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Old 12-10-2010, 06:05 PM   #1 (permalink)
If you want the rainbow...
 

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AXBF Says...

AXBF says "alcoholic" is just a label that society puts on people in order to judge them. AXBF says that even though some people abuse alcohol, they should not be lumped together in a group with the assumption that they are all the same. AXBF also says that AA is problematic because it offers an oversimplified solution to a complex problem faced by many different people. AXBF says he will not, therefore, "label" himself an alcoholic even though he acknowledges that he has a drinking problem. AXBF says he did some research and found a Harvard study about alcoholics. AXBF says that this study proved that AA and counseling have a higher rate of recidivism than those who stopped drinking without a program. AXBF says this study shows that he can and will stop drinking on his own. And after all of this, I asked AXBF if he even knows what an alcoholic is. He says no. I said that saying that you are not something when you don't even know what that something is is the height of ignorance.

AXBF also says that codependency doesn't exist. AXBF says that it is natural to want to be around other people and to derive happiness from your relationships with others. AXBF says he sees nothing wrong with us being around each other so HE can help ME. Yes, folks, so HE can help ME! I think he believes that I have been brainwashed and need to be deprogrammed.
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Old 12-10-2010, 06:43 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Rayn3,

have you ever seen a charlie brown cartoon?
when the teacher is speaking, it sounds like this.....
"wah, wah, wah, wah, wah" in a montone.
when this guy starts talking, start hearing,
wah, wah, wah, wah.

lol

he is funny, only because I am an alcoholic and boy, i was sooooo frickin smart.
I knew everything, all the excuses, sure harvard says you can stop, but how long do they stay sober without help?
"society" is judging him, i think not, i think he is judging himself as an alcoholic and he is tooooo smart to fall for that.

if he doesnt know what an alcoholic is, ask him to quit drinking. just quit.
he will know pretty quick what he is.
sorry for the sarcasm, but good googly moogly, that is crazy talk.

Beth
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Old 12-10-2010, 06:48 PM   #3 (permalink)
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...........and the unemployment line is not just for philosophy majors anymore!

ROFLMAO
sorry couldn't help myself Rayn.
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Old 12-10-2010, 06:52 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Yes, the addicted, fogged brain at work . . . It hurts to read your post, Rayn, because it takes me back to the days of my insanity. . . I remember trying to have a reasoned conversation with my husband when he was actively using. The topic could be anything. However, when it came to alcohol & marijuana, the craziness & insanity (the deflection, the denial, the minimizing, the rationalization, etc.) were exponentially multiplied. He was talking "crazy-talk" and I would get angry, even blow up. Most of our relationship, I played games with my own mind (shows my own illness) to convince myself to take what he said seriously, letting his "illogic" affect me even when I had reason, logic, common sense and even empirical evidence on my side. Eventually, I became angry at myself to think I was attempting to have a conversation with an active alcoholic based on logic and reason. I started to feel sorry for myself that I had chosen a partner who was so ill. I felt as though I was talking to a 14 or 15 year old. He would sense my self-pity, my growing disrespect for him and my mounting resentment toward him. Then, he too would go into "victim mode" and resent me for thinking I was all "higher than thou," using my profession against me. At times, I'd get sucked in. As I got closer to hitting my own bottom, I stopped engaging. It was a vicious cycle.

The good thing is, he is your "ex," and that you aren't together, though I know you wished that wasn't the case. That's where my heart is going out to you, Rayn. You have a great support system here on this forum. As for your ex, until he stops consuming alcohol and first gives his brain some time to clear up from the effects of alcohol, it's his active addiction talking.

Big hugs.
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Old 12-10-2010, 07:08 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Oh dear lord, Live, thank you for laughing. I was a bit too fresh out of the situation to find it amusing.

He actually asked if he could come over today to talk because HE was feeling stressed out. I'm the one who works three jobs, and HE feels stressed out? I'm the one who has lost 12 pounds in the last month for no reason, and HE feels stressed out? Anyway, it seems mommy and step-daddy aren't too keen on the idea of him moving back home. They are letting him come home (again) in true codie fashion, but they're not being quite as accommodating as they have been in the past. His dogs can no longer sleep in the garage; they have been relegated to the back yard. He has to help out around the house, pay for his own cell phone bill (big whoopdeedo considering his mother has been paying it for god knows how long), and contribute to the bills. After all the sh*t he has put them through he actually thinks they are the villains here? Why can't he see that they justifiably DO NOT TRUST HIM and CAN NO LONGER SYMPATHIZE! Poor baby! At least you will have a roof over your head that they are paying for! AND THIS IS WHAT HE HAD TO COMPLAIN ABOUT! HE FELT IT NECESSARY TO DUMP THIS SH*T ON ME!

I am livid!!! He has such insanely asinine things to say!!!

What the f*ck am I doing???????????? Sorry for all the profanity but I can't help it! I am soooooooooo angry!!!!
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Old 12-10-2010, 07:26 PM   #6 (permalink)
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When you have sufficient distance from it....

sometimes it is all I can do not to bust out laughing outrageously!

