deeperVisions

My wife and I have been married for about 4.5 years. We have dated/lived together for 7.5 years preceding our marriage. A total of ~12 years. The first 8 years our drinking was well controlled. We did on occasion drink on a weeknight, but by and large the drinking was a weekend release for us. And even with the “weekend release” it wasn’t always an out of hand drinking sort of thing. About 4 years ago my wife’s drinking quickly transitioned from mostly weekend drinking to drinking once or twice during the week in addition to the wknd. Then 3 nights a week. Then to 4 to 5 weeknights. And now virtually every night (7 nights/week) for approximately the last 3 years. When it became daily drinking, I talked with her about it. She said it would get better, so I let it go naively thinking it would turn around. The drinking did not get better. Over the last 3 years I’ve had numerous (at least 7 or 8 ) talks with her about drinking. And that is met with what has become the usual – “it’ll get better, I promise.” My talks were serious, but not mean or belittling. I know I can’t make her want to quit. The last 2 talks I flat out told her that I won’t live with an alcoholic. I didn’t tell her I was leaving, only that I would not continue the rest of my life like this - hoping that would kick her thoughts into action. She always has the same reaction of what I now call “kicking the can down the road” with the “it’ll get better show.” And – I guess I should clarify when I say she drinks – she gets trashed, not just a little buzzed. She falls from being drunk 1 – 3x/month, broken tables, dents in the wall from crashing into furniture, wine spills everywhere, has a memory (when drinking) of approximately 20 – 30 seconds, blackouts, just stares into space. She routinely drinks about 58-60 oz. of a 64 oz. jug of wine/night. Almost a ½ gallon per night. If she runs out of wine – she gets into whatever is there (we don’t keep a ton of stuff but there is often tequila or vodka from mixed drinks I had from weeks ago).
I still love her and when she is not drinking, we get along great. But I’m 62. I’m in decent shape for 62. I figure I’ve still got quite a few more years of a good life in front of me. I just do NOT want to spend them being miserable. This is no way to live. This has nothing to do with an excuse to look for another woman. In fact – I’m pretty sure I’d be done with women and just enjoy life as a single.
So – here are my thoughts (although I would love some input from people as I know my answers aren’t always the right answers): I’m going to start attending Alanon meetings. I will no longer buy her wine or take her to buy her wine. If she wants wine – she’ll have to get it herself. Although I enjoy responsible drinking, I’m going to strongly consider quitting drinking so she can’t throw “well you drink too” in my face. Quitting drinking is something I’ve thought about for some time anyway. So that’s not really a huge sacrifice I’d be making. There will be no more beer or other alcohol left in the house (in fact it’s all gone now as I dumped it a couple of days ago). I’m going to have ONE MORE TALK with her. I’m going to let her know – THIS WILL BE THE LAST TALK.. Without yelling, bitching, threatening, badgering, or begging I’m going to tell her that eventually she has a choice coming up and coming up fairly soon: she can pick me or alcohol. I really don’t know when I’ll reach the point of calling for that choice to be made, but I do feel sure I can only take this for a few more months before I explode. There have already been a few times I’ve started to shake from anger over her drinking. I’m realistic and I wouldn’t expect her decision to be made and the next day and she’s cured instantly and the woman I fell in love with again. But if I were to see true heartfelt effort to stop the drinking that would be HUGE and worth staying with her for me. But if I don’t see any effort being put forth – I guess I’m going to have to go my own way for my mental health.

Would love to hear any input and I will listen with an open mind.

Thanks,
deeperVisions

LucyIntheGarden

Hello deeperVisions,

Alcoholics hear what we do, not what we say. All those heart to heart talks and deadlines and ultimatums will not change someone's compulsion to drink. The alcoholic simply doubles down and becomes more and more creative in finding ways to keep on drinking.

So your thoughts of leaving/divorcing your alcoholic wife are realistic. Maintaining the status quo isn't going to help you or her. It is important, though, that if you separate, it is because you are doing it for your health and sanity, not as a tactic to get her sober.

It is excellent that you will attend Al-Anon. That program is about you. Not the alcoholic. Go for yourself, for your recovery from the emotional and spiritual damage of a living with an alcoholic.

It is inevitable the rage builds, in the alcoholic marriage. People who have always been calm and even-tempered will find themselves full of rage toward the alcoholic and erupting in words and behaviors they never thought themselves capable of. So your attention to the anger building up inside you is critical. You do not want to risk an explosive reaction that has devastating consequences,. People who never in their life hit anyone will hit an alcoholic in a fit of rage. The human psyche can only take so much monumental stress before it cracks.

