need some support 8 months and no changes just excuses - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

gbz · 04-30-2012, 10:30 PM

I have been reading posts and isolating myself these last couple of days. In fact it took a long while for me to feel comfortable posting. I left 8 months ago and have tried to work things out. But I discovered that he continues to drink. I took him out for his birthday 2 weekends ago and noted his odd behavior , he then ordered red wine during dinner, acted erratic during dinner, then ran out of my car on the way home ecause I told him I was disappointed. Consequently I made it home before he . I don't live there now but still have keys and I found a beer in a chilled pint glass in my fridge.
3 days later I was in the neighborhood and stopped by unexpectedly. I found him on the couch a sleep, a bottle of bourbon on the floor and a watered down glass of booze. There was a beer hidden by the couch. He awoke told me I shouldn't't pop in unexpectedly, apparently it wasn't fair . He admitted he had relapse then told me he drinks at times. He wants me to move back in , he wants to work on our marriage . I laid out the facts last night .I don't expect him to stop drinking. Sadly I accept this now. At least he is coherent and not slurring. But I told him he needed a job because May was the last month of rent I would give him. I told him I was not prepared to carry his weight any longer and that he needs to work. He has not taken this news well. He is obsessed that he may not be able to get a job and that he will have to give a 30 day notice .I can't even begin to express how saddened I am . why can't he just stand up and start looking for work ?... Its 30 days from tomorrow ! I finally told him I needed a divorce. I feel sick mentally distressed and physically drained. I need to let go, call my attorney, accept that he is not the one for me. I'm finding it all a bit overwhelming. I can't even stand talking to Him and I'm mean.a real b%#$. I feel awful, guilty .and sad Do I find an apartment , do I fight for our apartment ? Where do I start ?

EnglishGarden · 04-30-2012, 10:58 PM

My reading tells me that alcoholics generally first lose their friends, then their families, and finally, at the bitter end, their jobs. They are willing to let everything but the job go, because they want the job to pay for the booze.

What he is really obsessed about, in his disease, is not you, not the marriage, not the apartment.....it is about where the money for the booze will come from if he's too hung over to go to work.

So, whatever choice you make, make it for your safety and welfare in every aspect of your life, and he will figure out how to pay for his next bottle.

And one day, he might, one hopes, be done. But for now, he's not.

I would find an apartment all my own, make it all my own, get help for recovery from codependency and trauma for at least a year, and make a good relationship with your Higher Power, to help you through the hard days.

It is so tough to face reality. We try every bargaining tactic not to. But we just have to.

Breathe deep, you are going to be all right. Life supports us when we decide to get well.

TakingCharge999 · 05-01-2012, 12:22 AM

Good for you for taking care of yourself. I would talk to an attorney first. You will be fine. Just for the record I left a XABF 3 years ago. Today he is the same person and drinks the same or more. I could have wasted all this time waiting for something I can't control. Its wise to know our limits and to chose what works for us. HUGS!

**hydrogirl** · 05-01-2012, 01:13 AM

(((gbz))) You are not mean or heartless. You cannot save him, nor are you the reason that all this is happening to him. He has brought all of this on himself.

He has been given him plenty of time to find a job and keep going. He refuses or is incapable, but that is not something you did to him.

I hope that you will base all your decisions on what is best for you....where do you want to live? An attorney should be able to help you make the best decisions as you move forward.

I'm sorry you are hurting! HG

XXXXXXXXXX · 05-01-2012, 09:17 AM

I left a year ago and your story sounds very similar to mine. I held on to the fantasy that my leaving would be the shock he needed to turn things around. I would go out to dinner with him, and have that gut feeling that he had been drinking. I would find beer cans that he swore belonged to his brother. I didn't trust my gut, especially when he would manipulate and tell me that "now that he was doing so well, I didn't trust him."

