vvl71w

Thank you all so much for you advice.

Couple of days after the above incident she was the loving wife again. Promised to be different. I know thats impossible. I've got a lot of thinking to do.

Thank you all very much.

Crazed

Reading your post today, and your first post in this thread from 2 years ago, has anything changed?

vvl71w

Reading through my old posts I cant believe that I was ever so embarassingly nieve as to believe someone with an addictive personality could ever be fully cured.

LexieCat

So what's going on?

CarmenLove

Hi vv171w,

I don't think it's naive - we all want to believe the best, and when they have periods of recovery or sobriety, it's easy to believe that maybe, just maybe our hopes are founded.

What I have learned through my experiences with my XAH and through reading here, a lot, is that the reality of addiction is what it is - we like to believe our situation is unique, however it isn't.

Whatever has gone before the rose tinted glasses are now off and you have a choice.

It's not easy.

And for me I am so much healthier already now that I have had some space from my AH (separated 3 weeks now). Things are beginning to become much clearer.

Yes addicts can recover, but only if they want to and only when THEY are ready. It has NOTHING to do with me and my presence can't make it happen (may even delay it).

Even if and when they do recover, I will still not be put first, his recovery will.

The very best thing I can do for me is focus on my own recovery.

We all get to make our choices.

Sending you strength during this time.

Whatever you decide this is a great place to be and get / give support.

searching peace

I do not think you are naive. You want to believe the best in your AW. We all want to believe the best in out A's. And it is definitely difficult to understand their behavior because we wouldn't act or behave in the same manner. We can easily have a drink and not feel the need or pull to have another one. I like the Sauk go they use here, "you can't buy bread from a hardware store." And you cannot have logic from an alcoholic.

Duckygirl1

(((Hugs))) dear one, I am so sorry you are going through this, but you must protect yourself and family from this beast of alcohol. Has she done intensive in house?

Refiner

I've read through your past posts and can only say what a ride! Where do you find yourself on her Merrygoround today? Have you learned how to cope? Detach? Something other?

vvl71w

Thank you very much for all the supportive posts. I dont visit here often and actually feel very guilty that I only visit at my very lowest points.

As I've been asked, here's an update on the situation as it stands at present..

My AW has pretty much managed to survive not drinking during the working week for a long period now. Unfortunately it doesnt stop the weekend binge starting from the minute she finished work on a friday to sunday evening. The big problem is the number of holidays she receives.. 20+ weeks a year. So she also drinks for those too. I've tried to explain to her that the behaviour is not ok but she's convinced that, as she's no longer on the spirits and manages to stay sober for work, she has it under control.

I've called her bluff a few times by challanging her to stay sober for a week when she's not at work but she accuses me of being controlling.

Anyway.. the reason for my post above was simply that mid way through the current two week binge period I challenged her. She was appearing to drink more than her usual amounts, buying bulk wine and crates of beer with it rapidly dissappearing. The final straw was when I caught her lying about the amount she'd drank. She became abusive and did something she's not done for a long time, she left me. She spent the next 5 days drunk at our daughters house.

(here is the point I posted the above message.. sat alone in the house feeling sorry for myself and full of anger)

She came back two days ago.. she was quiet, resentful, deep in thought. I guess deep in thought about alcohol and my presence stopping her drinking it. Just one day of sobriety and she text me yesteday 'Cooked us a lovely meal. can you pick up a couple of bottles of red on your way home?'. I didnt.. so another evening of her deep in thought. I suspect mulling over the fact it's me rather than the alcohol causing her unhappiness.

I love my wife dearly when she abstains totally, she's warm, funny, caring and very beautiful. Unfortunately, not only do I resent the drunken wife, I also now resent her for the short periods she is sober, because she's quiet, withdrawn, and I can clearly see, deep in thought about the horrible man stopping her drinking.

but hey.. what can I do.. I'm in love with a woman I very rarely see but I know is still in there somewhere.