So: to repeat, alcoholics pay attention to actions, not words. While you are still clear-headed is when you should separate from your alcoholic wife. Not the morning after a volcanic eruption.

Work on your recovery. You will need a great deal of knowledge and tools for what is ahead. Because a separation or a divorce is not the end of a relationship. Without recovery, you will be too reactive and irrational when her crises pull you in. And there will be many crises.

I hope you get to a meeting this week. No need to talk at the meeting. You can sit and listen for weeks, even months. Recovery takes time and effort.

Behappy1

This sounds like a healthy way to deal with a bad situation. I hope when you lay it out again that it is backed by action. You have already invested years after your "talks". She may want to consider a rehab, or at least meetings. They do have online meetings. If she chooses to get sober, she will need support - should you choose to offer it. You can't fix her, you can only say what YOU will do and ultimately do it.

Bekindalways

Welcome Deeper and I'm so dang sorry that your are in this situation.

One more talk with her probably won't make a difference. There is the old chestnut "if nothing changes nothing changes.". Consequently she will probably continue to drink. It is possible that you two separating will be a wake up call but many alcoholics continue to drink no matter what. Alcohol is their first love.

I hope you can start making a plan for what you do next: Also let us know how you get on.

trailmix

Hi deepervisions, I am sorry you find yourself in this situation, it's very difficult.

You have already told her twice that you won't live with an alcoholic. So she knows. You, of course can have that talk again, but you are probably wasting your time.

The only thing I would suggest is that you put a timeline on it or be ready to move out when you do have that talk:

This is hugely open ended and doesn't really say anything except, that you're upset (understandably) but I really doubt it will mean anything to her, it's nothing you haven't already said except you are adding some vague cut off in the future.

I wouldn't wait, as someone else said, until you are at the point of incredible anger and frustration, that will hurt you and her. Why end what started as a good relationship (and still has components of that) in a dramatic fire ball?

There is no reason why you can't have a peaceful, content and happy life on your own if you choose, you're right about that.

mattmathews

Hi deeperVisions,

I can relate. I always said that my wife was a wonderful person when she wasn't drinking, unfortunately she was always drinking. My wife had, following some emotional trauma, gone from a moderate drinker to a heavy drinker (a quart of alcohol a night). I, too, felt like she had chosen alcohol over me. For several years I had just resigned myself to living with it. Eventually I got to the point where I was "pretty sure I’d be done with women and just enjoy life as a single." It took me 5 years to put the word "alcoholism" to her behavior. Partly shame, partly because I though alcoholics with the smelly winos bumming change in the park. It took another 5 years to get to the point where I was ready to do something about it. (I can be a very good procrastinator!)

During a 13 day binge drinking episode (not the first, but the longest), I got so angry that I almost smashed her alarm clock to bits. (I generally a pretty chill guy, and at that time my own anger terrified me.) I was ready to leave, but for some reason I reached out for help. A substance abuse counselor suggested that I take away her keys. Surprisingly, that evening I came home and found her relatively sober, (she ran out of alcohol!) I told her "I can't live like this anymore." A day later she was in rehab. What a relief! Just knowing that for the next 28 days she was someone else's problem.

Instead of leaving her, I somehow decided to stick around..."just until she got healthy." Oh yeah, I also quit my own drinking and enabling.

Thirteen years later, she's still sober and working her AA program. I decided that I'd attend Al-Anon meetings for a year, and at the end of that first year I looked at how far I'd come and decided to stick around for another year. (I'm still sticking around).

You've already tried talking to her. Having "ONE MORE TALK", is like talking to a foreigner and figuring that if you just talk LOUDER, they'll understand you. Getting rid of the alcohol in the house is a short term solution, but alcoholics are pretty ingenious. You feel like if she loved you she'd just chose you instead of the alcohol. That's not how it works. My wife really loved me, but she had to get a a really dark place before she found the courage to change--and she didn't do it for me, she did it for herself.

Go to Al-Anon, make a commitment to try at least 6 meetings (they're all different). If you listen, really listen, you'll hear other people with your story. In Al-Anon, we try not to give advice. Even though we understand what you're going thru, everyone's situation is different, and we can only tell you what worked for us. Sometimes we do suggest that people not make any big decisions for a year. I'll guarantee that after some period of time in Al-Anon...you'll have a much clearer idea of what you want to do next, and what steps to take to accomplish your goals. Know this: You don't have to do it alone.

Best wishes,