My alcoholic boyfriend broke up with me?
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: uk
Posts: 14
My alcoholic boyfriend broke up with me?
Hi guys, my alcoholic boyfriend of 2 years just broke up with me... I feel like i'm struggling to make sense of the emotions im feeling after the crazy rollercoaster ride that was our relationship. I found myself being blamed for his problems, especially towards the end. It really wore me down 
From chats with close family members and best friends of his, i now know that his problems with alcohol and extreme mood swings have gone on for 10 years or so. And it was always someone elses fault. His parents actually threw him out of the house a few years ago because of it! He has worked in the bar trade all his life which doesnt help. He has a history of irrational behaviour such as jumping off a yacht on a family holiday 6 years ago and disappearing in a foreign country for 2 days! And injuring himself by getting agressive and punching walls etc.
During our 1st year together there were a few episodes but i tried to work past them as he was a great guy otherwise. Looking back there were many red flags such as always getting completely wasted on nights out to the point where he couldnt speak/stand etc and picking fights with me because his mood would switch when drinking even when i was nothing but nice to him. He's 27 and never had a proper gf before me, i think i now see why...
We moved in together after a year. He now couldnt hide his behaviour as much, so the frequency of the moods/drinking increased and so did our arguments. Pretty much every major occasion over the last year was ruined. For example he got so wasted on my birthday they tried to chuck him out the nightclub, he then disappeared for half an hour. Apparantly i was bein horrible and smothering him by worrying where he'd gone when he turned up. He then ran off home and canceled the hotel he booked for my birthday cos of MY supposed bad behaviour! I was just trying to be a good gf!
He now runs a small hotel and turns to drink even more when he's stressed. If he'd had a bad day he would try and pick fights with me so he could storm out to the pub and come back wasted. I used to end up really paranoid/insecure about what he'd been up to if he couldnt speak, stand or remember where he'd been. But he thought i was just being crazy. I used to nag him about the drinking alot but i think i also enabled it too by covering up his behaviour to others when we went away on holiday and away from stressful work his behaviour was fine.
I broke my foot badly which put a strain on our relationship as ive been housebound. The moods/drinking/storming out to the pub continued. He didnt really help me with my injury and i would have to beg him to keep me company rather than meeting his drinking buddies after being stuck home alone. He got so wasted 1 night he fell on top of my already broken foot! ! Things came to a head 3 weeks ago when he stormed out and got so wasted he broke his own ankle! He then said we should break up as he's unhappy and doesnt know if he feels the same about me anymore! And he then proceeded to blame me for his drinking and mood swings! I know i nagged him about them but its gone on for years before me and i only nagged out of worry for him
I know that if he'd got help we would of been ok. We've been in contact since the break up, its all been quite friendly. He's said he misses me and wants to be my best friend. When texting me he'll find excuses to keep talking to me. We've discussed meeting up to clear the air but we're both unsure. He has mentioned he's going to see a therapist soon. Im so confused about all this. I miss the nice sober guy but feel relieved i dont have to deal with the drunken monster anymore. Can anyone offer any insight please?
From chats with close family members and best friends of his, i now know that his problems with alcohol and extreme mood swings have gone on for 10 years or so. And it was always someone elses fault. His parents actually threw him out of the house a few years ago because of it! He has worked in the bar trade all his life which doesnt help. He has a history of irrational behaviour such as jumping off a yacht on a family holiday 6 years ago and disappearing in a foreign country for 2 days! And injuring himself by getting agressive and punching walls etc.
During our 1st year together there were a few episodes but i tried to work past them as he was a great guy otherwise. Looking back there were many red flags such as always getting completely wasted on nights out to the point where he couldnt speak/stand etc and picking fights with me because his mood would switch when drinking even when i was nothing but nice to him. He's 27 and never had a proper gf before me, i think i now see why...
