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Old 12-11-2012, 10:17 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Don't let your struggle become your identity.

"Don't let your struggle become your identity."

A Pinterest quote I read today that really hit home.

Ouch.

I've been moping, unhappy, depressed, withdrawn and sad - for no other reason than the reality of my situation with an A in denial. And my feelings and actions because of those feelings are just making it worse - for me, AND for him.

I've had a lot of fun things going on with friends - the A hasn't been drinking much around me - he hasn't been an a$shat lately. Family is coming in 2 weeks and I miss them terribly. My A boss has been minding her P's and Q's lately - work is busy and fulfilling for the first time in a while.

Generally, life is good and I haven't been able to pull myself out of this rut - I'm letting my feelings get the best of me.

I'm letting my struggle become my identity.

Fun friends are coming over for dinner and I'm going to put on a freaking happy face - and more than that, actually BE happy.

"Change your thoughts, and you'll change your world." Another one I need to remember more often.

xoxo
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Old 12-11-2012, 10:21 AM   #2 (permalink)
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My struggle became my identity too. which basically means that I lost my identity in the struggle for quite awhile. It is very painful. Digging ourselves out when we are in that deep is a long long road. For those reading that haven't been in too long...don't let it go on years and years....it will eat your identity up, and you will have a hellofatime finding your identity again. What a slippery slope....
Thanks for sharing that, and I hope you don't have to act that happy face at all...that life surprises you with bursting out laughing a few times naturally tonight during dinner!
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Old 12-11-2012, 10:55 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Great post.

Sometimes I still have to work really hard at staying in the sun and being grateful and happy for all the things I have and not getting lost in the disappointments, struggles, or sadness.

However - years of living in that 'identity' you speak of made be behave in ways that were not a true reflection of myself, my values, the person I saw myself as. I didn't like me very much. I wasn't very likable. Ugh. I'm very glad I have enough recovery to no longer be in that space.

Have a great time tonight!
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Sometimes we have to let go of what is killing us, even if it is killing us to let go.

Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you. Maori Proverb
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Old 12-11-2012, 11:29 AM   #4 (permalink)
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It's interesting that I saw the same quote on Pinterest also. The quote stuck a chord with me so I downloaded the picture of the quote and it's the wallpaper on my phone. It helps to remind me that I want out of this darkness and I want more than struggle in my life. Here's to our success!
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Old 12-11-2012, 11:32 AM   #5 (permalink)
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I think it needs a sticky.
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Old 12-11-2012, 12:05 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Boy, did I need to read this today.
Thank You.
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Old 12-11-2012, 12:47 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Because of my codependency from a young age I don't even feel like I knew myself and who I was.

That was my recovery from my addiction.

I get to practice that recovery with others, and I struggled with it with my exAH.

I am starting to realize that what he vehemently faught against was not my illness but my recovery. When I actually set boundaries and stuck to them.

Sometimes I have to shift my focus before I realize how stuck in my own stuff I am. Also I have to realize sometimes my behavior is coming from a healthy place.
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Old 12-11-2012, 12:55 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Excellent quote. I lost my soul in his alcoholism. It took a long time and a lot of work to get it back.
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Old 12-11-2012, 01:31 PM   #9 (permalink)
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It's so hard not to lose your soul to this. The disease seems hopeless - the odds of relationships making it through recovery (let alone actual recovery itself) make me feel despair.

It's so hard to remember it's THEIR disease when it affects our lives so drastically. I am in awe of the people (and there are a lot) that are genuinely happy despite alcoholism in their household.

We are left with the most awful decision - to live with it or leave - and it often feels like either way...we lose.

Unless - we recover ourselves. In ALL relationships we must at some point make the decision if their "quirks" are worth living with (and they have to make the same one with regards to us.) In that sense, we are somewhat all "normies" i suppose. My A's "quirks" are BIG ones. But they are not worth me sacrificing a happy life over - whether I stay or go.

I just can't thank everyone here enough for being a big part of helping me see - and see that I have a lot of work on myself ahead.
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