pinkdog

I think the thinking is so distorted. They feel hurt. They lash out. Then regret it. It is the alcohol. Believe me. Consider the source.:ghug3 Alcohol is a depressant. The world looks so evil and scary. It's probably blown way out of proportion to the truth. And you do not deserve it.

shawty80

my xabf asked me to give him a starting point from which he could begin verbally abusing me, and later told my mom, "mean is the only thing misty responds to." he will stand by and defend the words he has spoken.

pinkdog

The person who influence me to quit would not engage with me when I was drunk. They would say "I'll talk to you when you are sober." It really helped me. Try that. If I was gonna be drunk and rude, they would not share their time with me. Even if it doesn't work for them, it will be good for you. Hugs.

cranapple

I've said that before and I always hear back "I'm not drunk, I am sober" as his eyes are bloodshot and he's slurring.

Windmills

Whether he means it or not, the things you have listed are ABUSE. Alcoholism or addiction is NOT ever an excuse for abusive behaviour.

Bronx888

I'm currently writing a book about my experience of alcoholism and prescription medication addiction. I've been sober for almost a year. While I was drinking, I became a completely different person. I have said some awful things to my love one's. I never meant anything I said. At the time I said it, I had no feelings. When I sobered up, I felt tremendous guilt, remorse and quite badly for my actions. Today, I am a greatful alcoholic, because AA has changed me. The Big Book and the 12 steps, I practice daily. Today, I'm the person who I am and will always be, a caring, kind, loving person who really cares. In my addiction, I put my emotions to sleep and became somewhat of a sociopath. I had no feelings. That was the alcohol and medication altering my brain. I know I have to continue AA for the rest of my life. I'm very aware there is no cure, only treatment. And I also know that I should never become too complacent.

carmel01

wow, thank you all so much for your replies, yes, I know that the things my partner was saying were emotional abuse, which is just as damaging as physical abuse. so i have built up the courage to get out of the relationship for me as well as the kids. after all, i definately do not want my children to grow up thinking its normal for thier mum to put up with it, and perhaps even treat their own future partners like it. its so hard dealing with the break up itself, so i'll try not to dwell on the nasty things that he said.

thank you all for your caring comments and advice

NYCDoglvr

[QUOTE][it just hurts to think he really means it /QUOTE]

Why would you think he doesn't mean it? The issue is you letting anyone talk to you that way. This is abuse and it's up to you to decide how long you're going to live with it.

phoenixlady

Interesting question and one I used to ask myself many time. My AH also had a talent to say the most hurtful things. I think it was a combination of the truth and being fearful about alot of things. Since going to al-anon I have figured some of this out. The first being that I do not get my sense of self worth from him. I get this from my God. When I take my eyes off God for this and look to AH than I am sure to be disappointed as no human being can give me the love I need. I have to have my own self love first. When I have that than it doesn't matter what he does or says. I like the phrase of nails and holes someone used. I would be lying if I told you that some of the things he says do not leave holes. I had to ask myself if some of what he said might have some truth to it. In the end I took some of the stuff he said and used it to make myself a better person. Not to make him happier but to make me a happier person. So of the things that came out of this is that I am more independent. I make time to do the things that make me happy like ride my horses and spend time with my friends with out him. I don't think this is what he had in mind when he told me I needed to do something with my horses. LOL It made me think that now or never to follow my dreams in this area. I am sooo much happier now and even find it is easier to stay on a diet and take care of myself from this place of selfcare. It has even allowed him time to think about his happyness and his relation to God since he no longer has me around to judge him and take care of him like I used to. When I woke up this morning he had coffee made and even brought me a cup before my feet hit the floor. First time in 11 years!! When I was getting ready to go ride I noticed that he had been reading some literature from church that his sister had given him a few weeks ago. I should also add that when I started al-anon I told him for I was so sorry for all my many faults ( which I listed) then let it go. It seemed to change the dynamics of our relationship. I am not saying this is going to work for everyone and I realize that things can turn bad at any time but now I live for today and do not worry about the past or the future as I realize I do not have any control over either. I am so grateful for all the help and support I have recieved from so many people. Also realize God can take a bad situation and turn it into a lesson and use it for good. God bless you all.

SamanthaIam

i don't know if AH means it or not. But I do know that the things he says are specifically designed to hurt me.

That's just as bad -- or worse! doncha think?

