Why is is they alway think..
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
Why is is they alway think..
they are the greatest people in the world and why do we put them down when we confront them about the drinking? I hace heard this while he was sober. Everyone else thought he was awesome but me. And he never had these issues with any other relationship but me. Which was a lie by the way but really..Are they that dilusional? Anyone else have experiences to share?
Hugs
Lulu
Hugs
Lulu
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Boston, MA (Mattapan) Legit ghetto but I love it
Posts: 174
Yes.
We really are that delusional. I couldn't explain to you why. But the way our minds work we will try to blame someone, anyone else for our drinking. I did it with my ex. He *really* hurt me, no need to get into details but he didn't treat me very well. It was because of his own personal issues but I didn't make it very easy for him to be with me. He was dealing with a lot and was pushing me away and I was hurt by that. So I started drinking more. And that just added more stress to what he was already dealing with. I'd constantly call him while so drunk that he couldn't understand what I was saying. And I told him that if he would just act like he cared or would call me etc etc then I wouldn't be drinking. That it was his fault I was doing this. I haven't talked to him in two months. He couldn't handle dealing with an alcoholic on top of his own mental issues. I try to blame everything on him and while he was far from perfect... I made things a lot worse.
And sometimes I still do feel that way. I feel like if he hadn't broken my heart or if my brother had not died or if this or that or the other thing had not happened then I wouldn't be drinking. That probably is not true...I'd have found some excuse or reason at some point... sure when things were going great I wasn't drinking... but things in life are rarely like that... and drinking isn't the answer but for an alcoholic we try and make it be that way...
I don't mean to be rude but you couldn't understand what it's like. I don't say that in a mean way, it's just a fact. You're not an alcoholic so you don't know how it feels. We want to deny it, we need to deny it. Admitting you have a problem with alcohol is not easy. Even if its obvious. Even if we KNOW it's obvious. Knowing it and admitting it and truly ACCEPTING it are two COMPLETELY different things.
I know it must be really really difficult to be on your end. But I can tell you from being on the alcoholic end that it isn't easy for us. And it has nothing to do with you. We just like to find any way we can to deny it.
We really are that delusional. I couldn't explain to you why. But the way our minds work we will try to blame someone, anyone else for our drinking. I did it with my ex. He *really* hurt me, no need to get into details but he didn't treat me very well. It was because of his own personal issues but I didn't make it very easy for him to be with me. He was dealing with a lot and was pushing me away and I was hurt by that. So I started drinking more. And that just added more stress to what he was already dealing with. I'd constantly call him while so drunk that he couldn't understand what I was saying. And I told him that if he would just act like he cared or would call me etc etc then I wouldn't be drinking. That it was his fault I was doing this. I haven't talked to him in two months. He couldn't handle dealing with an alcoholic on top of his own mental issues. I try to blame everything on him and while he was far from perfect... I made things a lot worse.
And sometimes I still do feel that way. I feel like if he hadn't broken my heart or if my brother had not died or if this or that or the other thing had not happened then I wouldn't be drinking. That probably is not true...I'd have found some excuse or reason at some point... sure when things were going great I wasn't drinking... but things in life are rarely like that... and drinking isn't the answer but for an alcoholic we try and make it be that way...
I don't mean to be rude but you couldn't understand what it's like. I don't say that in a mean way, it's just a fact. You're not an alcoholic so you don't know how it feels. We want to deny it, we need to deny it. Admitting you have a problem with alcohol is not easy. Even if its obvious. Even if we KNOW it's obvious. Knowing it and admitting it and truly ACCEPTING it are two COMPLETELY different things.
I know it must be really really difficult to be on your end. But I can tell you from being on the alcoholic end that it isn't easy for us. And it has nothing to do with you. We just like to find any way we can to deny it.
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Originally Posted by SomeoneSomwhere 
Yes.
We really are that delusional. I couldn't explain to you why. But the way our minds work we will try to blame someone, anyone else for our drinking. I did it with my ex. He *really* hurt me, no need to get into details but he didn't treat me very well. It was because of his own personal issues but I didn't make it very easy for him to be with me. He was dealing with a lot and was pushing me away and I was hurt by that. So I started drinking more. And that just added more stress to what he was already dealing with. I'd constantly call him while so drunk that he couldn't understand what I was saying. And I told him that if he would just act like he cared or would call me etc etc then I wouldn't be drinking. That it was his fault I was doing this. I haven't talked to him in two months. He couldn't handle dealing with an alcoholic on top of his own mental issues. I try to blame everything on him and while he was far from perfect... I made things a lot worse.
