Dating

[missb89]

Okay, I am not ready do date yet by any means, but I have a lot of concerns for when I do. Now that I've gotten out of a relationship with this A, I'm afraid that I'm going to think that everyone that I date might be one. When I'm out and I see people drinking, I wonder if they are as well. I feel like I'm being over judgemental now to things that I never even used to pay attention to.

I am wondering if I'll be able to tell the difference between a man who can enjoy a few drinks here and there without it getting out of hand, from one who will eventually let it take over his life. I'm probably over thinking this but I just don't know. Why can some people handle drinking once in a while on the weekends and some can't?

[suki44883]

Most people are not alcoholics, but, I agree, you are over thinking and worrying about something that may or may not happen sometime in the future. Are you attending al-anon meetings? They can be quite helpful in helping you to recognize the signs and red flags that might come up. Instead of worrying about the future, learn to deal with life in the present. Make sure that you, yourself, are ready to enter into a healthy relationship.

[URMYEVERYTHING]

Originally Posted by missb89

I am wondering if I'll be able to tell the difference between a man who can enjoy a few drinks here and there without it getting out of hand, from one who will eventually let it take over his life.

It's kind of like riding a bike. Once you have been exposed to the addict's ways, it's second nature to know when something is awry. This time you have the knowledge to know if and when it happens again and to know to get off that rollarcoaster sooner rather than later. You cannot project how someone's future behavior will be or what it will lead too. You would be an anxious ball of mess if you did that. We all would. You can only go off of what their current behavior is and if he starts to get of control with his drinking (a limit you determine that is intolerable) then move on. Dating comes with ups and downs and some disappointments. Just be willing to accept that every date you experience may not be the one or a good fit and that's okay.

I'm probably over thinking this but I just don't know. Why can some people handle drinking once in a while on the weekends and some can't?

Addiction is the answer. Some people are just wired that way and have an addictive personality. Actually, most of us have an addiction to something one way or the other but the consequences are so much more less than it is with drugs/alcohol. Shoot, I add overeating into addiction. It doesn't have legal consequences as addiction but it has long term consequences such as weight gain, possible health risks and even leading to death as a result of not taking care of yourself. But, the country isn't addressing that issue. Enough of me ranting about that.

Give yourself time. If you are suspect of everyone that may be...then you aren't ready to date. I'm in that same position. I know that my trust in men right now is shot and it wouldn't be fair to anyone for me to carry that with me.

[ItsmeAlice]

I was much like you are now when I first separated from my XABF. I went to about a month after our split and was very focused on who around me was drinking alcohol, who appeared intoxicated, who looked like they were clinging to their drink as if it were their lifeline, etc. I was hypersensitive to addictive behaviors when I met new people and picked up on every mention people made to drinking or partying or wreckless behavior.

In time that sensitivity mellowed as I focused on making my own choices and letting others have theirs. I concerned myself less and less with the consequences of what others were doing since those consequences didn't belong to me.

I also found over time that when I really put the focus on my recovery and making myself healthy from an emotional, physical, and spiritual standpoint, my interest in unhealthy men as potential mates has also waned. I've been around a few now that just turned me off completely. These are guys that I would have taken to at the outset before, and I have wondered why they irritate me now.

When I give it thought I can pinpoint certain behaviors and langugage that are addict qualities.

I have since found out that each of them have addictions or abuse issues. I may not have known why they were unhealthy, at the time I met them, but something in me clued into it.

I hope to start dating in the future as you do. I am working towards being healthy inside and out so I will attract the same when the time comes.

Good luck to you!

Alice

[HealingWillCome]

I'm not ready to date yet, but...yesterday while I was reading the boundaries thread, I realized I'm going to need to watch for red flags that I wave at myself.

If I start to compromise any healthy boundaries, then it's time to reassess the relationship. If I can't take care of myself first, then what's the point? Recognizing red flags from the other person is clearly important, but I need to stay healthy to be able to do that.

HEALTHY BOUNDARIES
• You can say no or yes, and you are ok when others say no to you.
• You have a strong sense of identity. You respect yourself.
• You expect reciprocity in a relationship—you share responsibility and power.
• You know when the problem is yours and when it belongs to someone else.
• You share personal information gradually in a mutually sharing/trusting relationship.
• You don’t tolerate abuse or disrespect.
• You know your own wants, needs and feelings. You communicate them clearly in your relationships.
• You are committed to and responsible for exploring and nurturing your full potential.
• You are responsible for your own happiness and fulfillment. You allow others to be responsible for their own happiness and fulfillment.
• You value your opinions and feelings as much as others.
• You know your limits. You allow others to define their limits.
• You are able to ask for help when you need it.
• You don’t compromise your values or integrity to avoid rejection.