Pity Party - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

constant · 11-13-2003, 06:02 AM

OK gang.....I need to know how y'all have handling feeling sorry for yourself.

Let me explain what kind of self-pity I mean. I have made some decisions and for now I will stay living with my A. The good out weighs the bad, but.....although I am OK and I am improving on myself everyday, I realize that I am agreeing to settle for less for myself in order to keep the family together for my children. Don't get me wrong, I love their father...always have, but I don't get what I need from the relationship and probably never will. So how do I keep from feeling sorry for myself.....is it fair to short change myself for the well being of my children? I think so, at least today. Then there is always the other side of the coin....would I ever be happier? NO-ONE is perfect.

The problem is when I feel sorry for myself, I am not the best I can be. I wish for things that other have and focus on the bad....I start looking at the future......thinking when the kids are older why would I stay......PLEASE TELL ME HOW TO GET PAST THIS!!! WHERE TO READ AND WHAT TO STUDY!!!

Blessings,
Constant

JT · 11-13-2003, 06:24 AM

Good morning Constant,

Never forget you can change your mind tomorrow. There was a time when I was told that I can be married one "day at a time". That was years ago.

As to not getting what you want...appreciate what you DO get. I know that is not what you want to here but it is true that when you stop focusing on what you don't have you begin to appreciate what you do.

I have grieved the dream and now live solidly in what is real. I meet my own needs for the most part. When I expect nothing, everything I get is a gift.

I do know where you are...there was a day when I made a conscious decision to return emotionally to my marriage. I did tell Ward out loud...maybe that took some of the pressure off. I changed how I lived to make amends for past behaviors and I chanted "one day at a time"

Hugs,
JT

LivingWithHope · 11-13-2003, 10:04 AM

I think I choose to keep believing that one day I will have all the things I have dreamed of - w/ him or in spite of him. I pray that it is w/ him, but will be content if it is not. I, thankfully, have a beautiful 10 yo dd that helps me get through those days when I can't stand life and she usually puts me back into my place

.

When we make the choice to stay w/ our A we also have made the choose to accept what comes w/ it if we can't change it. Easy, no. Possible, yes.

As for the pity party - I tend to eat a lot of chocolate then. Just kidding. I think that is when I seek out friends or just get off by myself for awhile and reflect and see what I can do for myself.

Rose56 · 11-13-2003, 12:05 PM

Constant,
I don't know but when you find out how to get by this please let me know. This is exactly what I struggle with. I choose to stay for now but feel sorry for myself for being in a difficult or lousy situation. I'm not sure but I think I have to be patient with myself and need to grow up some. Maybe I need to let go of the "dream" and start dealing with what is. Maybe I need some more time to heal from not getting my needs met as a child and young adult. Maybe then I will be better able to deal with what is without feeling self pity. Because self pity doesn't do anything positive for me, it just drags me down. Anyway boy can I relate.

Daffodil · 11-13-2003, 04:01 PM

Constant;
You're not alone in having to fight off the pity partys.
One day at a time I awake up and make a choice. Somedays that's real easy, sometimes it isn't. When It isn't easy, I write out a gradititude list. I take a piece of note paper and write all the bad things on one half and all the good on the other. So far, the good far out weights the bad....so I am here just for today.....
When I really got honest with my self, I realized that I don't really want anyone else guessing or deciding what my needs are or are not. Today I sometimes ask for what I need but don't put my money on it...by asking I have a 50/50 chance of getting what I really want...but I'll only ask three times and if I don't get them met , I try to see what my options are and what they are not....Sometimes, I haven't considered that what I think I need the most is exactly what I don't need at all...
Working with newcomers and hearing other people's stories also helps me from going to a party I don't want to attend anymore...
I have come to realize how greatly I have been blessed One Day at a Time simply by working the Al-Anon program....I didn't get there all at once, it was a one day at a time journey, with lessons learned one at a time...and staying in the present moment
Happy thoughts coming your way...

If what I need can't be given to me for fun and free I don't want it at all....If I can't give it or do it for fun and for free I don't believe I should give it or do it at all...If that seems like a paradox; it is...

