I do feel this is the right thing. I love him so much, I want to be a supportive wife and family, but I honestly believe that he would never seek help if I didn't do this. Honestly, I don't know if he will get help this way either.
I am ashamed that it took me so long to get here, or that the reason was he hurt my feelings, not because it was best for the kids, but I did it. Now all I can do is pray that he gets the help he needs to get and doesn't spiral further down into the alcohol. I pray he gets healthy and comes home to us, for all of our sakes.
During the end of my pregnancy, husband was amazing and helpful, especially when I was put on bed rest. We really felt more in love and connected than we had been in years.
Since the birth, things have gone back and even gotten worse. Husband's drinking is extreme again and he has been completely apathetic about his job, being gone more than being there. We've had a few blow ups about it, but it all came to a head yesterday.
Yesterday, after he had been drinking, he told me he was angry with everything, didn't care about his job, and worst of all, that he never wanted children. I was very hurt by this, because we actively tried together to get pregnant with #2. #1 was a surprise, but a much loved surprise by both of us. Husband loves our children, and can be a great father when he is not drinking. (yes, I know parents who are alcoholics are not "great" parents, actually, my main issue with the drinking is the effect on our children). I feel like he invalidated a large part of our marriage, our children.
So I finally did it. I told him that he needs to move out to get help. That I can no longer try to push him to get help, that he needs to do it. And that he refuses to get help while here with us, that he needs to be apart from us. I told him that I think he's depressed and drinking, but knowing that doesn't change the harm it is doing to us as a family. I love him, and am not saying we need a divorce or even a formal separation, but we can't have him here and have him not get help.
He came and grabbed a bag during lunch, and he texted me and asked me where he should start looking for help. I said an addiction therapist, but I did not find one for him (I would have done that in the past).
He told me last night that he's going to drink more if he's on his own, but I told him that was his personal choice and that isn't a reason for him staying with us. This HURTS, and I am SO SAD about it, but I do feel this is the right thing. I love him so much, I want to be a supportive wife and family, but I honestly believe that he would never seek help if I didn't do this. Honestly, I don't know if he will get help this way either.
I am ashamed that it took me so long to get here, or that the reason was he hurt my feelings, not because it was best for the kids, but I did it. Now all I can do is pray that he gets the help he needs to get and doesn't spiral further down into the alcohol. I pray he gets healthy and comes home to us, for all of our sakes.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
Oh Honey. I so feel for you and your babies. I will never understand why they need to be so mean and hurtful and ruin the only good things they have in their lives (their families, usually).
You are very brave and you are exactly right to do what you did. You may want to limit your contact with him and let him see that you are not his security blanket by text or telephone.
When my youngest child (now 5) was 5 weeks old, my XAH pulled some cr@p like that. I told him he had to leave. 3 days later I let him come back.
I should not have let him come back in, as it was a very brief year before we were back in the same situation, but with more alcohol, more meanness, more me holding everything together for him. At home and work.
We are so vulnerable when we have young children. We are so susceptible to the myth of the perfect family.
I work in a DA's office. I have had conferences with 2 women this month who said "I tried again because I wanted my children to have a chance at an intact family, a home with a mom and a dad."
Well, you can't give that to them without his cooperation. And he has to want that more than he wants alcohol. This will not happen quickly, and I hope that you will learn to separate yourself from the fantasy of a happy family.
I wish you much strength and endless energy. Please take care of yourself.
You are very brave and you are exactly right to do what you did. You may want to limit your contact with him and let him see that you are not his security blanket by text or telephone.
When my youngest child (now 5) was 5 weeks old, my XAH pulled some cr@p like that. I told him he had to leave. 3 days later I let him come back.
I should not have let him come back in, as it was a very brief year before we were back in the same situation, but with more alcohol, more meanness, more me holding everything together for him. At home and work.
We are so vulnerable when we have young children. We are so susceptible to the myth of the perfect family.
I work in a DA's office. I have had conferences with 2 women this month who said "I tried again because I wanted my children to have a chance at an intact family, a home with a mom and a dad."
