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|06-22-2011, 01:45 PM||#1 (permalink)|
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Rock Island, IL
My Alcoholic Husband Filed for Divorce
I've lived with an AH for a number of years. I'm wondering if there might be anyone here who has experienced a similar situation: a divorce initiated by the person with the addiction.
This is the second time that my AH has filed for divorce. He has no legitimate grounds. If I were the one pursing ending the marriage it would be a different story of course; there are many legitimate grounds for dissolution that I could choose from.
My AH has some underlying issues which have yet to be officially diagnosed. He's experiencing depression (again) and his behavior is an unreliable indicator of his feelings. He's sugar one day and sour the next or sometimes both in the same day.
He says that he didn't want to do it. He says that if I had done what he wanted, there wouldn't be a divorce. He says that it has nothing to do with me. He says that he doesn't love me. He says that he cares about me. He says that he resents me. He'll put his arm around me and hug me and tearfully say he's sorry. He'll push me away at other times.
See what I mean? Is this the alcoholism at work or the depression?
Anyway, I really don't want to be divorced. I'd rather he got the help he needed and by doing so preserve our family. I don't feel he's hopeless or our marriage is hopeless. But in the case that it is hopeless, I am doing the best I can to be prepared for that by getting the support I need to survive it.
|06-22-2011, 02:01 PM||#2 (permalink)|
Just livin' the dream
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Somewhere Out There
The guy doesn't know what he wants and he sounds very unstable. Him filing for divorce sounds like a blessing.
"So oftentimes it happens that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key."
- The Eagles
"We call them dumb animals, and so they are, for they cannot tell us how they feel, but they do not suffer less because they have no words."
- Anna Sewell
|06-22-2011, 02:06 PM||#3 (permalink)|
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: God's Hands
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|06-22-2011, 02:35 PM||#5 (permalink)|
Join Date: Jan 2011
Sotrue-there really is no rationalizing with an A...they are mentally ill so does it matter why they contradict themselves constantly? Its just symptoms of the disease. Would you ask a person with the flu, why do you have the chills and the aches? The fact that he is filing for divorce is a good thing for YOU. Now you are free to find someone who has the capability to be a rational human being.
Also, he says you wouldn't be getting a divorce if you would have done what he wanted??? What about what you wanted? Since when did you want someone who revolves their life around alcohol. I'm sure that's not what you bargained for either.
|06-22-2011, 02:46 PM||#6 (permalink)|
Join Date: Apr 2010
Blog Entries: 8
Hi, Sotrue. My XAH didn't file for divorce, I did.
Like Programmatic's computer, this:
For your question about whether it's the alcohol or depression: Alcohol is a depressant. So even if he was depressed, while he's under the influence, there's no way to separate depression from alcohol. There really is no way to diagnose while the person is actively using.
That being said, that statement really is a typical example alcoholic/addict manipulative reasoning.
It sounds, rather clearly to me, that he blames you (for not doing what he wanted) for his action (filing for divorce a 2nd time). And that it's been a rather effective manipulation tool in his arsenal, since this is the 2nd time he's pulled it.
Hang in there.
I cannot change the past, but I can change my way of perceiving the past, and I do not have to perpetuate it as the reality of the present and the future.
- Sister Dang Nghiem
|06-22-2011, 03:04 PM||#7 (permalink)|
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
That one in itself made me go "Danger, Will Robinson!" and think of polite ways to say "RUN!!!!!"
My A told me that if I gave him oral sex every day he would stop drinking. And if I just wasn't so damn fat he wouldn't have to drink. And if I could just get a real job and help support the family he wouldn't be so stressed and wouldn't have to drink.
Any time someone tries to blame their behavior (whether it's drinking or filing for divorce) on how you didn't do what they wanted you to, it's time to head for the hills. That person is not in a relationship; that person sees you as furniture.
Sorry if that sounds harsh but that's sort of my hard-earned opinion...
"If you're going through hell, keep going!" (Winston Churchill)
"Unacceptable behavior is unacceptable." (LaTeeDa)
"Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same."