In the past months, I have paid very close attention to his actions, which don't match his words at all. I don't think my ex had a relapse, because I don't think he has been sober at all, and although $20,000 of rehab, losing yet another professional job, and watching the house get forclosed on he still believes that he can tell me that things are better and that he isn't drinking.

Even when he sent drunk texts just days ago and others have told me that he is still drinking. I have my phone blocked from calls because anything he has to say is just talk.

I am now living my life just for me. I pray for him that he will find his way, but I have to live apart from the drama and chaos that he brings. Over a year ago I told him that he had to make a choice: being an active alcoholic or having a home and family. Now he tells me he wants to make that choice.......sorry buddy. Those are just words.

Please trust your instincts. They will rarely fail us.

NYCDoglvr · 05-01-2012, 10:40 AM

For active alcoholics booze is their higher power, God, the love of their life. Relationships are secondary. Typically they'll say they won't drink (and probably mean it) but few really get help (rehab, AA). "Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame of me" I should have that tattooed on my forehead! I thought I was loving and caring, giving my ex a second chance, hope springs eternal, bla bla bla. Turns out I suffer from as much denial as an alcoholic. That, and it's easier to stay in a situation -- even a bad one -- than confront my fears about life on my own and take action. But thank God I did it.

gbz · 05-01-2012, 12:55 PM

yes, at least now i feel as i can say I tried. i really did try with this one.

I have an appointment with attorney #2 to get a second opinion relative to spousal support I will be filing for divorce. it s weird i dont feel as scared as before.

thank you for re assurance that i am doing the right thing.

Alanonic · 05-01-2012, 04:12 PM

He probably doesnt want to look for a job because then he would have to get sober. Obviously this is not priority for him. You are his life line. Cut the line. I wouldnt be paying his rent. I'm not going to pay my mortgage to the house my husband lives in. I have no idea either on how he is going to pay it.
"They" seem to find a way, to get their own way.
Get your own place before your record gets tainted cuz he is not paying rent.
I would quit checking up on him, too.

Alanonic · 05-01-2012, 04:14 PM

I have an appointment with attorney #2 to get a second opinion relative to spousal support I will be filing for divorce. it s weird i dont feel as scared as before.
thank you for re assurance that i am doing the right thing.

Talk to me about Spousal Support.....what exactly is that about?

choublak · 05-01-2012, 04:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gbz

He awoke told me I shouldn't't pop in unexpectedly, apparently it wasn't fair .

You're paying the rent there, right? You have the right to "pop in" whenever you feel like it.

gbz · 05-01-2012, 11:22 PM

spousal support. Yes I live in California so he is entitled to spousal support for half the life of our marriage. He can not take my business bc I am a health professional and he is not Also I opened my clinic before we married so he is not entitled to my business. Its pretty crappy to pay someone who did nada during our marriage. But its law. Now if I can have him non contest I may be able to offer him something to end this. Truth is I want a divorce to be legally freed regardless if his actions. I have been trying avoid this but its inevitable. I'm planning to Caribbean and think about key choices.
I also need to unwind

gbz · 05-01-2012, 11:27 PM

chiublak yes. I agree. I also have my kitties there. This is another issue. He loves them dearly. Think about it he raised them and be is with them daily. So I may just let him keep them for now .I don't know its sad but our apt is pretty large they have their own room. Etc I don't want to strip him of everything . I just want to live.

EnglishGarden · 05-02-2012, 07:59 AM

Your thinking is very fogged, I know, but please consider that the American Humane Association would not place a pet with a drunk, and it would be best for your cats if you don't either.

Drunks are profoundly upsetting to all those around them, and this includes animals.

