Smokig Pot in a Marriage with a Recovering Alcoholic
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 237
Well as my grandparents used to say, "Hooo doggies!" This is a pickle, I agree, and one that for me, does not have an easy answer. I think there are people on these boards who really feel that for them, a duck is a duck is a duck, meaning, if you need/want any substance to alter your reality, or relax, or party with friends, then you have a problem too, because real caring, evolved, compassionate people don't need that to be relaxed or to have a good time or to groove out to music, so you shouldn't either. Not sure if I, personally, agree with that.
On the other hand, you have a wife who seems to be pretty rock solid in her own sobriety, and seems to be a "duck is a duck is a duck" person, which is probably one of the cornerstones of her sobriety, and you certainly don't want to mess with that, as a person who loves her and cares about her well-being.
And I also don't think it's as simple as..."Do you love pot or her more?" because in your mind your answer would probably be, I love my wife, and I want to be able to live my life the way I want to live it, and why do those things have to be mutually exclusive?
I guess if I was gonna give you any advice, it would be, maybe see if you can abide by the "old rules" regarding pot...Not that it's a never, just not a three times a month occurence, and try to do some reconnecting with your wife by taking a trip together, planning more date nights, whatever, and then, see how you feel again in six months time. Because I don't think either of you are so in the right or in the wrong that a big decision needs to be made now without at least exploring how it would feel/look if you gave her, essentially, what she was asking for.
On the other hand, you have a wife who seems to be pretty rock solid in her own sobriety, and seems to be a "duck is a duck is a duck" person, which is probably one of the cornerstones of her sobriety, and you certainly don't want to mess with that, as a person who loves her and cares about her well-being.
And I also don't think it's as simple as..."Do you love pot or her more?" because in your mind your answer would probably be, I love my wife, and I want to be able to live my life the way I want to live it, and why do those things have to be mutually exclusive?
I guess if I was gonna give you any advice, it would be, maybe see if you can abide by the "old rules" regarding pot...Not that it's a never, just not a three times a month occurence, and try to do some reconnecting with your wife by taking a trip together, planning more date nights, whatever, and then, see how you feel again in six months time. Because I don't think either of you are so in the right or in the wrong that a big decision needs to be made now without at least exploring how it would feel/look if you gave her, essentially, what she was asking for.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Mambo Queen said it so well.
It seems like the issue might be a little bigger and reconnecting would seem like a good idea. I assume your therapist is covering all that.
You also say your use went from 2-3 times a year, to 2-3 times a month, to a compromise of once a week. ??? If you really meant 2-3 times a week that is kind of a lot of time devoted to hanging out and relaxing away from your wife whether it involves getting stoned or not. I can see how she might feel like things are shifting in the relationship.
As someone that has dealt with someone elses substance use I hung a whole lot on the 'use' when really it is the stuff that sourrounds the use that is the real problem.
I'm not putting your use in the same class as addiction, just explaining my point of reference so to speak.
Also, you don't mention children, but I will share that when we started adding children to our family my views on what I found exceptable changed. It just did and that isn't something we can really predict. As they got older, they continued to change.
It seems like the issue might be a little bigger and reconnecting would seem like a good idea. I assume your therapist is covering all that.
You also say your use went from 2-3 times a year, to 2-3 times a month, to a compromise of once a week. ??? If you really meant 2-3 times a week that is kind of a lot of time devoted to hanging out and relaxing away from your wife whether it involves getting stoned or not. I can see how she might feel like things are shifting in the relationship.
As someone that has dealt with someone elses substance use I hung a whole lot on the 'use' when really it is the stuff that sourrounds the use that is the real problem.
I'm not putting your use in the same class as addiction, just explaining my point of reference so to speak.
Also, you don't mention children, but I will share that when we started adding children to our family my views on what I found exceptable changed. It just did and that isn't something we can really predict. As they got older, they continued to change.