We moved in together after a year. He now couldnt hide his behaviour as much, so the frequency of the moods/drinking increased and so did our arguments. Pretty much every major occasion over the last year was ruined. For example he got so wasted on my birthday they tried to chuck him out the nightclub, he then disappeared for half an hour. Apparantly i was bein horrible and smothering him by worrying where he'd gone when he turned up. He then ran off home and canceled the hotel he booked for my birthday cos of MY supposed bad behaviour! I was just trying to be a good gf!
He now runs a small hotel and turns to drink even more when he's stressed. If he'd had a bad day he would try and pick fights with me so he could storm out to the pub and come back wasted. I used to end up really paranoid/insecure about what he'd been up to if he couldnt speak, stand or remember where he'd been. But he thought i was just being crazy. I used to nag him about the drinking alot but i think i also enabled it too by covering up his behaviour to others
when we went away on holiday and away from stressful work his behaviour was fine. I broke my foot badly which put a strain on our relationship as ive been housebound. The moods/drinking/storming out to the pub continued. He didnt really help me with my injury and i would have to beg him to keep me company rather than meeting his drinking buddies after being stuck home alone. He got so wasted 1 night he fell on top of my already broken foot! ! Things came to a head 3 weeks ago when he stormed out and got so wasted he broke his own ankle! He then said we should break up as he's unhappy and doesnt know if he feels the same about me anymore! And he then proceeded to blame me for his drinking and mood swings! I know i nagged him about them but its gone on for years before me and i only nagged out of worry for him
I know that if he'd got help we would of been ok. We've been in contact since the break up, its all been quite friendly. He's said he misses me and wants to be my best friend. When texting me he'll find excuses to keep talking to me. We've discussed meeting up to clear the air but we're both unsure. He has mentioned he's going to see a therapist soon. Im so confused about all this. I miss the nice sober guy but feel relieved i dont have to deal with the drunken monster anymore. Can anyone offer any insight please?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 207
Hello twinkle, this sounds exactly like my XABF, to the nail. I'm so sorry he acted like a jerk and abandoned you when you were in pain and needed help the most, I know that situation well.
I would keep a lot of distance between you two now and wait to meet with him until he has at least a few sessions with a therapist down.
Men like this will say anything to get you back, and then the trouble and chaos starts all over again. It is a vicious cycle. Just focus on you, you, you right now.
I hope this helps. And above all, thank you for coming here!
I would keep a lot of distance between you two now and wait to meet with him until he has at least a few sessions with a therapist down.
Men like this will say anything to get you back, and then the trouble and chaos starts all over again. It is a vicious cycle. Just focus on you, you, you right now.
I hope this helps. And above all, thank you for coming here!
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
Push you, pull you. Ahh, it takes me back.
The thing I found hardest to accept once someone shone a light on my relationship with my ex was that to stay in such a dysfunctional situation, I HAD to be getting something out of it. So.. what are you getting out of this? What keeps you coming back for more?
Remember, you can't control his behaviour, but you can control yourself, your behaviour, your choices.
So.. hop off the merry-go-round.
The best way to deal with this is stop what you are doing and do something completely different. Take a step back, a deep breath, let him go see his therapist and set off his road to change and meanwhile you start your stroll down yours.
It's Einstein's definition of insanity and 'nothing changes if nothing changes' writ large.
The thing I found hardest to accept once someone shone a light on my relationship with my ex was that to stay in such a dysfunctional situation, I HAD to be getting something out of it. So.. what are you getting out of this? What keeps you coming back for more?
Remember, you can't control his behaviour, but you can control yourself, your behaviour, your choices.
So.. hop off the merry-go-round.
The best way to deal with this is stop what you are doing and do something completely different. Take a step back, a deep breath, let him go see his therapist and set off his road to change and meanwhile you start your stroll down yours.
It's Einstein's definition of insanity and 'nothing changes if nothing changes' writ large.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: uk
Posts: 14
thanks for the lovely replies guys, its so nice to talk to people that really understand.
