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Old 02-27-2011, 06:00 PM   #1 (permalink)
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I hope someone can shed some light for me. I have been dating an alcoholic with 19 years of sobriety for seven months now. He has been the most amazing man I've ever known and I've felt so secure in our relationship. A few weeks ago we had our first argument which took me by surprise. I had never seen him so upset for what seemed like an innocent mistake on my part. We got past this and he seemed very remorseful for his behavior. I have noticed that he has control issues and likes to be in charge. We are both strong willed.

Three weeks ago we had our second argument. This time he wasn't remorseful and felt like I had over reacted. He kept pushing me and pushing me on what I was going to do finacially and with my home and I finally pushed back and got upset. It was a tough two days but we seemed to resolve everything. He always hangs up on me or walks out when this happens and goes to bed angry leaving me devastated.

This weekend we had our third and possibly final argument over the smallest thing. I didn't hear my phone ring and didn't answer for ten minutes so he got mad and went home instead of coming over. I have to add that he is in severe pain right now with a nerve injury. He was in pain trying to ask me if it was ok to come over now and I truly did not hear the phone ringing becuase I was actually cooking for him at the time. When I answered, he was upset and said some harsh things (which he doesn't remember) and then hung up on me. He went home without coming over and I waited an hour and called to ask why he was so mad. This upset him more and he said hurtful things and hung up again three times. He did call later that night and said he was in pain and it was ok but his tone wasn't remorseful and I said it was ok but I was tired of being hung up on.

He yelled and said he was through and hung up again. The next morning I called him and again he started with the story of how wrong I had been and how I was always turning things around on him. I honestly didn't think I did, or don't see it that way. His story was so confused from what happened. I did get very angry after being hung up on since last night and trying to explain with him interupting me and I admit I yelled. I was wrong.

He hung up and sent me a breakup text. We continued throughout the day talking, texting, and meeting once. Big mistake. All I know is I was supposedly the girl of his dreams and perfect up until Friday. By Saturday I was dumped by a text and told we were through and I was too strong willed and always blamed him and he couldn't risk his sobriety with someone who wanted to argue. I don't want to argue. It seems that it is him that gets mad and hangs up and then says he wasn't mad and blames me. I am devastated. I truly thought we would die old together. He had promised me he would never leave.

I've never had a relationshp end this way. I never had someone hang up on me repeatedly when they are mad or breakup over something as trivial as not answering a phone quick enough. He has never acted this way until recently. He is stressed and in pain. Is this behavior of an alcoholic mind or just HIS behavior. I am at a loss. I have no clue what to do but just not contact him. I'm worried over his sobriety and his pain. I love this man with all my heart. Any insight would be appreciated. If I threaten his sobriety then I must stay away but I feel like I have lost my greatest heaven sent gift.
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Old 02-27-2011, 06:35 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Welcome to SR. You say he has been sober for 19 years, so, IF that is true, then it isn't an alcoholic mind causing his abuse; and it is abuse. If he is in pain, he should see a doctor and find a way to alleviate it. He has no right to brow beat you over such silly things.

To be honest, he sounds like a control freak. I was married to one, once, and it was absolute hell. No one deserves to be screamed and yelled at and hung up on. I know it's sad when a relationship ends, but after some time apart, you might realize that the heaven sent gift was the break-up. You deserve better.
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Old 02-27-2011, 06:43 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Suki is right. I definitely get the vibe that this is about abuse, not alcohol. PLEASE get a very quick education about how to recognize abusive behavior -- around these parts we highly recommend the book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft.
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Old 02-27-2011, 06:47 PM   #4 (permalink)
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I am so sorry. this is sad for you , I know. I was dating a man who seemed to be the perfect man, and he began to show his anger problems. we broke up and he begged and promised he would not do it again. I knew better and it only got worse. we were wrong for each other, but his temper was horrid, and I could not understand how a man or anyone, could call someone the most vile names ever, when they are just angry?

Sometimes we see red flags, so please take anger problems seriously. It might be a character defect that is just surfacing. it is his responsibility to figure it out. space and time out might be a good idea.

abuse has no excuse.

if a persons behavior does not make sense to you, trust your feelings.

hugs
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Old 02-27-2011, 07:03 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Welcome to alcoholism. This is what it is. I'll warn you now against trying to support or fix him. If you'd like more of the same for many years until it utterly and completely breaks you, continue dating him, or find yourself another alcoholic or addict who will do the same.

Take care, take what you want, and leave the rest.

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Old 02-27-2011, 07:05 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Thank you. I just feel so badly that I yelled at him and now unsure if I did act inappropriately to his pain the night before. I don't think I did, but its so hard. I don't want to blame him and not be reponsible for my actions. I will try to find that book and read it. I have noticed control issues recently but admit I am strong willed too. Don't see myself as a controller at all, if anything I am a codependent!
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Old 02-27-2011, 07:35 PM   #7 (permalink)
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You're 7 months in (?). The facade is slipping and now you are seeing who he really is: controlling; petulant; verbally aggressive; emotionally unstable; irrational.

Run... in the opposite direction... quickly.

Tx

ETA: You can wring the alcohol out of an abusive asshat.. but you still got an abusive asshat.
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Old 02-27-2011, 07:40 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HeavenSent View Post
Thank you. I just feel so badly that I yelled at him and now unsure if I did act inappropriately to his pain the night before. I don't think I did, but its so hard.
They are so good at making us doubt ourselves. I agree with tallulah. You only have 7 months invested here and that's about as long as most abusers can keep things under cover. The real him is coming out. The first argument was a shock to you, but it made it easier for him to do it a second time, and then a third. There will be many more times that he will act like that and probably worse. Again, you deserve better.
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Old 02-27-2011, 07:57 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Welcome!
He had promised me he would never leave
Can anyone ever really promise that and would we want them to - at any cost?

