AMANDA911

My husband has really slowed down on going to his meetings. He is not working the program that I can see. That's his problem.

SO monday he became angry that I was going to my sponsers house and then to a meeting. The house was clean, supper was done and the kids were taken care of and he was leaving for work.

He started quacking Loudly about me going to "all these meetings" and me "waisting money" And how "your life is the only one that matters to you" and a whole bunch of other Quacks that were so insane and made no sence at all.

I quietly listened while I continued getting ready to leave. He then raises his voice and asks me if I had anything to say. I simply said in a kind sincere tone of voice "I was sorry he was angry."

He left. I left and did what I needed to do for me. He has not mentioned it since.

I am concerned next Monday he will protest much again. I am having a hard time finding the words to say a lot lately. Any ESH on how you have handeled such a situation effectively. What words may be good choices?

StarCat

I don't have any advice, unfortunately.
XABF also objected to me going to Al-Anon, although in my/his case he was an abusive, controlling alcoholic and I did not feel safe attending against his wishes.
He did tell me once, "Thank you so much for going to Al-Anon to learn how to help me, but I'm never going to drink again, so you don't need to go anymore." After that, I wasn't "permitted" to attend, and didn't start again until he was in rehab and my locks were changed.


I think that they're threatened when they see positive changes in us, and don't like the change because they don't want to lose the subservient codependent they're used to having.

Seren

Hi Amanda,

It actually sounds as though you handled it pretty well. Perhaps he will be angry next time, perhaps he won't....maybe try not to project too much into the "what if's".

If you like the meetings and they are helpful to you, then I hope you will continue to go.

HG

LexieCat

I think you handled it perfectly.

LifeRecovery

Amanda and Rayn-

I could not remember last week where I had read the statement "I am sorry that you feel that way."

I was able to use it though, and seeing this post reminded me of it. It was incredibly helpful for me. I was not lying to the person I was talking to, but I also was not making inflammatory statements with it. That is what I heard in both of your posts.

nodaybut2day

This. He may react again when you return to a meeting. He may not. You don't control that. Arm yourself with a good stock phrase if you feel you need it, and keep doing what's good for you!

returntonormal

I can completely relate to that "I don't know what to say" feeling. Prior to beginning my own recovery journey I always tried to respond, then felt guilty or angry. Over the past several months I've begun to remain silent, or to say "I am sorry you feel that way." He gets angry sometimes because I'm not engaging, but over time he's stopped saying so much crap, because, "you never say anything anyway." This makes me happy, because it means I don't have to listen to so much meanness.

It takes courage to do what you did! Congrats.

Cyranoak

He's angry because your meetings are ******* with your enabling. He's operating from fear and resentment, he's an *******, or both.

Also, he sounds fairly abusive. Consider that.

Take care,

Cyranoak

firedancer76

My alcoholic got mad as hell when he found out that I was going to al-anon meetings. He wasn't in recovery, and still isn't. Anyway, I hid it from him for months and then decided that I was going to tell him . He got really really angry with me, but I reminded him that I was attending those meetings for me and they had absolutely nothing to do with him....and that is the truth. The alcoholic is such a selfish person to think our world revolves around them. I have been away from him for a month and I'm still attending meetings...he can't figure out why since we're not together anymore, but that's his issue. I think you handled yourself just fine, but I wouldn't go out of my way to over explain that you're going to a meeting...a simple "I am going out" should suffice...if he presses tell him you have a meeting. He already knows what for. Lots of luck!

GettingBy

Hi Amanda!

I was given a similar opportunity this week. My AH doesn't like me going to Al-anon and he fired every "line" he could to try and get me to not go. His reasons included....

- "I'm not an alcoholic, so you don't qualify!!"
- "your dad stopped drinking when you were young, so you don't qualify."
- "you don't have a drinking problem, so you don't qualify."
- "we have marriage problems, so al-anon is not going to help. That's like going to a foot doctor for a back ache."

I wasted my breath and tried to explain why I did qualify (because I DID grow up in an alcoholic home - I didn't even bother trying to discuss HIS drinking!), why al-anon is for ME only, to fix my issues... Issues that he has no problem pointing out!! And then I asked him if I seemed calmer and happier over the past 2-3 months.... He said, "sure, but that's because I'm being NICE!!!". Oye - I wish!!!

And then he threw me the last gem of the night.... "you don't need al-non, you need a shrink!!!". Ah, thanks for that opinion Doc!!!

It's insanity... Trying to get an alcoholic to 1) understand al-anon 2) have them not be threatened by it and 3) have and logical discussion about it bc it isn't centered around them.

I think your response was perfect. Keep going to meetings and doing it because it works for you. That's it. It's about you, and they won't understand that unless and until they get some good solid recovery.

Take care,
Shannon

steve11694

Ex AW used to manage to call me when I was enroute or at an Alanon or other support group meeting. She consistently said I was lying about going to meetings.

Next I tried to take her with me but she got angry and would not talk to me.


All I can say is do yourself a favor "don't try to figure it out"

wister

This similar thing just came up for me for the first time on Thurs of this week. AH wasn't trying to stop me from attending a meeting, but did voice displeassure at all of the ones I have been attending recently.

First he started by saying how some pretty mean stuff trying to get me to react and when I didn't react to the usual he started with how "You're so wonderful going to all of your meetings." (insert snarky tone) and "You're tyring to make me feel like I'm not doing enough." (maybe that would be his Higher Power telling him he isn't).

Anyway all I am able to muster was a silent no reaction at all. I hope I will be able to learn from your ESH to be able to manage a sincer "I am sorry your upset." or something along those lines.