Alcoholic husband hides alcohol over and over what to do?
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Arkansas
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Alcoholic husband hides alcohol over and over what to do?
My husband and I have been married for 12 years this June. He has an older son and we have two kids, 8 & 4. Over the years, the alcohol issue comes up over and over. I do drink, so I'm not a t-totaler. However, I do not have a problem with drinking. I can take it or leave it. My husband however has a hard time not drinking. The issue has been discussed many times & he acknowledges it. He will try to cut back or claim he is only drinking beer or something harder on a special occasion. BUT, He still hides Vodka & I find bottles in crazy places. I have told him in the past year that if he doesn't get it under control, the kids & I won't continue to live like this. He tries to just drink beer, but that never lasts. Sometimes he can limit is consumption & sometimes he doesn't. Mostly it has affected our relationship. I feel pretty much alone in it & am really happier when he is not around. If he is around, I am constantly wondering if he sneaking around drinking. He is a good dad & a good person. He isn't mean or anything like that. I know it could be worse, but still it isn't good. I found an empty bottle a while back & he claimed it was something old.....but I found another one & have been suspicious of him sneaking, by his behavior. So I put it back to see if he replaces it since he doesn't know I found this hiding place. We will see what happens. I told him last time if this happens again, I will coexist with him for the kids sake........& see how that goes until I decide where to go from there. The kids are my #1 priority. It is hard to know which is worse sometimes, letting him stay or having him leave................for the kids I mean. They haven't a clue of course. They love their daddy so much. He is very good to them. I think my plan for now is good. I try to take one day at a time & not do anything drastic..........for the kids sake. I think I need to go to an alanon meeting. I'm sure it would be good for me. Thoughts?
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Meja, welcome to SR and (((hugs))).
Al-Anon would probably be good for you. It is not about getting your A to quit but it is about you and what you are going though and dealing with all the things you are dealing with. It was a huge help for me.
One of the big things I learned is the 3 c's.
I didn't cause it.
I can't control it.
I can't cure it.
Looking for his stash of hidden booze isn't going to change him and it isn't going to do you any good.
If you went back to that bottle you found and it was empty or had been replaced what would you do? Getting mad isn't going to change him. Threats are going to change him. He will only get better when he is ready to get better and nothing you do will change that.
The only thing you can change is you. How you react to what is going on, learning to set boundaries and how to work on achieving serenity in your life. These are all things you can learn here and at Al-Anon.
I am sorry for what brought you here but you are in the right place as we do understand what you are going through.
Your friend,
Al-Anon would probably be good for you. It is not about getting your A to quit but it is about you and what you are going though and dealing with all the things you are dealing with. It was a huge help for me.
One of the big things I learned is the 3 c's.
I didn't cause it.
I can't control it.
I can't cure it.
Looking for his stash of hidden booze isn't going to change him and it isn't going to do you any good.
If you went back to that bottle you found and it was empty or had been replaced what would you do? Getting mad isn't going to change him. Threats are going to change him. He will only get better when he is ready to get better and nothing you do will change that.
The only thing you can change is you. How you react to what is going on, learning to set boundaries and how to work on achieving serenity in your life. These are all things you can learn here and at Al-Anon.
I am sorry for what brought you here but you are in the right place as we do understand what you are going through.
Your friend,
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Yes to Alanon! Alanon has been a great resource of support, information and encouragement to me. As well as SR - so read and post as much as needed.
Here is a link to an older post (called stickies) that contains steps which helped me while living with active alcoholism:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Yes to Alanon! Alanon has been a great resource of support, information and encouragement to me. As well as SR - so read and post as much as needed.
Here is a link to an older post (called stickies) that contains steps which helped me while living with active alcoholism:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Yes, I do agree that Al Anon would be a great place to start. I have been attending since January and I value my meetings so much that I'd drag myself out of a sick bed just to get there, LOL.