I had a think about what i got from the relationship. I met him at a point in my life where id pretty much had a mini breakdown. I had a very difficult time growing up due to an alcoholic/abusive father who i know dont speak to. My family are constantly at eachothers throats and i end up bein peacekeeper in the middle. Ive had alot to deal with in my 24 years and ended up reaching breaking point during my final year at university, i still managed to get my chemical engineering degree though which im proud of.
I was diagnosed with depression around this time but had a bad experience with the councilor so i discontinued treatment. I then met my bf shortly after who when sober is very charming and easy going. I guess i kinda clung on to him to make myself feel better and less worthless. I think i knew deep down the relationship was doomed from the start when i first saw what he was like with booze and mood swings, i just chose to block it out for the sake of having someone that said they loved me? And someone i could love too. In actual fact i think being in this toxic relationship made me feel more depressed... It became addictive because the when he was being sober and nice he did make me feel good about myself? But then i think he played alot of mind games with me too. Ah i dunno, its all a big mess lol xx
was
I had a think about what i got from the relationship. I met him at a point in my life where id pretty much had a mini breakdown. I had a very difficult time growing up due to an alcoholic/abusive father who i know dont speak to. My family are constantly at eachothers throats and i end up bein peacekeeper in the middle. Ive had alot to deal with in my 24 years and ended up reaching breaking point during my final year at university, i still managed to get my chemical engineering degree though which im proud of.
I was diagnosed with depression around this time but had a bad experience with the councilor so i discontinued treatment. I then met my bf shortly after who when sober is very charming and easy going. I guess i kinda clung on to him to make myself feel better and less worthless. I think i knew deep down the relationship was doomed from the start when i first saw what he was like with booze and mood swings, i just chose to block it out for the sake of having someone that said they loved me? And someone i could love too. In actual fact i think being in this toxic relationship made me feel more depressed... It became addictive because the when he was being sober and nice he did make me feel good about myself? But then i think he played alot of mind games with me too. Ah i dunno, its all a big mess lol xx
was
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
twinkle, thank you for sharing. Your story reminds me a great bit of me and the relationship I found myself in during my late twenties. That was when I discovered AlAnon. I got into Recovery as a direct result of being in a serious, live-in relationship with an alcoholic addict who "cheated" on me. I was so devastated my world fell completely apart. At the time I felt it was the worst thing that could happen to me. But soon after I realized it was the best thing to ever happened to me. Because by the grace of God I found my way into AlAnon and began to learn who I really was. I learned that there is a phrase to describe me: I am an adult child of an alcoholic (ACOA). And with that designation comes a whole lot of characteristics I share in common with so many other ACOAs. We are a special kind of people with our own gifts and our own challenges.I am glad you have come here to SR and have posted your story.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Hello Twinkle and welcome to SR!
SOrry for the reason
but I'm glad you've decided to join us.
I think your story reads like
the Universe is telling you
that it's time to get on with our career
and perhaps it's inviting you
to begin the examination of your life's relationships
and that it's time to learn about yourselfon a level
that maybe you haven't examined before.
ANd that ... is exciting - I'm excited for you!
I'm also sad that things have to be so unhappy
before they finally begin to truly heal.
You're not alone.
We're here.
Welcome!
SOrry for the reason
but I'm glad you've decided to join us.
I think your story reads like
the Universe is telling you
that it's time to get on with our career
and perhaps it's inviting you
to begin the examination of your life's relationships
and that it's time to learn about yourselfon a level
that maybe you haven't examined before.
ANd that ... is exciting - I'm excited for you!
I'm also sad that things have to be so unhappy
before they finally begin to truly heal.
You're not alone.
We're here.
Welcome!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 207
Here's something I would like to share from my experiences being with an abusive, alcoholic man...
When you say no more and cut yourself loose from his grip, and you feel like you can finally breathe again, and suddenly life starts to come through for you, and you don't get sick or hurt anymore (I was always coming down with colds, insomnia, having minor accidents and bad things happen in general *often* when my AXBF and I were 'on') and when you just feel darn wonderful without him around (or just the thought of not having him around)...that's your cue that your better off.
I dumped mine today for I'm hoping the final time, and I feel fantastic.