I hope your getaway helps you find some peace and clarity. And some rest.

gbz · 05-02-2012, 08:38 AM

Yes i often dwelled on this topic but for now they are better with him. They have a large flat apartment. Cats have their own room and I supply all necessities food sand physicals treats etc. all do they is lounge and play. I visit them weekly they appear happy good appetites and quite socialized. They are fine himilayans. But thank you because they will come with me once I set up an apt of house. I don't know at this point. I feel ready to move on but rent in my area is like a mortgage payment !!!!jamiaca will cleAr my mind

Mambo Queen · 05-02-2012, 08:57 AM

I have been following your posts because you remind me a lot of myself. My now ex-A had me supporting him for years after the divorce--not fully, and not all the time, but anytime he needed a handout I gave it to him, plus I kept this writing job up for him and didn't see a dime of the moneyexcept one payment of $200. He didn't work consistently for the entire length of our marriage. I have JUST NOW broken the cycle by going no contact and truly getting comfortable with the fact that he has to entirely sink or swim by his own devices, and if that means he starts again from a homeless shelter, that's what it means. My feelings of compassion and pity, guilt and anxiety blinded me to the true reality of what I was doing, which was enabling him to continue to live a horribly dysfunctional lifestyle with no consequences. I know it seems like such a sad life to us, but it really isn't to them or they would choose something different for themselves. I pray for you that your eyes are opened sooner than mine are, that you accept that this man is never going to give you anything close to what YOU need and deserve in a relationship, and that it is NOT YOUR PROBLEM what happens to him if you cut off all support. And get a good lawyer, because I bet you owe him less than you think you do. But I truly, truly, truly understand how difficult all of that is--as I've stated, I think I'm just now out of the woods and I left my exA in 2009. I just hope for you your road isn't as lengthy as mine was.

04-30-2012, 10:30 PM	#1 (permalink)
gbz Member Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: sf,ca Posts: 121 Blog Entries: 1	need some support 8 months and no changes just excuses I have been reading posts and isolating myself these last couple of days. In fact it took a long while for me to feel comfortable posting. I left 8 months ago and have tried to work things out. But I discovered that he continues to drink. I took him out for his birthday 2 weekends ago and noted his odd behavior , he then ordered red wine during dinner, acted erratic during dinner, then ran out of my car on the way home ecause I told him I was disappointed. Consequently I made it home before he . I don't live there now but still have keys and I found a beer in a chilled pint glass in my fridge. 3 days later I was in the neighborhood and stopped by unexpectedly. I found him on the couch a sleep, a bottle of bourbon on the floor and a watered down glass of booze. There was a beer hidden by the couch. He awoke told me I shouldn't't pop in unexpectedly, apparently it wasn't fair . He admitted he had relapse then told me he drinks at times. He wants me to move back in , he wants to work on our marriage . I laid out the facts last night .I don't expect him to stop drinking. Sadly I accept this now. At least he is coherent and not slurring. But I told him he needed a job because May was the last month of rent I would give him. I told him I was not prepared to carry his weight any longer and that he needs to work. He has not taken this news well. He is obsessed that he may not be able to get a job and that he will have to give a 30 day notice .I can't even begin to express how saddened I am . why can't he just stand up and start looking for work ?... Its 30 days from tomorrow ! I finally told him I needed a divorce. I feel sick mentally distressed and physically drained. I need to let go, call my attorney, accept that he is not the one for me. I'm finding it all a bit overwhelming. I can't even stand talking to Him and I'm mean.a real b%#$. I feel awful, guilty .and sad Do I find an apartment , do I fight for our apartment ? Where do I start ?

05-01-2012, 12:22 AM	#3 (permalink)
TakingCharge999 A jug fills drop by drop Join Date: Nov 2008 Posts: 6,635	Good for you for taking care of yourself. I would talk to an attorney first. You will be fine. Just for the record I left a XABF 3 years ago. Today he is the same person and drinks the same or more. I could have wasted all this time waiting for something I can't control. Its wise to know our limits and to chose what works for us. HUGS! __________________ Meditate. Live purely. Be quiet. Do your work with mastery. Like the moon, come out from behind the clouds. Shine. -Siddharta

05-01-2012, 01:13 AM	#4 (permalink)
hydrogirl Forum Leader Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: Paris, I wish....... Posts: 4,347	(((gbz))) You are not mean or heartless. You cannot save him, nor are you the reason that all this is happening to him. He has brought all of this on himself. He has been given him plenty of time to find a job and keep going. He refuses or is incapable, but that is not something you did to him. I hope that you will base all your decisions on what is best for you....where do you want to live? An attorney should be able to help you make the best decisions as you move forward. I'm sorry you are hurting! HG __________________ Don't ever mistake My Silence for ignorance, My Calmness for acceptance, or My Kindness for weakness.