Is this behavior of an alcoholic mind or just HIS behavior

Some wise women on this board spoke up in my head when you asked this and they responded (or I think this is what they would say), "Does it matter? Really? Do you want to be treated like that for any reason?"

Good luck and stick around,
peace
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Old 02-27-2011, 08:20 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Suki is right. I definitely get the vibe that this is about abuse, not alcohol. PLEASE get a very quick education about how to recognize abusive behavior -- around these parts we highly recommend the book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft.
This.
I would also recommend these threads, especially the first one:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...sal-abuse.html (Pre-incident Indicators Associated with Spousal Abuse)
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...bal-abuse.html (Recognising verbal abuse)
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ening-you.html (Verbal Abuse-Is it happening to you?)

Abuse and alcohol are two separate issues. Drinking may exacerbate abuse, but even a sober abuser is still an abuser.

Your story is reminding me of my abusive XABF (ex alcoholic boyfriend), and I wish I had left when these arguments started, because they only got worse, and more violent.

Please take care of yourself, and educate yourself about abuse, so that you can recognize it for what it is, and step off the emotional roller coaster of confusion of "Maybe I'm the crazy one?"

You aren't crazy. And you're not alone.
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Old 02-27-2011, 09:12 PM   #11 (permalink)
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My ex-husband never had an addiction but he WAS a control freak. The first time he screamed at me was a shock. I never thought he would treat me that way - after all, he loved me, right? Looking back, I wish I would have paid attention to the red flags along the way. The last straw for me was when he grabbed my 10 year old son by his hair and jerked him off a chair. Sometimes I feel guilty for allowing my children to be exposed to someone like him. I felt stuck in that relationship for so long but I left and our lives got better each day we were away from him. However, I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. I stayed in the area because my kids had friends and school. Now I can't imagine living anywhere else and my kids have thrived. I realized that I allowed my ex to treat me that way. If you allow your boyfriend to treat you like that; he will continue to do so. You have to stand up for yourself. You deserve that. Good luck!
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Old 02-27-2011, 09:34 PM   #12 (permalink)
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What's this with what you are going to do with your house financially? I hope you aren't telling us that this man that you are still getting to know is involved in your finances. That is your house, your money, your family, and he has no say in it. Trust your gut on this and protect your assets!
He sounds horrible. Nobody deserves to be hung up on, for any reason really, unless they are screaming at you, but not normal conversations, ever!
I would run quick in the opposite direction. This guy has given you an out--a green light that it is over--that text message.
Ever heard the term blessing in disguise?
I think you received one!
Take your way out before he gets more abusive and controlling and it it becomes very difficult and scary to try to leave.
You deserve better.
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Old 02-27-2011, 09:45 PM   #13 (permalink)
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When we first get into a relationship, our brains get flooded with all kinds of wonderful neurochemicals- oxytocin, dopamine, adrenaline. It's like being high all the time, and it doesn't count because it's all natural. So, we float around in a fluffy pink cloud of stupid, and hopefully avoid operating heavy machinery, signing important documents, or making life-altering decisions.

Just breathe and wait for the buzz to wear off, then figure out what to do.
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Old 02-27-2011, 09:59 PM   #14 (permalink)
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7 months isn't that long to really know someone but the honeymoon phase is waning. If he acted like this for a couple of arguments, how do you think he will be if you spend a lifetime with that behavior? He is being emotionally abusive. One sign of it is you are blaming yourself already. No one behaves perfectly in an argument but irrational behavior is a sign of something worse on his part.

Listen to what the others are saying. This isn't about the alcohol at all. I've been in severe pain and I never treated anyone poorly.
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Old 02-27-2011, 10:20 PM   #15 (permalink)
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One word: 'RUN!

You are only in it for a few months...run while you can.
Picture the rest of your life in this kind of relationship...go while your not too attached.
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Old 02-28-2011, 06:47 AM   #16 (permalink)
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I wanted to say thank you for everyone who took time to respond. I was feeling guilty over yelling at him and doubting myself. I really expected a few responses that I should be more understanding when he is hurting, or that I shouldn't have kept calling him when he hung up since that was typical alcoholic behavior.

I have a track record of being in abusive relationships and really did not see that in this man AT ALL. It is hard to accept even now but after reading these posts I do see some red flags. It would be easier if he didn't insist I was the one who was never wrong. Perhaps that is the codependent side of me, wanting to see fault in myself.

I feel much more at peace this morning. Feeling like maybe this was a blessing and even finding this forum was god directing me. Thank you again. Blessings.
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Old 02-28-2011, 07:22 AM   #17 (permalink)
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I do believe that someone up there is watching out for you. Don't look back, things will only get worse with that man. You are blessed and so lucky to get out now.

Glad you found us.
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Old 02-28-2011, 10:50 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Can I just say, Talulah...

...that not only is this dead nuts on, but I love your sense of humor and how you use the language.

Thanks,

Cyranoak

P.s. Still laughing.

Quote:
Originally Posted by tallulah View Post
You're 7 months in (?). The facade is slipping and now you are seeing who he really is: controlling; petulant; verbally aggressive; emotionally unstable; irrational.

Run... in the opposite direction... quickly.

Tx

ETA: You can wring the alcohol out of an abusive asshat.. but you still got an abusive asshat.
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Old 02-28-2011, 01:20 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Aw shucks, Cyranoak
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Old 02-28-2011, 06:54 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Its been two days and I have not heard from him. A part of me thought I would and another part thinks he will never call. WHY is it taking everything I have not to call him. I want so badly to reachout and make sure he is ok. I am just so sad. Thanks for your replies. I have read them over and over and tell myself this is for the good. It just doesn't feel very good right now.
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