Go Back   SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information > Friends and Family > Friends and Family of Alcoholics
Forgot Password? Join Us!
Register Blogs FAQ Calendar Arcade Mark Forums Read Chat Room [5]


Welcome to the Sober Recovery Community

Already registered? Login above ---^
OR
To take advantage of all Posting, Chatting, Gaming, and all the features available at SoberRecovery, join the over 100,000 current members, and become a member of our supportive community today! Ads will no longer appear on the forums, once you register.



Reply
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 05-29-2012, 09:08 PM   #1 (permalink)
Learning
 

Join Date: May 2012
Location: baltimore, md
Posts: 8
Cool Does counseling help, and what kind?

Hello fellow in-the-same-boaters. Alisa here, I keep falling into the same trap over and over again with my boyfriend. As strong as I want to be and should be I keep going back, practice makes perfect but I've never had to practice this routine. When I thought he was getting sober or trying..he was just lying. We have a baby together (adorable as hell I must add) going on 6 months, of course I want Eli to have his father but he's not ready to get help for his alcoholism and I keep feeding into his bullsh...(deep breath).... lies and games. He guilts me into taking his son away then says things like don't threaten me with my son and don't talk down to me. It's a little intimidating and hurtful! I BIRTHED HIM...and he even took more than half my pain pills after my c-section. I need guidance and I'm a skeptic about psychiatric help so I want to know if counseling helps at all. Everyone I know is biased...but I know they're right in what they say. I feel psychotic!!! Any input would be wonderful...cuz I feel like I'm falling again and I'm tired of fighting..I just want happiness
LearnToSwim is offline  
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiTweet this Post!
Reply With Quote
Old 05-29-2012, 09:43 PM   #2 (permalink)
Member
 
marie1960's Avatar
 

Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 1,604
Blog Entries: 1
LearnTo Swim,

You are not taking your child away from his father. You ABF choices and actions are.
Your first and formost obligation is to you baby, and yourself. And neither of you deserve to be held hostage by his unacceptable behavior.

You will never find happiness with an active alkie. You are not psychotic, you are feeling the effects of living with an addict. This is what they do, lie, deny, control, manipulate, and repeat........

Read everything you can about addiction, take the time to learn what you are truly dealing with. Alanon is another resource you should check into.

Take care of you, and your munchkin.
We are here, you are not alone.
marie1960 is offline  
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiTweet this Post!
Reply With Quote
Old 05-29-2012, 09:45 PM   #3 (permalink)
Member
 
SoaringSpirits's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 678
I've been seeing a counselor who specializes in addiction and codependency for the past 2 months. It's really helping me get my head screwed on straight. My husband is an alcoholic.

The last counselor was not all that up on alcoholism, and I really feel like we (my AH and I) spun our wheels with him. Getting a counselor who "gets" alcoholism is key. Ours didn't and he missed a lot of huge red flags.

PS, I meant counseling for YOU. Counseling for the two of you is a waste of time and money as long as he's unable to look at his addiction.
SoaringSpirits is offline  
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiTweet this Post!
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to SoaringSpirits For This Useful Post:
JustCallMeBeani (05-30-2012)
Old 05-29-2012, 09:48 PM   #4 (permalink)
Member
 
lizatola's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 1,505
Al Anon meetings would be a great place for you to start and they're free. And, no you're not psychotic. Alcoholics are known for being crazy makers, it's part of the disease. Al Anon will not give you advice, they will just sit and listen and offer you assistance in the form of support and love. You could always try counseling for yourself and see if you like it, you don't have to keep going if it doesn't work for you.
lizatola is offline  
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiTweet this Post!
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to lizatola For This Useful Post:
mattmathews (05-29-2012)
Old 05-29-2012, 09:59 PM   #5 (permalink)
Learning
 

Join Date: May 2012
Location: baltimore, md
Posts: 8
I think I will go to Al Anon, I used to think it was just for AL. but i guess not,

"This is what they do, lie, deny, control, manipulate, and repeat........"

Its so crazy how dead on that is, He's always done that and it took my son to make me realize it. I think this will take a long time for me to get my head on straight, I worry he will never get his head on straight..

