Updates and advice.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 27
Updates and advice.
Hello all.
I orginally posted here in september after going through a traumatic breakup with my abf.
He had been drinking for 20 years. We had been together for 1 year and a half.
We went through every typical drunk behavior, lying, drunk driving, the blame game, negotiations, rules, never violent towards me though. etc. after I had had surgery and he told me to get the f out of his house. I got my own place and started to get my life back on track. He kept on and eventually lost his job. He called me one night and said he was drunk-sick. Meaning he was on the long dark road after a bender and that he needed help. I went and got him ( i know i know) buuut... It has been 5 months. He hasnt drank at all. Its almost like a whole different relationship. Sober him is a totally different man. Responsive. Caring. Helpful. Giving. He doesnt live with me, he works out of town and stays with me while he is home. I have made it clear to him that if he makes alcohol an option in his life, i'm gone, that there will be no more chances.
Here are my questions. He says that he has quit, that he is finished with drinking. He has never said that before. He has taken responsibility for everything that happened. And has taken accountability for all o his actions. Talking to his job because of the termination, admitting he has a problem, setting up payment plans. He has told all of our friends he quit drinking.
My questions :
His libidio is gone. There is no or barely any interest. We have talked about it and he is worried there is some sort of personal damage. I directed him to a doctor.
My question is, is that normal with someone in recovery? No drive? He says he wants to but "things" dont work.
Secondly. Will i ever get over the worry that he will slip up? I still look for indications. Every time he says he is sick, i wonder if it'd beerfluenza. I worry because he asks me to send him zzquil to help him sleep ( it has 10 percent alcohol in it). Will i ever be able to relax and enjoy this new relationship?
I orginally posted here in september after going through a traumatic breakup with my abf.
He had been drinking for 20 years. We had been together for 1 year and a half.
We went through every typical drunk behavior, lying, drunk driving, the blame game, negotiations, rules, never violent towards me though. etc. after I had had surgery and he told me to get the f out of his house. I got my own place and started to get my life back on track. He kept on and eventually lost his job. He called me one night and said he was drunk-sick. Meaning he was on the long dark road after a bender and that he needed help. I went and got him ( i know i know) buuut... It has been 5 months. He hasnt drank at all. Its almost like a whole different relationship. Sober him is a totally different man. Responsive. Caring. Helpful. Giving. He doesnt live with me, he works out of town and stays with me while he is home. I have made it clear to him that if he makes alcohol an option in his life, i'm gone, that there will be no more chances.
Here are my questions. He says that he has quit, that he is finished with drinking. He has never said that before. He has taken responsibility for everything that happened. And has taken accountability for all o his actions. Talking to his job because of the termination, admitting he has a problem, setting up payment plans. He has told all of our friends he quit drinking.
My questions :
His libidio is gone. There is no or barely any interest. We have talked about it and he is worried there is some sort of personal damage. I directed him to a doctor.
My question is, is that normal with someone in recovery? No drive? He says he wants to but "things" dont work.
Secondly. Will i ever get over the worry that he will slip up? I still look for indications. Every time he says he is sick, i wonder if it'd beerfluenza. I worry because he asks me to send him zzquil to help him sleep ( it has 10 percent alcohol in it). Will i ever be able to relax and enjoy this new relationship?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 243
Hi Themeanone,
I've been thinking along the same lines in terms that me & my Aexbf, we aren't in contact right now- if he's getting help and I don't know if he is- but if he is.. And he gets it together I think in the back of my mind I'll always wonder- is he clean ? Is he drinking somewhere? I remember in the consul of his car the items were: eye drops, breath mints, cologne ... Need I say more. Good for your A if he is getting better. But from reading what I've been reading on SR, you have to ask yourself, is it worth the stress of aways worrying deep down ... Is the drinking or using happening again. Be good to yourself. I'm still new here at SR and my advice may not be the best but my heart means well. I wish the best for you. Keep a back up plan for yourself. If you see old habits reappear, move on. I believe that's what I'd do. Or the other road , as more wise and experienced friends on SR have said to others- run and don't look back. All the best. Be strong, be wise. Be blessed.
I've been thinking along the same lines in terms that me & my Aexbf, we aren't in contact right now- if he's getting help and I don't know if he is- but if he is.. And he gets it together I think in the back of my mind I'll always wonder- is he clean ? Is he drinking somewhere? I remember in the consul of his car the items were: eye drops, breath mints, cologne ... Need I say more. Good for your A if he is getting better. But from reading what I've been reading on SR, you have to ask yourself, is it worth the stress of aways worrying deep down ... Is the drinking or using happening again. Be good to yourself. I'm still new here at SR and my advice may not be the best but my heart means well. I wish the best for you. Keep a back up plan for yourself. If you see old habits reappear, move on. I believe that's what I'd do. Or the other road , as more wise and experienced friends on SR have said to others- run and don't look back. All the best. Be strong, be wise. Be blessed.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 243
Themeanone,
I forgot to say my exAbf, his libido was willing but he couldn't "complete the task" if you get my drift. He would say, "ah, I drank to much" I would say, "damn alcohol" but i used another choice word "+*%€£" one time afterwards, I was trying to make him not feel so bad about "not completing the task" and he spoke so fresh & mean he said, "can we stop talking about it" and I had only just mentioned it a moment before. He made seem like I went on for a hour verbally- and i didn't. Another thing we woman need to decide if we want to keep around us. Take good care of yourself !
I forgot to say my exAbf, his libido was willing but he couldn't "complete the task" if you get my drift. He would say, "ah, I drank to much" I would say, "damn alcohol" but i used another choice word "+*%€£" one time afterwards, I was trying to make him not feel so bad about "not completing the task" and he spoke so fresh & mean he said, "can we stop talking about it" and I had only just mentioned it a moment before. He made seem like I went on for a hour verbally- and i didn't. Another thing we woman need to decide if we want to keep around us. Take good care of yourself !
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Hi, themeanone--glad you've checked back in w/SR. I can't offer much info regarding your questions about whether your sex life will ever normalize w/your A but maybe a trip to the doctor would help either eliminate or locate any physical (as opposed to psychological) issues.
Regarding your other question, I'd recommend that you find some recovery for yourself, regardless of what your A may or may not be doing. The reason I say this is that it doesn't sound as if anything has really changed for either of you other than that he is not drinking, as far as you know. It's almost never the case that simply removing the drug of choice fixes all the problems in the relationship, and it sounds as if that's all that has happened here. You might want to read this thread http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-fantasy.html for some insight into why that is the case.
I'd strongly recommend Alanon, and here's a link to help you find a meeting: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ Alanon will help you focus on your own health and recovery and stop worrying about what your A is up to. I hope you consider this.
Wishing you strength and clarity.
Regarding your other question, I'd recommend that you find some recovery for yourself, regardless of what your A may or may not be doing. The reason I say this is that it doesn't sound as if anything has really changed for either of you other than that he is not drinking, as far as you know. It's almost never the case that simply removing the drug of choice fixes all the problems in the relationship, and it sounds as if that's all that has happened here. You might want to read this thread http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-fantasy.html for some insight into why that is the case.
I'd strongly recommend Alanon, and here's a link to help you find a meeting: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ Alanon will help you focus on your own health and recovery and stop worrying about what your A is up to. I hope you consider this.
Wishing you strength and clarity.
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