Well, you can't give that to them without his cooperation. And he has to want that more than he wants alcohol. This will not happen quickly, and I hope that you will learn to separate yourself from the fantasy of a happy family.
I wish you much strength and endless energy. Please take care of yourself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 26
Thank you, Stella, your post made me cry.
Can I ask for some guidance regarding him seeing the kids? I agree with you about distance and not being his support blanket. I'm the first to admit that I have been his #1 enabler, and don't want to be one anymore.
But I don't want to keep the kids from him. He loves them, and our toddler adores him. I don't even know what to tell our toddler about why Daddy isn't here.
When do I let him visit? We aren't legally separated, I am not ending my marriage, so I want to find some balance to have him away in order to give us separation, but not abandon or alienate him.
Can I ask for some guidance regarding him seeing the kids? I agree with you about distance and not being his support blanket. I'm the first to admit that I have been his #1 enabler, and don't want to be one anymore.
But I don't want to keep the kids from him. He loves them, and our toddler adores him. I don't even know what to tell our toddler about why Daddy isn't here.
When do I let him visit? We aren't legally separated, I am not ending my marriage, so I want to find some balance to have him away in order to give us separation, but not abandon or alienate him.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
Originally Posted by ObstructedView 
Thank you, Stella, your post made me cry.
Can I ask for some guidance regarding him seeing the kids? I agree with you about distance and not being his support blanket. I'm the first to admit that I have been his #1 enabler, and don't want to be one anymore.
But I don't want to keep the kids from him. He loves them, and our toddler adores him. I don't even know what to tell our toddler about why Daddy isn't here.
When do I let him visit? We aren't legally separated, I am not ending my marriage, so I want to find some balance to have him away in order to give us separation, but not abandon or alienate him.
Can I ask for some guidance regarding him seeing the kids? I agree with you about distance and not being his support blanket. I'm the first to admit that I have been his #1 enabler, and don't want to be one anymore.
But I don't want to keep the kids from him. He loves them, and our toddler adores him. I don't even know what to tell our toddler about why Daddy isn't here.
When do I let him visit? We aren't legally separated, I am not ending my marriage, so I want to find some balance to have him away in order to give us separation, but not abandon or alienate him.
Does he have a friend you trust who would accompany him? Do you have a parent in the area?
You really need to see a lawyer, because when you are not giving the Alcoholic what he wants, all his feeling sorry for himself could easily turn into aggression directed at you. I can't tell you how often I have seen it.
He could simply decide that it's his house and that he is not leaving.
Or that they are his kids and he has as much right to them as you do.
Or that you can't tell him what to do.
Or that he shouldn't be paying your bills.
Or that as long as he doesn't live there, he doesn't have to be sober.
And you REALLY don't want him drunk around your babies.
I think you need to see a lawyer just to advise you of the best way to protect yourself.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 26
Originally Posted by stella27
I don't know your husband, but my husband used (and still does) my communications regarding the children as opportunities to get at me. Your home would be the safest place for visits as long as they are supervised by someone who is not you.
Does he have a friend you trust who would accompany him? Do you have a parent in the area?
You really need to see a lawyer, because when you are not giving the Alcoholic what he wants, all his feeling sorry for himself could easily turn into aggression directed at you. I can't tell you how often I have seen it.
He could simply decide that it's his house and that he is not leaving.
Or that they are his kids and he has as much right to them as you do.
Or that you can't tell him what to do.
Or that he shouldn't be paying your bills.
Or that as long as he doesn't live there, he doesn't have to be sober.
And you REALLY don't want him drunk around your babies.
I think you need to see a lawyer just to advise you of the best way to protect yourself.
Does he have a friend you trust who would accompany him? Do you have a parent in the area?
You really need to see a lawyer, because when you are not giving the Alcoholic what he wants, all his feeling sorry for himself could easily turn into aggression directed at you. I can't tell you how often I have seen it.
He could simply decide that it's his house and that he is not leaving.
Or that they are his kids and he has as much right to them as you do.
Or that you can't tell him what to do.
Or that he shouldn't be paying your bills.
Or that as long as he doesn't live there, he doesn't have to be sober.
And you REALLY don't want him drunk around your babies.