Cecilia · 11-13-2003, 07:32 PM

I think you can choose to be happy. Just the same as you can choose to be sad. If you spend all your time frettin youll miss the good stuff. If you cant change something just accept it and move around it.

Sometimes I do feel sorry for myself but then the Polyanna in me kicks in. Life is crappy sometimes but all in all its not too bad. Compared to a lot of people I have it down right easy.

**Pony** · 11-14-2003, 12:17 AM

Constant....wow, I share in this with you. I find myself in that stage many times....almost felt as if I had wrote this one myself. The replies here are really great and have given me something to think about and write about. Hope you do the same.

Hugs from someone who relates!

constant · 11-14-2003, 05:29 AM

Thanks everyone for your responses......I had done a lot of thinking, meditating and praying on this in recent days. "Pre-planning" outcomes is a short coming of mine and I realized that is what my mind is doing with my marriage. I need to practice living each day as it comes.....I don't know what the future holds and we never know when tomorrow might not come.

Glad y'all reminded me to live each day for what it is and enjoy every minute that I have.

JT-I will have to keep chanting to myself Married one day at a time!!!

It is comforting that I do have y'all....always listening.

I am living for today starting today!! No more sweating the future:sweat

Constant

12stepmarce · 11-14-2003, 02:34 PM

When I am not entirely comfortable with a choice I've made, it helps me a great deal to remember......just for today, that's my choice. There is absolutely nothing to prevent me from changing my mind.....tomorrow.

Everything used to be black or white with me. That's why I often felt trapped. I was, actually. I trapped myself! Opening the door to my cage helps a lot.

I combat self-pity by focusing on gratitude. I write a list down of 10 things that I am blessed to enjoy in life.

Another tool for getting out of self-pity is going to a meeting and really listening to others.

And....my favorite of all......set timer, sit down, have wonderful pity party, cry, moan, be all that you can be......and when the timer goes off.......get up and move on with my day.

I just like to wallow about from time to time. *hehe

constant · 11-15-2003, 06:30 AM

12stepmarce,

I have an egg timer that needs to be put to good use!!! Never thought of that, but sometimes if you just go ahead and let the feeling come in, cry.....then you FEEL better. WHY didn't I think of that!! THANK YOU!!!:bow

Hope that your weekend is great!! So far mine is off to a nice start..... I had a date w/hubby last night....mom has the 3 year old and hubby, the boys, and myself are going to a football game.

I'll save the idea for the next time the sorry for myself feeling begins!!

Constant

constant · 11-15-2003, 06:32 AM

That didn't sound right when I read it.....Mom only has the 3 year old.....the rest of us are going to the game!!!!

Constant

**Pony** · 11-15-2003, 07:23 AM

HHmmm, I like that timer idea!!! Maybe I'll give it a try.

samsam · 11-15-2003, 07:48 AM

As with all of you I relate and also feel it could have been me writing it. I live with my A and our little children. It all depends on the kids if they are unhappy or are seeing things they shouldnt, it is your responsability as an adult to get them away from it all. Then you can start to live your life.The pity party is very hard. That is me most days when I have no one around me. These messages can help you feel less alone but only we, ourselves can make a true difference. One day I am sure we will wake up and everything will be so clear, or at least this is my hope.

samsam

11-13-2003, 06:02 AM	#1 (permalink)
constant Member Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: georgia Posts: 531	Pity Party OK gang.....I need to know how y'all have handling feeling sorry for yourself. Let me explain what kind of self-pity I mean. I have made some decisions and for now I will stay living with my A. The good out weighs the bad, but.....although I am OK and I am improving on myself everyday, I realize that I am agreeing to settle for less for myself in order to keep the family together for my children. Don't get me wrong, I love their father...always have, but I don't get what I need from the relationship and probably never will. So how do I keep from feeling sorry for myself.....is it fair to short change myself for the well being of my children? I think so, at least today. Then there is always the other side of the coin....would I ever be happier? NO-ONE is perfect. The problem is when I feel sorry for myself, I am not the best I can be. I wish for things that other have and focus on the bad....I start looking at the future......thinking when the kids are older why would I stay......PLEASE TELL ME HOW TO GET PAST THIS!!! WHERE TO READ AND WHAT TO STUDY!!! Blessings, Constant

