Inner Peace vs. Represssion?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
Inner Peace vs. Represssion?
I need to ask how you know the difference because I really DO feel like I'm at a peaceful state most of the time--but it's usually when AH isn't around.
In another post I mentioned how I do feel that I can let his words flow over me without a reaction on my part. Then I promptly blew it Monday AND today. After I SAID I'm at peace in my life and with my choice to stay married all of a sudden I feel like I'm being tested!
I'm not going to go into why his behavior is all of a sudden setting me off like a 4th of July firecracker, or what he is doing specifically, but I just have to get a hold of myself.
So, I really am curious. How do you know when you really are reacting calmly and when you are repressing your feelings like the bubbles in a bottle of champagne, just ready to blow at any time?
In another post I mentioned how I do feel that I can let his words flow over me without a reaction on my part. Then I promptly blew it Monday AND today. After I SAID I'm at peace in my life and with my choice to stay married all of a sudden I feel like I'm being tested!
I'm not going to go into why his behavior is all of a sudden setting me off like a 4th of July firecracker, or what he is doing specifically, but I just have to get a hold of myself.
So, I really am curious. How do you know when you really are reacting calmly and when you are repressing your feelings like the bubbles in a bottle of champagne, just ready to blow at any time?
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
I have the same dilemma. Repression was a habit for me for so many years that when I'm happy now or contented I start to doubt myself!! Talking to my counsellor helped me get in touch with a lot of feelings I had been repressing (I didn't realise the extent of the rage I was still carrying after the divorce!). Counselling gave me a safe place and someone to talk with to help explore my feelings - I recommend it!
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
This is an excellent question, and I hope there is a lot of discussion in this thread.
I personally came to the conclusion that, while it is possible to detach, and build somewhat bomb-proof walls, what is the point of that in our one precious lifespan?
Why choose to live within touching distance of a toxin, when we are free to get to open space without having to live behind protective walls?
Just what kind of quality of lifespan is it to live detaching in a relationship... isn't the whole point of having a relationship to have a bond and to interact?
And when we are enmeshed in a detached dysfunctional relationship, we are taking up capacity we could be using in a HEALTHY, FUNCTIONAL relationship. There's only one parking space in this parking lot, and if it's full with a wreck, we cannot park anything else in that spot. When we cling to a partner or co-parent who is sick, we preclude the possibility of a different model for our children, for them to see another option, that this doesn't have to be the paradigm they grow up to embrace, subconsciously, because it's all they ever experienced.
I have personally come to the conclusion that detachment for a codie is a STAGE, like "functional" is a stage for the alcoholic. Further down the line from detachment is actually removing the proximity of the sickness/sick person/sick behaviors from our immediate daily life.
For me, I could only get to sophisticated repression through detachment - in this state a small trigger could cause an eruption of rage after periods of quiescence and peace. To truly get to inner peace, I had to remove the toxin, not detach from it.
I am interested to hear others' views and experiences on this excellent question.
CLMI
I personally came to the conclusion that, while it is possible to detach, and build somewhat bomb-proof walls, what is the point of that in our one precious lifespan?
Why choose to live within touching distance of a toxin, when we are free to get to open space without having to live behind protective walls?
Just what kind of quality of lifespan is it to live detaching in a relationship... isn't the whole point of having a relationship to have a bond and to interact?
And when we are enmeshed in a detached dysfunctional relationship, we are taking up capacity we could be using in a HEALTHY, FUNCTIONAL relationship. There's only one parking space in this parking lot, and if it's full with a wreck, we cannot park anything else in that spot. When we cling to a partner or co-parent who is sick, we preclude the possibility of a different model for our children, for them to see another option, that this doesn't have to be the paradigm they grow up to embrace, subconsciously, because it's all they ever experienced.
I have personally come to the conclusion that detachment for a codie is a STAGE, like "functional" is a stage for the alcoholic. Further down the line from detachment is actually removing the proximity of the sickness/sick person/sick behaviors from our immediate daily life.
For me, I could only get to sophisticated repression through detachment - in this state a small trigger could cause an eruption of rage after periods of quiescence and peace. To truly get to inner peace, I had to remove the toxin, not detach from it.
I am interested to hear others' views and experiences on this excellent question.
CLMI
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I think there are two forms of acceptance. One is acceptance of who our partners are. This form of acceptance and detachment can work together. I think we can reach detachment there. If we choose to stay there is one other form of acceptance - and that is to accept that this is our life. This is what we got and we are choosing not to change it, but to accept it. For me, that is a tougher nut to crack and works against the first one - and that is the on that led to repression for me. Denial, repression, and all the ugliness and pain that surround it. I honestly have no idea how to get around to that kind of acceptance.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Bangkok, Thailand
Posts: 48
Can't help either. I don't think I repressed. At first I was ignorant. That lead to a frantic search for the "cure". Then it became rage. There was definitely no repression when rage showed up. Inner peace is a new thing and that happened when the she went away for rehab.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
For me, there is no living with active alcoholism and having inner peace.