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Fascinating. Well it's easy to see who the pot smokers are around here! LOL . Having been one myself years ago I'll try not to be judgmental or hypocritical, after all this is a recovery site and it strikes me as odd to see folks defending it's use, of all places here?!?
I remember when Mel was in her second 30 day rehab I was having a private conversation with a very wise counselor about my drinking. I expressed my frustration that it wasn't fair that I have to make sacrifices because of Mels addiction and she asked me flat out, how much do you love your wife? In the grand scheme of things it seemed kinda stupid to give up a person I love over causal use of any substance.
I've learned that in life nothing is more valuable than relationships between family, friends and loved ones. Because in the end that's all that counts.
Congrats to your wife on her long term sobriety! There was a time I would have traded places with you in a heart beat.
Originally Posted by Seenet 
I have found an outlet for my 'unwinding' that I can handle, and I really struggle with sacrificing all or most of it, because I want to have fun and enjoy life, too.
I've learned that in life nothing is more valuable than relationships between family, friends and loved ones. Because in the end that's all that counts.
Congrats to your wife on her long term sobriety! There was a time I would have traded places with you in a heart beat.
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Part 2
Got side tracked by work.. hate when that happens. Anyway..
I did choose to give up drinking all together out of respect for Mels struggle. After her third relapse I'd had enough, filed for divorce and she moved out. At that point I started drinking again, I'm no angel. But, if given a choice today between having a beer in the fridge or having Mel back alive and sober...
This was my experience when I was in your shoes.
Got side tracked by work.. hate when that happens. Anyway..
I did choose to give up drinking all together out of respect for Mels struggle. After her third relapse I'd had enough, filed for divorce and she moved out. At that point I started drinking again, I'm no angel. But, if given a choice today between having a beer in the fridge or having Mel back alive and sober...
This was my experience when I was in your shoes.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
We can and do all have our difference of opinion, that's not what i"m talking about.
This is what I"m talking about. It's such a trigger for me, he's told you he's not addicted, but you know better than he does. blame him for "destroying your marriage," and tell him so! So many recovering folks are very quick to lay blame on and label everyone else as addicted or codie or whatever. It's frustrating, like dealing with fundamentalist zealots.
There are also guidelines to posting found here and below
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html
Also please note: this man has not returned to respond. I wouldn't either.
You insist on using it even though it puts your marriage in jeopardy.
Not addicted?
Not addicted?
Sounds to me like you are addicted, or you wouldn't come here to ask a bunch of strangers to tell you it's OK to do drugs, even though it's destroying your relationship with your wife.
Sounds like pretty typical addict thinking.
Sounds like pretty typical addict thinking.
There are also guidelines to posting found here and below
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html
Also please note: this man has not returned to respond. I wouldn't either.
It’s time to post - again - the right way to be a participating member of SR.
DO's and DON'Ts
Do: Remember how you felt when you first got here. Don't tell other people what they should be doing. Instead, share what YOU did or didn't do and how that worked for you.
Do: Remember that you had to learn your own life lessons in your own time. Don't belittle or degrade or shame someone else. Many people here are already living in a toxic or abusive situation. They hear it enough at home. They don't need to hear it here as well
Do: Post your questions & thoughts. Don't go back and pull up the last 20 posts that another person wrote just to point out to her again what she's doing wrong.
Do: Share from your own experience, strength and hope. Don't take everything personally. If a comment or situation triggers you, think about it. Walk away if you have to. Report the post to the moderators if you must. If we are all sharing from our own experiences and NOT sniping at one another, there won't be so much conflict here.
Do: Share what has helped YOU in your own recovery. Don't presume to know what someone else is thinking or put words in someone else's mouth. Give each person a chance to express themselves freely. Many of us work out our thoughts and plans while we are speaking
Do: Be encouraging and supportive. Don't be mean or insulting ...Do I really have to explain this one?
Do: Be Patient. Don’t put your recovery timetable onto someone else. Each of us does this in our own time, at our own pace.
