Scorecard question
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: michigan
Posts: 296
Scorecard question
This scorecard thing I see myself doing it. My question is am I doing it because I am defense mode, childish or just want to even the score? Since my RAH told me I am irresponsible, I have been refusing to pick up after him. He makes breakfast I do not pick up the dishes he used and leaves all over the cupboard; he leaves his coffee cup on the cupboard I leave it there.
I am having a hard time trying to understand why he holds me to a higher standard by him then everyone else. (I have to be perfect and not make any mistakes but it is ok for him and everyone else to make mistakes)
I am having a hard time trying to understand why he holds me to a higher standard by him then everyone else. (I have to be perfect and not make any mistakes but it is ok for him and everyone else to make mistakes)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 284
Hi Cricket123,
Only you can tell what your true motivation is for this new behavior. It could easily be built up resentment with his hypocritical complaints against you. But, I see nothing wrong with trying to redefine where "your side of the street" ends and his begins. Just be prepared for additional kickback from him because of it. I agree that keeping score is an immature way to deal with relationship dynamics, but I think the opposite was more of an issue in mine. I was willing to overlook so much bad behavior from him. It was like I was the only one with a scorecard. I had misplaced his, but he carried mine around with him in his back pocket always.
Take care,
Fathom
Only you can tell what your true motivation is for this new behavior. It could easily be built up resentment with his hypocritical complaints against you. But, I see nothing wrong with trying to redefine where "your side of the street" ends and his begins. Just be prepared for additional kickback from him because of it. I agree that keeping score is an immature way to deal with relationship dynamics, but I think the opposite was more of an issue in mine. I was willing to overlook so much bad behavior from him. It was like I was the only one with a scorecard. I had misplaced his, but he carried mine around with him in his back pocket always.
Take care,
Fathom
Sobriety date 12/19/2011
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: TX
Posts: 409
I did the exact same thing!! When I first got sober in Dec, I kept complaining to my sponsor about how I can't keep picking up after the 3 boys in my house. My 3 boys are aged 12, 13 and 42.
She said for me to just stop doing everything for them, let them figure it out on their own. So I wrote each of them a letter, explaining to them that I can't keep taking care of them, because I have to take care of myself, I will cook dinner but I want them to pick up their plates and put them into the dishwasher, I will not keep reminding them about homework or projects and if they need help then they have to ask me for help right when they get the assignment, I would not pick up their clothes anymore off the floor - if they wanted them washed I would wash on Sat only - so if they have any extras they would have to wash it themselves - etc.... Can't really think of everything, but I am sure you get the point.
Well it was a shell shock for them all, the house was a complete and total mess for about 3 months, and all I did was just take care of myself, go to meetings everyday and come home to a messy house. After 3 months, He started cleaning, and he kept it up!! He just picked up after the younger boys, I couldn't believe it, but I WAS NOT going to do it the way that I was anymore.
We are broken up now, due to his smoking pot, and a whole slew of other reasons, but it was well worth it, it showed me just how much they thought of me as their maid, and I didn't like being their maid anymore.
Good for you! Keep up the good work, it may get messy for a while, just deal with it. Tell all your friends that may come over what you are doing, I did!!
She said for me to just stop doing everything for them, let them figure it out on their own. So I wrote each of them a letter, explaining to them that I can't keep taking care of them, because I have to take care of myself, I will cook dinner but I want them to pick up their plates and put them into the dishwasher, I will not keep reminding them about homework or projects and if they need help then they have to ask me for help right when they get the assignment, I would not pick up their clothes anymore off the floor - if they wanted them washed I would wash on Sat only - so if they have any extras they would have to wash it themselves - etc.... Can't really think of everything, but I am sure you get the point.
Well it was a shell shock for them all, the house was a complete and total mess for about 3 months, and all I did was just take care of myself, go to meetings everyday and come home to a messy house. After 3 months, He started cleaning, and he kept it up!! He just picked up after the younger boys, I couldn't believe it, but I WAS NOT going to do it the way that I was anymore.
We are broken up now, due to his smoking pot, and a whole slew of other reasons, but it was well worth it, it showed me just how much they thought of me as their maid, and I didn't like being their maid anymore.
Good for you! Keep up the good work, it may get messy for a while, just deal with it. Tell all your friends that may come over what you are doing, I did!!
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
I won't ever be doing this again.
because I won't have a relationship with someone who doesn't treat me respectfully.
You'll get there too. It's taken me four years, but the freedom is magical.
keep coming here and reading and posting.
