Is it possible to be obsessed with AA?

Old 04-14-2012, 01:51 PM
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Is it possible to be obsessed with AA?

I am new to this forum and I have been reading through various posts and threads, but I can't find anything that really relates what I'm going through right now. My husband of 7 years has recently found AA and he is also addicted to prescription drugs. He has been sober for 8 days now and started going to AA this week and already has a sponsor. His sponsor is an ex coworker.

When my husband told me that he was going to AA I was shocked. My brother is an alcoholic and drug addict and I was exposed to alateen at a very young age. I am familiar with the program of Ala-Anon, and have exercised a lot of what I have learned over the years. I was so thrilled and proud of my husband for trying to get sober and vowed to be supportive. Little did I know this past week has been the most agonizing week of my life.

His sponsor came over this week and we talked. He told me that I was angry and I am. For 7 years I have been his enabler and been treated less than I deserved and I'm still not sure how I stayed all of these years. I think I just got use to this dysfunctional relationship and came to believe this was normal all the while living in agony.

This week he has made a meeting every day and afterward he and his sponsor go to lunch and talk about the meeting and his step work. He has become totally enthralled in the program which is wonderful but he is not spending any time at home anymore. He is ignoring my calls. He goes to meetings with his sponsor and stays at his house until late. I'm hurt and angry and feel that he is totally shutting me out of his life. He is emotionally, mentally and physically checking out. He is also sleeping on the couch. A part of me feels he is doing this to hurt me because he is hurting to and I am his whipping boy. Another part of me wants to feel that he is trying to figure all of this out and soon things will be back to normal. I should add this is the first time he has checked out like this. He has checked out before, but he has always left and we have stayed separated anywhere from weeks to months. He was usually on a drunk when he left. I asked him yesterday if he could create a balance with his recovery and our marriage and try not to shut me out. He reply was yeah but I have a busy weekend. He is currently at some bike rally with his sponsor that belongs to a sober biker group and will be going to church with him tomorrow at his biker church. He won't return my texts or calls and I told him that I couldn't take the pain of him shutting me out and I was considering leaving. I also told his sponsor and he pretty much jumped my case. He told me that I couldn't expect change over night and I don't and that I needed to go to Ala-Anon and get a sponsor so that I can be supportive and that I was pushing him away. How am I pushing him away when I have agreed to go to Ala-Anon and get help myself. I went to my first meeting this afternoon and no one showed up. It was very disappointing because I have so many questions and confusion and I have no where to turn. I feel more alone now than I did when he was abusing drugs and alcohol. I feel completely rejected and I don't know how I can be supportive if he is not taking an active part in our marriage. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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Old 04-14-2012, 02:09 PM
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Welcome to the SR family!

I hope you will make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. You can vent, share, rage as often as it takes.

Is it possible that during the course of the progressive nature of addiction, that you became addicted to the drama of your loved one?

I know for myself, I spent my time, energy and thoughts trying to anticipate and control the fallout from my addicted loved ones actions. I became obsessed with his behavior or lack of behavior. I learned I was trying to control his behavior with my actions. I was co-dependent.

Have you read Melody Beatties book "Codependent No More"? It helped me, and still helps me everytime I read through it.

I am glad you are seeking your own recovery through Al-anon. I hope you will find a healthy home group to begin your own personal recovery.
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Old 04-14-2012, 02:22 PM
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I think so. My ex started going to meetings constantly, up to twice a day, every day. He shut me out too. You would think such dedication to sobriety would be wonderful, but the truth is he never got sober and still drinks to this day. He was obsessed with going to meetings, but he did not actually want to work the program. Looking back, I think it was probably another weird form of denial on his part, like "Look what a good person I am for going to all these meetings! I'm not an alcoholic anymore." But as I said, he never quit drinking and then quit going to AA and called it a "cult".
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Old 04-14-2012, 02:28 PM
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I just want him to make me a part of his life and he won't let me. It's killing me and he doesn't care.
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Old 04-14-2012, 02:48 PM
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How much do you understand of alcoholism and chemical dependency?

I found the more I understood about how every cell of the body becomes chemically addicted to the drug of choice, I understood how hard it was to simply walk away from the drug of choice. Alcohol is one of the few chemicals that can pass the blood/brain barrier. The brain becomes addicted to alcohol.

Right now your AH (alcoholic husband) is in the first few days of sobriety. He has to learn a whole new lifestyle. He needs to learn how to stop reaching for chemicals to avoid life. He needs to learn how to stop reacting to life and how to start responding to life as a sober/clean responsible adult.

His addiction to chemicals didn't happen overnight, and it won't be cured overnight.

The best person to help him right now is another person with more experience in recovery or a professional trained in addiction.