And sometimes I still do feel that way. I feel like if he hadn't broken my heart or if my brother had not died or if this or that or the other thing had not happened then I wouldn't be drinking.
I don't mean to be rude but you couldn't understand what it's like. I don't say that in a mean way, it's just a fact. You're not an alcoholic so you don't know how it feels. We want to deny it, we need to deny it. Admitting you have a problem with alcohol is not easy. Even if its obvious. Even if we KNOW it's obvious. Knowing it and admitting it and truly ACCEPTING it are two COMPLETELY different things.
I know it must be really really difficult to be on your end. But I can tell you from being on the alcoholic end that it isn't easy for us. And it has nothing to do with you. We just like to find any way we can to deny it.
We really are that delusional. I couldn't explain to you why. But the way our minds work we will try to blame someone, anyone else for our drinking. I did it with my ex. He *really* hurt me, no need to get into details but he didn't treat me very well. It was because of his own personal issues but I didn't make it very easy for him to be with me. He was dealing with a lot and was pushing me away and I was hurt by that. So I started drinking more. And that just added more stress to what he was already dealing with. I'd constantly call him while so drunk that he couldn't understand what I was saying. And I told him that if he would just act like he cared or would call me etc etc then I wouldn't be drinking. That it was his fault I was doing this. I haven't talked to him in two months. He couldn't handle dealing with an alcoholic on top of his own mental issues. I try to blame everything on him and while he was far from perfect... I made things a lot worse.
And sometimes I still do feel that way. I feel like if he hadn't broken my heart or if my brother had not died or if this or that or the other thing had not happened then I wouldn't be drinking.
I don't mean to be rude but you couldn't understand what it's like. I don't say that in a mean way, it's just a fact. You're not an alcoholic so you don't know how it feels. We want to deny it, we need to deny it. Admitting you have a problem with alcohol is not easy. Even if its obvious. Even if we KNOW it's obvious. Knowing it and admitting it and truly ACCEPTING it are two COMPLETELY different things.
I know it must be really really difficult to be on your end. But I can tell you from being on the alcoholic end that it isn't easy for us. And it has nothing to do with you. We just like to find any way we can to deny it.
Hugs,
Lulu
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
I know it must be really really difficult to be on your end. But I can tell you from being on the alcoholic end that it isn't easy for us. And it has nothing to do with you. We just like to find any way we can to deny it.
Someone- your honesty is to be admired. Thank you for your point of view.
I will say that, for me, focusing on how difficult life was for my XA, all of the pain he was in, combat ptsd ...alcoholism, was how I totally lost myself.
The walking on eggshells because I didn't want him to hurt anymore.
It is VERY difficult for me to care about how he feels any longer because he doesn't give a damn about how I feel. He got what he wanted, lied when he needed to, cut me out when he couldn't cope and showed affection to someone else while I cried for months and months.
So, just for me, I no longer care to think about how difficult it is for him, when i've been comforting myself when it has been so difficult for me.
I hope that makes sense, and doesn't come across as rude either
Someone- your honesty is to be admired. Thank you for your point of view.
I will say that, for me, focusing on how difficult life was for my XA, all of the pain he was in, combat ptsd ...alcoholism, was how I totally lost myself.
The walking on eggshells because I didn't want him to hurt anymore.
It is VERY difficult for me to care about how he feels any longer because he doesn't give a damn about how I feel. He got what he wanted, lied when he needed to, cut me out when he couldn't cope and showed affection to someone else while I cried for months and months.
So, just for me, I no longer care to think about how difficult it is for him, when i've been comforting myself when it has been so difficult for me.
I hope that makes sense, and doesn't come across as rude either
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Boston, MA (Mattapan) Legit ghetto but I love it
Posts: 174
Originally Posted by lulu1974
Your heartfelt post made my whole night. You are right they go thru pain too. I often forget that and think only how it affects me. I could never understand the irrational choices and decisions he made. I guess I never will. I hope you post here more. It so helps to hear the other side for me. You werent rude at all. It was a humble explanation that I truly respected. Thank u.