11-13-2003, 06:24 AM	#2 (permalink)
JT Supply Manager Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Cleaverville Posts: 2,913	Good morning Constant, Never forget you can change your mind tomorrow. There was a time when I was told that I can be married one "day at a time". That was years ago. As to not getting what you want...appreciate what you DO get. I know that is not what you want to here but it is true that when you stop focusing on what you don't have you begin to appreciate what you do. I have grieved the dream and now live solidly in what is real. I meet my own needs for the most part. When I expect nothing, everything I get is a gift. I do know where you are...there was a day when I made a conscious decision to return emotionally to my marriage. I did tell Ward out loud...maybe that took some of the pressure off. I changed how I lived to make amends for past behaviors and I chanted "one day at a time" Hugs, JT __________________ The state of your life is nothing more than a reflection of your state of mind~Wayne Dyer

11-13-2003, 10:04 AM	#3 (permalink)
LivingWithHope ....or at least hoping I am. Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Sunny Florida Posts: 25	Have been there often I think I choose to keep believing that one day I will have all the things I have dreamed of - w/ him or in spite of him. I pray that it is w/ him, but will be content if it is not. I, thankfully, have a beautiful 10 yo dd that helps me get through those days when I can't stand life and she usually puts me back into my place . When we make the choice to stay w/ our A we also have made the choose to accept what comes w/ it if we can't change it. Easy, no. Possible, yes. As for the pity party - I tend to eat a lot of chocolate then. Just kidding. I think that is when I seek out friends or just get off by myself for awhile and reflect and see what I can do for myself.

11-13-2003, 04:01 PM	#5 (permalink)
Daffodil Queen of one liners Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you. Posts: 658	Constant; You're not alone in having to fight off the pity partys. One day at a time I awake up and make a choice. Somedays that's real easy, sometimes it isn't. When It isn't easy, I write out a gradititude list. I take a piece of note paper and write all the bad things on one half and all the good on the other. So far, the good far out weights the bad....so I am here just for today..... When I really got honest with my self, I realized that I don't really want anyone else guessing or deciding what my needs are or are not. Today I sometimes ask for what I need but don't put my money on it...by asking I have a 50/50 chance of getting what I really want...but I'll only ask three times and if I don't get them met , I try to see what my options are and what they are not....Sometimes, I haven't considered that what I think I need the most is exactly what I don't need at all... Working with newcomers and hearing other people's stories also helps me from going to a party I don't want to attend anymore... I have come to realize how greatly I have been blessed One Day at a Time simply by working the Al-Anon program....I didn't get there all at once, it was a one day at a time journey, with lessons learned one at a time...and staying in the present moment Happy thoughts coming your way... If what I need can't be given to me for fun and free I don't want it at all....If I can't give it or do it for fun and for free I don't believe I should give it or do it at all...If that seems like a paradox; it is... __________________ One purpose of the Al-Anon program is to allow those we love to be themselves perfectly.

11-13-2003, 07:32 PM	#6 (permalink)
Cecilia Midwestrn RedHeaded Codie Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: In a hand basket. Posts: 412	I think you can choose to be happy. Just the same as you can choose to be sad. If you spend all your time frettin youll miss the good stuff. If you cant change something just accept it and move around it. Sometimes I do feel sorry for myself but then the Polyanna in me kicks in. Life is crappy sometimes but all in all its not too bad. Compared to a lot of people I have it down right easy. __________________ .............................. ============================== .............................. Where are we going and why am I in this handbasket? I am the Queen. Why? Because my pantyhose say so. Buckle up. It makes it harder for the aliens to snatch you from your car. If you drink like a fish. Drink what a fish drinks. If all is not lost, where is it. I only do what my Rice Crispies tell me to do. If I has two dead mice, Id give you one. Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and it annoys the pig. Everything is okay in the end. If its not, then its not the end. You cant have everything. Where would you put it. If you dont want cat hair on your clothes then stay off the furniture.