04-30-2012, 10:58 PM	#2 (permalink)
EnglishGarden Member Join Date: Jan 2012 Location: new moon road Posts: 1,272	My reading tells me that alcoholics generally first lose their friends, then their families, and finally, at the bitter end, their jobs. They are willing to let everything but the job go, because they want the job to pay for the booze. What he is really obsessed about, in his disease, is not you, not the marriage, not the apartment.....it is about where the money for the booze will come from if he's too hung over to go to work. So, whatever choice you make, make it for your safety and welfare in every aspect of your life, and he will figure out how to pay for his next bottle. And one day, he might, one hopes, be done. But for now, he's not. I would find an apartment all my own, make it all my own, get help for recovery from codependency and trauma for at least a year, and make a good relationship with your Higher Power, to help you through the hard days. It is so tough to face reality. We try every bargaining tactic not to. But we just have to. Breathe deep, you are going to be all right. Life supports us when we decide to get well.

05-01-2012, 09:17 AM	#5 (permalink)
XXXXXXXXXX Member Tetris Champion! Join Date: Mar 2011 Posts: 269	I left a year ago and your story sounds very similar to mine. I held on to the fantasy that my leaving would be the shock he needed to turn things around. I would go out to dinner with him, and have that gut feeling that he had been drinking. I would find beer cans that he swore belonged to his brother. I didn't trust my gut, especially when he would manipulate and tell me that "now that he was doing so well, I didn't trust him." In the past months, I have paid very close attention to his actions, which don't match his words at all. I don't think my ex had a relapse, because I don't think he has been sober at all, and although $20,000 of rehab, losing yet another professional job, and watching the house get forclosed on he still believes that he can tell me that things are better and that he isn't drinking. Even when he sent drunk texts just days ago and others have told me that he is still drinking. I have my phone blocked from calls because anything he has to say is just talk. I am now living my life just for me. I pray for him that he will find his way, but I have to live apart from the drama and chaos that he brings. Over a year ago I told him that he had to make a choice: being an active alcoholic or having a home and family. Now he tells me he wants to make that choice.......sorry buddy. Those are just words. Please trust your instincts. They will rarely fail us.

05-01-2012, 10:40 AM	#6 (permalink)
NYCDoglvr Member Join Date: Nov 2010 Location: New York, NY Posts: 2,527	For active alcoholics booze is their higher power, God, the love of their life. Relationships are secondary. Typically they'll say they won't drink (and probably mean it) but few really get help (rehab, AA). "Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame of me" I should have that tattooed on my forehead! I thought I was loving and caring, giving my ex a second chance, hope springs eternal, bla bla bla. Turns out I suffer from as much denial as an alcoholic. That, and it's easier to stay in a situation -- even a bad one -- than confront my fears about life on my own and take action. But thank God I did it.

05-01-2012, 12:55 PM	#7 (permalink)
gbz Member Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: sf,ca Posts: 121 Blog Entries: 1	yes, at least now i feel as i can say I tried. i really did try with this one. I have an appointment with attorney #2 to get a second opinion relative to spousal support I will be filing for divorce. it s weird i dont feel as scared as before. thank you for re assurance that i am doing the right thing.

