abusive relationship question
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: tennessee
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abusive relationship question
Ok, so why do you think people go back to or stay in abusive relationships? In this case, from my understanding, the guy hasn't had a job in a year. He has verbally abused my friend which I've heard over the phone, and she says that he has physically abused her as well. The police were called out to her house twice within a week, and on the second time they were both arrested for 3rd degree domestic violence. She is an alcoholic and/or substance abuser. Just not sure why anyone would want to stay with someone in abusive relationship.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
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Skopikaz, as somebody who is living in an emotionally violent, physically violent (and the rest) relationship, this is a question that I am still trying to make sense of 11 years into the abuse. Fear is a big obstacle for me: fear of coping on my own, financial worries, fear of what he will do to me if I try and leave (the most dangerous time for an abused woman - or man - is often when they try to leave). The relationship has completely destroyed my confidence and self-esteem, the extent of which I am discovering through one-to-one therapy, so I completely doubt myself, my ability to cope on my own, I feel too 'worn down' and not strong enough to leave, etc., etc. There are also those who hypothesise there is an addictive element to an abusive relationship. Somebody here on SR once posted the following article which explains it a little (apologies to the original poster for poaching their piece!). It is mainly about living with addicts bit she points out that the same processes are relevant to those in abusive relationships:
The Brain Chemistry of Being a Loved One
~Lori Pate
B.A Psychology
University of Texas at Austin
Many people who have loved an addict have felt like they were going insane from all the chaos, worry, regret, fear, anger, confusion and more that comes with caring for someone who is in active drug addiction.*
It seems reasonable that if the addict would just stop using, everything would return to normal and a happy life would resume. There is usually more going on though. There are chemical changes happening not just in the brain of the addict, but also in the brain of the loved one.
"What? I'm not the crazy one! The addict in my life is the only one going crazy, not me!"*
That isn't always true. The chemical changes in the brain of a loved one should be understood to help speed recovery. Chemical changes in the brain of someone who is constantly in a state of stress, fear, anxiety and anger are not insignificant and are accompanied by withdrawal symptoms just like an addict who stops using.*
The brain uses chemical messengers, called neurotransmitters, to allow us to feel feelings. Hunger, thirst, desire, satisfaction, frustration, fear and every human emotion are felt by the activity of chemical messengers in the brain. The most important messenger in this situation is norepinephrine (also known as adrenaline).*
Norepinephrine is known as the "fight or flight" chemical messenger. This chemical is what causes us to feel a rush of energy when faced with a dangerous situation. Proper activity and levels of this messenger help humans get and keep themselves safe from harm. This chemical gives us the super-human abilities to outrun an attacker or think quickly in an emergency.*
When a dangerous situation is perceived, norepinephrine is released in the brain. Receptors in the brain have "parking spaces" for the chemical to "park" in, which deliver the message. Once the chemical is plugged in, we feel a burst of energy, and a drive to get ourselves safe, take action, run or fight.*
After the event is over, the messenger is released from the parking spot, and recycled to use again later. We begin to feel calmer and safer. The rush subsides. Heart rates return to normal. The feelings of fear and anxiety subside.*
This happens all the time in all healthy humans.*
But the human brain does not like constant stimulation. As soon as we are excited from a chemical message, the brain goes to work to return levels to normal. There are several mechanisms that work to do this. First, the chemicals are picked up by "reuptake" chemicals. Think of them like a tow truck. They are constantly floating around, looking for a chemical to tow back home. Recycling the chemicals restores levels to normal.*
If constant stimulation occurs, causing constant chemical messages, recycling isn't enough. So the brain, in its effort to regain a normal balance, will begin destroying the chemicals permanently. If we are constantly in fight or flight mode, the brain determines that we have too many "fight or flight" messengers, so destroys them.*