Please come here as often as you need. There will be lonely times, there will be "I really want to call him" times, there will be "well I guess it wasn't *that* bad with him" times...and that's what this place is for! I hope to see you around more, twinkle.
When you say no more and cut yourself loose from his grip, and you feel like you can finally breathe again, and suddenly life starts to come through for you, and you don't get sick or hurt anymore (I was always coming down with colds, insomnia, having minor accidents and bad things happen in general *often* when my AXBF and I were 'on') and when you just feel darn wonderful without him around (or just the thought of not having him around)...that's your cue that your better off.
I dumped mine today for I'm hoping the final time, and I feel fantastic.
Please come here as often as you need. There will be lonely times, there will be "I really want to call him" times, there will be "well I guess it wasn't *that* bad with him" times...and that's what this place is for! I hope to see you around more, twinkle.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: uk
Posts: 14
thanks again for the kind words guys! Im finding it so hard cos although he treated me like crap alot, im still missing the nice person he could be, we did have such a laugh together sometimes.
However i am frustrated about the blame game he used to play. He made out to his drinking buddies that i'm some crazy controlling gf when i used to nag about his drinking. The only time he used to make plans with friends was to go and get absolutely wasted! Cant believe the state he used to come home in! It was scary! I only nagged out of worry.
I still feel he hasnt admitted fully he has a problem and still blames others. Im doubting whether he will actually see a therapist.
His family and i believe he needs to leave the bar trade alltogether but he says its all he knows and feels he cant do better. He works for a manipulative boss who he cant see past, whatever this boss says is gospel etc. But the rest of us feel his boss cant be trusted and may just be using my ex!
He says he misses me but hasnt talked about getting back together. We were going to meet up this weekend but i had to cancel. He said he wanted to keep our meeting secret, especially from his drinking buddies which seems weird? ! He said its because he doesnt want people interfering... Odd seeing he was happy to tell them private stuff about us without telling me before!
My head feels such a mess
However i am frustrated about the blame game he used to play. He made out to his drinking buddies that i'm some crazy controlling gf when i used to nag about his drinking. The only time he used to make plans with friends was to go and get absolutely wasted! Cant believe the state he used to come home in! It was scary! I only nagged out of worry.
I still feel he hasnt admitted fully he has a problem and still blames others. Im doubting whether he will actually see a therapist.
His family and i believe he needs to leave the bar trade alltogether but he says its all he knows and feels he cant do better. He works for a manipulative boss who he cant see past, whatever this boss says is gospel etc. But the rest of us feel his boss cant be trusted and may just be using my ex!
He says he misses me but hasnt talked about getting back together. We were going to meet up this weekend but i had to cancel. He said he wanted to keep our meeting secret, especially from his drinking buddies which seems weird? ! He said its because he doesnt want people interfering... Odd seeing he was happy to tell them private stuff about us without telling me before!
My head feels such a mess
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I read recently on another thread that it made the decision to leave the relationship easier when you actually leave and break the contact. And this is very true! I am almost 6 weeks into the no contact and it had made my thinking clearer which has empowered me to stick to my decision that ending my 10 year relationship is the wisest decision I have made for myself.
I moved out in Nov but we remained in contact because he wanted to work things out which in active addict language means he wanted to continue to use without me present so that his addiction could thrive with no interference.
You are by far to special of a person to accept his demotion to become his "secret".
Do you want to be hidden?
Do you want to be tucked away on a back shelf only to be taken out when it's convenient for him?
He's in active addiction don't let him with his Ill thinking run YOUR relationship and make decisions that greatly impact you.
I wouldn't think of boarding a bus that is going to travel a major highway knowing the driver is intoxicated yet as codies we board the bus of life allowing the addicts to steer.
Time to empower yourself, time to start driving your own bus and head to a safer place in your life.
I moved out in Nov but we remained in contact because he wanted to work things out which in active addict language means he wanted to continue to use without me present so that his addiction could thrive with no interference.
You are by far to special of a person to accept his demotion to become his "secret".