Do: Express your concern, if necessary, in a kind and gentle manner. Don't repeat yourself over and over again. It doesn't work. It isn't effective with your A's, and it's not effective here. Learn to say what you need to say and say it once, maybe twice. If you say it more than that you're trying to manipulate and control the outcome.
Do: Remember this is a big place with a lot of diverse personalities. As they say in the closing of most Al Anon meetings: Take what you liked and leave the rest. And, take a break, take a walk, take whatever time you need away if you’re tempted to blast or flame someone else for what they wrote. If you’re sharing from your own ESH and not sniping, there won’t be so many conflicts.
Do: Remember to be gentle with yourself and others
DO remember to laugh. It's OK to have a sense of humor. It's ok to laugh at some of the absurd things going on in your life. Laughing can take away some of the power the situation has over you, and certainly can relieve some of the pain. Don't let the unpleasant circumstances rob you of your joy, or of your ability to laugh.
Do remember that a large majority of people on this forum are currently in physical danger from their addicted / alcoholic partner, even though they don't share that on the forum. Do remember that these people need to feel safe and welcomed -first and foremost- and only after you have earned their trust for many months will they be receptive to suggestions and gentle direction. Don't assume that just because you benefited from tough love that others will also benefit.
We are going to be more proactive in making sure this is a safe and welcoming place for all. We mods will do our part. Thank you for doing your part.
Respectfully,
Cats
Forum Mod
DO's and DON'Ts
Do: Remember how you felt when you first got here. Don't tell other people what they should be doing. Instead, share what YOU did or didn't do and how that worked for you.
Do: Remember that you had to learn your own life lessons in your own time. Don't belittle or degrade or shame someone else. Many people here are already living in a toxic or abusive situation. They hear it enough at home. They don't need to hear it here as well
Do: Post your questions & thoughts. Don't go back and pull up the last 20 posts that another person wrote just to point out to her again what she's doing wrong.
Do: Share from your own experience, strength and hope. Don't take everything personally. If a comment or situation triggers you, think about it. Walk away if you have to. Report the post to the moderators if you must. If we are all sharing from our own experiences and NOT sniping at one another, there won't be so much conflict here.
Do: Share what has helped YOU in your own recovery. Don't presume to know what someone else is thinking or put words in someone else's mouth. Give each person a chance to express themselves freely. Many of us work out our thoughts and plans while we are speaking
Do: Be encouraging and supportive. Don't be mean or insulting ...Do I really have to explain this one?
Do: Be Patient. Don’t put your recovery timetable onto someone else. Each of us does this in our own time, at our own pace.
Do: Express your concern, if necessary, in a kind and gentle manner. Don't repeat yourself over and over again. It doesn't work. It isn't effective with your A's, and it's not effective here. Learn to say what you need to say and say it once, maybe twice. If you say it more than that you're trying to manipulate and control the outcome.
Do: Remember this is a big place with a lot of diverse personalities. As they say in the closing of most Al Anon meetings: Take what you liked and leave the rest. And, take a break, take a walk, take whatever time you need away if you’re tempted to blast or flame someone else for what they wrote. If you’re sharing from your own ESH and not sniping, there won’t be so many conflicts.
Do: Remember to be gentle with yourself and others
DO remember to laugh. It's OK to have a sense of humor. It's ok to laugh at some of the absurd things going on in your life. Laughing can take away some of the power the situation has over you, and certainly can relieve some of the pain. Don't let the unpleasant circumstances rob you of your joy, or of your ability to laugh.
Do remember that a large majority of people on this forum are currently in physical danger from their addicted / alcoholic partner, even though they don't share that on the forum. Do remember that these people need to feel safe and welcomed -first and foremost- and only after you have earned their trust for many months will they be receptive to suggestions and gentle direction. Don't assume that just because you benefited from tough love that others will also benefit.
We are going to be more proactive in making sure this is a safe and welcoming place for all. We mods will do our part. Thank you for doing your part.