I think you need to see a lawyer just to advise you of the best way to protect yourself.
I have spoken to a lawyer a few years ago about my options, and I still have her number. In my state, it's either married or filing for divorce, there is no "legal separation".
Luckily for me, I also make a very good living, though not as good as him, but enough to fully support myself and 2 kids. My car is paid off, and we have no debt, so it would only be the home bills and the kids' daycare costs. I'm scared to handle a newborn and toddler by myself.
It is the fear that he would drink around the kids or try to take them which scares the holy h*ll out of me. And while I hope he wouldn't, we all know A's are unpredictable. The only thing keeping me sane is that he knows he cannot care for the newborn alone, he refuses to give up his sleep and the baby is attached to me.
I think I am going to try to do the visits here with him and me, and if it turns hostile, we do have trusted family who could be a voice of reason during visits. Our newborn is too young to be away from me for more than an hour anyway.
And part of me expects him to drink more because he's upset he's away from us, and that is how he copes. So yes, there is a huge chance that this move will drive him to drink more, but I have to accept that is his decision, and I am not responsible.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 13
I don't have much advice, but I just felt a lot of your post felt similar to my own situation and first I wanted to say WELL DONE and that you should be really proud of yourself (and definitely not ashamed). I think only other people who love/have loved an A can completely understand what a difficult thing this is to do and since I first posted on this site a few weeks ago I have found that to be such a relief, having others who understand what you are going through. Previously I thought no one else could possibly undertstand.
You will see if you read my earlier posts that our stories are quite similar. My partner is also a functioning alcoholic with his own business, and we have a two year old little boy (who also adores his daddy!) I agree, it is so sad, and it hurts so much, and I can't imagine having a newborn to look after at this point as well. When my son was born my partner was also 'great' (i.e. normal) for a month, but it spiralled downhill. 2 weekends ago was a bit of a turning point for me - I spent the weekend away from him with my son, after a week of him drinking every day, and had come to the conclusion that he would have to leave if he continued to refuse to get help for drinking. Fortunately, this seems to have relaly hit him quite hard and he seems to have made a good go of things and has been sober since, and to 2 AA meetings (although I realise it's early days so not holding my breath) but I have some hope now at least... I have been so stressed however, and had a seizure last week, and now having tests for epilepsy :-( so I echo the comment above, you should take care of yourself. :-)
Wishing you peaceful times whatever happens x
You will see if you read my earlier posts that our stories are quite similar. My partner is also a functioning alcoholic with his own business, and we have a two year old little boy (who also adores his daddy!) I agree, it is so sad, and it hurts so much, and I can't imagine having a newborn to look after at this point as well. When my son was born my partner was also 'great' (i.e. normal) for a month, but it spiralled downhill. 2 weekends ago was a bit of a turning point for me - I spent the weekend away from him with my son, after a week of him drinking every day, and had come to the conclusion that he would have to leave if he continued to refuse to get help for drinking. Fortunately, this seems to have relaly hit him quite hard and he seems to have made a good go of things and has been sober since, and to 2 AA meetings (although I realise it's early days so not holding my breath) but I have some hope now at least... I have been so stressed however, and had a seizure last week, and now having tests for epilepsy :-( so I echo the comment above, you should take care of yourself. :-)
Wishing you peaceful times whatever happens x
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
I am so sorry for the hurt the comment about not wanting children must have caused.
I had a similar type of comment said to me and I think its something I will never forget.
I agree take care of yourself and your babies xx
I had a similar type of comment said to me and I think its something I will never forget.
I agree take care of yourself and your babies xx
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: New Englander in Michigan
Posts: 52
Whether or not he ever helps himself enough to be clean/sober makes no difference on you and your children having happy lives. Yes, it sounds trite, but what you did now was so strong and so brave and so smart that you actually gave you and your children the gift of peace, hope and sanity and potentially a better life without his chaos.
Take care and congratulations on having baby #2.
Take care and congratulations on having baby #2.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 26
Well, any doubts I had were erased by today.
I had to run an errand, and on my way home, I passed one of his favorite haunts. It was 3pm and his car was there.