Hugs
I am having a hard time trying to understand why he holds me to a higher standard by him then everyone else.
You'll get there too. It's taken me four years, but the freedom is magical.
keep coming here and reading and posting.
Hugs
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
I have no clue what your motives are.
However, to me it sounds like you are just TIRED of it all. So, sounds like a good time to make a sign that says:
"Mom and Wife ON STRIKE."
And do no pick up of anything for anyone. I do not remember if you have kids, but if not, then just Wife ON STRIKE. He'll get it after a while when there are no clean cups, dishes, clothes, etc
Time for you to TAKE CARE OF YOU.
Let him go cry to his sponsor and he will get quite an awakening from that side also, lol
Love and hugs,
However, to me it sounds like you are just TIRED of it all. So, sounds like a good time to make a sign that says:
"Mom and Wife ON STRIKE."
And do no pick up of anything for anyone. I do not remember if you have kids, but if not, then just Wife ON STRIKE. He'll get it after a while when there are no clean cups, dishes, clothes, etc
Time for you to TAKE CARE OF YOU.
Let him go cry to his sponsor and he will get quite an awakening from that side also, lol
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
I think "point scoring" in an argument is different to keeping a "score card"
the first is a way to defelect attention away from our own faults, to turn the focus of an argument, to "win".
the latter (done loosely) is a way of understanding the balance of a relationship and whether it is meeting my needs and whether I am being a hippocrite.
I don't mean keeping track of every darn thing, but a sense of whether I do the things that I am really annoyed the other one does (i.e. I'm being a hypocrite and should let it go/get over myself/change my behaviour), whether I feel my needs are heard and if there is balance in our relationship.
I don't think the latter is a bad thing - relationships change and move, and if we don't take stock we can "wake up" and find we have let all our boundaries go and become a martyr or are trampling all over our "partner".
and yes, I don't care what you're motive's are - he can look afterhimself in the laundry/dishes/cooking department!
the first is a way to defelect attention away from our own faults, to turn the focus of an argument, to "win".
the latter (done loosely) is a way of understanding the balance of a relationship and whether it is meeting my needs and whether I am being a hippocrite.
I don't mean keeping track of every darn thing, but a sense of whether I do the things that I am really annoyed the other one does (i.e. I'm being a hypocrite and should let it go/get over myself/change my behaviour), whether I feel my needs are heard and if there is balance in our relationship.
I don't think the latter is a bad thing - relationships change and move, and if we don't take stock we can "wake up" and find we have let all our boundaries go and become a martyr or are trampling all over our "partner".
and yes, I don't care what you're motive's are - he can look afterhimself in the laundry/dishes/cooking department!
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: michigan
Posts: 296
Thanks all; It is not the housework that is the problem, That comes with the territory. (3 teen, 5 acres, 2 dogs, farm animals etc) It is that he holds me to an unreasonable high standard then what I can reach or is reasonable. He does not want me to have the kids help,(where as I think they should be helping out more than they do) he just expects me to run around after everyone and make sure they have what they need and/or anticipate their needs ahead of time by telepathy. He is capable of doing his dishes, laundry, cooking he just thinks I should do it (I work part time and have more time) and since he said, I was irresponsible he has been running around picking up after himself. LOL so now I have some areas picked up.
I keep thinking of my question and I think my motive is all of the above. I am being childish, keeping score and making a point. This is not totally like me but good grief how long do you keep being accused of something, you might as well just do it and make it a real accusation.
And I still am not taking care of his coffee cup. This whole thing just feels like he is being petty and he knows it. kids are gone this week and I do not plan on making dinner either.
I keep thinking of my question and I think my motive is all of the above. I am being childish, keeping score and making a point. This is not totally like me but good grief how long do you keep being accused of something, you might as well just do it and make it a real accusation.
And I still am not taking care of his coffee cup. This whole thing just feels like he is being petty and he knows it. kids are gone this week and I do not plan on making dinner either.
Last edited by cricket123; 07-24-2012 at 07:59 PM. Reason: grammer
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Originally Posted by cricket123 
Thanks all; It is not the housework that is the problem, That comes with the territory. (3 teen, 5 acres, 2 dogs, farm animals etc) It is that he holds me to an unreasonable high standard then what I can reach or is reasonable. He does not want me to have the kids help,(where as I think they should be helping out more than they do) he just expects me to run around after everyone and make sure they have what they need and/or anticipate their needs ahead of time by telepathy. He is capable of doing his dishes, laundry, cooking he just thinks I should do it (I work part time and have more time) and since he said, I was irresponsible he has been running around picking up after himself. LOL so now I have some areas picked up.