Ya see, darling, you are taking what he says seriously, like it might be real and mean something.
That is where it loses it's humor.

from a far shore away, it sounds a whole lot different. I get to laughing that they are believing themselves and at this moment I have an image of a child playing grown up..kind of like a minature Charlie Chaplan.
It is when I don't understand that those lines of reasoning have no reasoning in them that I get upset.

and when I forget that if I am not amused, I can get off the phone.

I can't deal with it from a front row seat, Rayn. I just can't.
But this particular philosophy rant struck me on the absurd end of the spectrum.

(((((((((hugs)))))))))))
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Old 12-10-2010, 07:41 PM   #7 (permalink)
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be glad he still has parents, esp ones that take him back. There was a lucky time for me... I didn't realize it till much later, but another woman took mine. Sorry for her, but it was also a forward move for me. Then I got to a more distant shore & I get that laugh... that could almost float you in air, like the scene in Mary Poppins, where they are close to the ceiling. 8
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Old 12-10-2010, 07:52 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Personally, I f*cking like all the swearing! ;-)
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Old 12-10-2010, 08:00 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Oh, yes. He is VERY philosophical. Don't even get me started.

And remember how my phone broke? So I borrowed a friend's? And then that one was stolen? So I borrowed another friend's? Now, this one isn't working. I think it is the universe's way of telling me to ignore him right now, work on my own stuff. You know, the stuff he can help me with?
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Old 12-10-2010, 08:03 PM   #10 (permalink)
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You know, in his mind, he makes a ton of sense.
We all rationalize unhealthy behavior, this is what he's doing because he's fearful to see the truth.
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Old 12-10-2010, 08:06 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Doesn't matter if he has a PhD and wrote and submitted that Harvard report, he is still an alcoholic!!!

Deflecting, and justifying, yup.
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Old 12-10-2010, 08:07 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Yes, in his mind, he is a prophet.

This phone is making me batsh*t crazy. It keeps making absurd noises, letting me know there is a text message waiting, but the screen is a blank, maddening white. I can't even call my best friend to tell her something that actually pertains to her for once, not me.
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Old 12-10-2010, 08:12 PM   #13 (permalink)
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LOL

Glad you are smiling a bit.

I mean what kind of whopper could you equate that one to with one of your student's and excuses? Your eyebrows would go right off your face and it would be hard to hear it without breaking up, right?

yeah, it hasn't even been a week and he was going to become responsible and show you not tell you....how responsible he is and now he is mad about paying his own phone bill?!?!

and you are supposed to take him seriously?

and who was going to be supportive of whom?

as you said, you worked today, you carry adult responsibilities and you need time to unwind from your stress.
I don't know what he did and why he requires this exact moment in time to decompress from his stress , but that is his time management problem. Not yours.

I know I would be done with my comedy hour for the day!
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Old 12-10-2010, 08:28 PM   #14 (permalink)
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I feel like I'm in that movie with the remote control that controls your life, where you can fast-forward through the bad parts and just experience the good parts. The only problem is you begin to realize that you've fast-forwarded your entire life and now you're ugly and old and nothing has changed.

Oh, and a side note because I found this amusing. AXBF and I adopted a kitten right before we broke up this last time. He has been over to the house twice (briefly, just briefly) since I broke no contact, and BOTH times she hissed at him. LMAO. She knows what's up!
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Old 12-10-2010, 08:42 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Quote:
BOTH times she hissed at him. LMAO. She knows what's up!
"Sorry exboyfriend the vet says you stress out the cat, dont come back!"

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Old 12-10-2010, 08:43 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Rayn3dr0p, you wrote "Anyway, it seems mommy and step-daddy aren't too keen on the idea of him moving back home. They are letting him come home (again) in true codie fashion, but they're not being quite as accommodating as they have been in the past. His dogs can no longer sleep in the garage; they have been relegated to the back yard. He has to help out around the house, pay for his own cell phone bill (big whoopdeedo considering his mother has been paying it for god knows how long), and contribute to the bills."

I say YAAAH his parents are finally treating him like an adult! The only thing I'm concerned about is his dogs! His parents need to put the dogs inside the house and band your AXBF to the back yard! They're, also, are victims of your AXBF!

*******************************
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Old 12-10-2010, 08:48 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Thanks, wicked. I will take any professional medical advice I can get, even if it's from the veterinarian. LOL. I think my cat is smarter than I am!

And while we're on the topic of animals, you're right, Phoenix. I almost feel sorrier for the dogs than for him.
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Old 12-10-2010, 08:55 PM   #18 (permalink)
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oh gal, he knew the right things to say to get the door open. don't beat yourself up.
you wanted to wait and watch....and it hasn't taken long.

we learn from experience.
It has taken me a long time to gain a sense of humor about it.
and I can only do that from a far far distance!

you are helping others here and talking about cake..you will be fine. better than fine.
wait and watch.
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Old 12-10-2010, 09:14 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Yes, I was waiting and watching, wasn't I? Am I still? That's the question.
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Old 12-10-2010, 09:20 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Worth repeating so we don't forget....

Quote:
ex's are ex's for a reason.
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