Do you want to be hidden?
Do you want to be tucked away on a back shelf only to be taken out when it's convenient for him?
He's in active addiction don't let him with his Ill thinking run YOUR relationship and make decisions that greatly impact you.
I wouldn't think of boarding a bus that is going to travel a major highway knowing the driver is intoxicated yet as codies we board the bus of life allowing the addicts to steer.
Time to empower yourself, time to start driving your own bus and head to a safer place in your life.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
Hi Twinkle and welcome to SR
Keep reading and posting on SR. Have a look too at the stickies at the top of the page its full useful information. There is one called 'Merry Go Round' that's one of my personal favorites.
Please dont buy into this. The blame game is something all problem drinkers play, its part of the denial that allows them to continue drinking. If only you wasn't a nag about it then they wouldn't drink. My AH used to say things like - well if you weren't so lazy or boring etc then he wouldn't drink. It is how they steer the conversation away from themselves and make it about you. Its a bit like 'whipping the tablecloth away' making a subject out of bounds to talk about. You never feel as though you have sorted out what is bothering you about their drinking because every-time you bring it up, it ends up with you being called boring, lazy, a nag etc.
Of course you are worried about him, its only natural but he doesnt appear to be worried about himself and thats what it is going to take for him to make changes around his drinking.
I am surprised that no one on SR has told you about the 3 c's - You didnt Cause it, cant Control it and cant Cure it. It is a difficult notion to accept but once you do it makes life so much easier for you.
.
Unfortunately many problem drinkers never admit they have a problem. My AH's dad died (65) on his own in a flat surrounded by empty bottles and pills that he hadn't taken for a heart problem. He was an alcoholic. My own AH initially didn't want this to happen to him so he did go to AA and a psychotherapist for a while but then stopped just before he relapsed. He now believes that he isn't an alcoholic because he cooks and cleans! Alcohol makes them irrational. We (normal drinkers) cant understand their rationality sometimes too, as it doesn't make sense. They seem to add 2 and 2 together and get 'I dont have a problem - its you who has the problem with me!'
Anyone in contact with a problem drinker feels this way. They can be such wonderful people when they are not drinking and yet verbally abuse you the next time they drink. Its mind messing stuff. This is exactly how I felt when I first discovered Al-anon and this website. They both made a huge difference to how I reacted to my AH and made life bearable again. You have to learn to put yourself first and that takes some doing.
As I said, keep reading and posting, learn what you can and maybe you will see that you have got away lightly. Spend some of your time focusing on you and what you need/deserve in your life by the way of a loving and stable bf.
Keep reading and posting on SR. Have a look too at the stickies at the top of the page its full useful information. There is one called 'Merry Go Round' that's one of my personal favorites.
However i am frustrated about the blame game he used to play.
Of course you are worried about him, its only natural but he doesnt appear to be worried about himself and thats what it is going to take for him to make changes around his drinking.
I am surprised that no one on SR has told you about the 3 c's - You didnt Cause it, cant Control it and cant Cure it. It is a difficult notion to accept but once you do it makes life so much easier for you.
I still feel he hasn't admitted fully he has a problem and still blames others
Unfortunately many problem drinkers never admit they have a problem. My AH's dad died (65) on his own in a flat surrounded by empty bottles and pills that he hadn't taken for a heart problem. He was an alcoholic. My own AH initially didn't want this to happen to him so he did go to AA and a psychotherapist for a while but then stopped just before he relapsed. He now believes that he isn't an alcoholic because he cooks and cleans! Alcohol makes them irrational. We (normal drinkers) cant understand their rationality sometimes too, as it doesn't make sense. They seem to add 2 and 2 together and get 'I dont have a problem - its you who has the problem with me!'
My head feels such a mess
As I said, keep reading and posting, learn what you can and maybe you will see that you have got away lightly. Spend some of your time focusing on you and what you need/deserve in your life by the way of a loving and stable bf.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Hi Twinkle and welcome to SR. I'm so glad you found this place. It saved my butt many times over.