Meassi

I am so sorry for you. Let me ask you this: What kind of man does it make you to live with this woman?

Hugs and thoughts!
Meassi

vvl71w

I often wonder that.. I'd like to think a loyal or at least an optimistic man, but in reality probably just a weak one.

searching peace

You are not weak. You are like a lot of us on here and so desperately want to see the best in our A and want so much for the person we fell in love with to return. For me, I had to finally face the fact that my STBXAH wasn't working a program and wasn't accepting he has a problem. So I could no longer see the person I fell in love with, I had to open my eyes to the person standing before me. And that person wasn't anyone I wanted to waste precious life and time on. If he chooses to work a program and get help for his abuse than I will be supportive and go back. But unfortunately I didn't cause it, can't cure it and cannot control it! Maybe try to see her with fresh eyes for who she is showing you. And she isn't getting help or admitting there is a problem. I have heard they have to hit rock bottom before they will seek help. Maybe the thought of loosing you will be her rock bottom? Sending you hugs and hoping for you to find peace, joy and happiness for yourself regardless what your AW is doing or not doing.

vvl71w

Things change so fast on this rollercoaster..

Just got home from work to find my AW has moved out. She has moved in with her parents who she recently made friends with after 15 years of no contact. They have no idea of her condition.

I rang the daughter who she stayed with last week to clarify what the hell is happening.. Apparently my wife has not been taking her medication which was prescribed to help with her anxiety/panic attacks for over two weeks. Wife wants no contact with me and is 'tired of being watch and monitored like a child'.

searching peace

I am so sorry for your shock and pain. Even if she had been taking her medicine, the alcohol would have made the medicine not work. My STBXAH took antidepressants while drinking and when I inquired with the psychologist he said that the alcohol will nullify the effect of the medicine. I know you must just be sitting there shaking your head and holding your heart. I have been there. My STBXAH shocked and hurt me too many times to recount. The only thing that helped me is to focus on me and my recovery from codependency. Reading on this forum has helped and reaching out to people on here has helped. Have you read the book 'codependent no more' ? It has helped a lot of us on this forum. Again so sorry for your pain, disappointment and shock. Sending hugs for you to find your own peace, joy, happiness and sanity in your life!

Needabreak

After reading your story, her sudden move sounds like a blessing in disguise. So many of us go through hell separating ourselves from our addicted partners. She's done the work for you.

But in my experience, they usually come back, trying to manipulate their way back into our lives. Think carefully about whether you would ever want her to move back in, and why.

ladyscribbler

Wife wants no contact with me and is 'tired of being watch and monitored like a child'.

So she moved in with her mommy and daddy in order to be treated more like an adult. As one of my double winner Alanon peeps likes to say, "That MIGHT be alcoholic thinking."
Sorry you got blindsided, but that's pretty ridiculous.
Use this time to work on you, detach, build your strength. Maybe be prepared for some craziness from her family. I'm sure she made up some reason to move in with them, and it probably wasn't "I'm tired of not being able to drink whenever I want because my husband won't buy me booze." Just don't take it personally. People around her will eventually see the truth of the situation.

vvl71w

Thank you all for the advice. It really does help a great deal. Well she's should be back at work tomorrow, maybe a few day of sobriety will clear her thoughts a little.

Meassi

The reason I am asking is because "love is a feeling inside you, that arises when you really like yourself being with your significant other."

Do you really like the man you are when you're with her?

Best
Meassi

PHIZ007

Hi VVL

Welcome back to SR. and I am so sorry for the reasons you are here.

Please use this time without your AW to really take care of YOU. When we really start to focus on ourselves things do become more manageable.

Alcoholism sucks for us all! Keep reading, keep posting and please know we are all here supporting you.

Al Anon and SR keep me sane!

Take care Phiz

vvl71w

I see that most posters on here are women with AH.. but how do the men cope with the situations their AW get themselves into?

My wife has been in numerous incidents with men taking advantage of her drunkeness. I find that the very worst part to handle.