Respectfully,
Cats
Forum Mod
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Join Date: May 2005
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Posts: 1,637
Originally Posted by LexieCat
I think there is no absolute right and wrong in this situation. It comes down to the relationship, and the feelings of the people involved. She has a right to tell him that what he is doing is unacceptable to her. He has the right to tell her that for her to control what he does when he isn't around her is unacceptable to him. What it comes down to is whether it is so important to both parties that no compromise is possible. If that is so--if he feels controlled and untrue to himself by refraining from smoking, and if she feels disrespected and threatened by his continuing to smoke as he does, then the only solution is to split up. If the prosepect of that causes either party to change his/her position without doing violence to their own principles, then that's what happens.
What would be awful and destructive would be for one party to give in, while seething with anger and resentment, or for this issue that has become so important to be the subject of lies, deception, and suspicion.
There are healthy and unhealthy ways of responding. That's more important than what the ultimate solution is.
What would be awful and destructive would be for one party to give in, while seething with anger and resentment, or for this issue that has become so important to be the subject of lies, deception, and suspicion.
There are healthy and unhealthy ways of responding. That's more important than what the ultimate solution is.
I think this post really bears repeating. This situation comes down to acknowledging and accepting each other - as-is. She's a recovering A - she's stated what's important for her to maintain recovering. You have made choices/sacrifices out of respect for her recovery - and are now at a point where you are being asked to sacrifice more - maybe more than you are willing to give? I don't know. Maybe she's willing to give in a little on her position? I don't know.
I do know that when I am honest with myself about the reality of the situation - I make better decisions. When I based my decisions on what could be (particularly what could be if someone else or ME has to change)... those decisions have just prolonged my misery and kept me stuck on the merry-go-round of denial.
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Posts: 64
Originally Posted by LexieCat
What would be awful and destructive would be for one party to give in, while seething with anger and resentment, or for this issue that has become so important to be the subject of lies, deception, and suspicion.
There are healthy and unhealthy ways of responding. That's more important than what the ultimate solution is.
I appreciate all the feedback from everyone, even if I disagree, but it's important to point out a few things:
1. I don't think this is a black/white situation.
2. Because my use was tolerated/compromised on for years, I don't think it's a simple as quit completely or get a divorce.
3. I do not have a "secret stash." She knows I have it, and was fine with it for a while. No secrets, though.
4. I am sincerely not an addict. I guess I can see why some folks might think that, but in reality, I was only smoking about once a week at most, and fine without. That doesn't mean I don't sincerely enjoy it from time to time, though.
5. A major reason I want to find a compromise that works for both of us is because I don't want resentment on my part or hers.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: chicago, IL
Posts: 64
Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr
You insist on using it even though it puts your marriage in jeopardy.
Not addicted?
Not addicted?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: chicago, IL
Posts: 64
Originally Posted by Freedom1990
It sounds to me like your wife is growing and changing in her recovery.
She's set a new boundary.
Perhaps you two are growing apart.
What do you think?
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Thread Starter
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Location: chicago, IL
Posts: 64
Originally Posted by MeredithD1
After reading all of the posts in this thread so far, I can see varying viewpoints with equal clarity. So my questions are:
What about doing cannabis is offensive to her?
Is it the drug, itself, or your reaction to it/what it does to you?
Or is it that she doesn't want to be around anyone who does substances?
Why is it that your going out with your buddies for beer, doesn't bother her, but your smoking cannabis, does?
Short version:
What is the root of her objection?
What about doing cannabis is offensive to her?
Is it the drug, itself, or your reaction to it/what it does to you?
Or is it that she doesn't want to be around anyone who does substances?
Why is it that your going out with your buddies for beer, doesn't bother her, but your smoking cannabis, does?
Short version:
What is the root of her objection?
She is never around me when I'm high. She says she is "repulsed" by the idea, but has not been around me enough while high to really know if she has reasonable objections to my behavior one way or the other.
