After life with an alcoholic. question.

[patti z]

It actually took going to the library and reading books about alcoholics and co-dependency for me to realize what sort of life I was living and what it was doing to my child. The book "Second chance" really helped me among others.
After being told for 10 years that he was going to quit drinking and that he could quit any time that he wanted to, I decided that I had enough and I had to face that fact that he was probably never ever going to. I think that it was the hardest thing...giving up and going on with my life. I had to give up the dream that he would stop drinking and we could finally have a family life together. Like most spouses of an alcoholic I kept thinking that things would change and that somehow maybe I could make them change.
He took off partying with his friends and left me and son with all the bills. He decided that liquor, drugs and women were far more important than his family. I always felt that something worse was always on the horizon and it got worse than I could of ever dreamed.
I am going on with my life and it is much better now. I still see that black cloud coming around when my son goes to visit. He came home once and told me that he was going to move some toys to his father's because he was going to start staying there every other week-end. Of course his father didn't call or see him for over a month ofter that, which is the usual for him and my son was really hurt. He called him on Christmas and told him that he would come and get him in 4 hours but he never showed. He makes me furious that he does that to him.
But what can I do?? He has regular visits and I don't want to take him away from his father..I want them to have a relationship. It is really awful..the things that he puts our son through. His last visit my son comes home and tells me that my X wants to have him on a rotating basis. Such as 2 weeks at my home and then 2 weeks at his father's home. That is not an option. We live in different towns and I have custody and would never dream of letting him ever have him more than a week-end. He has proved that he is not capable of taking care of himself. I have plenty of proof of my X's alcoholism [pictures] and would never have a problem keeping custody.
How do I deal with this??? The empty promises and my son wanting to go and stay with him more? My son believing that his father has stopped drinking and thinks that somehow things are going to change? My X begged me to take him back in front of my son, crying and pledding....I was mad at him for doing that becaue he did it in front of our son. He did that because it makes me look like the one that is keeping our family apart. I handled it well...I told him that I still cared about what happens to him but that I could no longer live with him.
Any advice on how to handle the problems after you divorce and still have to deal with your X?? Thanks...Patti

[LivingWithHope]

As I was reading your post something to came to mind....your x sounds a lot like my AH. The promises broken, given the children some hope only to take it away. As a mother, it is hard for us to watch. Also, when I read about how your son would come home and say that his father said these things...it makes me think that the father is saying these things to the son and he may very well mean them but like most addicts, I think that his father is saying these things to help patch things up between the two of them not realizing that him not keeping these promises is creating more damage. In short, your x is basically using his relationship with his son as a manipulation. In their sick minds they think that if they make a good suggestion or if they make a promise that they are being a good parent (whether or not they follow through).

I'm not sure how old your son is....is he old enough to go to alateen? You know, you said that this has been going on for 10 yrs. If your son is even close to 10 then I would guess that this way of life has become 'normal' to him. I realized how 'normal' it had become for my daughter when the police were called to our house and she never batted an eye. No crying no begging not to take her daddy, nothing. It was then that I realized how affected she truly was.

I don't have any advice on what to do, but I do have one suggestion....are there any men that you are friends with your men in the family that can come up along side of your son and maybe help him through this. I'm not saying replace his father but just someone who can be close to him to show him what it means to be a good man...a man that keeps promises and dates and doesn't talk meanly to his mother? Just a thought....he sounds like he is at the age where he needs some good male influences to help him through this and to lead by example. You don't want him growing up thinking that the way his father acted was the way you are supposed to act. Just a thought.

Parying for you and your son!

[patti z]

Thank You so much for answering my post. Your life does sound like mine and I think that you are right about the broken promises. I too had my husband arrested for running me over with his vehicle. My son did not cry over seeing dad go to jail. I was fed up with the things that he was doing. This was after he broke my nose and blacked both eyes with one punch. He was not always so abusive but as time went on he became worse and worse.
I do have a man in my life. He is a really nice guy, he has been sober for going on 11 years. Although he is not the father of my son he does do all the things that a father should be doing with a son. I have wondered if this is what is brothering my X and why he makes promises and still doesn't carry through with them. It is the same old story and it truly makes me miserable what my X puts my son through. When I have tried to tell my X what he is doing to his son he just laughs it off like it is no big deal. That is the answer that I always get when I ask him why he does some of the things that he does and continues to do.
He told my son that he quit drinking and that I should take him back [ I know better than that] and now I am the one that is keeping our family apart. My son just turned 10 this year. He is a good boy and he is happy except when he comes home from visits with his father. I can see the change in his attitude. But it never lasts for more than a few hours. I just hate having to have to deal with it every time that he comes back home. I don't have any idea what his father is saying to him. I do not question him about what is going on. I just fiqure that in time my son will see that nothing has changed as far as his father is concerned.
Thank you again for the post and I appreciate the help.
Patti