emotional abuse and the alcoholic which came first (chicken or the egg)
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: texas
Posts: 103
I was a victim of the emotional abuse. Kittyboo kind of summed it up for me. I am an educated, strong woman, but the emotional abuse overcame me.
I ended up having to go to counseling because of it. The last year of my life has been a very emotional one. When I first came out of my relationship with my exab, I was very broken.
I felt like no one liked me(because that is what he told me so many times). He isolated me.
I felt crazy(because he told me that I was f### up in the head so many times).
I could go on an on!!!
But it took about 8 months of counseling and educating myself on alcoholism and now SR to regain myself. I now know what I was dealing with.
An outsider looking in, has not idea, but since I have been involved with an abusive alcoholic, I have said many times that:
I now know why women get beat and stay in abusive relationships!!!!
My aexb is/was a very angry person, because of his childhood and other issues, he was extremely angry. I think he tried to cope with the alcohol. He once told me that I would not like him if he was sober!
Now however, (the progression of alcohol) He has a completely different personality. He is more like a little kid. He is not rude and abusive. He is almost childlike. It is really bizarre!!!
I am sorry that you are going through the emotional stress. Please keep reading the posts and educating yourself!!!!
I ended up having to go to counseling because of it. The last year of my life has been a very emotional one. When I first came out of my relationship with my exab, I was very broken.
I felt like no one liked me(because that is what he told me so many times). He isolated me.
I felt crazy(because he told me that I was f### up in the head so many times).
I could go on an on!!!
But it took about 8 months of counseling and educating myself on alcoholism and now SR to regain myself. I now know what I was dealing with.
An outsider looking in, has not idea, but since I have been involved with an abusive alcoholic, I have said many times that:
I now know why women get beat and stay in abusive relationships!!!!
My aexb is/was a very angry person, because of his childhood and other issues, he was extremely angry. I think he tried to cope with the alcohol. He once told me that I would not like him if he was sober!
Now however, (the progression of alcohol) He has a completely different personality. He is more like a little kid. He is not rude and abusive. He is almost childlike. It is really bizarre!!!
I am sorry that you are going through the emotional stress. Please keep reading the posts and educating yourself!!!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 1
Thank you.
Originally Posted by Bolina 
I spent a long time trying to figure out why. Read lots of articles, books, websites etc. All very informative.
But in the end, the most helpful work I ever did was figuring out my own "why". Why was in a relationship with someone who would treat me like that? Why did I not believe I deserved better? Why did I put up with that stuff from someone who professed to love me? Why did I not want to be on my own? Why did I make it all OK?
Because, really, it doesn't much matter to me why someone treats me badly. That's for them to figure out if and when they decide that their behavior is causing problems in their life. It's my job to look after myself.
But in the end, the most helpful work I ever did was figuring out my own "why". Why was in a relationship with someone who would treat me like that? Why did I not believe I deserved better? Why did I put up with that stuff from someone who professed to love me? Why did I not want to be on my own? Why did I make it all OK?
Because, really, it doesn't much matter to me why someone treats me badly. That's for them to figure out if and when they decide that their behavior is causing problems in their life. It's my job to look after myself.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Hi there. I've had to deal with abuse in a relationship with an addict. I'm also a very educated person, but I will say that what kept me in the relationship was not if I was educated or not, or strong or not, it was my empathy for him. It was because he was constantly self-harming as a manipulation tactic that I stayed, because I was worried about what he would do to himself if I left. So I stayed and was lied to, stolen from, screamed at... etc... etc... rinse and repeat, until I got out.
I've written a long, long post about abuse an addiction here: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...addiction.html (Untangling abuse and addiction.)
I don't know if it will help you to read my opinion of it, but there it is. I think some people disagree with me... or not. I no longer try to think about what causes it because it's really like asking if the chicken came first or the egg. In some causes it's the addiction that makes them abusive, in some cases it's that they are an abuser and using the addiction as an excuse for abusive behavior. It no longer matters to me. What matters to me is this: Now that I know what abuse is (and how it starts -- slowly, with behavior that becomes increasingly manipulative and selfish over time... and in my case, the abuser felt incredibly sorry for himself, to the point where he would sometimes act disabled in public to get sympathy but was a terror at home), I will NEVER EVER tolerate this behavior ever again.