She says every time I smoke, she "loves me less."
She uses an example of a glass of water. Ideally, the glass is full, the water representing her love for me. Anytime I am drunk or high (especially), some water is poured out of the glass. If there is enough of a gap in between instances, and/or, if other positive actions in our relationship occur, the cup refills. But if the frequency of intoxication increases, that means more and more water is being emptied.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
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Here's my boundary regarding this and I only tell it once: I will not allow or tolerate illegal activity or illegal substances in my home. If you engage in illegal activity in, or bring illegal substances into, my home, I will immediately, without notice, call the police.
You may want to consider that this woman, who sounds like she is actively working on her own recovery, WILL at some point set HER boundary and it may be something similar to mine. If I were you, I would make sure I anticipated that, for my own personal criminal record. IMO, she's trying to be nice to you and ASK. If you want to take it as a threat or a challenge, you might want to take a good long look at yourself and your own motivations.
Good for you for posting though. It's easier (and healthier) just to quit.
You may want to consider that this woman, who sounds like she is actively working on her own recovery, WILL at some point set HER boundary and it may be something similar to mine. If I were you, I would make sure I anticipated that, for my own personal criminal record. IMO, she's trying to be nice to you and ASK. If you want to take it as a threat or a challenge, you might want to take a good long look at yourself and your own motivations.
Good for you for posting though. It's easier (and healthier) just to quit.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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Posts: 64
Originally Posted by transformyself
Also please note: this man has not returned to respond. I wouldn't either.
For the record, I appreciate what transformyself is saying here, but I have some pretty thick skin, and welcome people's brutal honesty. I obviously have my own biases, and came here to read some new perspectives, whether they are close to mine or not.
More importantly, I came here to learn so I can help my wife, primarily. Getting what I want is secondary, I can assure you.
Having said that, I didn't come here for people to give me a license to smoke pot or to accuse me of not giving a s*** about her feelings. I obviously do. If I didn't, I would grab a bong and dissolve our relationship. It's not that simple.
But to reiterate, I am not offended by the comments, personally. I'll be interested in reading more.
Thanks to everyone thus far.
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Posts: 64
Originally Posted by Learn2Live
Here's my boundary regarding this and I only tell it once: I will not allow or tolerate illegal activity or illegal substances in my home. If you engage in illegal activity in, or bring illegal substances into, my home, I will immediately, without notice, call the police.
You may want to consider that this woman, who sounds like she is actively working on her own recovery, WILL at some point set HER boundary and it may be something similar to mine. If I were you, I would make sure I anticipated that, for my own personal criminal record. IMO, she's trying to be nice to you and ASK. If you want to take it as a threat or a challenge, you might want to take a good long look at yourself and your own motivations.
Good for you for posting though. It's easier (and healthier) just to quit.
You may want to consider that this woman, who sounds like she is actively working on her own recovery, WILL at some point set HER boundary and it may be something similar to mine. If I were you, I would make sure I anticipated that, for my own personal criminal record. IMO, she's trying to be nice to you and ASK. If you want to take it as a threat or a challenge, you might want to take a good long look at yourself and your own motivations.
Good for you for posting though. It's easier (and healthier) just to quit.
I am trying to determine how much I am willing to let go from my side and be OK with that. From my perspective, I have upheld my end of the deal, and her changing boundaries are encroaching on my level of comfort and happiness.
Of course, alcoholism isn't fair or unfair; it's a disease, and I get that. But in reality, had these new boundaries been the norm, we might not have pursued a marriage in the first place, just as my desire to smoke more might have had the same result.
It's a conundrum for me.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 60
Originally Posted by transformyself
This is what I"m talking about. It's such a trigger for me, he's told you he's not addicted, but you know better than he does. blame him for "destroying your marriage," and tell him so! So many recovering folks are very quick to lay blame on and label everyone else as addicted or codie or whatever. It's frustrating, like dealing with fundamentalist zealots.