I'll admit to a moment of weakness that I texted him that I saw his car there and was disappointed. He gave me some line about meeting his client there. His client is a barely functioning A, so whatever. I told him it was his choice and I didn't need an apology.
I honestly thinks that he thought that meant I wasn't upset. I'm trying to not be, but I don't need his apology because it means nothing. Today just reinforces that he needs to be gone.
He's coming by tomorrow morning because we're putting the house on the market (unrelated), and I need his help with heavy stuff. I plan on using his time here to go to the gym and not be around him.
Also, my toddler seems unfazed by him not being here. I didn't have to explain a thing, toddler just said Daddy was in a hotel. Hasn't even wanted to call him. Makes me think I've been blind to the hurt.
I'm also going to get some help, though, because single parenting is so hard. I know I'll get used to it, but I'm feeling overwhelmed, and I can only take on so much at a time. I;;ve had depression, and I don't want to push it.
I had to run an errand, and on my way home, I passed one of his favorite haunts. It was 3pm and his car was there.
I'll admit to a moment of weakness that I texted him that I saw his car there and was disappointed. He gave me some line about meeting his client there. His client is a barely functioning A, so whatever. I told him it was his choice and I didn't need an apology.
I honestly thinks that he thought that meant I wasn't upset. I'm trying to not be, but I don't need his apology because it means nothing. Today just reinforces that he needs to be gone.
He's coming by tomorrow morning because we're putting the house on the market (unrelated), and I need his help with heavy stuff. I plan on using his time here to go to the gym and not be around him.
Also, my toddler seems unfazed by him not being here. I didn't have to explain a thing, toddler just said Daddy was in a hotel. Hasn't even wanted to call him. Makes me think I've been blind to the hurt.
I'm also going to get some help, though, because single parenting is so hard. I know I'll get used to it, but I'm feeling overwhelmed, and I can only take on so much at a time. I;;ve had depression, and I don't want to push it.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 26
You're totally right, Stella. It's hard, but less hard.
T is 3, and honestly, a great kid. Fairly self-sufficient, and helpful around the house. We've had a nice couple of days, no tantrums or issues. I'm sad right now because T is up there crying for Daddy, because Daddy wasn't available when T called him earlier. I know the reason why, and it angers me. Does the anger and disappointment go away?
I've been dealing with depression for the past 8 months, and I really don't want to push it. I'm enjoying it, but there are some evenings where I feel very worn thin trying to juggle it all. But this is nothing different from when AH was here, I felt worn thin then. But at least I'm only caring for 2 people now instead of 3.
And my little ones give me the cutest smiles, I don't even mind when I get puked on, lol. Looking into the baby's eyes and getting those first baby smiles reminds me that I am doing this for a reason.
T is 3, and honestly, a great kid. Fairly self-sufficient, and helpful around the house. We've had a nice couple of days, no tantrums or issues. I'm sad right now because T is up there crying for Daddy, because Daddy wasn't available when T called him earlier. I know the reason why, and it angers me. Does the anger and disappointment go away?
I've been dealing with depression for the past 8 months, and I really don't want to push it. I'm enjoying it, but there are some evenings where I feel very worn thin trying to juggle it all. But this is nothing different from when AH was here, I felt worn thin then. But at least I'm only caring for 2 people now instead of 3.
And my little ones give me the cutest smiles, I don't even mind when I get puked on, lol. Looking into the baby's eyes and getting those first baby smiles reminds me that I am doing this for a reason.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
Your 3 year old certainly loves his or her daddy, but they are pretty easily redirected. He or she probably felt the tension in the home but had no idea what it related to or what caused it.
Best of all, everybody in your house can go to bed early. There's no reason to stay up late. You can just go down when they do.
Best of all, everybody in your house can go to bed early. There's no reason to stay up late. You can just go down when they do.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 26
Well, it would appear things are not moving in a positive direction.
Last we left off, AH was supposed to be working on himself, working to come home. The kids and I left town this week to go visit family. AH was going to come, but with all of this, he made other plans. AH was supposed to meet up with some folks today, he didn't show, they reached out to me.
