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Old 06-12-2010, 04:18 PM   #1 (permalink)
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What Happens When You Put Two Codies Together?

What happens when two codependent people date?

A friend of mine just recently reconnected with me and after filing each other in we laughed how we're codependent and both dated people who are damaged over the years we didn't talk...

I've never been with someone who likes damaged people too. I know it depends probably more on the individuals involved, but I don't know. I used to have a huge crush on this person, and when we met up after two years.. I found myself feeling the same way I used to. We've been hanging out a lot and its happening VERY fast and Its something I'm finding myself having feelings for someone again since xabf...but I'm not sure if this is just a codependent thing or what. Maybe I'm just scared. I get nervous about caring for people in that way now.

I was wondering what happens when two people who have codependent tendencies date? Does it turn into a disaster? Or is a match made in psychology heaven?

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Old 06-12-2010, 04:28 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Just reading this i thought either terribly aweful or totally awesome
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Old 06-12-2010, 08:25 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Forgive me if I'm wrong... but my memory seems to recollect Anvil saying once that if things "clicked"... to run.

Funny how I remember certain statements and comments.... evidently not in their entirety... perhaps she'll come along and clarify.
"The eyes see only what the mind is prepared to comprehend".

It never pays to have a 'checkerboard mentality' when your opponent is playing Go."

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Old 06-13-2010, 08:42 AM   #4 (permalink)
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hahahhaa lol

my thoughts exactly. This could be awful. HAHA. Yeah, hopefully she does...
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Old 06-13-2010, 09:05 PM   #5 (permalink)
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I'm fairly sure that my xah is co-dependant. His 'characteristics' are sort of opposite mine and I think we 'fit' comfortably at first. Our relationship was so dysfunctional even minus the alcohol. We had no awareness about any of that though, which makes a big difference. I guess just proceed very cautiously.

Here is a quote from Melody Beattie's book "Codependent No More"

Two codependants in a relationship can really play havock with each other. Consider two people-pleasers in a relationship with each other. No consider two people-pleasers in a relationship with each other when they both want out of the relationship. They will, as Earnie Larsen says, do horrible things. They'll nearly destroy each other and themselves before one will stop rescuing and say, "I want out."
Life shrinks or expands according to one's courage. - Anais Nin
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Old 06-13-2010, 09:16 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by MaryGoRound View Post
.... What happens when two codependent people date?.....
Depends on whether they are in recovery or not. It's like two alcoholics dating. If they're drinking.... somebody is going to get hurt. If they're solid in recovery, then they have a good chance.

My personal experience as an alanoid is that I dated two wonderful young ladies I met thru alanon. They are both 100% card-carrying codies, and both of them work a very solid program. As a long term relationship it didn't work out, but they are still very special friends. We have a _healthy_ friendship now which is the result of working our programs.

I am now dating another alanoid, who is also a member of ACoA, ISA, AA and OA. She works her program like a Marine charging up a hill. She's one of the healthiest, sanest people I know. So far we're doing great. Not perfect, but it's a very normal, healthy relationship.

I don't think that where we come from is an issue in our relationship. It's where we are heading that matters. As long as we both stay on the sane side of recovery we'll be fine. But if either one of us "relapses" as an alanoid, or any other of our "conditions", then it'll be a mess.

Sunsets are not endings. If I have enough faith, they are beginnings.
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Old 06-14-2010, 09:52 AM   #7 (permalink)
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When we met and married over 30 years ago, we didn't know what a 'codie' was; much less see those tendencies in ourselves. (think about that)

The dangerpoint was if and when one of us ...or worse... both were in denial or in some way slipping. That did happen sometimes with us and it wasn't pretty; so life has not always been a cake walk down a rose petaled path.

Thankfully in our case, now we both have the willingness and tools today to change and live better; it's a great combo. Like most of life; in relationships of all types a risk remains, which is but one reason that my own recovery comes first.

We try to keep some good respectful boundaries between ourselves, have some great 'recovery talks' together; and share mutual viewpoints and understanding. We are happy.

Can it work? Ive learned that for myself, the answer hinges upon _if_ whether or not two people will actually do what is necessary for themselves and be still be accountable to the other. For me that involves solid evidence of positive action (not intent) over a period of time.

“Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.”
- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
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