If a person enters a forum about addiction and expects everyone to tell him is OK to do drugs, then I'd say he's come to the wrong place.
And no, I'm not quick to lay blame, and I don't label everyone as an addict, but someone that says he's not willing to stop smoking pot, even though it's putting a huge strain on the relationship, yes, I would say he's an addict.
That's my opinion, he asked for it.
If you are triggered so easily by opinions that differ from yours, maybe internet forums are not the best place for you...
Take what you want and leave the rest.
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Originally Posted by phineas
And no, I'm not quick to lay blame, and I don't label everyone as an addict, but someone that says he's not willing to stop smoking pot, even though it's putting a huge strain on the relationship, yes, I would say he's an addict.
That's my opinion, he asked for it.
.
That's my opinion, he asked for it.
.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: carolina girl
Posts: 578
That's really a tough spot.
On the one hand, you are an adult, and should be able to do as you please, regardless of what the "doing" is. I know that I have no right to tell other people what they can and can't do, because each and every one of us has to have to dignity and right to do what we please. We are adults, that's one of the only perks to being a grown up these days. I learned that during my recovery from the effects of alcoholism in my family and friends. I am powerless over people, places, and things. I do, however, have the right to choose whether or not i will have something in my life or not. If someone is doing something I don't approve of, I can choose to stay and tolerate it, or leave. Let's hope it doesn't come to that with your situation.
On another hand, if I am in a partnership with someone, and something they are doing is making me uncomfortable, for whatever reason, I need to weigh the importance of continuing to do it. This could be anything, mind you... whether i'm smoking pot, gaining weight by eating unhealthy food, playing raquetball 3 times a week and spending too much time at the gym, whatever... it is something that is interfering with my relationship at home, so it needs to be addressed.
On another hand, her motivation behind wanting you to change something is also important. She knew you smoked when you got married, and the only thing that has changed is the frequency. The threat to her recovery thing, I agree with Cyranoak, the success of her recovery should not be dictated by what others do around her. But perhaps she thinks that even though now it's only once a week, soon it will be once a day, then everyday, and you'll be stoned all the time. You have to admit, your use has progressed from very seldom to more than occasional, so it is an understandable cause for concern, especially to an addict. After all, that's probably how her problem progressed, and look where she ended up. Not saying you are an addict, just looking at it from an addict's perspective.
You may not feel that you have changed during the course of your 'pot evolution' over the past seven years, but perhaps things have changed in other dynamics of the relationship. If you won't use in front of her, that means the more you use, the more time you are away from her, hanging out in your garage while she's inside. If she doesn't like being around you when you are high, there's more time separated. Perhaps a marriage where she's inside on the couch while you're outside in the garage is what she sees coming, and is not what she wants. Again, everyone has different levels of tolerance, different ideas of what is acceptable and what isn't.
These are all things that need to be discussed with her directly, and in therapy i guess. True motivation needs to be uncovered when we ask others to do things, whether it is for us or for themselves. I'm glad i am not in your situation, I don't know what I would do.
On the one hand, you are an adult, and should be able to do as you please, regardless of what the "doing" is. I know that I have no right to tell other people what they can and can't do, because each and every one of us has to have to dignity and right to do what we please. We are adults, that's one of the only perks to being a grown up these days. I learned that during my recovery from the effects of alcoholism in my family and friends. I am powerless over people, places, and things. I do, however, have the right to choose whether or not i will have something in my life or not. If someone is doing something I don't approve of, I can choose to stay and tolerate it, or leave. Let's hope it doesn't come to that with your situation.
On another hand, if I am in a partnership with someone, and something they are doing is making me uncomfortable, for whatever reason, I need to weigh the importance of continuing to do it. This could be anything, mind you... whether i'm smoking pot, gaining weight by eating unhealthy food, playing raquetball 3 times a week and spending too much time at the gym, whatever... it is something that is interfering with my relationship at home, so it needs to be addressed.