11-13-2003, 12:05 PM	#4 (permalink)
Rose56 Member Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Raleigh, NC (Jersey Girl transplant) Posts: 615	Constant, I don't know but when you find out how to get by this please let me know. This is exactly what I struggle with. I choose to stay for now but feel sorry for myself for being in a difficult or lousy situation. I'm not sure but I think I have to be patient with myself and need to grow up some. Maybe I need to let go of the "dream" and start dealing with what is. Maybe I need some more time to heal from not getting my needs met as a child and young adult. Maybe then I will be better able to deal with what is without feeling self pity. Because self pity doesn't do anything positive for me, it just drags me down. Anyway boy can I relate.

11-14-2003, 12:17 AM	#7 (permalink)
Pony Forum Leader Join Date: Sep 2001 Location: trail of discovery Posts: 2,327	Constant....wow, I share in this with you. I find myself in that stage many times....almost felt as if I had wrote this one myself. The replies here are really great and have given me something to think about and write about. Hope you do the same. Hugs from someone who relates! __________________ "Failure is an EVENT, it is not a person – yesterday really did end last night, and today is your brand new day..." .........unknown The sun always rises, and a new day begins.

11-14-2003, 05:29 AM	#8 (permalink)
constant Member Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: georgia Posts: 531	Thanks everyone for your responses......I had done a lot of thinking, meditating and praying on this in recent days. "Pre-planning" outcomes is a short coming of mine and I realized that is what my mind is doing with my marriage. I need to practice living each day as it comes.....I don't know what the future holds and we never know when tomorrow might not come. Glad y'all reminded me to live each day for what it is and enjoy every minute that I have. JT-I will have to keep chanting to myself Married one day at a time!!! It is comforting that I do have y'all....always listening. I am living for today starting today!! No more sweating the future:sweat Constant

11-14-2003, 02:34 PM	#9 (permalink)
12stepmarce Member Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Los Angeles, CA Posts: 91	When I am not entirely comfortable with a choice I've made, it helps me a great deal to remember......just for today, that's my choice. There is absolutely nothing to prevent me from changing my mind.....tomorrow. Everything used to be black or white with me. That's why I often felt trapped. I was, actually. I trapped myself! Opening the door to my cage helps a lot. I combat self-pity by focusing on gratitude. I write a list down of 10 things that I am blessed to enjoy in life. Another tool for getting out of self-pity is going to a meeting and really listening to others. And....my favorite of all......set timer, sit down, have wonderful pity party, cry, moan, be all that you can be......and when the timer goes off.......get up and move on with my day. I just like to wallow about from time to time. *hehe

11-15-2003, 06:30 AM	#10 (permalink)
constant Member Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: georgia Posts: 531	12stepmarce, I have an egg timer that needs to be put to good use!!! Never thought of that, but sometimes if you just go ahead and let the feeling come in, cry.....then you FEEL better. WHY didn't I think of that!! THANK YOU!!!:bow Hope that your weekend is great!! So far mine is off to a nice start..... I had a date w/hubby last night....mom has the 3 year old and hubby, the boys, and myself are going to a football game. I'll save the idea for the next time the sorry for myself feeling begins!! Constant

11-15-2003, 06:32 AM	#11 (permalink)
constant Member Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: georgia Posts: 531	That didn't sound right when I read it.....Mom only has the 3 year old.....the rest of us are going to the game!!!! Constant

11-15-2003, 07:23 AM	#12 (permalink)
Pony Forum Leader Join Date: Sep 2001 Location: trail of discovery Posts: 2,327	HHmmm, I like that timer idea!!! Maybe I'll give it a try. __________________ "Failure is an EVENT, it is not a person – yesterday really did end last night, and today is your brand new day..." .........unknown The sun always rises, and a new day begins.

11-15-2003, 07:48 AM	#13 (permalink)
samsam Paused Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: England Posts: 1	As with all of you I relate and also feel it could have been me writing it. I live with my A and our little children. It all depends on the kids if they are unhappy or are seeing things they shouldnt, it is your responsability as an adult to get them away from it all. Then you can start to live your life.The pity party is very hard. That is me most days when I have no one around me. These messages can help you feel less alone but only we, ourselves can make a true difference. One day I am sure we will wake up and everything will be so clear, or at least this is my hope. samsam

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