You are not alone. My AH was hiding bottles and I was finding them and then I'd try everything: begging, crying, arguing, believing his lies that he would quit only to smell it on him a few weeks later, etc. He is a binge drinker so I never knew what day he would choose to get plastered and most of the time once he started, he couldn't stop. It finally came to a head when he got a DUI in February. He quit drinking but still has mini bottles hidden in his office, etc. He swears he will never drink again, that the DUI was his bottom. I doubt it. Right now, I am focusing on me, I am working on detaching with love(which I find very hard to do), and I am working on finding some peace for myself no matter what he chooses to do/not do.
Many of us here have children and I know it's so hard to waffle between wanting the marriage to work and wanting things to be good for the kids. Meetings and a sponsor will help you get some perspective. Keep coming back!
You are not alone. My AH was hiding bottles and I was finding them and then I'd try everything: begging, crying, arguing, believing his lies that he would quit only to smell it on him a few weeks later, etc. He is a binge drinker so I never knew what day he would choose to get plastered and most of the time once he started, he couldn't stop. It finally came to a head when he got a DUI in February. He quit drinking but still has mini bottles hidden in his office, etc. He swears he will never drink again, that the DUI was his bottom. I doubt it. Right now, I am focusing on me, I am working on detaching with love(which I find very hard to do), and I am working on finding some peace for myself no matter what he chooses to do/not do.
Many of us here have children and I know it's so hard to waffle between wanting the marriage to work and wanting things to be good for the kids. Meetings and a sponsor will help you get some perspective. Keep coming back!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Arkansas
Posts: 12
Thank you these are all very helpful. I know I cannot control him.........I just hate being lied to. I'd rather him just do it out in the open than hide it. I know that is classic with alcoholics though. The fact that he tries to act like he has it all under control & sneaks around urks me! I guess meetings & then figuring out how much I will put up with or setting some kind of boundary....idk. Right now I think I will just tell him we will coexist peacefully, but that our relationship is not ok because of the problem and the lies. I'm not going to pretend all is well. I have too much resentment built up.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 456
Welcome MEJA!
I grew up with an alcoholic father. My mother stayed with him for 16 years before she got up the courage to leave. She actually knew on their wedding night that she had made a mistake in marrying him. After their reception, he hung out in the bar until closing while she cried in their hotel room! It didn't get any better.
I know that she stayed with him "for the children" and I know she felt like she sheltered us from his alcoholism. It didn't really work though.
I was about ten-years-old when I started to be afraid when driving with my dad when he was drunk.
My father's moods were so unpredictable. When he did come home I remember trying to evaluate whether he was the "fun" dad or the "mean" dad. If he was drunk and angry we would all hid in our rooms.
I also blamed myself for his alcoholism. I kept thinking that if I was a better daughter maybe he wouldn't drink. I even spent the early part of my adult life dating men just like my dad who I thought I could also change.
My father's alcoholism consumed my mother. Even though she was the more stable parent she wasn't emotionally available to us because she was always preoccupied with my father's drinking.
Our life got better when they divorced. However, my siblings and I are all in our forties and still struggling with the effects of growing up in an alcoholic home.
Thanks for letting me share my story.
db
I grew up with an alcoholic father. My mother stayed with him for 16 years before she got up the courage to leave. She actually knew on their wedding night that she had made a mistake in marrying him. After their reception, he hung out in the bar until closing while she cried in their hotel room! It didn't get any better.
I know that she stayed with him "for the children" and I know she felt like she sheltered us from his alcoholism. It didn't really work though.
I was about ten-years-old when I started to be afraid when driving with my dad when he was drunk.
My father's moods were so unpredictable. When he did come home I remember trying to evaluate whether he was the "fun" dad or the "mean" dad. If he was drunk and angry we would all hid in our rooms.
I also blamed myself for his alcoholism. I kept thinking that if I was a better daughter maybe he wouldn't drink. I even spent the early part of my adult life dating men just like my dad who I thought I could also change.
My father's alcoholism consumed my mother. Even though she was the more stable parent she wasn't emotionally available to us because she was always preoccupied with my father's drinking.
Our life got better when they divorced. However, my siblings and I are all in our forties and still struggling with the effects of growing up in an alcoholic home.