For someone who actually has too much adrenaline in their brain, this is helpful. But for someone who is constantly in a situation where they really are put under stress, and are triggered to respond to fear over and over, the destruction of their chemical messengers begins to cause a brain chemistry imbalance.*
There is a third mechanism that the brain uses to restore balance. After recycling and destroying the messenger chemicals, if the brain is still being over-stimulated, it will destroy the parking spaces that the chemicals plug into. These are called dendrites. Once a dendrite is destroyed,it can not be repaired. It will never again receive the chemical message it was designed to receive. It is like yanking out the phone cord of a phone that won't stop ringing. It will never ring again.*
When a loved one is in a constant state of worry and fear, the brain first experiences stimulation. It feels imperative for the loved one to take action, sometimes desperate action, in an attempt to remedy the fearful situation. If this stimulation continues day after day, the brain can not tolerate the constant stimulation and starts taking action to regain balance. Adrenaline is destroyed. Receptors are destroyed.*
This is when the insanity of being a loved one really takes off. The loved one is no longer chemically balanced. Several things happen at this point:*
****Things that used to signal danger no longer feel so dangerous. There simply aren't enough "danger" chemicals or receptors to accurately convey the appropriate feelings. At this point loved ones may begin accepting very dangerous situations as OK. For example they may feel it is a good idea to track down a loved one at a dealer's house, or accept a loved one who is violent and abusive in their home. They may make a choice to allow a dangerous person to be around their children. This is not because the loved one just isn't making good choices. More accurately it is because their brain chemistry has been altered by the constant chaos, and they no longer have the right feelings that would initiate safe choices. Unacceptable behavior doesn't feel as truly dangerous as it is. ****
Still, some loved ones are aware enough to know they should stop being in a dangerous situation. When the loved one stops contact with the addict in their life, that is when withdrawal sets in.*
Withdrawal occurs when the brain is accustomed to a particular level of chemical activity, and that level is suddenly reduced.*
A loved one who has become accustomed to constant stimulation from fear and concern, who then suddenly finds themselves in a safe, calm environment, will feel withdrawal because their brains have adjusted to a high level of adrenaline.*
Withdrawal symptoms cause the loved one to feel quite uncomfortable. They will feel sad, have sleep problems, and feel that something is missing or just not quite right. This will cause the loved one to feel a desire to reach back out to the chaos they were accustomed to. The chaos will cause a hit of adrenaline to occur. This is the exact same cycle that an active drug addict goes through: stimulation followed by withdrawal. Withdrawal feelings cause a desire to be stimulated again, because the brain does not like extremes.*
Because the loved one who has undergone chemical changes has lower than normal adrenaline activity in the brain, they will crave stimulation. They will feel an overwhelming desire to "check on" the addict, or to take a phone call even though they know it will not have the end result of a pleasant conversation. They will engage in arguments that they know have no possibility of being resolved while the addict in their life is still in active addiction. The will feel drawn back to the fear and worry they just escaped.*
An extreme example of this is seen when a battered spouse continues to return to their abuser despite having other options.*
This is the brain chemistry side of the chaos cycle of being a loved one.*
So does it ever get better?*
Yes! It absolutely can get better.*
The human body can make more adrenaline, to replace what was destroyed when under constant stress. Not quickly, but slowly, it can replenish the levels of adrenaline so that the person feels normal, without needing chaos in their life to achieve a balance.*
The human body makes neurochemicals from our food intake. A healthy, protein rich diet gives the body the building blocks it needs to make more adrenaline. Regular light exercise, a normal sleep pattern, a safe environment, and a healthy diet will help the brain recover.
The Brain Chemistry of Being a Loved One
~Lori Pate
B.A Psychology
University of Texas at Austin
Many people who have loved an addict have felt like they were going insane from all the chaos, worry, regret, fear, anger, confusion and more that comes with caring for someone who is in active drug addiction.*
It seems reasonable that if the addict would just stop using, everything would return to normal and a happy life would resume. There is usually more going on though. There are chemical changes happening not just in the brain of the addict, but also in the brain of the loved one.