The best person to take care of you right now - is a trained professional or someone with more experience in recovering from an alcoholic relationship. That is what we can help you with. We understand. You are not alone.
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Old 04-14-2012, 02:51 PM
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If his only addiction was prescription drugs then technically he is not welcome in AA as they believe that it is a program for alcoholics. If his drug of choice was alcohol and he was a poly user who abused drugs as well then he qualifies. I'm wondering if he was honest with his new sponsor?

I wish my ex had remained "on fire" for AA as he would be sober today in my opinion but the "honeymoon" often wears off as has been pointed out by the previous poster. My XA did over 300 meetings in 14 weeks and I believe he did have a psychic change and the outlook was positive.

He was in residential treatment and my life was seperate and I was trying to move forward in my own recovery. I believed then and strongly believe now that this is the wisest course of action for loved ones of A's in early recovery.

Why do want to further entwine yourself into his world when it rightfully should be centered on finding his own recovery path? This is a life and death struggle (in my opinion) and quite frankly it is more likely statistically that he will fail and you and he might be back at square one.

Instead... consider spending your time and energy on finding your own center, your life, your own path... you may very well be on your own in the future. But if he is successful and does find REAL RECOVERY, real psychic change, becomes the man you hope he truly he is you can come back together when there is real evidence that this is getting down deep in his soul and is forever.

Our ... mine... obsession and deep need to "control" and be involved in the recovery is not helpful to either party. He must learn to kill the beast, the alcoholic voice, learn to deal with temptation all my himself.

If I were to be in your shoes... I would throw him the reins... give him that freedom to live or die... to get free or hang himself... if you are not in the mix you have no responsibility or blame if he fails.

Alanon...couples counseling individual and together with a a GOOD counselor who understands addiction... read lots of books on the subject... stickies help with all of this.

Keep coming back... keep seeking the knowledge and experience of others and let your HP guide your path.
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Old 04-14-2012, 02:52 PM
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double post...
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Old 04-14-2012, 02:55 PM
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sorry this was a response to a banned poster.

Beth
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Old 04-14-2012, 03:53 PM
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Well he is a binge drinker. IMO he is more addicted to pills than he is alcohol. Part of our bill money is missing because he claims to have lost it this week but on the day that he got paid he had contact with his connection. I also pointed that out to his sponsor. His sponsor did nothing. He just lost his job so that is his last check. I have told his sponsor how shut out I feel and he really has no compassion for my feelings. His responsibility is to my husband not me. He has suggested that I go to Ala-Anon and I did today but I said before no one showed up for the meeting. I have bought books on how to be supportive to him during his recovery. I have suggested that we go to the same places to go to meetings, I'll go to Ala-Anon and he goes to AA he doesn't like that. He is surrounding himself around his sponsor and only his sponsor. I went into one of the chat rooms earlier and one of the people suggested that I text him and ask him to plz tell me he loves me and of course he didn't respond. I have never left not even for a night in 7 years I'm at the point now that I'm considering getting a hotel room just to get away for the night and also to let him know that I am not his doormat.
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Old 04-14-2012, 04:24 PM
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What do YOU do, like job wise? I'm asking because it never ceases to amaze me how many people on here are so enmeshed in the lives of their alcoholic loved ones and manage to hold down a job or two and stay employed. I personally can't do that.
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Old 04-14-2012, 04:31 PM
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Originally Posted by choublak View Post
What do YOU do, like job wise? I'm asking because it never ceases to amaze me how many people on here are so enmeshed in the lives of their alcoholic loved ones and manage to hold down a job or two and stay employed. I personally can't do that.
I work as a Sales Assistant. He can't manage to keep a job for more than a month or two. Everyone is telling me that he is taking advantage of me and that he doesn't care, but I want him to care so badly and there is nothing I can do about it. It hurts so badly to love this man and not have him love me or care back.
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Old 04-14-2012, 04:47 PM
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It hurts so badly to love this man and not have him love me or care back.
(((((j2d)))))

He probably does not know at this juncture. I know that my first 6 months into recovery, I clung to my sponsor and MY meetings as they were the only place I felt SAFE an not likely to drink. I was also dealing with a brain full of mush and fog:

I had no clue as to who I was.

I had no idea if I even liked myself or not, let alone loved myself.

If I didn't love myself, how could I love anyone else.

I was starting to feel all sorts of 'emotions' that I had buried for years under alcohol and drugs.

I not only did not know what they felt like any more, I didn't know the names of what I was feeling, I would have to explain to my sponsor so she could put a name to what I was feeling.

If you would start going to meetings on your own, and/or get some one on one therapy, you would then be more focused on you, and figure out why you seem to be so 'needy.'

I M H O, the relationships that I have seen work, is when each person in the relationship works their own program to the max, and keeps their own side of the street clean. Then they come together with "new awareness" of themselves.

J M H O based on my many years in recovery, first from alcohol and drugs and then working on MY codependency issues.