I will go to a meeting and see what I can learn.
LearnToSwim is offline  
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiTweet this Post!
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to LearnToSwim For This Useful Post:
marie1960 (05-30-2012), mattmathews (05-29-2012)
Old 05-30-2012, 05:49 AM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: All over the place
Posts: 2,404
I have gotten a lot out of Al-Anon and therapy. A lot.

I agree though that finding a therapist with experience in addiction and codependency were really helpful to me. I have done both marriage and individual counseling, but typically if active alcohol use is in play they say marriage counseling does not help. Individual counseling is truly the best gift I have ever given myself.
LifeRecovery is offline  
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiTweet this Post!
Reply With Quote
Old 05-30-2012, 06:04 AM   #7 (permalink)
Member of SMART Recovery
 
onlythetruth's Avatar
 

Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,706
This is just my opinion, of course, but I think the best type of therapy for you would be individual therapy with someone who understands addictions and codependency,and is open-minded about recovery pathways.

Such a person can help you sort out your feelings and values, and help you figure out the best way forward for you and even help determine whether couples counseling would be helpful. (I would not START with couples counseling, I think you need someone whose focus is just on you--not because you are "the crazy one" but because you are in a terrible situation and have decisions to make.)
__________________
OTT


"Do, or do not. There is no 'try.'"
-- Jedi Master Yoda
onlythetruth is offline  
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiTweet this Post!
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to onlythetruth For This Useful Post:
Florence (05-30-2012)
Old 05-30-2012, 09:19 AM   #8 (permalink)
Member
 
choublak's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,561
AA is for alcoholics. Al-Anon is for you. You could also talk to some adult children of alcoholics, who grew up with an alcoholic parent or parents, to learn how it could affect your son if you stay in this situation.
choublak is offline  
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiTweet this Post!
Reply With Quote
Old 05-30-2012, 11:01 AM   #9 (permalink)
Learning
 

Join Date: May 2012
Location: baltimore, md
Posts: 8
thank you guys so much, i don't know what i would do without this website
LearnToSwim is offline  
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiTweet this Post!
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to LearnToSwim For This Useful Post:
JustCallMeBeani (05-30-2012)
Old 05-30-2012, 11:32 AM   #10 (permalink)
Member
 
JustCallMeBeani's Avatar
 

Join Date: May 2012
Location: Oyster Bay, NY
Posts: 14
Blog Entries: 2
Quote:
Originally Posted by SoaringSpirits View Post
PS, I meant counseling for YOU. Counseling for the two of you is a waste of time and money as long as he's unable to look at his addiction.
My husband keeps on insisting that we seek marital counseling. He recently began drinking again and thinks are taking a turn for the worst. He is manipulating me into thinking that I am the problem, seeking validation to drink from his mother (the enabler) and his friend (the addict) and shuns away anyone who tells him he needs to seek help before it's too late - which is why he wants to see someone. However, he refuses to see a counselor who is familiar with chemical dependency and substance abuse. Me (the one who tries to control everything) is trying to find ways around it and seeking a counselor who is familiar with this kind of stuff. I need to learn to let go and detach, and have faith that my "Higher Power" will guide us to the appropiate person who can insist that he looks at his addiction. I will be going to my first Al-Anon meeting tomorrow.

As for your boyfriend, I completely understand what you are going through. My daughter is 5 months old and I had to hide my pain medication after having a c-section, in fear that he would take it. I kept a log of every pill I took and counted the pills each time I took it. Again, I was trying to control the situation and prevent him from relapsing. When he did relapse about a month ago, I hid the left over medication. I only needed it for the first week and after that motrin alone was plenty. I should probably take it to the police and have it properly discarded rather than keeping it in the house, waiting for it to expire.

As for your question regarding counseling, I am in the same boat! I want to see a counselor with my husband but, he refuses to see one who will force him to look at himself. He "refuses to play the role of an addict in our marriage" and believes he is not an addict and that "I want him to be." Excuse me? Why the F*** would I wish this vicious disease on anyone and then deliberately choose to live my life with an active addict? I made a commitment to him when we were married that I would stand by him through sickness and health. I am going to try to keep the promise that I made, unless his behavior becomes unacceptable and out of control. I have to protect myself and my daughter because we are most important right now. In order to try to make this work, I know that I have to work on myself and find support, love, and tools on how to make this situation healthy for me in the time being. This is why I am going to attend Al-Anon. I agreed to give counseling a try in hopes that he will see that he is very sick and needs help before things completely spiral out of control.