Thanks for letting me share my story.
db
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Arkansas
Posts: 12
Thank you for that insight. I know as my children get older they will start to realize more & more. My husband is not ever mean.........actually he is probably nicer when drinking...but still........it's a problem.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 451
Meja,
I have a 2 year old and live with my ABF, our son's father. I know the feeling of wanting to stay for our son because boy does our son love LOVE LOVE his daddy. But, our son also knows that the beer bottles ARE daddy's. Sad, isn't it? I think staying and accepting alcohol in the house on a consistent basis is just such a bad example. Even though, my ABF isn't mean to our son (yet - he IS only 2), he does become verbally abusive towards me and we have had a few physical altercations as well. (Not recently, thank god because I have just given up on trying to control the alcoholic intake).
My mom had an alcoholic father and though he was my grandfather, I really didn't like him, he was mean and drunk. I try to communicate that our son will not grow up respecting his father once he becomes older, but he just doesn't buy it. He actually tells me that as a child he loved being around people drinking because they were having a good time. I can assure you that living with my ABF is NOT a good time. I have had less 'good times' in the last two years as his drinking has spiraled out of control than I had in my entire previous 13 year relationship.
Point is, kids will learn this behavior. The sober parent can't remain trapped in a nightmare because we MUST teach our kids to do the right thing, even though it can cause some temporary pain. I have threatened my ABF SOOO MANY times that I will leave if he can't get in under control and it is like talking to a brick wall. He swears he is not an alcoholic because he can *quit anytime* (though he drinks daily) and because he *enjoys drinking* (DUH!). Until they realize there is a problem, and we stay with them, we are condoning that behavior to our children.
DBH provides some GREAT insight into a child's mind who has an alcoholic for a father living in the same house. I will make my break in August when my lease is up, this time I know I will do it for real. I don't think we have to make rash, hasty decisions. We can plan and take our time. Don't feel pressured but just REALLY think about the kind of environment YOU can provide for your kiddos. You can only do your best, none of us are perfect by any means.
Take care.
CS
I have a 2 year old and live with my ABF, our son's father. I know the feeling of wanting to stay for our son because boy does our son love LOVE LOVE his daddy. But, our son also knows that the beer bottles ARE daddy's. Sad, isn't it? I think staying and accepting alcohol in the house on a consistent basis is just such a bad example. Even though, my ABF isn't mean to our son (yet - he IS only 2), he does become verbally abusive towards me and we have had a few physical altercations as well. (Not recently, thank god because I have just given up on trying to control the alcoholic intake).
My mom had an alcoholic father and though he was my grandfather, I really didn't like him, he was mean and drunk. I try to communicate that our son will not grow up respecting his father once he becomes older, but he just doesn't buy it. He actually tells me that as a child he loved being around people drinking because they were having a good time. I can assure you that living with my ABF is NOT a good time. I have had less 'good times' in the last two years as his drinking has spiraled out of control than I had in my entire previous 13 year relationship.
Point is, kids will learn this behavior. The sober parent can't remain trapped in a nightmare because we MUST teach our kids to do the right thing, even though it can cause some temporary pain. I have threatened my ABF SOOO MANY times that I will leave if he can't get in under control and it is like talking to a brick wall. He swears he is not an alcoholic because he can *quit anytime* (though he drinks daily) and because he *enjoys drinking* (DUH!). Until they realize there is a problem, and we stay with them, we are condoning that behavior to our children.
DBH provides some GREAT insight into a child's mind who has an alcoholic for a father living in the same house. I will make my break in August when my lease is up, this time I know I will do it for real. I don't think we have to make rash, hasty decisions. We can plan and take our time. Don't feel pressured but just REALLY think about the kind of environment YOU can provide for your kiddos. You can only do your best, none of us are perfect by any means.
Take care.