"What? I'm not the crazy one! The addict in my life is the only one going crazy, not me!"*
That isn't always true. The chemical changes in the brain of a loved one should be understood to help speed recovery. Chemical changes in the brain of someone who is constantly in a state of stress, fear, anxiety and anger are not insignificant and are accompanied by withdrawal symptoms just like an addict who stops using.*
The brain uses chemical messengers, called neurotransmitters, to allow us to feel feelings. Hunger, thirst, desire, satisfaction, frustration, fear and every human emotion are felt by the activity of chemical messengers in the brain. The most important messenger in this situation is norepinephrine (also known as adrenaline).*
Norepinephrine is known as the "fight or flight" chemical messenger. This chemical is what causes us to feel a rush of energy when faced with a dangerous situation. Proper activity and levels of this messenger help humans get and keep themselves safe from harm. This chemical gives us the super-human abilities to outrun an attacker or think quickly in an emergency.*
When a dangerous situation is perceived, norepinephrine is released in the brain. Receptors in the brain have "parking spaces" for the chemical to "park" in, which deliver the message. Once the chemical is plugged in, we feel a burst of energy, and a drive to get ourselves safe, take action, run or fight.*
After the event is over, the messenger is released from the parking spot, and recycled to use again later. We begin to feel calmer and safer. The rush subsides. Heart rates return to normal. The feelings of fear and anxiety subside.*
This happens all the time in all healthy humans.*
But the human brain does not like constant stimulation. As soon as we are excited from a chemical message, the brain goes to work to return levels to normal. There are several mechanisms that work to do this. First, the chemicals are picked up by "reuptake" chemicals. Think of them like a tow truck. They are constantly floating around, looking for a chemical to tow back home. Recycling the chemicals restores levels to normal.*
If constant stimulation occurs, causing constant chemical messages, recycling isn't enough. So the brain, in its effort to regain a normal balance, will begin destroying the chemicals permanently. If we are constantly in fight or flight mode, the brain determines that we have too many "fight or flight" messengers, so destroys them.*
For someone who actually has too much adrenaline in their brain, this is helpful. But for someone who is constantly in a situation where they really are put under stress, and are triggered to respond to fear over and over, the destruction of their chemical messengers begins to cause a brain chemistry imbalance.*
There is a third mechanism that the brain uses to restore balance. After recycling and destroying the messenger chemicals, if the brain is still being over-stimulated, it will destroy the parking spaces that the chemicals plug into. These are called dendrites. Once a dendrite is destroyed,it can not be repaired. It will never again receive the chemical message it was designed to receive. It is like yanking out the phone cord of a phone that won't stop ringing. It will never ring again.*
When a loved one is in a constant state of worry and fear, the brain first experiences stimulation. It feels imperative for the loved one to take action, sometimes desperate action, in an attempt to remedy the fearful situation. If this stimulation continues day after day, the brain can not tolerate the constant stimulation and starts taking action to regain balance. Adrenaline is destroyed. Receptors are destroyed.*
This is when the insanity of being a loved one really takes off. The loved one is no longer chemically balanced. Several things happen at this point:*
****Things that used to signal danger no longer feel so dangerous. There simply aren't enough "danger" chemicals or receptors to accurately convey the appropriate feelings. At this point loved ones may begin accepting very dangerous situations as OK. For example they may feel it is a good idea to track down a loved one at a dealer's house, or accept a loved one who is violent and abusive in their home. They may make a choice to allow a dangerous person to be around their children. This is not because the loved one just isn't making good choices. More accurately it is because their brain chemistry has been altered by the constant chaos, and they no longer have the right feelings that would initiate safe choices. Unacceptable behavior doesn't feel as truly dangerous as it is. ****
Still, some loved ones are aware enough to know they should stop being in a dangerous situation. When the loved one stops contact with the addict in their life, that is when withdrawal sets in.*
Withdrawal occurs when the brain is accustomed to a particular level of chemical activity, and that level is suddenly reduced.*
A loved one who has become accustomed to constant stimulation from fear and concern, who then suddenly finds themselves in a safe, calm environment, will feel withdrawal because their brains have adjusted to a high level of adrenaline.*
Withdrawal symptoms cause the loved one to feel quite uncomfortable. They will feel sad, have sleep problems, and feel that something is missing or just not quite right. This will cause the loved one to feel a desire to reach back out to the chaos they were accustomed to. The chaos will cause a hit of adrenaline to occur. This is the exact same cycle that an active drug addict goes through: stimulation followed by withdrawal. Withdrawal feelings cause a desire to be stimulated again, because the brain does not like extremes.*
Because the loved one who has undergone chemical changes has lower than normal adrenaline activity in the brain, they will crave stimulation. They will feel an overwhelming desire to "check on" the addict, or to take a phone call even though they know it will not have the end result of a pleasant conversation. They will engage in arguments that they know have no possibility of being resolved while the addict in their life is still in active addiction. The will feel drawn back to the fear and worry they just escaped.*
An extreme example of this is seen when a battered spouse continues to return to their abuser despite having other options.*
This is the brain chemistry side of the chaos cycle of being a loved one.*
So does it ever get better?*
Yes! It absolutely can get better.*
The human body can make more adrenaline, to replace what was destroyed when under constant stress. Not quickly, but slowly, it can replenish the levels of adrenaline so that the person feels normal, without needing chaos in their life to achieve a balance.*
The human body makes neurochemicals from our food intake. A healthy, protein rich diet gives the body the building blocks it needs to make more adrenaline. Regular light exercise, a normal sleep pattern, a safe environment, and a healthy diet will help the brain recover.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5
i lasted 4 years with my AH.... the last 2 being the worst. i worried about finances and his reaction to my leaving too. but i decided that i'd rather take my chances then to stay one more day in a house full of tension, fear, danger, verbal abuse, and more. like i said in another post, i may be poor but i'm happy. i look back now and wonder how i even stayed that long!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: North West, England
Posts: 500
Because of so many things.
