Poem to my love (Alcoholic)
 

Finally beaten.

So numb. Smothered into a sick surrender.

Lying here next to you, trying to imagine how to put everything back together again.

A relationship destroyed one drop at a time,

by a poison that for "every" reason you can't live without.

A wicked spite it has summoned in you.

A burning animosity that glows in your eyes.

On every occasion we should have been sharing together

the poison took you somewhere else.

The hurtful words this poison put in your mouth.

I cried. An "emotional bitch"....

How very hard I've cried.

Squeezing back tears for the woman that you are now not.

I know the woman I fell in love with.

I remember that sparkle I first saw in her eyes.

I can still remember the springtime in her step, that cute smile on her face.

I still see her from time to time.

But now you prefer your dear old friend.

Those who love you know this friend.

Didn't this "friend" try to kill you once?

Should this friend ever be trusted again?

Fiend but certainly not a friend.

This poison knows how to cover its tracks.

It knows how to erase

into bitter, ugly hate,

what should be the sweetest, most beautiful memories.

You say those memories were the "sober" you,

Like "sober" was a bad you.

So you left sober behind.

I can remember that fateful moment, hour, day. The starkness of it.

The way you told me you had left "sober".

We had barely begun.

I remember my tears then too.

And so the poison changed you. It changed us. It has finally changed me.

I begged you "I can't go there with you"

But you told me it was my fault,

that I was to blame,

that I didn't "get you".

I surely don't get you now.

"Old" and "Boring" you said.

"You never want to have fun" you said.

"*******" you said.

Maybe.

You said "fix yourself".

"It's my life" you said.

Why wasn't it our life.

Now I guess you will seek out "friends" who accept the "un-sober" you.

The lesser you.

They will like your new old friend.

They will "get you".

They will "let" you.

They won't care what you do, just ask them they'll say it, "we don't care."

But only until they get close enough to you for it to affect them too.

Where will they be I wonder, when that time comes?... If it comes...

that time when you finally realize that you hated away the ones who begged

and cried and twisted themselves to find the the real you. The sober you.

The ones that fought for the real you when you were poisoned.

The ones closest to you that you forced into submission,

finally willing to accept whatever desperate relationship with you that you would allow.

Helplessly having to watch you drown yourself in that wicked friendship of poison.

That's not love, that's a flood?

So now I surrender, knowing that my love for the real you has come between you and you new old friend.

We are lost and I cant help but feel the utter blackness of your new old friends heart.

And now you have one more "reason" you're not able to live without

your poison.

Powerful. Thank you.

*hugs*

Your poem spoke to me. Those parts hit hard. And I'm still digging, as you can see,

Very moving. I am very sorry for your grief. I share it with you. Such a loss. And it didn't have to be.

But it is.

BothSidesNow

This brought me to tears this morning. I hate alcoholism and I hate addiction, and I hate what it's done to me.

My apologies skunkape. I really don't want to bring tears to anyone anymore. Are you the substance side? If so I simply say.....choose life.....let love....accept once for all time that you have value and that others love you and see that value in you even though you may not. They are willing to go to great lengths to help you figure it out....but you must first accept that they are not "trying" to control you, they are trying to love you. It's a social contract we humans have. They are trying to make some of your decisions for you because you are "sick". You have a cold and they are trying to bring you what you need because you are sick right now and can't do it for yourself. Appreciate the help! It comes from love! You won't be sick forever.
You are loved!

Jay, what you just wrote to skunkape - is so powerful.

And so hard to say to our alcoholic loved ones, we become so hurt that we're unable to show that kind of forgiveness, kindness and encouragement.

Detaching with true love, is an art.

Wow, thank you. As a recovering alcoholic you hit the nail on the head with that poem. Have you given it to her, what was her reaction?

All of the best on your journey & to her recovery (if she decides to choose it).

Take care & stay strong ~ NB :ring

Newbeginning010: She hated me for it. Our relationship was falling apart. On top of struggling with economic woes and such, we couldn't get a solid run of emotional stability under our belt to have a unified front. It turned out to be the same sad story....everything I did or didn't do was the problem. I was told I was "controlling"....never wanted to have any "fun"....I was "too emotional".....I "just wanted to play the victim".....I "couldn't be trusted'......the I "have problems too" .....that I "had changed"......the we "were too different"....that I "didn't get her"......on and on and on.
Then when I reached out to her family and friends she told me I had "betrayed her trust"......and that she was a "private person".
She started sleeping in the other room. She kept telling me to get out. One morning I agreed and moved my stuff out. But I stayed for a couple of months longer to give her the opportunity to change her mind. She didn't so one day I just picked her up from work, dropped her off and drove away. Nothing more I could do. That was two months ago.
The rest of her life is falling apart. She lost her job. She lost a second job. She's trying to give her chickens away. Surrendering her dog. Being evicted from the house we rented for the last 4 years and talking about renting a room from the one "friend' in her life that she "went out" with in the beginning. She has been to rehab and AA before.
Now she is saying that God must have a plan for her. As if God's plan always has to come by destroying your life!
She told one of her older boys that none of this comes from her alcoholism. He simply responded "how could it not?"
I will always love her.....but she is a resentment alcoholic....so I hold very little hope of her ever loving me back in any meaningful way even if she gets sober.
God's plan indeed.

I got all of this too. It seems to be the norm.

Hang in there.
~T

...and...I was told I "was always angry"......that I couldn't "let things go".....She actually called me a "remember-er" in a derogatory way?????.....I'll remember more as we go.

...I was told I was always "making her feel like a worthless piece of ****.".....She said that I "blamed everything on alcohol.".....and that it was "impossible for one person to be responsible for every ones misery."

All I wanted was the woman I had met.....not in that immature "why can't you be the way you were" way (although she had changed) but the sober girl who fell in love with me and I her.