On another hand, her motivation behind wanting you to change something is also important. She knew you smoked when you got married, and the only thing that has changed is the frequency. The threat to her recovery thing, I agree with Cyranoak, the success of her recovery should not be dictated by what others do around her. But perhaps she thinks that even though now it's only once a week, soon it will be once a day, then everyday, and you'll be stoned all the time. You have to admit, your use has progressed from very seldom to more than occasional, so it is an understandable cause for concern, especially to an addict. After all, that's probably how her problem progressed, and look where she ended up. Not saying you are an addict, just looking at it from an addict's perspective.
You may not feel that you have changed during the course of your 'pot evolution' over the past seven years, but perhaps things have changed in other dynamics of the relationship. If you won't use in front of her, that means the more you use, the more time you are away from her, hanging out in your garage while she's inside. If she doesn't like being around you when you are high, there's more time separated. Perhaps a marriage where she's inside on the couch while you're outside in the garage is what she sees coming, and is not what she wants. Again, everyone has different levels of tolerance, different ideas of what is acceptable and what isn't.
These are all things that need to be discussed with her directly, and in therapy i guess. True motivation needs to be uncovered when we ask others to do things, whether it is for us or for themselves. I'm glad i am not in your situation, I don't know what I would do.
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I'm riveted to this thread. It is a wonderful read about boundaries and managing a relationship. Any relationship. A real one with changing people.
Seenet I'm so glad you started the thread and thank you for coming back to it and clarifying things. I see the conundrum you are in more clearly. It is has given me a lot to think about with regards to my own boundaries or what I'm willing to do/give and how I may (or may not) be able to uphold them in any new relationships I may enter.
Seenet I'm so glad you started the thread and thank you for coming back to it and clarifying things. I see the conundrum you are in more clearly. It is has given me a lot to think about with regards to my own boundaries or what I'm willing to do/give and how I may (or may not) be able to uphold them in any new relationships I may enter.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I appreciate you sharing your thoughts. I think in our scenario, the major issue is that her boundaries are changing. In the past, our compromise was acceptable for both of us, and now it is not for 1 of the 2 parties in question.
I am trying to determine how much I am willing to let go from my side and be OK with that. From my perspective, I have upheld my end of the deal, and her changing boundaries are encroaching on my level of comfort and happiness.
Of course, alcoholism isn't fair or unfair; it's a disease, and I get that. But in reality, had these new boundaries been the norm, we might not have pursued a marriage in the first place, just as my desire to smoke more might have had the same result.
It's a conundrum for me.
I am trying to determine how much I am willing to let go from my side and be OK with that. From my perspective, I have upheld my end of the deal, and her changing boundaries are encroaching on my level of comfort and happiness.
Of course, alcoholism isn't fair or unfair; it's a disease, and I get that. But in reality, had these new boundaries been the norm, we might not have pursued a marriage in the first place, just as my desire to smoke more might have had the same result.
It's a conundrum for me.
Love is not a deal. When practicing, I thought love was a deal. Now clean & sober, I realize it is not. Try to think in terms that love is a feeling, not a trade. Feelings are not static, they ebb and flow, they change. There is no deal.
It sounds to ME (not telling you that I KNOW what she is thinking) but from my perspective it sounds like what she is telling you has nothing to do with drugs or alcohol and everything to do with attraction and your marriage relationship. I personally am just not attracted to people who do drugs and/or drink. Just. Not. Can't change that. She is married to you and is telling you she is becoming less and less attracted to you. IMO you are complicating the issue with talk about drugs and addiction and rights and all that. You are defensive. Ask yourself why.
When you are someone who smokes on a regular basis, it doesn't matter whether or not you smoke IN FRONT of your partner; believe it or not you are "different" ALL the time, not just when high. When you get clean and sober, and work a program, you start to be able to see this. I encourage you to also take a look at other forums on this board for more perspective.
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