Hugs,
Lulu
Hugs,
Lulu
I love my ex. More than anything in the world. He didn't want to be and couldn't be with me and most of that is simply because he has his own personal issues (PTSD) and I was adding way too much extra stress mostly because of my drinking.
People face pain every day. But not everyone drinks. Facing pain and hard ship isn't an excuse for drinking. And it isn't an excuse for treating someone badly. I can't tell you why your husband makes the choices he does. I don't know why I make the choices I do. I hate hurting the people I love but at the same time I can't stop for them. I have to quit drinking for me.
I hope things get better for you soon. Maybe you should do what my ex did with me. Just... take a break or give him space to work things out for himself. As much as I'm sure he doesn't like hurting you he probably can't help it right now. So you gotta worry about yourself. Work on getting yourself to a good place.
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Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
Originally Posted by SomeoneSomwhere
Yay! It makes my night that I made yours =)
I love my ex. More than anything in the world. He didn't want to be and couldn't be with me and most of that is simply because he has his own personal issues (PTSD) and I was adding way too much extra stress mostly because of my drinking.
People face pain every day. But not everyone drinks. Facing pain and hard ship isn't an excuse for drinking. And it isn't an excuse for treating someone badly. I can't tell you why your husband makes the choices he does. I don't know why I make the choices I do. I hate hurting the people I love but at the same time I can't stop for them. I have to quit drinking for me.
I hope things get better for you soon. Maybe you should do what my ex did with me. Just... take a break or give him space to work things out for himself. As much as I'm sure he doesn't like hurting you he probably can't help it right now. So you gotta worry about yourself. Work on getting yourself to a good place.
I love my ex. More than anything in the world. He didn't want to be and couldn't be with me and most of that is simply because he has his own personal issues (PTSD) and I was adding way too much extra stress mostly because of my drinking.
People face pain every day. But not everyone drinks. Facing pain and hard ship isn't an excuse for drinking. And it isn't an excuse for treating someone badly. I can't tell you why your husband makes the choices he does. I don't know why I make the choices I do. I hate hurting the people I love but at the same time I can't stop for them. I have to quit drinking for me.
I hope things get better for you soon. Maybe you should do what my ex did with me. Just... take a break or give him space to work things out for himself. As much as I'm sure he doesn't like hurting you he probably can't help it right now. So you gotta worry about yourself. Work on getting yourself to a good place.
We did have no contact for a month but I am going back to NC for a while this time. Its for me I am doing this, Not for him though..You have no idea how much you helped me.
Hugs
Lulu
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Germany
Posts: 2,058
Lulu as a recovering alcoholic, well I have to say that described me very much so. I have a dependency on alcohol until I met my ex. We went through a difficult time together that I was unable to move beyond.
I couldn't forgive him or myself really and I began drinking to numb pain, to hold my emotions in, to just not care. I hated myself and instead of getting out of my lifeless marriage....I chose to stay but under the care of the bottle. My ex was verbally/mentally abuse.
Most of which was just him not being able to empathize or understand my pain and just being an unsupportive person. The later years were because of my drinking. I turned into a monster as far as not caring. I didn't care if I woke up each day and I hated him if he dare questioned my drinking or suggested I get help. I literally went to hell in a handbag.
We finally divorced and I hit the bottle harder. There was nothing anyone could have really said or done to stop me because an alcoholic has to first realize they have a problem.
I am truthfully blessed that my marriage ended because we were never right and as long as I was in that mess then I was never going to acknowledge my addiction to the beast known as alcohol.
I went on to meet a wonderful who knew and understood my drinking. I had cut way down and was trying very hard to quit. He hadn't seen the hateful....self-loathing drunk but what he saw was someone who drank at home daily, who was full of anxiety/panic attacks, who passed out at movies, who would offer no conversation because she was too busy focusing on getting her fix.
Finally my hubby told me how he felt about my drinking and it home. I loved this man with all my heart but I had allowed my addiction to come into my new marriage and it was still controlling me.
With the help of SR, support from my wonderful partner and counseling.....I quit the bottle cold turkey in January. Had a few week relapse in April and got back up and am now 3 weeks sober and will never drink again.
