New to this board - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

lulu1974 · 03-10-2010, 01:22 PM

Hi everyone..I go to Alanon meetings but this is my first time here...My husband and I are separated since Sept.,he has been trying to reconcile with me for months and I was not really nice about it and really thought I wanted out..But I was really angry about the lies, the fraud, the 2 rehabs..I dont know. I thought it was a good thing to ask him to leave after he started drinking again..he went to rehab after I asked him to move out but I wanted to wait to make sure he would stay sober so he lived with family..fast forward..in the last month.he got his own apartment, wants nothing to do with me, says he is filing divorce and when I tried to see him he literally ran away from me. I am beyond hurt and speechless. But then I tell myself..this is the unreasonable behavior I have always seen. I am Catholic and dont want to get divorced but I got all weak in the last month and I was mad at myself for that. And what is even worse is..even though I stopped enabling him..he is now close with a family member that has taken over my role and doesnt believe in AA..he thinks he should just keep busy and get divorced and he will be better. I know he is still drinking and tries to quit all the time ..but suddenly..I got the ax after 10 years. We have been married for 3 years..I guess I shouldnt be surprised. I wish his family would stay out of our marriage and I asked them too..We will be fighting and he goes to his cousin's house and makes him answer the phone. I felt like an idiot cause then it makes me look foolish but I guess I deserve it for taking the bait. I asked the family member to stay out of our marriage nicely but he says my A asked him for help so he will help him..I dont understand any of this. I have a therapist and go to alanon..I am trying to work on myself..afraid of the doorbell in case I am being served divorce papers but I just wanted to vent. My hubby is a functional A so wasnt till I lived with him that I realized the extent of his drinking. Meanwhile I felt like I was going insane..He is online dating and everything and I feel like someone slapped me across the face. I am not allowed to talk to my own husband anymore. Seriously in shock over all these events..I have to wonder if this is another manipulation tactic or we are over. Guess it shouldnt matter. Thanks so much for listening

Summerpeach · 03-10-2010, 01:41 PM

Hi and welcome :-)

Do you think you may be in a panic because he took his control back and is not chasing after the marriage anymore and now that he's not wanting you, you want him back?

I did this dance a few times also. I would make the choice to leave and when he turned around and acted like he didn't want me back, I panicked and chased him.

If he's still drinking and dating other women, why would you want to work it out with him?

stella27 · 03-10-2010, 01:44 PM

Welcome Lulu.

Do you wish to remain married to him?
It might be a good idea to read up on addiction. Unless he seeks treatment and recovery, the way he is now is the best he will ever be. It sounds like things were bad enough that you did not want to keep living with him? That won't get better, so I think you are just fighting the idea that HE is detaching from you - forgetting that you choose not to live with him.

Divorce hurts and causes so many painful feelings, but you might try feeling that pain and learning from it, instead of keeping on trying to reach out to your AH. He can't and won't solve your broken heart over the end of your marriage.

Good luck.

lulu1974 · 03-10-2010, 01:46 PM

I dont know. I am not one to usually do that. I wlak away but being married I guess makes me feel differntly. There is something wrong with me. I dont know why I miss him and want contact. I havent figured that out yet

qwe · 03-10-2010, 01:53 PM

Hi Lulu,

Welcome and hugs. I am a newbie here so do not have much expertise to share; others vastly more knowledgeable will be by soon I am sure.

So glad you are going to Al-Anon, I find that really helps. SR also helps so much, there are so many people here who know our situations from both sides of the fence. Keep coming back and posting. Reading the many stories here I have also found help me a lot.

So sorry to read of your sitatuion, you must feel very hurt and anxious. My initial thinking, reading your story is that this may be another control tactic. Perhaps, given your Catholic, no-divorce stance, threatening you with it will bring you back in line where you will take him back and then let him continue with his preferred behaviours? On the other hand, if it is not a control tactic, and he is now dating, how do you feel about infidelity being added to the drinking? Just like with the drinking, we cannot control any of their behaviour, really. Hard and painful as that may be.

Take care and keep writing! More support coming, I'm sure of that, knowing this group!

veracious · 03-10-2010, 02:37 PM

I just want to say that i think its great that you are going to counseling and to alanon. I would also like to mention that you should remind yourself that the focus needs to be on you. It sounds like you are doing the same thing that i have caught myself doing and that is focusing on the other person. Trust me that he is going to be miserable no matter what he may be doing without you. He needs to heal and fix his own issues while you work on yours. Its not easy but it does help. When you truly start working on yourself you will realize what he does or doesnt do wont matter anymore. You need to love and take care of yourself if you dont who else will?