I hope you can find yourself an Al-Anon meeting near you. It really helps to meet people face to face who've been exactly where you are now. It made me feel less alone.
Just in case you don't know the 3 C's of addiction, I'm going to post them:
You didn't CAUSE the addiction
You can't CURE the addiction
You can't CONTROL the addiction.
You and his family may think he needs to do x,y,z, but all that doesn't matter so long as HE doesn't think he needs it. NONE of you can make him do anything; you simply aren't that powerful. The only power you have is over yourself...
...and seeing as you've had a pretty rough time over the past 2 years AND being a child of an abusive alcoholic, it seems like you're well overdue for a long period of taking care of the most important person in your life: YOU!
If I were you, I'd take a giant step back AWAY from the alkie, and let him do his own thing, since you obviously can't change him. At some point, you may decide to cut the cord altogether because you are tired of being jerked around with the "I want you...oh no wait, I don't want you" crap.
I'm glad you're here. Please keep posting and reading as much as you like. SR is always open...and unlike all-night dinners, it won't make you fat :p
I hope you can find yourself an Al-Anon meeting near you. It really helps to meet people face to face who've been exactly where you are now. It made me feel less alone.
Just in case you don't know the 3 C's of addiction, I'm going to post them:
You didn't CAUSE the addiction
You can't CURE the addiction
You can't CONTROL the addiction.
You and his family may think he needs to do x,y,z, but all that doesn't matter so long as HE doesn't think he needs it. NONE of you can make him do anything; you simply aren't that powerful. The only power you have is over yourself...
...and seeing as you've had a pretty rough time over the past 2 years AND being a child of an abusive alcoholic, it seems like you're well overdue for a long period of taking care of the most important person in your life: YOU!
If I were you, I'd take a giant step back AWAY from the alkie, and let him do his own thing, since you obviously can't change him. At some point, you may decide to cut the cord altogether because you are tired of being jerked around with the "I want you...oh no wait, I don't want you" crap.
I'm glad you're here. Please keep posting and reading as much as you like. SR is always open...and unlike all-night dinners, it won't make you fat :p
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: uk
Posts: 14
thanks again for your help guys! 
Eight ball, everything you said makes so much sense and sums up exactly how im feeling. I always felt that issues/fights due to the drinking went unresolved so i would bring them up again when history repeated itself. True to form he would say it was all my fault when really he was clutching at straws to justify why it was my fault.
Im actually quite a bubbly girl but felt id lost my spark somewhere in the relationship. Our sex life died a death because i didnt want to be close to him after he'd treated me like crap. He gained around 3 or 4 stone due to the drinking which also put me off... Not for superficial reasons but i found being intimate uncomfortable due to his size as im quite small.
My mum has given me the opportunity to move 400 miles away to her new home in london. It would mean a fresh start and better job prospects. But the thought of it makes me nervous as its somewhere new where i dont know anyone. Do i go and never look back? Or keep in touch with the ex and meet up to discuss things and clear the air after time apart?
Xx
Eight ball, everything you said makes so much sense and sums up exactly how im feeling. I always felt that issues/fights due to the drinking went unresolved so i would bring them up again when history repeated itself. True to form he would say it was all my fault when really he was clutching at straws to justify why it was my fault.
Im actually quite a bubbly girl but felt id lost my spark somewhere in the relationship. Our sex life died a death because i didnt want to be close to him after he'd treated me like crap. He gained around 3 or 4 stone due to the drinking which also put me off... Not for superficial reasons but i found being intimate uncomfortable due to his size as im quite small.
My mum has given me the opportunity to move 400 miles away to her new home in london. It would mean a fresh start and better job prospects. But the thought of it makes me nervous as its somewhere new where i dont know anyone. Do i go and never look back? Or keep in touch with the ex and meet up to discuss things and clear the air after time apart?
Xx
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 821
Welcome to SR, Twinkle.
I'm just getting warmed up for the day so pardon my shortness.
To answer your question.