I stayed because I hoped he would change, I hoped we could fix things. I was so low and downtrodden that I genuinely thought suicide was better for the world than making people carry on having to look at/listen to me. I was terrified of being on my own, I thought I wouldn't cope. He told me I wouldn't cope. He cut me off from everyone I know, he charmed my family and then lied to them about me. He lied to everyone I know about me. I had noone but him. I lived in fear, just coping from one day to the next, living on my nerves and desperately trying to keep the peace. I loved him, I wanted us to work, I wanted to believe this wasn't going to get worse and worse. I felt so bad about myself, I still do I guess. No confidence, no self esteem, I couldn't look people in the eye, I couldn't have a conversation. I couldn't look at people in the street. I was scared of losing him because I thought I could never live without him, even though life with him was so miserable.
I still love him. Still miss him. I've moved 15 miles from him and changed my number, I have to sit on my hands some nights do I don't call him. It's so hard.
There is no logical reason, and I can't make you see into the head of an abused woman- its messy!- but there are many many many reasons why women stay stuck.
I stayed because I hoped he would change, I hoped we could fix things. I was so low and downtrodden that I genuinely thought suicide was better for the world than making people carry on having to look at/listen to me. I was terrified of being on my own, I thought I wouldn't cope. He told me I wouldn't cope. He cut me off from everyone I know, he charmed my family and then lied to them about me. He lied to everyone I know about me. I had noone but him. I lived in fear, just coping from one day to the next, living on my nerves and desperately trying to keep the peace. I loved him, I wanted us to work, I wanted to believe this wasn't going to get worse and worse. I felt so bad about myself, I still do I guess. No confidence, no self esteem, I couldn't look people in the eye, I couldn't have a conversation. I couldn't look at people in the street. I was scared of losing him because I thought I could never live without him, even though life with him was so miserable.
I still love him. Still miss him. I've moved 15 miles from him and changed my number, I have to sit on my hands some nights do I don't call him. It's so hard.
There is no logical reason, and I can't make you see into the head of an abused woman- its messy!- but there are many many many reasons why women stay stuck.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: tennessee
Posts: 30
Thanks. I have to wonder then why she has sort of reached out to me. I haven't really enabled her in these three months that I know of. I haven't given her money or a place to stay or anything. I've sent her a couple of cards, gave her a birthday gift, that type of thing and words of encouragement as best I can. I'm not sure why she was talking to me so much then... unless she's in desperate need of a friend and hope for the future? Not sure.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: North West, England
Posts: 500
I know I once stayed in touch with a man I had no real intention of having a relationship with. I've never been an addict or an alcoholic by the way. But I wanted this little 'dream' to cling onto, it was like someone to hold onto and focus on to take my mind off the fact that my life was horrible and sick. I used to fantasise about leaving and being with this normal man. I would say I was infatuated yeah, I didn't USE him and I never slept with him or dated him or anything, but i think I saw him as a distraction or something. I used to obsess over random men too, like my neighbour or an ex colleague. I didn't actually know anything much about these men but I envied their wives and wished I was them. Just because I craved normality and love and affection. While I was doing that, I was nowhere near ready to leave. I'm 6 months out of a violent and abusive relationship and I am NOWHERE near ready to date anyone else, and I won't be for a very very long time (years). Domestic abuse destroys you, proper erodes you to the core, and I need to rebuild Windmills before I throw myself back into a relationship, because I'm not healthy right now.
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We have some useful information here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ng-abused.html
Mike
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http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ng-abused.html
Mike
Moderator, SR
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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Yes. He knows we had been talking. But she recently quit talking. Not sure why. Makes me wonder if she's trying to make it work with him. Is fearful. Got tired of hearing me suggest she could do better. Or just didn't want to suck me into her drama any further.
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Just not sure why anyone would want to stay with someone in abusive relationship.
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