Good luck!
JustCallMeBeani is offline  
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiTweet this Post!
Reply With Quote
Old 05-30-2012, 01:09 PM   #11 (permalink)
Member
 
NYCDoglvr's Avatar
 

Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 3,177
I reiterate that protecting your child from the very destructive words and actions of an active alcoholic is your primary purpose. The effects a child being in the persence of someone who is drunk and abusive can cause long terms problems.
NYCDoglvr is offline  
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiTweet this Post!
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to NYCDoglvr For This Useful Post:
JustCallMeBeani (05-30-2012)
Old 05-30-2012, 01:30 PM   #12 (permalink)
Member
 
JenT1968's Avatar
 

Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
Blog Entries: 1
I tried relationship therapy with my exAH (whilst we were together), we only made 5 appointments, attended 2, because ex cancelled the others, and at that point I gave up. I didn't find it helpful, I was unable to open up, I knew ex would use anything I shared against me (and I was right, the few things I did impart have been thrown back in my face ever since). Ex dominated the conversation, saying all the "right" things, but none of it squared with his behaviour when not in therapy and some of it was down-right lies.

later (years later - and when I was still with him) I went to see a counsellor, primarily to deal with my increasing social phobia and anxiety, BUT I chose her from a list sent to me by my local Drug and Alcohol service, she used lots of different techniques, lectured at the local university (so I could check out her papers and credentials) and had worked with addiction.

I turned up telling her my Husband was an alcoholic, but I didn't want to talk to her about that, just my anxiety issues. She was fab, we really clicked, and she helped me enormously, as I sorted through my feelings, what was happening at home (and yes, ex's alcoholism!).

I also tried al-anon, for more than 6 sessions, the people were lovely, warm, non-judgemental, but I didn't find the messages there particularly helpful. Others have had a vastly different experience, and found it wonderful.
__________________
Ceridwen

is embracing a pre-caxton approach to spelling

JenT1968 is offline  
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiTweet this Post!
Reply With Quote
Old 05-30-2012, 01:33 PM   #13 (permalink)
Member
 
JenT1968's Avatar
 

Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
Blog Entries: 1
FYI Beani

Quote:
I should probably take it to the police and have it properly discarded rather than keeping it in the house, waiting for it to expire.
where i live you can take unused medication to any pharmacy/primary care physician/hospital to have it properly disposed of, might be the case where you live?
__________________
Ceridwen

is embracing a pre-caxton approach to spelling

JenT1968 is offline  
Digg this Post!Add Post to del.icio.usBookmark Post in TechnoratiTweet this Post!
Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:06 AM.


 
National Drug and Alcohol Treatment Centers
 
Drug Rehab | Best Treatment Center | Detox Center | Residential Treatment Center
Cocaine/Crack Treatment | Alcohol Rehab | Heroin/Oxycontin Treatment Center | Crystal Meth Treatment | Marijuana Treatment | Methadone Treatment | Suboxone Treatment
 
Local Treatment Resources and Events
 
Alabama | Alaska | Arizona | Arkansas | California | Colorado | Connecticut | DC | Delaware
Florida | Georgia | Hawaii | Idaho | Illinois | Indiana | Iowa | Kansas | Kentucky | Louisiana | Maine
Maryland | Massachusetts | Michigan | Minnesota | Mississippi | Missouri | Montana | Nebraska | Nevada | New Hampshire
New Jersey | New Mexico | New York | North Carolina | North Dakota | Ohio | Oklahoma | Oregon | Pennsylvania | Rhode Island
South Carolina | South Dakota | Tennesee | Texas | Utah | Vermont | Virginia | Washington | West Virginia | Wisconsin | Wyoming

© 2013 Internet Brands. | Privacy Policy | Terms of Use | Health Disclaimer
A proud member of the SoberRecovery® Network of Addiction and Recovery Websites