If I was in your shoes and had the chance to move somewhere else and start fresh, I would do it in a hearbeat and I would leave all the crap behind.
There's better things in life than sitting around waiting for a boyfriend to clean up.
Count your blessings that you're not married to the man, nor have kids. It only gets harder the longer you stick around and right now, you have a wonderful opportunity in front of you.
I'm just getting warmed up for the day so pardon my shortness.
To answer your question.
If I was in your shoes and had the chance to move somewhere else and start fresh, I would do it in a hearbeat and I would leave all the crap behind.
There's better things in life than sitting around waiting for a boyfriend to clean up.
Count your blessings that you're not married to the man, nor have kids. It only gets harder the longer you stick around and right now, you have a wonderful opportunity in front of you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
You know you're worth loving.. right? If not let me tell you.. you ARE worth loving.
You know that you are remarkable right? If not let me tell you.. having gone what you have gone through and not being completely shattered into tiny little pieces means you ARE remarkable.
You know that his side of the street is his business to keep clean, as yours is yours?
You know that you have a whole life in front of you and that the world is your oyster?
I left and didn't look back. I didn't want to miss what is on my horizon by looking over my shoulder at what was clearly broken behind me. Can't tell you what to do, but sometimes life has a habit of throwing you a livesaver to haul you out of a situation which is unhealthy and causing you damage. Maybe the offer to move to London is your lifesaver.
*hugs*
You know that you are remarkable right? If not let me tell you.. having gone what you have gone through and not being completely shattered into tiny little pieces means you ARE remarkable.
You know that his side of the street is his business to keep clean, as yours is yours?
You know that you have a whole life in front of you and that the world is your oyster?
I left and didn't look back. I didn't want to miss what is on my horizon by looking over my shoulder at what was clearly broken behind me. Can't tell you what to do, but sometimes life has a habit of throwing you a livesaver to haul you out of a situation which is unhealthy and causing you damage. Maybe the offer to move to London is your lifesaver.
*hugs*
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Originally Posted by twinkle1987 
Do i go and never look back? Or keep in touch with the ex and meet up to discuss things and clear the air after time apart?
Xx
Xx
What is your expectation in having such a talk today that you already don't know the answers to?
Are you thinking of announcing that you are moving away?
Looking back now, I clearly see myself in that bargaining stage.....announcing to him I would be leaving unless he did X,Y,Z, I'd often state "you've left me no choice but to_______ and those manipulations tactis worked in the short term but never in the long haul. Everything I did or said was to hold onto him and the relationship, it never was about me "recovering" for me it was always about HIM and the RELATIONSHIP.
Had I had the oportunity to move away and start a new life I would have jumped for that oportunity. But I also know my new life would have to include ME getting healthy and making healthier choices for my life moving forward.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Excellent post atalose!
Originally Posted by atalose
What things do you want to discuss that would clear the air, that you havne't already discussed?
What is your expectation in having such a talk today that you already don't know the answers to?
Are you thinking of announcing that you are moving away?
Looking back now, I clearly see myself in that bargaining stage.....announcing to him I would be leaving unless he did X,Y,Z, I'd often state "you've left me no choice but to_______ and those manipulations tactis worked in the short term but never in the long haul. Everything I did or said was to hold onto him and the relationship, it never was about me "recovering" for me it was always about HIM and the RELATIONSHIP.
Had I had the oportunity to move away and start a new life I would have jumped for that oportunity. But I also know my new life would have to include ME getting healthy and making healthier choices for my life moving forward.
What is your expectation in having such a talk today that you already don't know the answers to?
Are you thinking of announcing that you are moving away?
Looking back now, I clearly see myself in that bargaining stage.....announcing to him I would be leaving unless he did X,Y,Z, I'd often state "you've left me no choice but to_______ and those manipulations tactis worked in the short term but never in the long haul. Everything I did or said was to hold onto him and the relationship, it never was about me "recovering" for me it was always about HIM and the RELATIONSHIP.
