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Old 05-03-2010, 11:58 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Breaking up with Alcoholic boyfriend

I am going to break up with my alcoholic boyfriend tonight. We have dated nearly a year and do not live together so it should not be hard from a logistical standpoint. However, I'm rather at a loss how to say it to him. He knows I have a problem with his drinking, however like most alcoholics he suffers from depression and anxiety so I just want to keep his upset to a minimum. Rather, I want to say it to him without pointing the finger at him or accusing him or anything like that. I am hoping I can get some help in this forum in order to choose the proper words and/or way to approach him.

This has all been new to me; there will be no next time.

Thanks for your help and support.
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Old 05-03-2010, 12:24 PM   #2 (permalink)
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I think that you should tell him straight out that you do not wish to see him anymore. That you do not want a boyfriend with an alcohol problem.

Are you open to dating him if he stops drinking? If not, then the above is all you need to say. You should be very direct.
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Old 05-03-2010, 12:29 PM   #3 (permalink)
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I would suggest keeping it about yourself, and not him. Keep it simple.

For instance "This relationship isn't working for me. I am stepping away from it. I wish you the best."

Not that exactly but you see my point. It is true. It is a statement about yourself. It is clear. It is to the point.

Do you have a plan as to how you are going to leave this conversation/meting? Hopefully you can set it up so that you can get out of the situation so you don't get entangled in lengthy 'debates' or 'discussions' etc. I'm not very good at that so I usually default to just repeating myself over and over. Not sure if that is a really great tactic or not but at least I know things won't get twisted and I won't say something I have to take back, or don't really mean, etc.

Ugh - always hard conversations. I'm so glad you are looking out for yourself though!!
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Old 05-03-2010, 12:33 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Yeah, why even bother bringing up the alcohol really. You've decided you don't want this, it's your business and bringing up his problems will only make him start to get on the defensive and a defensive alcohol usually then goes on the attack and turns things around, confuses and confounds in order to get you to do what he likes. If you keep it about you, then you will avoid this sort of unpleasant interaction that with most alcoholics is unwinnable.
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Old 05-03-2010, 12:40 PM   #5 (permalink)
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I admire you for have the courage to do this, it's not easy. I'd suggest to perhaps hand him a card with a note in it. It gives him something to look at and think of you. The idea is to remember that card and note, not the discussion that may come about after you start talking.

Just because your leaving him, doesn't mean you love him less. It's just where you are now. Take one day at a time after that.
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Old 05-03-2010, 01:45 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Thanks for your suggestions - they are most helpful. However, our date just got changed to Wednesday night (this is typical). I will have more time to stew about it now!
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Old 05-03-2010, 02:06 PM   #7 (permalink)
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or end it now. Just say "I don't want to go out with you anymore."
There is no reason to wait until Wednesday.
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Old 05-03-2010, 08:49 PM   #8 (permalink)
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The longer I waited, the harder it got, because i started to forget the reasons I wanted to break up with him. I found myself making excuses on why i should give him another chance, and he could see that, and took advantage of my weakness. Like Duped said, they are amazingly good at drawing you into long conversations, eventually convincing you that it's your fault the relationship hasn't worked yet. Then they will promise you they will quit drinking, do it for a couple of days, and then things go right back to the way they were.

Get out while you still can!!! I'm so glad I did!
Good luck, and please keep us posted!
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Old 05-03-2010, 08:54 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Why not just tell him you are not comfortable with his drinking? Remember that you are making you happy by ending this and there is nothing at all wrong with that.

Good luck!
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Old 05-03-2010, 09:44 PM   #10 (permalink)
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I wouldn't even go wednesday.
Good for you choosing a better life.
I especially like the part about NOT doing this again.
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Old 05-03-2010, 11:18 PM   #11 (permalink)
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It really depends on the kind of person he is and how he will respond. I just made the decision to break up with my ABF 1 1/2 weeks ago. It was tough, but he knew he has a problem with alchohol and wanted to get help. I told him that while he 'sorts himself out' he cannot be in a relationship as he's not focussing on himself 100%. In a helpful way I put it back on him. Lucky he is a reasonable guy so he responded well and did not get mad. I also pointed out much this was stressing me out that I was having trouble sleeping, concentrating etc and it was effecting me very negatively.