Alcoholics will always find just cause in their lives for drinking. I looked for every and any excuse to drink. It was more important to me then showering, cooking, spending time with family. It consumed me.
Be strong my friend. Until the alcoholic accepts their addiction and begins their daily struggle for sobriety (yes it that difficult) there is not much anyone really can do for them.
Huggs.
I couldn't forgive him or myself really and I began drinking to numb pain, to hold my emotions in, to just not care. I hated myself and instead of getting out of my lifeless marriage....I chose to stay but under the care of the bottle. My ex was verbally/mentally abuse.
Most of which was just him not being able to empathize or understand my pain and just being an unsupportive person. The later years were because of my drinking. I turned into a monster as far as not caring. I didn't care if I woke up each day and I hated him if he dare questioned my drinking or suggested I get help. I literally went to hell in a handbag.
We finally divorced and I hit the bottle harder. There was nothing anyone could have really said or done to stop me because an alcoholic has to first realize they have a problem.
I am truthfully blessed that my marriage ended because we were never right and as long as I was in that mess then I was never going to acknowledge my addiction to the beast known as alcohol.
I went on to meet a wonderful who knew and understood my drinking. I had cut way down and was trying very hard to quit. He hadn't seen the hateful....self-loathing drunk but what he saw was someone who drank at home daily, who was full of anxiety/panic attacks, who passed out at movies, who would offer no conversation because she was too busy focusing on getting her fix.
Finally my hubby told me how he felt about my drinking and it home. I loved this man with all my heart but I had allowed my addiction to come into my new marriage and it was still controlling me.
With the help of SR, support from my wonderful partner and counseling.....I quit the bottle cold turkey in January. Had a few week relapse in April and got back up and am now 3 weeks sober and will never drink again.
Alcoholics will always find just cause in their lives for drinking. I looked for every and any excuse to drink. It was more important to me then showering, cooking, spending time with family. It consumed me.
Be strong my friend. Until the alcoholic accepts their addiction and begins their daily struggle for sobriety (yes it that difficult) there is not much anyone really can do for them.
Huggs.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Sorry i dont normally post here but cant keep quiet...as it is alcoholics in f&f day:-)
I am a recovered alcoholic through the steps of AA and having had a spiritual awakening (a drastic personality change if you prefer). I was in a relationship with a lady for the last 6 years of my drinking and a fair few before...
I can absolutely assure you that the active or dry alcoholic is a totally selfish, uncaring, egotistical, self seeking creature. It is irrelevant who the alcoholic is with, if the partner (hostage/victim) hadn't come along when they did it would be someone else. The alcoholic is incapable of feeling true love because they don't understand what it means, every 'love' they have comes with a set of conditions which are completely unreasonable for any human being to live up to...so when the partner does not fix them and after the euporia of the new relationship`, things get bad!
The poor partner sticks around beyond the initial honeymoon period because the alcoholic is, in that initial time, the perfect partner...this is the person the partner has fallen in love with but this person is an act and not the real them, it is learned behaviour that the alcoholic uses to get what they want which ranges from approval to ego fulfillment. So along with the new partner not being able to fix the alcoholic, the alcoholic also has the exhausting task of trying to keep the act up so they start to resent the partner even more...
You mentioned how do other people not see the alcoholic for what they are...because they only see him in short bursts or when it is convenient for the alcoholic, so friends and business aquaintances etc think they are the best thing since sliced bread. Once again through trial and error the alcoholic has learned what responses and reactions others like and he acts out whoever that person wants him to be...again making him the perfect 'friend' or aquaintance.
Does the alcoholic know they are doing all this? Of course they do to varying degrees from just don't care to not knowing a better way. But that doesn't matter, the rationalisation process is perfect...if only it had not been for the alcohol they would never have done the things they did or be the person that they are...of course the partner concurs, alcohol is the demon...their perfect partner, that was, or the act that the alcoholic put on is taken by the alcoholc and changed!