Had I had the oportunity to move away and start a new life I would have jumped for that oportunity. But I also know my new life would have to include ME getting healthy and making healthier choices for my life moving forward.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 207
Twinkle, I hope with my all that you will take the opportunity to move and start anew and make a better life for yourself. And maybe in your absence, he will too. I don't know how old you are, but you sound like you have a lot ahead of you and you should go for it.
Hanging around a sick person will just make you sick, too.
If you're nervous and alone in your new surroundings, remember that you can always come to SR and that you'll always have friends here.
Hanging around a sick person will just make you sick, too.
If you're nervous and alone in your new surroundings, remember that you can always come to SR and that you'll always have friends here.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: boulder, co
Posts: 13
There's nothing I an say that hasn't already been said. I'm actually in a similar position as many here. (I even had a foot fracture while the ABF was MIA) Our story similar. I sometimes wonder if, for me, growing up in an alcoholic house makes that discomfort and disappointment all too familiar. Sometimes I think I go back and keep going back because it's what I know, not really what I like.
My only suggestion is to ask if you really want to be involved and if there's room for anyone else if you are going to be involved as a friend with this guy. It's quite a lot for him to ask this of you. I'm asking myself the same questions, and I haven't yet come up with the right answer. My friends and family sure want me to move on though. I'm not sure I can, and I'm not sure how that would look.
Good luck to you.
My only suggestion is to ask if you really want to be involved and if there's room for anyone else if you are going to be involved as a friend with this guy. It's quite a lot for him to ask this of you. I'm asking myself the same questions, and I haven't yet come up with the right answer. My friends and family sure want me to move on though. I'm not sure I can, and I'm not sure how that would look.
Good luck to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: uk
Posts: 14
thanks again for all the support guys, it means so much to talk to people that understand what im going through!
Im not quite sure what the aim of having a chat would be. It wouldnt be to get back together as i know i couldnt get back together unless he fixed himself which wont happen soon. I actually feel numb towards him and a sense of relief that im away from him? I think im realising now that im missing the thought of a relationship/being in love than him. I guess having a chat would allow me to say the things about how he made me feel that i didnt get to say but then again what would it achieve? It would probably fall on deaf ears. It just makes me so angry that its only those closest to him that see him in action, he hides it pretty well to every1 else which fuels his denial. Looking back i enabled his behaviour by making sure he got up for work on time (he wasnt capable of this on his own! !) i wish i hadnt bothered as maybe he would of faced up to things sooner.
For those that are wondering im almost 24. I think a fresh start is my best option. Just scared about meeting new people as for the first few weeks i wont be very mobile because of the broken foot. Im also worried about getting romantically involved with someone in the future. I seem to have a habit of staying long term with jerks who mess me around. When i meet a nice guy i get spooked and run away. When i eventually get the guts to date again i end up staying with a jerk. Maybe its a subconscious thing about sticking to what you know after a drama filled upbringing? !
Xx
Im not quite sure what the aim of having a chat would be. It wouldnt be to get back together as i know i couldnt get back together unless he fixed himself which wont happen soon. I actually feel numb towards him and a sense of relief that im away from him? I think im realising now that im missing the thought of a relationship/being in love than him. I guess having a chat would allow me to say the things about how he made me feel that i didnt get to say but then again what would it achieve? It would probably fall on deaf ears. It just makes me so angry that its only those closest to him that see him in action, he hides it pretty well to every1 else which fuels his denial. Looking back i enabled his behaviour by making sure he got up for work on time (he wasnt capable of this on his own! !) i wish i hadnt bothered as maybe he would of faced up to things sooner.
For those that are wondering im almost 24. I think a fresh start is my best option. Just scared about meeting new people as for the first few weeks i wont be very mobile because of the broken foot. Im also worried about getting romantically involved with someone in the future. I seem to have a habit of staying long term with jerks who mess me around. When i meet a nice guy i get spooked and run away. When i eventually get the guts to date again i end up staying with a jerk. Maybe its a subconscious thing about sticking to what you know after a drama filled upbringing? !
Xx
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