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|06-22-2011, 03:12 PM||#8 (permalink)|
Join Date: Jan 2011
"My A told me that if I gave him oral sex every day he would stop drinking. And if I just wasn't so damn fat he wouldn't have to drink. And if I could just get a real job and help support the family he wouldn't be so stressed and wouldn't have to drink."
Thanks Lillamy! What you just wrote was just a stroll down memory lane for me because I was told some of the exact same things! I can laugh at how rediculous it sounds now. LOL
|06-22-2011, 03:17 PM||#9 (permalink)|
Join Date: Jun 2011
Blog Entries: 1
A's remind me of politicians, constantly talking out both sides of their mouth and not making any sense. Seems to me you are giving him way to much power regarding your future. He filing for divorce for the second time. Is that another form of control on his part? Perhaps concentrate on your future and stop letting him control the situation. Get yourself a lawyer and look out for your best interests.
It truly is a beautiful world to explore, without all the craziness that an A brings to your life on a daily basis.
|06-22-2011, 03:32 PM||#10 (permalink)|
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Sounds like you have children, do you really believe that this is a healthy enviorment for children? Living in a home where alcohol rules is very toxic for children.
I cannot tell you what to do, however, if it were me, I'd get an attorney, iron out the details and move on with my life.
Your first responsibility is to your children, he is an adult, his recovery is his issue.
Are you attending Alanon? Have you read Codependent No More? I recommend doing both.
|06-22-2011, 03:37 PM||#11 (permalink)|
Join Date: Jul 2010
Hello and welcome to SR. I'm happy you found us but sad you had to.
You have some tough circumstances to work through.
dollydo brought up a good point and I'd modify it a bit.
Your first responsibility is you. Your child come second. If you're not healthy, they can't be. This is how I see it at least.
|06-22-2011, 03:40 PM||#12 (permalink)|
Join Date: Feb 2008
Support is what you will find here at SR, and in the rooms of Alanon, a program where we can heal from the effects of alcoholism in our lives.
The thing is, even if, and that is a big if, the alcoholic does get help and get sober, we're still left with the crappy residue that comes from living with active alcoholism. I hope you will give Alanon a chance.
I'd also recommend the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. She has a whole series of books on codependency and it's a good starter book.
There are a lot of good 'sticky' topics at the top of this forum where you can educate yourself further on the disease of alcoholism.
Again, welcome to SR, and I hope you continue to post.
DeVon & the Zoo Crew
An error doesn't become a mistake until you refuse to correct it.
--Orlando A. Battista
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|06-22-2011, 04:50 PM||#13 (permalink)|
Join Date: Sep 2005
Codependent No More is a fabulous book, you will think she has written it by reading your mind, seriously.
Poor is the man whos pleasures depend on the permission of another.
Denying reality doesn't make it go away, it only prolongs the suffering. - LTD
|06-22-2011, 11:28 PM||#14 (permalink)|
Join Date: Jun 2011
Sotrue, I am sorry you are hurting. PLease take care of yourself. If you haven't, consider attending Al-anon. It has been a great deal of help to me.
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|06-23-2011, 05:54 AM||#15 (permalink)|
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Glad you are here. He doesn't need your permission to get divorced, but to be honest, I don't see any point in standing in his way.
I had no "reason" to get divorced from my first husband--I simply didn't want to be married to him. It didn't feel right to me. Whether that was logical or "fair", it was how I felt. He, too, was quite hurt, but he got support from AA (he was sober when we got married and is still sober today) and from a therapist. Today, we remain good friends, and he is happily married to someone else.
There is no point in trying to hang on when the other person wants it to end, regardless of the reason. The sooner you get to a place of acceptance, the better off you will be as you start your new life. As we sometimes say around here, "Let go or be dragged."
Hugs, hope you will stick around, and perhaps check out Al-Anon.
~ one breath at a time
|08-02-2011, 12:06 PM||#16 (permalink)|
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Rock Island, IL
Thank you all so much for your thoughts! I've started to work the program...even though I'm still on step two I feel like I'm making progress. I have found additional support through on online group though I haven't been to an actual meeting yet- but I will go as soon as I can.