NewDawnFades

In a conversation just last week, my AH admitted to verbally/emotionally abusing me for years. Without taking a breath he finished the sentence with "get over it".
It doesn't really matter to me anymore if what he says is really what he thinks and feels. It has destroyed the love I have for him. He no longer apologizes because it happened so often it became meaningless to even him. Sad yet true. He says he doesn't abuse me anymore. LOL

I havent posted here much but I have been lurking and reading for quite a while. With the help of a therapist, the wisdom of Al Anon and this site, Ive been planning my soon to be new life

wicked

Thank you for the good news NewDawnFades.

Yep, "get over it", sure, and you get over it too. Good bye!

itsmylifenow

My Abf is very good at saying things to hurt me. His answer is that he says what the sober man wishes he could say. If every man is like him than I wouldn't want to ever be in a relationship with another man again.

He has said some things to me that have made me cry and although I would like to believe I am stronger than his words, they have taken a toll on me. It's hard to believe in yourself when you are hearing bad things all the time.

The worst thing is he has said just as many things while he hasn't been drunk as when he has been.

His anger seems to have no boundaries.

Still working on figuring out why I am even still in this relationship.

Thumper

I decided it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if he really meant the bad stuff, or if he really meant the good stuff, or what he is thinking. It does not matter what happened in his life that led to this point.

I really heard it and I really felt it. I'm going to base all my actions on what I see with my own eyes, hear with my own ears, and feel in my own gut.

No more analyzing the thoughts/feelings/reasons behind another persons words or actions before deciding how I feel. I know how I feel. I can (I must) honor that. I have to fight for it. If I don't know I'll figure it out on my own.

In addition, once I start analyzing someone else and digging around in their mind I will probably feel compassion and/or pity. That is when things go crazy. I get confused. I start chipping away at my own boundaries with alarming intensity and swiftness. They don't have to lift a finger, I do it to myself. I am such an emotionally guarded and rigid person. I have walls around me yet once I feel compassion the emotional enmeshment begins. I feel their feelings before I feel my own. If I hurt them (or perceive that I will hurt them) I experience their pain as my own and I panic. I no longer protect myself or even see myself, I protect them. Of course that is not even possible and it does not result in any kind of healthy relationship.

logicaldog

This is an especially interesting question to me. Im actually a therapist dating an alcoholic who was himself a therapist. He lured me 3000 miles away from my home (did I mention that Im an idiot?) uprooted my life and my children only to find that he is a raving narcissistic alcoholic. I have only recently focused on the alcohol as a factor in the wierd rantings that I get. The question of whether he means them or not seems relevant to me-hes all over the place. Someone pointed out the swings from low self esteem to grandiosity and that certainly is him. One minute declarations of love then two hours later not wanting anything to do with me. I have no legitimate basis for intervening or doing anything, not his wife and at this point not even his girlfriend, as of yesterday when he broke up with me for the 1997987 time. I suppose the only answer that I hear from everyone, including my kids, is to just leave him alone, even he says that.

KKE

I ran my RAH over once for saying hurtful nasty things to me. That's how sick I became as a result of his verbal abuse. I got in my car, he got in the way and I didn't even hit the breaks. Be careful, it can take that last insult to drag you down to a dark place.

gonzo51511

Hi.. im a recovering alcoholic and this thread hits close to home. To answer your question i think a part of me meant the hurtful things i said to my xgf. Its difficult to always remember because i was a typical blackout drinker. I think what happens is we say hurtful things because of our ego. And the disease trying to push away the ones we love. Its a very said thing. I would wake up the next day and feel so ashamed of how i behaved and the nasty things i said. What i could remember anyways. Basically in my experience im learning that my ego and disease want me dead and will take down anyone who trys to interfere. I hope this helps in some small way. I hope you continue your meetings.

gonzo51511

And also when i was in the depths of alcoholism even when sober it was impossible for me to communicate much of anything. I was a closed book. I would drink on top of resentment fear guilt and shame and like a pressure cooker just explode with emotion. I suffered from a sick mind body and soul. Alcoholics never like to talk about their drinking with non alcoholics as well. So when the topic is brought up i would either shut down emotionally or ego would kick in and say hurtful things as a kind of defense mechanism. Thank god there is help available if sought.. good luck

DoubleBarrel

They most certainly mean it, but you have to remember that just because they mean it doesn't mean its logical.

Alcohol made me into a very angry resentful, convoluted mess, projecting my own shortcomings and self loathing into being critical of others, to avoid the real problem, which was ME.

fluffyflea

The stuff they come out with is crazy,illogical,abusive made to get a reaction and to deflect away from their actions.

Whether they mean it or not it's very emotionally abusive.