Northernwife

and I am anxious, stressed - all the feelings. He has been in treatment now for almost 2 months. Things were horrible when he left and i have a lot of resentment and sadness - he doesn't remember anything as he was blacked out daily. This last 2 months has been so peaceful but now with his return approaching I am getting stressed. He has been in touch daily (which i wasn't really happy about). He is a good man and we have been through him being diagnosed with PTSD and also we lost his daughter (my step daughter) a few years ago. We've made it through everything, but unsure how i'm feeling about making it through this. I'm angry that he made bad situations worse.
I have made boundaries and am not afraid to be on my own. I guess i'm just reaching out. i'm on edge on feeling emotional. I do not have a counselor as i have not found a new one that is a good fit since my old counselor left her practice.
Thank you in advance for reading. I probably am not making sense. Just looking for support.

trailmix

Hi Northernwife, glad you found the forum, but sorry for what brings you here, of course.

I can understand the resentment and trials you have been through. Him being in rehab doesn't "fix" any of the damage that has been done to your relationship and all of the hell you have been through.

I'm sure he does remember some things. I have never heard of anyone being black-out drunk from the time of the first drink. That usually happens well in to drinking time. He may just be trying to hide from what he has done? I don't know, you know him well, is that something you suspect?

But going back to the relationship, it's going to need recovery too, just like he will need to be in long term recovery. Just because he was drunk doesn't mean it didn't happen.

What that is going to look like, well you have a big say in that. It may mean that he doesn't come home right away. Maybe it would be better if he went to a sober living facility for several months or a year. After a few months, if he is getting a better footing in sobriety, well perhaps you can start working on your relationship, IF you want to. He has only been in treatment for 8 weeks, that's a drop in the bucket, he has a lot of work ahead of him.

Some relationships are impossible to repair. Only you will know if you think it might be possible.

What would you really like to see happen?

Bernadette

Ugh Northernwife - I would be super stressed out too.

Until you find a new counselor can you attend AlAnon meetings? They have always been super helpful for me.
And maybe plan lots of little things for yourself for the next few months so you're not in a state of anticipation about him and his needs all the time. You need your own strong program and to lean on your own network of friends and family who get it.

Here's a link to find meetings: AlAnon Meetings

Peace,
B

LucyIntheGarden

5 days now, Northernwife.

I'm concerned for your well-being. Have an exit plan out of the house the minute you realize he's drunk. The statistics of alcoholics who relapse out of treatment put the likelihood very high he will be drinking again and pretty soon. My former alcoholic husband could white knuckle abstinence for a couple of months but when the dam broke, it broke big. Being in the way of that is dangerous.

Codependents are good martyrs, and martyrdom helps no one. If you remain there when he is drunk, if you sacrifice your mental health, if you risk personal physical safety, it is for no cause. You will experience further emotional damage and he will sleep it off and hatefully resent you the next day when you try to tell him what he did.

So, make a specific plan now about leaving the house so it's automatic as soon as he picks up.