coping

[leannbatchelor]

I went to my first al-anon meeting last night. Their werent many people there but what they said really opened my eyes. Especially the blaming yourself and the Alcoholic blaming everything on you. I plan on goin back next week. I hope to be able to share my story then, i dont talk easily in public but they seem really nice so im going to try.

I have just been goin through alot since my husband left over a month ago. I did blame myself for a long time i thought maybe i was too hard on him and this and that, but that boy had everything he could ever want except alcohol. He has now just completely cut me off. I dont know where hes at, what hes doing, nothing. The last time i talked to him he asked for a divorce, but then said i was told t leave so im gonna stay gone, then hung up that was my last conversation with him. He left everything, all he has now is living with some guy he works with (if he is still working) he gave up everything just so he can party because he doesnt want to "grow up", and i know its a disease and that its not his fault, but surely somewhere in his mind he's got to know he doesnt have anything , that im the only one that is there for him. I keep hoping that he will come back before its too late, because i know im suppose to be focusing only on myself and i am i went and signed up to take a test to try to get into a college, but i know his family doesnt really give a damn and wont help him where he really needs it and i know he could beat this if he just tried or at least if he was gonna drink then he could do it at home where i know hes safe, as bad as that sounds, but i cant stand to just be cut out of his life. Has anyone had their husband run off for months at a time and then come back. I just hate the thought of him hitting rock bottom before he realizes it. I am focusing on me now but i still want my husband. I hate going through all of this.

[Chalkie]

Hi Leann,

I'm far from being experienced or knowledgeable about alcoholism but there's one real strong statement at the end of your post and I want to give my .02. You said you hate the thought of him hitting rock bottom. Let him.

I'm not trying to sound harsh but I was in almost the exact same place you are now. My b/f ran out of options regarding work, a place to live, etc. I couldn't help him any more. I'm not saying I didn't want to, but geographically and financially, I couldn't do any more for him. He too was leaving, in fact, he left. He was 2 hours out of town and he hit his bottom, alone, just himself and his Higher Power. He was back in town 19 hours later with a plan and he's participating in and sticking to his plan...his program.

My words may not be of much help right now, I know you're hurting...you're in the right place though. This forum and Al-Anon has not only helped me heal my hurt but is teaching me how to try and avoid the hurt (a/k/a detachment...from his disease, NOT him) and this forum has certainly given me a place to call 'home'...a place to laugh, vent, cry and try to support others.

Keep reading and posting here, read everything you can get your hands on about alcoholism and learn, learn, learn. As others will suggest and for the first time, I will as well...read the Power Posts at the top of the forum.

There's a WHOLE bunch of us here, welcome aboard!

[leannbatchelor]

thanks for your reply it helps to talk to other people. I think my main thing is i could deal with his alcoholism if he was here. Its been over a month now and no call from him. He calls his mom in alabama, he didnt call her hardly ever when we were together, when we went and seen them he was ready to go after thirty minutes and now hes calling her and not me. I just dont understand him right now, he has to have a sober moment and realize what hes done doesnt he? All I can do is live and let god. If were meant to be then it will happen i guess. My mom says i have the need to want to fix people lol. Im tryin to get out of that mind frame. I can understand that its his disease and hes got to work on it but if he stays gone a year, and then trys to come back im just not for it. I dont want to be a fall back plan for him and when he finds something better he runs off again. My grandfather used to run off for months at a time my dad would have to go through dumpster tryin to find food for him and his mom and sister. and he was only 11. I mean you couldnt find someone that loved his kids more than my grandfather but when he got to drinking he didnt care. Now hes in a nursing home and talks about how much he did wrong, so if my husband is like that i know he loves me but my grandmother went through hell with him leaving all time and they never had anything , i dont want to be like that having to wonder if hes going to leave again , but i also dont want to be just cut off like that. My mom says he wont face me because he knows what hes done and doesnt want to face up to it, but shouldnt sooner or later he have to confront what hes doing. This guy knew him for like two months, he aint gonna let my husband live with him forever, his party has to end one day, and his mom's house is full he would have to fight his brother for the couch. UGH i just feel like screaming, i didnt have any problems before i met him and now i have to go through all this does it ever get any easier? i swear if i could just go two hours without thinking about him i would be happy but i worry so much im scared im going to get a call in the middle of the night that something has happend to him , then i think well maybe that would be better cause maybe it would wake him up a little but thats wrong because deep down i dont want him to get hurt in any way , a woman at the meeting said it best when she said she hates feeling powerless and thats what i am , even though im doing things for myself its still all for him, cause i think well he'll see how good im doing if i go to school and i come out making alot money or if i do this or that to the car he will like it , how to i break out of that and just do it because i will like myself better if i do a certain thing.

[Gabe]

It sounds like you're going through some withdrawal of your own. Withdrawal from him. It's never easy when a relationship ends, even a bad one. In my opinion, he's playing games with you by calling everyone EXCEPT you. He knows you want to hear from him, so he's "punishing" you by not calling. I'll just bet if you started telling everyone that you hope he doesn't call, that your phone would be ringing off the hook.
This is your time to focus on you. Make the most of it. Sit down and write a wish list. What are your hopes and dreams? Which of these things can you make happen? Once you figure that out, go after the ones you have control over. Celebrate yourself. Yours is a life worth living, and worth living well.
Peace,
Gabe

[leannbatchelor]

I agree with you gabe, i am going through withdrawl from him. I had never thought that he may be punishing me , thats a thought i hadnt thought about. I dont know it could be im not sure. Im trying to get in the frame of mind that we wont ever be together again. My dad is really adamant that i dont take him back and im starting to see his point. It hurts and I think as long as I dont see him or talk to him I will do ok, my fall back are usually when i see him , i think if i can go a year without seeing him then ill be ok. Its really tough because i know what the outcome of his life will be but i cant show that to him. Im going to be ok as far as money because im gonna get into this school , im losing weight , ive lost twenty pounds so far i hope to continue i feel healthier not being so stressed about him. Im just trying to focus only on me and not to care that hes going to be like this the rest of his life. Detachment is very hard. I think more time that passes the more i will be able to cope with it. Right now all i can do is sit at home, but once i get into school and get a job I should stay busy and not focus so much on this. Thanks for the reply i know i sound crazy but i needed to vent lol

[Alillie]

LeAnn, sweetheart you will be just fine. I think Gabe is right my other half has left for days at a time or would only come home in the morning to shower and get ready for work which was just as bad. And I would be so scared about him getting hurt or arrested it consumed my whole life for a long time now I do not care that is his problem and when I do see him I do not say anything I do not ask questions and you knowwhat he relized i was not focusing on him and the game I call it was not fun anymore. He still drinks but does not go away for days but even him being home after a while that gets hard to chew and see. You sound young and pretty and can make a whole lot of good things happen for yourself. Do good in school and meet new friends and have a blast.