03-10-2010, 01:22 PM	#1 (permalink)
lulu1974 Member Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Reality, NJ Posts: 853	New to this board Hi everyone..I go to Alanon meetings but this is my first time here...My husband and I are separated since Sept.,he has been trying to reconcile with me for months and I was not really nice about it and really thought I wanted out..But I was really angry about the lies, the fraud, the 2 rehabs..I dont know. I thought it was a good thing to ask him to leave after he started drinking again..he went to rehab after I asked him to move out but I wanted to wait to make sure he would stay sober so he lived with family..fast forward..in the last month.he got his own apartment, wants nothing to do with me, says he is filing divorce and when I tried to see him he literally ran away from me. I am beyond hurt and speechless. But then I tell myself..this is the unreasonable behavior I have always seen. I am Catholic and dont want to get divorced but I got all weak in the last month and I was mad at myself for that. And what is even worse is..even though I stopped enabling him..he is now close with a family member that has taken over my role and doesnt believe in AA..he thinks he should just keep busy and get divorced and he will be better. I know he is still drinking and tries to quit all the time ..but suddenly..I got the ax after 10 years. We have been married for 3 years..I guess I shouldnt be surprised. I wish his family would stay out of our marriage and I asked them too..We will be fighting and he goes to his cousin's house and makes him answer the phone. I felt like an idiot cause then it makes me look foolish but I guess I deserve it for taking the bait. I asked the family member to stay out of our marriage nicely but he says my A asked him for help so he will help him..I dont understand any of this. I have a therapist and go to alanon..I am trying to work on myself..afraid of the doorbell in case I am being served divorce papers but I just wanted to vent. My hubby is a functional A so wasnt till I lived with him that I realized the extent of his drinking. Meanwhile I felt like I was going insane..He is online dating and everything and I feel like someone slapped me across the face. I am not allowed to talk to my own husband anymore. Seriously in shock over all these events..I have to wonder if this is another manipulation tactic or we are over. Guess it shouldnt matter. Thanks so much for listening

03-10-2010, 02:37 PM	#6 (permalink)
veracious Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: portland, oregon Posts: 59	Lulu I just want to say that i think its great that you are going to counseling and to alanon. I would also like to mention that you should remind yourself that the focus needs to be on you. It sounds like you are doing the same thing that i have caught myself doing and that is focusing on the other person. Trust me that he is going to be miserable no matter what he may be doing without you. He needs to heal and fix his own issues while you work on yours. Its not easy but it does help. When you truly start working on yourself you will realize what he does or doesnt do wont matter anymore. You need to love and take care of yourself if you dont who else will?

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03-10-2010, 01:41 PM	#2 (permalink)
Summerpeach Member Join Date: Feb 2010 Posts: 993	Hi and welcome :-) Do you think you may be in a panic because he took his control back and is not chasing after the marriage anymore and now that he's not wanting you, you want him back? I did this dance a few times also. I would make the choice to leave and when he turned around and acted like he didn't want me back, I panicked and chased him. If he's still drinking and dating other women, why would you want to work it out with him?

03-10-2010, 01:44 PM	#3 (permalink)
stella27 Member Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Southwest Posts: 827	Welcome Lulu. Do you wish to remain married to him? It might be a good idea to read up on addiction. Unless he seeks treatment and recovery, the way he is now is the best he will ever be. It sounds like things were bad enough that you did not want to keep living with him? That won't get better, so I think you are just fighting the idea that HE is detaching from you - forgetting that you choose not to live with him. Divorce hurts and causes so many painful feelings, but you might try feeling that pain and learning from it, instead of keeping on trying to reach out to your AH. He can't and won't solve your broken heart over the end of your marriage. Good luck.

03-10-2010, 01:46 PM	#4 (permalink)
lulu1974 Member Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Reality, NJ Posts: 853	I dont know. I am not one to usually do that. I wlak away but being married I guess makes me feel differntly. There is something wrong with me. I dont know why I miss him and want contact. I havent figured that out yet

03-10-2010, 01:53 PM	#5 (permalink)
qwe Member Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 56	Hi Lulu, Welcome and hugs. I am a newbie here so do not have much expertise to share; others vastly more knowledgeable will be by soon I am sure. So glad you are going to Al-Anon, I find that really helps. SR also helps so much, there are so many people here who know our situations from both sides of the fence. Keep coming back and posting. Reading the many stories here I have also found help me a lot. So sorry to read of your sitatuion, you must feel very hurt and anxious. My initial thinking, reading your story is that this may be another control tactic. Perhaps, given your Catholic, no-divorce stance, threatening you with it will bring you back in line where you will take him back and then let him continue with his preferred behaviours? On the other hand, if it is not a control tactic, and he is now dating, how do you feel about infidelity being added to the drinking? Just like with the drinking, we cannot control any of their behaviour, really. Hard and painful as that may be. Take care and keep writing! More support coming, I'm sure of that, knowing this group!

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