So the alcoholic stops drinking for their partner, job, baby...once again after the initial act and euphoria the alcoholic notices that nothing has changed, they still have the guilt, remourse, crazy thinking, racing mind etc so now we have an active alcoholic who is dry...the partner may think that it is better withoutthe alcoholic drinking or may even yearn for them to return to it to get away from having to walk on egg shells all the time and the constant mood swings...now the alcoholic can be resentful at the partner for not fixing them all the time they were drinking, for making them keep an act up and now for ruining their recovery or even identifying the partner as the problem all along, because they don't drink anymore so it is inconceivable that they might have been that messed up person before they picked up a bottle...happy days!
All that said alcoholics do recover! From what i have read and learned in real life through people with 20 years plus sobriety it is less than 2% (and thats a generous stat), the percentage is for alcoholics who actually do something, e.g. counselling, rehab, AA, SMART, antabuse etc...add all the ones who do nothing but put the bottle down out there and the percentage would be lower. It is a lot of work and you have to be willing to do whatever it takes to recover but it does happen and im sure everyone would agree that it is a miracle when it does (just look at stats!)...
Now as for the universal law of like attracts like, that is for the different groups:-)
I am a recovered alcoholic through the steps of AA and having had a spiritual awakening (a drastic personality change if you prefer). I was in a relationship with a lady for the last 6 years of my drinking and a fair few before...
I can absolutely assure you that the active or dry alcoholic is a totally selfish, uncaring, egotistical, self seeking creature. It is irrelevant who the alcoholic is with, if the partner (hostage/victim) hadn't come along when they did it would be someone else. The alcoholic is incapable of feeling true love because they don't understand what it means, every 'love' they have comes with a set of conditions which are completely unreasonable for any human being to live up to...so when the partner does not fix them and after the euporia of the new relationship`, things get bad!
The poor partner sticks around beyond the initial honeymoon period because the alcoholic is, in that initial time, the perfect partner...this is the person the partner has fallen in love with but this person is an act and not the real them, it is learned behaviour that the alcoholic uses to get what they want which ranges from approval to ego fulfillment. So along with the new partner not being able to fix the alcoholic, the alcoholic also has the exhausting task of trying to keep the act up so they start to resent the partner even more...
You mentioned how do other people not see the alcoholic for what they are...because they only see him in short bursts or when it is convenient for the alcoholic, so friends and business aquaintances etc think they are the best thing since sliced bread. Once again through trial and error the alcoholic has learned what responses and reactions others like and he acts out whoever that person wants him to be...again making him the perfect 'friend' or aquaintance.
Does the alcoholic know they are doing all this? Of course they do to varying degrees from just don't care to not knowing a better way. But that doesn't matter, the rationalisation process is perfect...if only it had not been for the alcohol they would never have done the things they did or be the person that they are...of course the partner concurs, alcohol is the demon...their perfect partner, that was, or the act that the alcoholic put on is taken by the alcoholc and changed!
So the alcoholic stops drinking for their partner, job, baby...once again after the initial act and euphoria the alcoholic notices that nothing has changed, they still have the guilt, remourse, crazy thinking, racing mind etc so now we have an active alcoholic who is dry...the partner may think that it is better withoutthe alcoholic drinking or may even yearn for them to return to it to get away from having to walk on egg shells all the time and the constant mood swings...now the alcoholic can be resentful at the partner for not fixing them all the time they were drinking, for making them keep an act up and now for ruining their recovery or even identifying the partner as the problem all along, because they don't drink anymore so it is inconceivable that they might have been that messed up person before they picked up a bottle...happy days!
All that said alcoholics do recover! From what i have read and learned in real life through people with 20 years plus sobriety it is less than 2% (and thats a generous stat), the percentage is for alcoholics who actually do something, e.g. counselling, rehab, AA, SMART, antabuse etc...add all the ones who do nothing but put the bottle down out there and the percentage would be lower. It is a lot of work and you have to be willing to do whatever it takes to recover but it does happen and im sure everyone would agree that it is a miracle when it does (just look at stats!)...
Now as for the universal law of like attracts like, that is for the different groups:-)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
Originally Posted by yeahgr8
Sorry i dont normally post here but cant keep quiet...as it is alcoholics in f&f day:-)
I am a recovered alcoholic through the steps of AA and having had a spiritual awakening (a drastic personality change if you prefer). I was in a relationship with a lady for the last 6 years of my drinking and a fair few before...