Love and hugs,
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Old 04-14-2012, 04:54 PM
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Hi Just,
AlAnon is for you, not to support his recovery, but to support people affected by another person's drinking.
Put a tight hold on the finances now.
If he is going to recover without you, he can recover without any excessive financial burden.
No-one knows how this turns out.
He may get sober and be wonderful (later),
He may get sober and leave,
He may get sucked back in to addiction.
Whatever happens, you must take care of you.
Don't be a doormat.
And, don't be resentful. It serves no purpose.
Go to Al-Anon, get a counsellor. For you!!!
You are important and deserve to be happy. This should not depend on him.
Good for you coming here. Friends and family forum are a strong bunch.
ps, I am not sure why you are even conversing with his sponsor.
He should not be in your life at all. Very inappropriate for him to be telling you your business.
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Old 04-14-2012, 06:22 PM
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Originally Posted by just2dizzy View Post
I have suggested that we go to the same places to go to meetings, I'll go to Ala-Anon and he goes to AA he doesn't like that.
HE has his recovery and when you go to AL ANON you will have yours...they are two separate meetings but CAN work together...but i see how reserve your hubby is...if i am reading this correct, he does not want you to go AL ANON? is that correct?...if it is...do you understand why? its because AL ANON shows us how to stop enabling and getting a back bone to not be that DOOR MAT anymore...

you are on the right track...read Melody Beatties book(s) and i agree, dont make to much of a hasty decision right now...one step at a time, but i would start with the financial part of "separating" them...open your own...
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Old 04-14-2012, 06:45 PM
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No my husband absolutely wants me to go to Aka-Anon. He is just cutting me off from his life completely.
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Old 04-14-2012, 10:37 PM
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I also need to add that his sponsor said tonight that my husband can only work on one problem at a time and he needs to do it alone. Basically my husband is to set his marriage aside an focus completely on himself and if and when he is better he is supposed to come to me. I guess his sponsor is expecting me to stick around and wait. I guess this would also explain why he has been married and divorced 7 times. To me this is going to break the bond in our marriage. I am not strong enough to be neglected on a daily basis.
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Old 04-14-2012, 11:23 PM
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Why are you so involved with his sponsor and what they say to each other?
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Old 04-15-2012, 06:44 AM
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Well, I tried Al-Anon too and the woman leading the meeting struck me as so co-dependent, I had no respect for her and quit going. She had an alcoholic husband that she lived with and I guess practiced detachment with, and a drug addicted son that she let live at home, unemployed, doing drugs, because as she said, "At least I know he isn't out on the streets". I thought, holy moses, how do I learn to not be co-dependent when the leader is clearly co-dependent herself!

Not every AA or AlAnon program is necessarily helpful--each group is as varied as the people involved. If you feel it's not working for you, it's okay to use your judgement and seek alternatives to help you get through and be strong.

I've heard people in recovery need to focus on their recovery first, but my uncle (sober 20 years now) went to outpatient rehab five nights a week after work and AA and still did very well at work and devoted time to his very neglected wife, while recovering. Over 20 years later, they have a great marriage and are so very happy. He never relapsed, either, and has been a sponsor to many. So, I don't know. It seems there is no cut-and-dry answer. Some people use AA, some use other groups, some use a religious counselor, and some just see the light and quit drinking. And every person is different in terms of how they handle their careers, families, partners, etc. while in recovery.

If your husband is in a program that de-emphasizes his involvement in his marriage right now, well, that's what he's choosing. I don't necessarily feel that's helpful for everyone because many people's main source of support and sanity is their loved ones and to neglect the relationships can mean losing important support during recovery. Yet, AA may be offering unique support that you can't, since you are not an alcoholic and don't have lived experience with it. Maybe that's what he needs right now and you have no choice but to live with it, or to leave/detach.

I guess to wrap it up, your husband is choosing what he's choosing and you have to decide what kind of support YOU need and how to get it. If he can't be there for you right now, please do seek out the support of friends and family and spend time doing things that make you happy. I think a good AlAnon group could help you in those ways. For me, spending time with other family members of alcoholics in AlAnon made me stressed out--I did not want to spend my spare time thinking about alcoholism. I needed to just go out for lunch with happy friends, go to yoga, enjoy my craft hobbies. I also heard too many conflicting things about how to be in a relationship with an alcoholic--set boundaries and let him know if you are unhappy versus stay positive so you don't make him feel bad, etc. But as I said, it may have been that particular group was not a good fit for me.

I also found that labeling myself as codependent made me depressed. I wasn't codependent in other relationships, only the one with the alcoholic, and I felt that was a result of his emotional abuse and manipulation. Take the alcoholic out of my life and then I'm not exhibiting any codependent behaviors--that works for me.
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Old 04-15-2012, 06:45 AM
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OMGoodness, just read that he is on his 7th or 8th marriage. In addition to being an alcoholic, he may also have commitment issues!
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Old 04-15-2012, 06:46 AM
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Instead of saying "I am not strong enough to handle being neglected on a daily basis" say "I am so strong that I refuse to be neglected on a daily basis"?
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