The two are contradictory for me.
Living with active alcoholism goes against my deepest beliefs, values, and personal boundaries.
That applied to my now deceased EXAH, and applies to my 32 year old AD.
The two are contradictory for me.
Living with active alcoholism goes against my deepest beliefs, values, and personal boundaries.
That applied to my now deceased EXAH, and applies to my 32 year old AD.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 108
there is no answer, except loving yourself. Thats very hard to do, and start off small. What is one thing you love about yourself? Sounds dumb, but, what is one? What do you like doing? If you cant think right now to answer, think along the lines, and you will have an answer. It might even be scrap booking, baking, or even just a simple dream to have friends, or a big dream to do a university degree, its just up to you. You can do it.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Ah, this is great. I love learning more and more about boundaries, my boundaries, and how to enforce them peacefully.
I am "triggered" into a state of reactionary madness by several people, starting with my mother who I disowned when I was 20.
For the last several years, in recovery, I've worked towards creating a sacred, peaceful state regardless of my surroundings. Worked on sorting out what the hell is wrong with me and how to best fix it. I"m getting better at it, but still just flat out avoid folks that I have a toxic reaction to. I'm not Gandhi. Not yet at least.
Maybe eventually I'll get to that place where I can be serene in the midst of a hurricane, but for now I choose to stay the hell away from folks who push my buttons so I can have enough of a foundation to work on myself.
I am "triggered" into a state of reactionary madness by several people, starting with my mother who I disowned when I was 20.
For the last several years, in recovery, I've worked towards creating a sacred, peaceful state regardless of my surroundings. Worked on sorting out what the hell is wrong with me and how to best fix it. I"m getting better at it, but still just flat out avoid folks that I have a toxic reaction to. I'm not Gandhi. Not yet at least.
Maybe eventually I'll get to that place where I can be serene in the midst of a hurricane, but for now I choose to stay the hell away from folks who push my buttons so I can have enough of a foundation to work on myself.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Fear of anger causes guilt. I do not want to add to my low self-worth by feeling guilt over an honest emotion. There is nothing wrong with me when I feel anger.
Anger isn't bad energy, but true emotional energy. It needs to be expressed in a healthy way. One healthy step is to acknowledge that it is present.
I am learning more about anger that keeps coming back. I try to determine if my anger is part of a grieving process (am I experiencing a loss). Is the anger from my codie triangle = rescue, persecute, victim? The anger that develops in codie persecution stage.
Is the anger from fear of something or someone?
Is the anger because I am not facing a part of me that wants to be acknowledged? (Steps 4 & 5 of Alanon may help in this case)
I know, that was a lot of questions. Not many answers. If the anger is alarming you, I recommend really looking for the root of the anger.
There is a chapter on Anger in Codependent No More. The following is from that chapter:
And we still wonder, "What's wrong with me?"
We can repeat it to ourselves as often as necessary: There's nothing wrong with us.
Like the book title says, Of Course You're Angry!
Of course we're that angry.
We're that steamed because anybody in his or her right mind would be that steamed.
An excellent quote from Marriage On the Rocks follows:
"You cannot live with active alcoholism without being profoundly affected. Any human being who is bombarded with what you've been bombarded with is to be commended for sheer survival. You deserve a medal for the mere fact that you're around to tell the story."
Anger is one profound effect of alcoholism. It is also an effect of many of the other compulsive disorders or problems codependents find themselves living with.
Anger isn't bad energy, but true emotional energy. It needs to be expressed in a healthy way. One healthy step is to acknowledge that it is present.
I am learning more about anger that keeps coming back. I try to determine if my anger is part of a grieving process (am I experiencing a loss). Is the anger from my codie triangle = rescue, persecute, victim? The anger that develops in codie persecution stage.
Is the anger from fear of something or someone?
Is the anger because I am not facing a part of me that wants to be acknowledged? (Steps 4 & 5 of Alanon may help in this case)
I know, that was a lot of questions. Not many answers. If the anger is alarming you, I recommend really looking for the root of the anger.
There is a chapter on Anger in Codependent No More. The following is from that chapter:
And we still wonder, "What's wrong with me?"
We can repeat it to ourselves as often as necessary: There's nothing wrong with us.
Like the book title says, Of Course You're Angry!
Of course we're that angry.
We're that steamed because anybody in his or her right mind would be that steamed.
An excellent quote from Marriage On the Rocks follows:
"You cannot live with active alcoholism without being profoundly affected. Any human being who is bombarded with what you've been bombarded with is to be commended for sheer survival. You deserve a medal for the mere fact that you're around to tell the story."
Anger is one profound effect of alcoholism. It is also an effect of many of the other compulsive disorders or problems codependents find themselves living with.
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