I can absolutely assure you that the active or dry alcoholic is a totally selfish, uncaring, egotistical, self seeking creature. It is irrelevant who the alcoholic is with, if the partner (hostage/victim) hadn't come along when they did it would be someone else. The alcoholic is incapable of feeling true love because they don't understand what it means, every 'love' they have comes with a set of conditions which are completely unreasonable for any human being to live up to...so when the partner does not fix them and after the euporia of the new relationship`, things get bad!
The poor partner sticks around beyond the initial honeymoon period because the alcoholic is, in that initial time, the perfect partner...this is the person the partner has fallen in love with but this person is an act and not the real them, it is learned behaviour that the alcoholic uses to get what they want which ranges from approval to ego fulfillment. So along with the new partner not being able to fix the alcoholic, the alcoholic also has the exhausting task of trying to keep the act up so they start to resent the partner even more...
You mentioned how do other people not see the alcoholic for what they are...because they only see him in short bursts or when it is convenient for the alcoholic, so friends and business aquaintances etc think they are the best thing since sliced bread. Once again through trial and error the alcoholic has learned what responses and reactions others like and he acts out whoever that person wants him to be...again making him the perfect 'friend' or aquaintance.
Does the alcoholic know they are doing all this? Of course they do to varying degrees from just don't care to not knowing a better way. But that doesn't matter, the rationalisation process is perfect...if only it had not been for the alcohol they would never have done the things they did or be the person that they are...of course the partner concurs, alcohol is the demon...their perfect partner, that was, or the act that the alcoholic put on is taken by the alcoholc and changed!
So the alcoholic stops drinking for their partner, job, baby...once again after the initial act and euphoria the alcoholic notices that nothing has changed, they still have the guilt, remourse, crazy thinking, racing mind etc so now we have an active alcoholic who is dry...the partner may think that it is better withoutthe alcoholic drinking or may even yearn for them to return to it to get away from having to walk on egg shells all the time and the constant mood swings...now the alcoholic can be resentful at the partner for not fixing them all the time they were drinking, for making them keep an act up and now for ruining their recovery or even identifying the partner as the problem all along, because they don't drink anymore so it is inconceivable that they might have been that messed up person before they picked up a bottle...happy days!
All that said alcoholics do recover! From what i have read and learned in real life through people with 20 years plus sobriety it is less than 2% (and thats a generous stat), the percentage is for alcoholics who actually do something, e.g. counselling, rehab, AA, SMART, antabuse etc...add all the ones who do nothing but put the bottle down out there and the percentage would be lower. It is a lot of work and you have to be willing to do whatever it takes to recover but it does happen and im sure everyone would agree that it is a miracle when it does (just look at stats!)...
Now as for the universal law of like attracts like, that is for the different groups:-)
I am a recovered alcoholic through the steps of AA and having had a spiritual awakening (a drastic personality change if you prefer). I was in a relationship with a lady for the last 6 years of my drinking and a fair few before...
I can absolutely assure you that the active or dry alcoholic is a totally selfish, uncaring, egotistical, self seeking creature. It is irrelevant who the alcoholic is with, if the partner (hostage/victim) hadn't come along when they did it would be someone else. The alcoholic is incapable of feeling true love because they don't understand what it means, every 'love' they have comes with a set of conditions which are completely unreasonable for any human being to live up to...so when the partner does not fix them and after the euporia of the new relationship`, things get bad!
The poor partner sticks around beyond the initial honeymoon period because the alcoholic is, in that initial time, the perfect partner...this is the person the partner has fallen in love with but this person is an act and not the real them, it is learned behaviour that the alcoholic uses to get what they want which ranges from approval to ego fulfillment. So along with the new partner not being able to fix the alcoholic, the alcoholic also has the exhausting task of trying to keep the act up so they start to resent the partner even more...
You mentioned how do other people not see the alcoholic for what they are...because they only see him in short bursts or when it is convenient for the alcoholic, so friends and business aquaintances etc think they are the best thing since sliced bread. Once again through trial and error the alcoholic has learned what responses and reactions others like and he acts out whoever that person wants him to be...again making him the perfect 'friend' or aquaintance.