CS
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Arkansas
Posts: 12
The kids & how to deal with them is what I struggle with the most. My son is 8. At what point do I talk with him about the real problem. If and when I decide to divorce? I don't want to burden them with worry, like I have. My daughter is 4 almost 5.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
My father was an alcoholic. He was not mean either. In fact, he was a fun drunk and everybody loved him, including me and my siblings. My mother, on the other hand, was always either angry, sad, or preoccupied with my father. And, I spent most of my time with her because my dad was the kind of drunk who liked to drink away from home. It was not a happy childhood, and I'm still working through the damage at the age of nearly 50. I ended up marrying an alcoholic and having two children with him. Everything I learned by example from my parents about what marriage is, I repeated in my own life. I'm sure they learned it from their parents, and so on.
This legacy stops with me! I do not want my children to repeat the cycle. I divorced my alcoholic and went to counseling. My children also went to counseling. Our lives are infinitely better than they would have been had I "stayed for the children." They are 19 and 15 now and they did and still do love their father very much. They are also very grateful not to be living in dysfunction any more.
L
This legacy stops with me! I do not want my children to repeat the cycle. I divorced my alcoholic and went to counseling. My children also went to counseling. Our lives are infinitely better than they would have been had I "stayed for the children." They are 19 and 15 now and they did and still do love their father very much. They are also very grateful not to be living in dysfunction any more.
L
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 16
Originally Posted by Justfor1 
When an alcoholic starts hiding his supply then you know it's bad. Always seems to be Vodka too.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 38
I also grew up with an alcoholic father, my mother tried to stay for the sake of her children. Our life was much better after they divorced but like dbh we are all in our fifties and still deal with the effects of growing up with an alcoholic father.
I will never forget the day I came home from school and Dad had moved out, I was 9 years old. My mother was scared, sad, hurt and crying. I sat beside her and she was hugging me because I was crying too. The reality was I was crying because my mother was crying and deep down I was crying because I was happy and relieved that he was finally gone and very afraid that she would let him come back.
It hurt so much to see my mother torn up like that and I carried guilt for years because even though I knew she was hurting, I prayed that he wouldn't come back and they would get divorced.
I will never forget the day I came home from school and Dad had moved out, I was 9 years old. My mother was scared, sad, hurt and crying. I sat beside her and she was hugging me because I was crying too. The reality was I was crying because my mother was crying and deep down I was crying because I was happy and relieved that he was finally gone and very afraid that she would let him come back.
It hurt so much to see my mother torn up like that and I carried guilt for years because even though I knew she was hurting, I prayed that he wouldn't come back and they would get divorced.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Arkansas
Posts: 12
Well, he did go to the liquor store yesterday & buy both of us beer. Of course, I didn't ask for any, but I'm sure his buying the kind I like makes him feel better about buying his. I checked (out of curiosity) the bottle I had found & it was still empty & had not been replaced. It could be something old, or it could be that he replaces it from time to time. For now, I just have to see how things go. Your posts have helped me to see that I need to focus on me and the kids & stop wasting my time worrying about if he is drinking or not. I will do my best. Thank you all.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
If your kids are 8 and 5, they surely know far more than you think they do. I told myself for a long time that AH was a good dad and was good to the girls and it was just me he was awful with.
But I didn't realize that the girls were being impacted with the tension that came from me when I worried about his drinking, his hiding, his lying. I didn't realize that they knew he smelled funny too often and my now 6 yr old has severe anxiety and worries about almost everything.
Your kids know a lot more than you think- I'd bet my life on it. And they are being negatively impacted by the alcoholic home they live in. It's not just your AH's drinking that is the problem-- it's the environment, the unspoken "rules", the topics that can't be discussed, the wondering if he's lying or drinking and whether you are okay leaving the kids with him etc...
Glad you are here... And I am only saying all of this about the kids bc I needed to hear it a lot before I believed it and now, looking back, I wish I'd listened a lot sooner. My D's are 6 and 4 by the way.
But I didn't realize that the girls were being impacted with the tension that came from me when I worried about his drinking, his hiding, his lying. I didn't realize that they knew he smelled funny too often and my now 6 yr old has severe anxiety and worries about almost everything.
Your kids know a lot more than you think- I'd bet my life on it. And they are being negatively impacted by the alcoholic home they live in. It's not just your AH's drinking that is the problem-- it's the environment, the unspoken "rules", the topics that can't be discussed, the wondering if he's lying or drinking and whether you are okay leaving the kids with him etc...