If it helps write some notes down to keep you level headed. Tell someone close when you intend to break up with him, where you do it and what time. Let them know asap if it went ok. Some men tend to react in voilent ways during breakups and its a good idea to minimise your chance of being harmed. Is there a friend that could sit in the other room (if its at your place) or if you go to his place, can a friend wait in the car?
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Old 05-03-2010, 11:33 PM   #12 (permalink)
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That answer was flippant and I apologize.

I think 'put it on a bumper sticker' is the best policy.
Alcoholics in our disease just can't HEAR more than a few words at a time.

Short Sweet but FINAL.

"I want something altogether different in life."
Whatever you come up with along those lines.

Honesty is great:

"I'm not happy and I don't want to be in a relationship with you."
Ba ZINGGG

If you don't WANT to mention the alcoholism then don't.

But I truly wouldn't wait until wednesday.

That's too much buildup.
Too long to make it much more than what it realoy is in our heads.

Just make a call and say however you want to word it.

You have the right to stop seeing someone without a lot of explanation.


I truly hope this is the only time for you.
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Old 05-04-2010, 05:12 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kittykitty View Post
The longer I waited, the harder it got, because i started to forget the reasons I wanted to break up with him. I found myself making excuses on why i should give him another chance, and he could see that, and took advantage of my weakness. Like Duped said, they are amazingly good at drawing you into long conversations, eventually convincing you that it's your fault the relationship hasn't worked yet. Then they will promise you they will quit drinking, do it for a couple of days, and then things go right back to the way they were.
This happened over and over for me. I would approach XGF with a matter and before you know it I would be thinking I was the blame. Simply amazing the stories are the same.

Do what you feel is best but remember these posts and advice.
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Old 05-04-2010, 06:43 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Alkies are astonishing actors and manipulators. Simply astonishing, I still get sucked in by my ex from time to time. I take the bait, but it's harder and harder for her now.
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Old 05-04-2010, 10:05 AM   #15 (permalink)
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I am with Barb. Do not wait any longer.
Simply call him back, and ask him to meet you in a coffee shop or something. Be gentle, be direct, but be firm.

"X, I am no longer willing to pursue this relationship with you. We have had some wonderful times, but I need to step back and re-assess my life and what I am doing. I am wishing you the best in your future. Please do not call me any longer. I have chosen to move forward on my own. Take Care."

And that's it. You do not need to explain what, where, why. You have simply decided to move on. And for me, I wouldn't mention the alcohol. He knows the REAL reason, and re-affirming it, only makes him defensive.

After you have said that, get up and leave. No more conversation, no drama. You have every right to control who you see, and when.

PS, I would also change my phone number before this goes down. NC means..NC.

Prayers going to you! I am proud of you for taking this step. But do NOT wait another day!
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Old 05-05-2010, 03:26 AM   #16 (permalink)
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How did you go?
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Old 05-05-2010, 10:55 AM   #17 (permalink)
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I am going tonight. Waiting until today probably wasn't ideal but I chose to wait and do it in person tonight. I will let you know. Thanks for all the encouragement.
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Old 05-05-2010, 12:54 PM   #18 (permalink)
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my best to you......i hate that we sound like we are the Break Up Cheerleaders...truly it's about YOU breaking FREE!

so, ya gonna let him pay for a nice steak dinner first??? kidding....sorry!


Make sure the bill is paid first!!!!
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Old 05-05-2010, 02:03 PM   #19 (permalink)
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I dated my xabf for about 8 months. When I left, I told him the truth. I told him that he needed to focus on getting himself well, that the pressure and stress of a relationship was obviously not helping (he more than once told me he drank because we fought, e.g. whenever we got into a fight, he was so stressed out he needed to drink), and that because he was struggling with addiction, he was not able to be there for me, which was causing me to suffer and hurt. He told me that his addiction had nothing to do with me, and he was right. Since it had nothing to do with me, it was important for me to stay out of it. So I did. I'm staying out of it.

Good luck.
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Old 05-05-2010, 03:07 PM   #20 (permalink)
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I really hope you dont fall for the 1001 Manipulation techniques to lure you back.

Stay away from the addict!!

As it is I am seeing XABF smiling as usual, Larger than Life and quite cocky.


Stay away from the addict!! goes for me, as well.


For some reason I feel a lot of sudden anger.


Let me go take some stairs to get the stress out.

Breakups and aftermaths and mourning sucks but it sucks more to be part of the alkie-codie dance.!!
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