After 4 hours of calling and texting, I decided to check jail records. Yup, AH was arrested for a DUI last night.
I admit I broke down (in private, don't want to tell my family). Got a little hysterical. Called our friends to see if anyone knew what to do. His best friend went down to bail him out, but somebody already had. No idea who, and AH hasn't called me.
I'm so tired. Just so blankety-blank tired and worried. And starting to get pissed.
He hasn't called me, I don't know where he is, who he is with, how he is doing, etc. I don't know if he has figured out that I know yet or what he's planning on telling me. I don't know what I plan to do. Part of me just wants to march into a lawyer on Monday and start divorce proceedings. He isn't getting help, he's destroying his life. Thank God he didn't hurt someone.
I know I shouldn't rush into anything, but this is not the life I or my kids want or deserve. I'm so confused on how to proceed.
Last we left off, AH was supposed to be working on himself, working to come home. The kids and I left town this week to go visit family. AH was going to come, but with all of this, he made other plans. AH was supposed to meet up with some folks today, he didn't show, they reached out to me.
After 4 hours of calling and texting, I decided to check jail records. Yup, AH was arrested for a DUI last night.
I admit I broke down (in private, don't want to tell my family). Got a little hysterical. Called our friends to see if anyone knew what to do. His best friend went down to bail him out, but somebody already had. No idea who, and AH hasn't called me.
I'm so tired. Just so blankety-blank tired and worried. And starting to get pissed.
He hasn't called me, I don't know where he is, who he is with, how he is doing, etc. I don't know if he has figured out that I know yet or what he's planning on telling me. I don't know what I plan to do. Part of me just wants to march into a lawyer on Monday and start divorce proceedings. He isn't getting help, he's destroying his life. Thank God he didn't hurt someone.
I know I shouldn't rush into anything, but this is not the life I or my kids want or deserve. I'm so confused on how to proceed.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
Okay, wow. First, I'm sorry.
Second, I am glad you didn't know because it means that he isn't looking to you to fix his life. That makes it (a little) easier. Remember that you have 3 other people's lives to take care of (the babies and you). AND you didn't bail him out. He is not your problem, his court dates, his lawyer, his court dispositions are not your problem.
If you are done, then now would be a good time to get a divorce (strategically) but I am not recommending you do that. I'm just saying that the timing is good from the standpoint of getting full custody with limited visitation.
I'm not encouraging you to rush into a divorce. Just giving you some perspective form someone who wishes she had struck while the iron was hot on visitation issues. Divorce is no picnic, but protecting your babes is essential.
I think you are wise not to ask too many questions. Go ahead and tell your parents so they can help you, but I wouldn't try to seek out any more information.
Let it be HIS problem if you possibly can. If nothing else, it's a wake-up call to both of you that alcoholism isn't a matter of self-control and that you DO have to ask yourself what you and the children need in your lives.
Second, I am glad you didn't know because it means that he isn't looking to you to fix his life. That makes it (a little) easier. Remember that you have 3 other people's lives to take care of (the babies and you). AND you didn't bail him out. He is not your problem, his court dates, his lawyer, his court dispositions are not your problem.
If you are done, then now would be a good time to get a divorce (strategically) but I am not recommending you do that. I'm just saying that the timing is good from the standpoint of getting full custody with limited visitation.
I'm not encouraging you to rush into a divorce. Just giving you some perspective form someone who wishes she had struck while the iron was hot on visitation issues. Divorce is no picnic, but protecting your babes is essential.
I think you are wise not to ask too many questions. Go ahead and tell your parents so they can help you, but I wouldn't try to seek out any more information.
Let it be HIS problem if you possibly can. If nothing else, it's a wake-up call to both of you that alcoholism isn't a matter of self-control and that you DO have to ask yourself what you and the children need in your lives.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I would try, as best you can, to proceed as if none of this happened. Has it really changed anything in terms of what you had planned for the immediate future? You knew things haven't been going well for him (to put it mildly). You have taken steps to move on without him in the house for the time being. I think this latest chapter in the saga shows you made the right decision.
Just keep moving ahead, one foot in front of the other. Let things unfold. This is his problem to deal with.