I keep thinking of my question and I think my motive is all of the above. I am being childish, keeping score and making a point. This is not totally like me but good grief how long do you keep being accused of something, you might as well just do it and make it a real accusation.
And I still am not taking care of his coffee cup. This whole thing just feels like he is being petty and he knows it. kids are gone this week and I do not plan on making dinner either.
I keep thinking of my question and I think my motive is all of the above. I am being childish, keeping score and making a point. This is not totally like me but good grief how long do you keep being accused of something, you might as well just do it and make it a real accusation.
And I still am not taking care of his coffee cup. This whole thing just feels like he is being petty and he knows it. kids are gone this week and I do not plan on making dinner either.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: michigan
Posts: 296
KRA
I get what you are saying My RAH also works as much as he can. When I can and I do, I pick up his slack and take care of things. We do have a very busy house and things just do not get done. (baseball tounaments, softball, basketball and soccer keeps us on the run) I guess I just don't get what his complant is, He might just be projecting but as for now I am not picking up after him. (coffee cup etc) (I am a bit Stubborn)
I get what you are saying My RAH also works as much as he can. When I can and I do, I pick up his slack and take care of things. We do have a very busy house and things just do not get done. (baseball tounaments, softball, basketball and soccer keeps us on the run) I guess I just don't get what his complant is, He might just be projecting but as for now I am not picking up after him. (coffee cup etc) (I am a bit Stubborn)
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
I love your comment "I am a bit Stubborn"!
That's probably what's kept you going! And I don't think it is really being stubborn; it is doing a fair assessment of what's going on, who's doing what, and taking care of yourself. It is requiring other people to be fair and treat YOU fairly.
As to the kids not doing much around the house, my thought while raising 2 kids and 3 step-kids who were with us part of the time, is that the parents' job was to raise them to be self-sufficient. They need to learn to take care of themselves before they turn 18.
If you've seen the movie "On Golden Pond", Henry Fonda plays an aging grandfather whose new 13 year old step-son has been dropped off for the summer while Fonda's newly married daughter goes on her honeymoon. The kid is terribly spoiled, entitled, and unhappy. Henry Fonda makes him do work around the house, and comments: "What's the use of having a dwarf if he doesn't do chores?"
This insistence on my part worked, and there is a funny story about it. When my son went to college, he became the "laundry expert" on his floor because he was the only one who knew how to do it! It also works with kids handling money. When my daughter was 13, we gave her a clothing allowance for the season, and she came home with all tops, no bottoms, no underwear. We bailed her out, but she learned the next time around and now she makes money go farther than anyone I know, and takes pride in it.
As I write this, I am thinking that taking on everyone else's chores may actually be a kind of co-dependence. That's worth a bit of musing...
BothSidesNow
That's probably what's kept you going! And I don't think it is really being stubborn; it is doing a fair assessment of what's going on, who's doing what, and taking care of yourself. It is requiring other people to be fair and treat YOU fairly.
As to the kids not doing much around the house, my thought while raising 2 kids and 3 step-kids who were with us part of the time, is that the parents' job was to raise them to be self-sufficient. They need to learn to take care of themselves before they turn 18.
If you've seen the movie "On Golden Pond", Henry Fonda plays an aging grandfather whose new 13 year old step-son has been dropped off for the summer while Fonda's newly married daughter goes on her honeymoon. The kid is terribly spoiled, entitled, and unhappy. Henry Fonda makes him do work around the house, and comments: "What's the use of having a dwarf if he doesn't do chores?"
This insistence on my part worked, and there is a funny story about it. When my son went to college, he became the "laundry expert" on his floor because he was the only one who knew how to do it! It also works with kids handling money. When my daughter was 13, we gave her a clothing allowance for the season, and she came home with all tops, no bottoms, no underwear. We bailed her out, but she learned the next time around and now she makes money go farther than anyone I know, and takes pride in it.
As I write this, I am thinking that taking on everyone else's chores may actually be a kind of co-dependence. That's worth a bit of musing...
BothSidesNow
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
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It is that he holds me to an unreasonable high standard then what I can reach or is reasonable. He does not want me to have the kids help,(where as I think they should be helping out more than they do) he just expects me to run around after everyone and make sure they have what they need and/or anticipate their needs ahead of time by telepathy. He is capable of doing his dishes, laundry, cooking he just thinks I should do it (I work part time and have more time) and since he said, I was irresponsible he has been running around picking up after himself. LOL so now I have some areas picked up.
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