Does the alcoholic know they are doing all this? Of course they do to varying degrees from just don't care to not knowing a better way. But that doesn't matter, the rationalisation process is perfect...if only it had not been for the alcohol they would never have done the things they did or be the person that they are...of course the partner concurs, alcohol is the demon...their perfect partner, that was, or the act that the alcoholic put on is taken by the alcoholc and changed!
So the alcoholic stops drinking for their partner, job, baby...once again after the initial act and euphoria the alcoholic notices that nothing has changed, they still have the guilt, remourse, crazy thinking, racing mind etc so now we have an active alcoholic who is dry...the partner may think that it is better withoutthe alcoholic drinking or may even yearn for them to return to it to get away from having to walk on egg shells all the time and the constant mood swings...now the alcoholic can be resentful at the partner for not fixing them all the time they were drinking, for making them keep an act up and now for ruining their recovery or even identifying the partner as the problem all along, because they don't drink anymore so it is inconceivable that they might have been that messed up person before they picked up a bottle...happy days!
All that said alcoholics do recover! From what i have read and learned in real life through people with 20 years plus sobriety it is less than 2% (and thats a generous stat), the percentage is for alcoholics who actually do something, e.g. counselling, rehab, AA, SMART, antabuse etc...add all the ones who do nothing but put the bottle down out there and the percentage would be lower. It is a lot of work and you have to be willing to do whatever it takes to recover but it does happen and im sure everyone would agree that it is a miracle when it does (just look at stats!)...
Now as for the universal law of like attracts like, that is for the different groups:-)
Hugs
Lulu
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Germany
Posts: 2,058
Yeahgr8 definitely hit the nail on the head. When I drank, nothing mattered to me. I resented anyone who interfered with my relationship with the bottle. Man, I hated who I was.
I found myself finding every excuse to drink with my hubby. He is such a great man and has extreme tolerance but I would resent him coming home since I was drinking. If he was around when I went to liquor store. I just wanted to be alone and dwell on how my life is so bad and how everyone/everything was making me drink. I knew I was hurting my husband and I could see the pain and of course I would then turn to drinking again for comfort.
Drinking was a 24/7 pity party for me.
Since I have been sober....I actually asked my husband exactly how he felt when I drank to help me understand how others saw me and told me the following:
1. You weren't my wife anymore. You were a shell of what I know you to be.
2. I felt alone even if we were in the same room when you were drinking. You never talked to me or said anything except focus on the bottle.
3. We never did anything together and I had to do things alone because you were too drunk or passed out.
4. Watching you destroy yourself and become this person I hated.
He told me that if I had continued drinking that he would have had to make a choice to leave. He was praying I would go into treatment but knew that only I could make that decision for myself.
Huggs.
I found myself finding every excuse to drink with my hubby. He is such a great man and has extreme tolerance but I would resent him coming home since I was drinking. If he was around when I went to liquor store. I just wanted to be alone and dwell on how my life is so bad and how everyone/everything was making me drink. I knew I was hurting my husband and I could see the pain and of course I would then turn to drinking again for comfort.
Drinking was a 24/7 pity party for me.
Since I have been sober....I actually asked my husband exactly how he felt when I drank to help me understand how others saw me and told me the following:
1. You weren't my wife anymore. You were a shell of what I know you to be.
2. I felt alone even if we were in the same room when you were drinking. You never talked to me or said anything except focus on the bottle.
3. We never did anything together and I had to do things alone because you were too drunk or passed out.
4. Watching you destroy yourself and become this person I hated.
He told me that if I had continued drinking that he would have had to make a choice to leave. He was praying I would go into treatment but knew that only I could make that decision for myself.
Huggs.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
Originally Posted by naive
thanks so much everyone. so helpful to hear it from the other side. it explains much.
naive
naive
Hugs
Lulu
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Wonderful sharing here from everyone. Wow!! Highly supportive and educational thread. I learned new things today. Thank you 
Would make a great stickie for newbies to read. Beautifully honest messages from alcoholics to loved ones.
Bravo!
Alice
Would make a great stickie for newbies to read. Beautifully honest messages from alcoholics to loved ones.
Bravo!
