Why did my A have to choose alcohol over me?
 

I've been really depressed lately.

I've read a thousand books. Read through lots of great posts and information here.

But the last few days, I've been thinking, "Why did my ex have to choose alcohol over me?" I know it's not about me. His ex-wife left him because of the drinking. Then I came along and he blamed all his drama and problems on me. He didn't want to stop drinking so then I left. If he was willing to let his wife of 15 years to leave, sure he was going to let me leave too.

But it still stings. It hurts.

I have drinking problems of my own and I knew it was contributing to our problems. I'm in counseling now. And I was willing to go the distance. AA, counseling, whatever it would take. But he didn't. I am sad. And the weird part, our relationship was so dead and crappy at the end, I can't imagine being with him anyway - so why do I care?

And after staring into space at dinner, yelling and picking fights all the time, making me the last thing that mattered, etc he sent sappy messages telling me he loves me. Then why wouldn't he get help?

Thanks for listening. I've been depressed lately.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I've felt that way, too. Al-anon has helped me tremendously. One of the things we learn is that it's impossible to say, "If you loved me, you would..." It just doesn't work like that. It's not important what you know, but what you do. And what you're doing is working on your recovery. That's HUGE!! You should be patting yourself on the back for that.

What he's doing is on him. It's impossible for him to see outside his bottle. He's very sick, and his illness is holding tight right now. You can pray or meditate or whatever it is you do, and when you're feeling especially lost or down, then double up on your meetings. That has helped for me, and I hope it helps you, too.

grieving a relationship, even a crappy one where you'd rather stick rusty pins in your self rather than repeat is natural, it's what humans do, and part of how we move on.

It feels horrible, but doesn't mean you are weird, or secretly wanting him back or have made the wrong decision.

SOunds like you are doing great things for your life, I think you should be dead proud!

Goldengirl,

I hear you. I so relate. It's hard when we finally realize that the one we want(ed) to spend the rest of our lives with chooses alcohol over us (and our children). I suppose if we accept the premise that for alcoholics/addicts (once they are in the throws of their addiction), they aren't really in control (unless and until they can first admit and then second start to take actions to change).

For now, keep taking care of yourself. Read and post on this forum. Find yourself a positive support system. If and when the time comes for your husband to take the step to get well & to choose recovery, he may one day be able to choose you over alcohol. You may or may not be there if or when he is able to choose you.

After 14 years with my AH, I realized he was choosing alcohol and pot over me and our daughter. I kept hoping and hoping that my love was more rewarding and more meaningful (than alcohol & pot), and that he would stop. He didn't and I left. Eventually my husband went into recovery. Now, he must choose recovery before me and our daughter.

I remember how much it hurt, Goldengirl when I finally accepted that I can not *make* my husband choose me over alcohol. And that his choice was alcohol over me. I was crushed. Your husband can't choose you right now because of his addiction. I hope and pray for you that *you* will choose you. Thank you for posting.

Sending

His drinking, the break-up- he wasn't doing it to you he was just doing it.
His drinking is about him...if he could stop at this time, he would.
But good news is you're taking charge of what you have power over and that's your own
problem with alcohol. This way your life will get better.

So sorry for the loss of your relationship. We have to mourn our losses fully.
You loved the man, not the alcoholism. May he find his way to recovery one day too.

He's not doing it TO you, he's just doing it.

This bears repeating. One of my issues, as a codependent, is taking other people's behavior personally. The truth is, it usually has nothing to do with me.

L

When my exabf let me leave so that he could drink uninterrupted, I had the good fortune to speak with a man that I know at work who has 22 years in AA, and is very involved and committed to his own long term recovery.

He said, "Your boyfriend hates himself more than you will ever know." He made me realize that it was not at all about me, or his love for me, or lack thereof. It's how the A feels about themselves that matter. And until they love themselves, they can love us, but never in a way that will matter.

I have chosen to take care of myself, I have not given up completely on the thought of a future with him, but I am open to the idea that I may never have that, and I can still be happy.

It does get easier.