My situation remains the same...in just over a week, strangers will be deciding my fate in terms of my living situation and my finances. I'm not as prepared as I'd like to be. I'm taking it one day at a time :-)
I've heard it said that 'actions speak louder than words' but I must share that my AH's words and ACTIONS are both quite confusing. While he's filed for divorce, he still displays signs of affection and love towards me. I do think he's pursuing divorce partly to manipulate me, but mostly because since he got a DUI, he's having to look at himself more closely in the mirror; he sees himself as hopeless and unworthy of me...
I came across a letter that my AH had written some years ago:
Iím sure f____ this up, I love you and appreciate your support but it doesnít seem to do any good. I seem determined to end up the way I was before we met. Maybe you can hang in there till you get done with college then you can go find someone without all the problems someone who deserves you. You are the most wonderful woman I have ever met you donít have a mean bone in your body. Your family is great and you love me thatís the most wonderful thing. I guess Iím trying to say Iím sorry for hurting you because you are the last person I want to hurt.
Love Always _____
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|08-02-2011, 12:31 PM||#17 (permalink)|
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Western US
I do have a question for anyone who might have a thought on this: there are a lot of comments about crying and tears as a tool for codependents. I don't cry. Almost never. In fact, I cannot really recall the last time I cried. I am thinking that might even be worse.
|08-02-2011, 01:36 PM||#18 (permalink)|
It is what it is
Join Date: Jul 2007
What is that AA expression? "We dont' have relationships, we take hostages" or something like that. This original post reminded me of that saying, as soon as I heard the words "if you had only done ______________, I wouldn't have to do ____________. Control, manipulation, gives me the chills. Lived it. It wasn't fun.
I hope you find what you are looking for.
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|08-02-2011, 03:57 PM||#19 (permalink)|
Join Date: Mar 2009
My XAH also filed the papers to divorce me. I didn't work a real job, I kept a lousy house, I was a substandard mom (compared to his saintly late mother, who let his alcoholic dad beat him), yada, yada, yada.....
So you know what I did? I let him divorce me. Didn't really fight at all. I stood up for myself at hearings and got what I wanted financially and custody wise but I kept my cool. I recognized that for him, it was just another manipulation technique. It never EVER entered his mind that I could do just fine without him. I'm quite sure that he thought within 6 months of his leaving, I would be begging him to come back, assured that he was right about everything and that my life was a directionless void without his presence to guide me. I'm sure the idea of me becoming self-sufficient was about as likely in his mind as a dog performing Shakespeare.
Lo and behold, it is almost 5 years later and I am STILL HERE. Not making as much money as I would like [but who is ] and still kinda lacking in a social life, but very much enjoying finding out who I am, what I like and what I want without the the alcoholic blaring bulls**t in my ears. Progress not perfection, right?
You know what? If you are living with an active alcoholic, you might as well already be single. They already have a partner and it is King Alcohol. You are probably already doing more all by yourself than you give yourself credit for. And when I thought about it, I didn't want my son to grow up to be the kind of man who would belittle his future partner or a daughter growing up to fall for a punitive, punishing man. They deserve better. AND SO DO YOU.
Hang tight, honey. We are here for you!!
PS: That letter he once wrote you? It is the equivalent of your girlfriend saying, "OMG - I am SO fat. Look at me - I'm huge!" And you are supposed to say, "Oh no, you look great....". The next time he pulls that kind of stuff, don't say anything. Or just shrug and walk away. Don't let him engage you in that - it keeps you pulled in.
|08-02-2011, 05:32 PM||#20 (permalink)|
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: All over the place
When I was in the process of divorcing, I found a poem by my hubby about how lonely and alone he felt written in 2001 (before we met). I kept it by my side as a reason for why I needed to be nice to him etc. I think I thought it gave him an "excuse" to drink.
When I read it to my counselor she asked that I throw it away because it was weighing me down. It was hard but as soon as I did a weight was lifted off my shoulders.
It is not for me to comment on if people have a "choice" in their addictions or recovery, but letting go of that letter allowed me to choose my recovery and put the focus on me.
It took a number of years of therapy and work for me to be able to cry. I had to give myself permission for it to be okay. It is really an okay emotion for me today. Now it is cleansing and a release. You are not alone though, crying (or not) took up a lot of energy for me for a long time...and it was never a release before.
|alcoholism, divorce, mental illness, psychological abuse, support needed|
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