05-01-2012, 04:12 PM	#8 (permalink)
Alanonic Member Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: SERENITY Posts: 58	He probably doesnt want to look for a job because then he would have to get sober. Obviously this is not priority for him. You are his life line. Cut the line. I wouldnt be paying his rent. I'm not going to pay my mortgage to the house my husband lives in. I have no idea either on how he is going to pay it. "They" seem to find a way, to get their own way. Get your own place before your record gets tainted cuz he is not paying rent. I would quit checking up on him, too.

05-01-2012, 04:14 PM	#9 (permalink)
Alanonic Member Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: SERENITY Posts: 58	I have an appointment with attorney #2 to get a second opinion relative to spousal support I will be filing for divorce. it s weird i dont feel as scared as before. thank you for re assurance that i am doing the right thing. Talk to me about Spousal Support.....what exactly is that about?

05-01-2012, 11:22 PM	#11 (permalink)
gbz Member Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: sf,ca Posts: 121 Blog Entries: 1	spousal support. Yes I live in California so he is entitled to spousal support for half the life of our marriage. He can not take my business bc I am a health professional and he is not Also I opened my clinic before we married so he is not entitled to my business. Its pretty crappy to pay someone who did nada during our marriage. But its law. Now if I can have him non contest I may be able to offer him something to end this. Truth is I want a divorce to be legally freed regardless if his actions. I have been trying avoid this but its inevitable. I'm planning to Caribbean and think about key choices. I also need to unwind

05-01-2012, 11:27 PM	#12 (permalink)
gbz Member Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: sf,ca Posts: 121 Blog Entries: 1	chiublak yes. I agree. I also have my kitties there. This is another issue. He loves them dearly. Think about it he raised them and be is with them daily. So I may just let him keep them for now .I don't know its sad but our apt is pretty large they have their own room. Etc I don't want to strip him of everything . I just want to live.

05-02-2012, 07:59 AM	#13 (permalink)
EnglishGarden Member Join Date: Jan 2012 Location: new moon road Posts: 1,272	Your thinking is very fogged, I know, but please consider that the American Humane Association would not place a pet with a drunk, and it would be best for your cats if you don't either. Drunks are profoundly upsetting to all those around them, and this includes animals. I hope your getaway helps you find some peace and clarity. And some rest.

05-02-2012, 08:38 AM	#14 (permalink)
gbz Member Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: sf,ca Posts: 121 Blog Entries: 1	Yes i often dwelled on this topic but for now they are better with him. They have a large flat apartment. Cats have their own room and I supply all necessities food sand physicals treats etc. all do they is lounge and play. I visit them weekly they appear happy good appetites and quite socialized. They are fine himilayans. But thank you because they will come with me once I set up an apt of house. I don't know at this point. I feel ready to move on but rent in my area is like a mortgage payment !!!!jamiaca will cleAr my mind

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05-02-2012, 08:57 AM	#15 (permalink)
Mambo Queen Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Posts: 228	I have been following your posts because you remind me a lot of myself. My now ex-A had me supporting him for years after the divorce--not fully, and not all the time, but anytime he needed a handout I gave it to him, plus I kept this writing job up for him and didn't see a dime of the moneyexcept one payment of $200. He didn't work consistently for the entire length of our marriage. I have JUST NOW broken the cycle by going no contact and truly getting comfortable with the fact that he has to entirely sink or swim by his own devices, and if that means he starts again from a homeless shelter, that's what it means. My feelings of compassion and pity, guilt and anxiety blinded me to the true reality of what I was doing, which was enabling him to continue to live a horribly dysfunctional lifestyle with no consequences. I know it seems like such a sad life to us, but it really isn't to them or they would choose something different for themselves. I pray for you that your eyes are opened sooner than mine are, that you accept that this man is never going to give you anything close to what YOU need and deserve in a relationship, and that it is NOT YOUR PROBLEM what happens to him if you cut off all support. And get a good lawyer, because I bet you owe him less than you think you do. But I truly, truly, truly understand how difficult all of that is--as I've stated, I think I'm just now out of the woods and I left my exA in 2009. I just hope for you your road isn't as lengthy as mine was.