Agree with Kittyboo, Bolina, and Stillwaters. Also... there's a difference, I think, between behavior that comes from someone who does not share your values about respecting you because they are abusers, and someone who is being selfish because they are abusive. If a person is truly abusive, they are unlikely to change even if they are sober.
I've written a long, long post about abuse an addiction here: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...addiction.html (Untangling abuse and addiction.)
I don't know if it will help you to read my opinion of it, but there it is. I think some people disagree with me... or not. I no longer try to think about what causes it because it's really like asking if the chicken came first or the egg. In some causes it's the addiction that makes them abusive, in some cases it's that they are an abuser and using the addiction as an excuse for abusive behavior. It no longer matters to me. What matters to me is this: Now that I know what abuse is (and how it starts -- slowly, with behavior that becomes increasingly manipulative and selfish over time... and in my case, the abuser felt incredibly sorry for himself, to the point where he would sometimes act disabled in public to get sympathy but was a terror at home), I will NEVER EVER tolerate this behavior ever again.
Agree with Kittyboo, Bolina, and Stillwaters. Also... there's a difference, I think, between behavior that comes from someone who does not share your values about respecting you because they are abusers, and someone who is being selfish because they are abusive. If a person is truly abusive, they are unlikely to change even if they are sober.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 17
Educated women are not immune
Hi LeaA, you and I have a lot in common. I have a JD and a PhD and a very high powered job. I have taken my ABF back many many times, after protective orders, jail time, rehab, abuse, etc. etc. Today I got another protective order and I am hoping I have the strength IN MYSELF to say no to the abuse now after ten years and start anew. My ABF lasted sober for 15 months this last go-round after being in jail for a night but he spent the last two days on a binge. The most frustrating thing for me is that he tells me I am delusional and that he has not been drinking. He knows this pushes my buttons because I am a lawyer who knows how to identify evidence and see things very plainly in terms of when he is drinking.
Point is, you can be very smart, very capable, very educated, and still be vulnerable to the manipulative alcoholic. And let me tell you, there is probably no end to it, or at least for me there has not been. Alcoholics are the most manipulative, lying, deceptive, charming people. Do not be fooled. Take care of yourself and your own self image, get free if you can, value yourself first, and get to Al-Anon. I never did that and now regret the last ten years of drama, pain, sleepless nights, and on and on.
Point is, you can be very smart, very capable, very educated, and still be vulnerable to the manipulative alcoholic. And let me tell you, there is probably no end to it, or at least for me there has not been. Alcoholics are the most manipulative, lying, deceptive, charming people. Do not be fooled. Take care of yourself and your own self image, get free if you can, value yourself first, and get to Al-Anon. I never did that and now regret the last ten years of drama, pain, sleepless nights, and on and on.
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
Posts: 526
What does shock me a little I suppose is that he has always dated "strong smart women" myself included. He has no respect for his mother, I frankly have no respect for her either...she is an overly educated self righteous idiot who has allowed her children to be raised in alcoholism and abuse yet hides behind some idea of "Christianity"....to me she is just disgusting and I cannot even stand to be in her presence.
If you have children with this man, you will become the woman who allows her children to be raised in alcoholism and abuse. What will you hide behind?
Don't get pregnant! If you want to stay with him, get your tubes tied.
If you want a happy family life with children, this man is not a candidate.
Been there, by the way. Wish I could say I left before I had babies with him.
If you have children with this man, you will become the woman who allows her children to be raised in alcoholism and abuse. What will you hide behind?
Don't get pregnant! If you want to stay with him, get your tubes tied.
If you want a happy family life with children, this man is not a candidate.
Been there, by the way. Wish I could say I left before I had babies with him.
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