Alice
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
So the alcoholic stops drinking for their partner, job, baby...once again after the initial act and euphoria the alcoholic notices that nothing has changed, they still have the guilt, remourse, crazy thinking, racing mind etc so now we have an active alcoholic who is dry...the partner may think that it is better withoutthe alcoholic drinking or may even yearn for them to return to it to get away from having to walk on egg shells all the time and the constant mood swings...now the alcoholic can be resentful at the partner for not fixing them all the time they were drinking, for making them keep an act up and now for ruining their recovery or even identifying the partner as the problem all along, because they don't drink anymore so it is inconceivable that they might have been that messed up person before they picked up a bottle...happy days!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Somewhere cold and flat
Posts: 148
Originally Posted by Kmber2010
Finally my hubby told me how he felt about my drinking and it home. I loved this man with all my heart but I had allowed my addiction to come into my new marriage and it was still controlling me.
With the help of SR, support from my wonderful partner and counseling.....I quit the bottle cold turkey in January. Had a few week relapse in April and got back up and am now 3 weeks sober and will never drink again.
With the help of SR, support from my wonderful partner and counseling.....I quit the bottle cold turkey in January. Had a few week relapse in April and got back up and am now 3 weeks sober and will never drink again.
aboutdone
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midwest
Posts: 191
Lulu,
When my RXAH went through rehab, he was asked to write a list of 10 positive things about himself. He could only come up with about 3, which were very conceited and egotistical, but at least they were positives.
He asked some fellow rehabbers to help him. There was one gal there who wasn't accepting that she belonged there, and he seemed to be very close to her. She left the conversation, and came back awhile later, and handed him a paper completely full of positives, things like he was a good father, a good husband, a good provider, a good employee, he was nice, loyal, worthy, good looking, etc.
He couldn't wait to show me, that these individuals seen the good in him, why the hell couldn't I??? Um, well, lets see, I am the one who paid the bills because you didn't, I am the one who scheduled visitation with your children, because you wouldn't, I am the one who would drive you to work, and force you out of the car because you didn't want to go, I am the one who had our baby on my own, while you were on a 6 week binge hiatus only God knows where, and I am the one always left holding the bag, well, gee Dear, I can certainly see where I have been so wrong in my opinion. How dare me. LOL.
Honestly, we are all God's creatures, and yes we all have positive attributes, however my EX (currently my BF) is almost a year sober, and I can't say that he has mastered any of these things. I CAN say, some days, he really does try his best at doing what is right, and as of right now he does what I call replacement behavior. He focuses on improving one area at a time, and in the meantime, another bad trait arises. The latest, is interrupting me, or talking over me constantly. It is quite irritating.
All in all, everyone has good in them, just depends on the person themselves to let it shine through. Sometimes some individuals are so caught up in addiction, or in self pity, or self loathing for putting up with the addicted, that they don't let it shine through.
When my RXAH went through rehab, he was asked to write a list of 10 positive things about himself. He could only come up with about 3, which were very conceited and egotistical, but at least they were positives.
He asked some fellow rehabbers to help him. There was one gal there who wasn't accepting that she belonged there, and he seemed to be very close to her. She left the conversation, and came back awhile later, and handed him a paper completely full of positives, things like he was a good father, a good husband, a good provider, a good employee, he was nice, loyal, worthy, good looking, etc.
He couldn't wait to show me, that these individuals seen the good in him, why the hell couldn't I??? Um, well, lets see, I am the one who paid the bills because you didn't, I am the one who scheduled visitation with your children, because you wouldn't, I am the one who would drive you to work, and force you out of the car because you didn't want to go, I am the one who had our baby on my own, while you were on a 6 week binge hiatus only God knows where, and I am the one always left holding the bag, well, gee Dear, I can certainly see where I have been so wrong in my opinion. How dare me. LOL.
Honestly, we are all God's creatures, and yes we all have positive attributes, however my EX (currently my BF) is almost a year sober, and I can't say that he has mastered any of these things. I CAN say, some days, he really does try his best at doing what is right, and as of right now he does what I call replacement behavior. He focuses on improving one area at a time, and in the meantime, another bad trait arises. The latest, is interrupting me, or talking over me constantly. It is quite irritating.
All in all, everyone has good in them, just depends on the person themselves to let it shine through. Sometimes some individuals are so caught up in addiction, or in self pity, or self loathing for putting up with the addicted, that they don't let it shine through.
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