Hugs,
Just keep moving ahead, one foot in front of the other. Let things unfold. This is his problem to deal with.
Hugs,
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 585
I'm so sorry for the pain and tumult you're going through. In a way, it's good that you and the children were not around for this, that you were out of town and he was out of the house when this happened. You and your kids were not in the front row to watch this happen, and while it doesn't make it any easier for you to swallow all this and figure out your next steps, it is a blessing in a way.
Do what you need to do for yourself and your children, but don't feel pressured to make any huge decisions if you're not ready. If you're not sure what to do, there is no issue with deciding to not do anything divorce-wise for the time being and simply breathing. You will know when/if you are ready to take that step. I don't think any of us can know just how much patience we have left, but I think we all know when that well has dried up.
I have to second what LC said as well...just keep on doing what you have been - taking care of yourself and your children. Let your husband take care of his own mess.
Sending you strength, hope, and hugs.
Do what you need to do for yourself and your children, but don't feel pressured to make any huge decisions if you're not ready. If you're not sure what to do, there is no issue with deciding to not do anything divorce-wise for the time being and simply breathing. You will know when/if you are ready to take that step. I don't think any of us can know just how much patience we have left, but I think we all know when that well has dried up.
I have to second what LC said as well...just keep on doing what you have been - taking care of yourself and your children. Let your husband take care of his own mess.
Sending you strength, hope, and hugs.
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
I only wish that I had shown as much strength and common sense as you have shown over all of this. When my son was 3 I couldn't let go of my dream family. I spent YEARS trying to make my family into something it wasn't...and I paid dearly for it.
I wish I could go back to that stage in my life and explain to my self how truly POWERLESS I was over his drinking and addiction. I wish I could have spared my son from the chaos and uncertainty that pervaded our home as I ran around trying to 'fix' things and make everything look normal. I wish I had shown as much courage and wisdom as you're showing right now years ago when my son was your children's age. I admire you and the steps you've taken. You have NOTHING to be ashamed of. NOTHING.
Hugs...
I'm glad you're here with us here at SR.
I wish I could go back to that stage in my life and explain to my self how truly POWERLESS I was over his drinking and addiction. I wish I could have spared my son from the chaos and uncertainty that pervaded our home as I ran around trying to 'fix' things and make everything look normal. I wish I had shown as much courage and wisdom as you're showing right now years ago when my son was your children's age. I admire you and the steps you've taken. You have NOTHING to be ashamed of. NOTHING.
Hugs...
I'm glad you're here with us here at SR.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 26
Thank you all so much. I'm a wreck, and barely holding on. I'm so afraid to go to sleep tonight and lose it.
I think the "perfect family" part is killing me. I love my family when he is sober. I want that SO much. I still pray it can happen, but my faith is almost destroyed.
Divorce scares the heck out of me. I don't want a divorce. I know I'm scared to do it because its FINAL. I love him. And it is public. Yup, I'll admit I'm scared of the public perception. But I'm so tired and unhappy. This is killing me.
All of you here help my resolve. It reminds me that my fear is not as important than being good for my kids. Protecting them from this.
I don't know if I'm strong enough to file. I need to be. I'm working up to it. But I know that no excuse is good enough for this. No promise he makes will be believed. But that stupid little part of me says "he's hurting, divorce will hurt him more." I hate that enabling part of me. Even after all of this. Ugh.
I think the "perfect family" part is killing me. I love my family when he is sober. I want that SO much. I still pray it can happen, but my faith is almost destroyed.
Divorce scares the heck out of me. I don't want a divorce. I know I'm scared to do it because its FINAL. I love him. And it is public. Yup, I'll admit I'm scared of the public perception. But I'm so tired and unhappy. This is killing me.
All of you here help my resolve. It reminds me that my fear is not as important than being good for my kids. Protecting them from this.
I don't know if I'm strong enough to file. I need to be. I'm working up to it. But I know that no excuse is good enough for this. No promise he makes will be believed. But that stupid little part of me says "he's hurting, divorce will hurt him more." I hate that enabling part of me. Even after all of this. Ugh.
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