Glad you are here... And I am only saying all of this about the kids bc I needed to hear it a lot before I believed it and now, looking back, I wish I'd listened a lot sooner. My D's are 6 and 4 by the way.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 451
WTBH - I totally agree that the kids know what is going on. Even my 2 year old knows what is going on. Sometimes he says, "Daddy drunk?" He picks up bottles of beer and says, "Daddy's". He also has really bad emotional days at the babysitters if his dad and I had been arguing the night before about his drinking.
I am trying really hard to not bring up the drinking or make a big deal of it with ABF because I hate the tension and so does my son. My ABF is also pretty nice to the kiddo but he is only 2, you know. I can picture if I were to stay with him and say DS was 8 or 10, then he could start ridiculing and putting him down like he does to me. ABF treats me worst out of everyone.
The other night he told my son that I hated him. I was pretty floored and just told him don't you EVER say that to him again. I think ABF is starting to get to the delusional alcoholic stage to be honest. I am thankful that my mom's roommate is most likely not coming back so I can move in with her once the lease is up. I would have been out on my own LONG ago if 1) ABF's mom wouldn't have talked me into giving her son *one last chance* 2) If I could afford rent AND daycare on my own. Daycare for a toddler is EXPENSIVE. I know I can't count on ABF to chip in any money, he DOES have to buy alcohol.
Meja - my ABF hides alcohol too. He told me Monday morning he *wasn't drinking until Friday*. I just said, "Uh-huh, we'll see and I don't care hearing about it anymore". So, his ideal of not drinking this week has been not drinking *in front of ME* this week. It is pretty sad, but we must choose not to be victims for the sake of our children. Staying WILL hurt them more than leaving. We also don't have to not let them have a relationship with their dad, but I can guarantee they will more than likely feel safer with the sober parent. They will also get a chance to know what a *normal* household is versus a *alcoholic* household. They will know why we left without having to verbalize it too much. Kids are pretty intuitive.
I am trying really hard to not bring up the drinking or make a big deal of it with ABF because I hate the tension and so does my son. My ABF is also pretty nice to the kiddo but he is only 2, you know. I can picture if I were to stay with him and say DS was 8 or 10, then he could start ridiculing and putting him down like he does to me. ABF treats me worst out of everyone.
The other night he told my son that I hated him. I was pretty floored and just told him don't you EVER say that to him again. I think ABF is starting to get to the delusional alcoholic stage to be honest. I am thankful that my mom's roommate is most likely not coming back so I can move in with her once the lease is up. I would have been out on my own LONG ago if 1) ABF's mom wouldn't have talked me into giving her son *one last chance* 2) If I could afford rent AND daycare on my own. Daycare for a toddler is EXPENSIVE. I know I can't count on ABF to chip in any money, he DOES have to buy alcohol.
Meja - my ABF hides alcohol too. He told me Monday morning he *wasn't drinking until Friday*. I just said, "Uh-huh, we'll see and I don't care hearing about it anymore". So, his ideal of not drinking this week has been not drinking *in front of ME* this week. It is pretty sad, but we must choose not to be victims for the sake of our children. Staying WILL hurt them more than leaving. We also don't have to not let them have a relationship with their dad, but I can guarantee they will more than likely feel safer with the sober parent. They will also get a chance to know what a *normal* household is versus a *alcoholic* household. They will know why we left without having to verbalize it too much. Kids are pretty intuitive.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Arkansas
Posts: 12
My AH is never mean. I am lucky I don't have that to deal with. We don't have big knock down drag outs or yell & scream. We tend to say a few words & then ignore each other. Not good, but better than fighting. We try not to discuss any of it around the kids. We have always tried not to fight & argue around them. They may think he smells funny sometimes & I know they know he drinks beer a lot. My AH is very good to admit his problem. It's a good first step. He has even discussed it with his doctor. But, he still drinks. His dad was an alcoholic. Took a stroke to get him to stop. Thank you for all your insight. Very helpful.
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