hoping for a sunny day(first timer) - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

betterday · 02-09-2010, 03:49 PM

First time here and hope can get some help from you all, it is a sad story... my boyfriend just broke up w me because I email his parents he is doing weed, heavy drinking and cocaine...

We had been together for 2 years, he is 22 in college and I am 20 year his senior own a successful business (please don't judge me by this, I do love him w all my heart). We met two summer ago, I know he is smoking weed then( the summer thing, he told me)and I am clean beside some drinking. When the school started he is still doing it and we argue a lot because of it...finally I gave in and start smoking w him on the weekend. His school is one hour away from me (we live in the same town though) and one day he told me he cant come over to see me because he has no gas money. I wire him $400 dollars(was going to wire $50, but he told me need some extra for future expenses) and find out he use that as his start up money to deal weed“so I can smoke you for free”, he said. During the first year, he party hard, I though which 21 years old don't? We try cocaine once when he push it and I told him that's it. He also told me if he ever want to try it within a month, I should stop him at all cause. Since he is so determined, I have no second though he will fall for it and never watch out for the sign.

We broke up last summer for 2 ½ month, because I told his parent he is dealing marijuana and I found a straw in his pocket. During 2 ½ month, he was drunk everyday, got a 19 years old girl pregnant and got a OVI. We get back after all the bad news, I drove him to school for a month since he cant drive after the OVI, at the mean time dealing w the hard fact that he is going to have a baby w another woman. Things calm down a lot for him. I guess because he is shocked on the messes he made and feeling the need to comfort me for it. We smoke moderate at my expenses...better than out of control on his own, I though.

Half years later he changed again, 3 month count down to the baby's due day( the pregnant girl still smoked and taking shots at bars, as I heard), he miss a lot of classes and I found a bag of power in his pocket last week. I knew he did it in the car, the restroom in the bars before when I am not watching, but never though it's serious... After holidays, he again party till throw up. For the first time since new years, I went down party w him, there were at least 4 time that night, his friends ask him to get some to snore. Later on that night, he did it right in front of me and first thing next morning, he is setting up pick up runs for cocaine. he also complaint about I wasn't buying him more drinks at the bar the night before after I already spend $60 that night and a total of $200 in four days for food( during the while time we are together, he claim is going to look for a job, but never did).

Couple weeks ago I went to a bar with him. He ask his friend for weed, then some girls who he don't even know their names. When everything failed, he told me the bartender must have some right before closing time.*

I know he get free cut every time he hook friends up w any kind of drugs and since he is the "go to guy", people like to buy him shots and party on. Last week when I ask him why doing it, he told me"why not, it is free". When I ask him about getting a job, he even told me there are about 6000 dollars left in savings and he will not find a job till that's gone. How can a guy had $20000 in saving by 21, willing to spend every hard earned penny he saved by 23? He told me he has no money to buy me Xmas gift, but 2 weeks after that he spent $45 for weed!!

I know email his parent probably not the smartest thing I can do since he break up w me last time because of it. But do I have a choice? Did I did the right thing? Is he really a addict or I just been a no-fun grow up? I know I broke the trust he share w me again, but hiding his problem for him is not what the love is, or is it?...just hoping for a sunny day...he and me...

stella27 · 02-09-2010, 03:56 PM

Why do you want to date a drug dealer?
Do you think he's going to stop because you or his parents make him?
How exactly can someone make him stop?

I think you are a no-fun grown-up and that will be your role with him as long as you are together. Not that there's anything wrong with that role - it just doesn't make you very popular with 20 year-old drug dealers.

Heck, that's the role I play and my AH and I are the same age.

anvilhead · 02-09-2010, 03:59 PM

hello and welcome. it sounds like being apart is probably the best thing, as he is way too involved in drinking and drugs and that's just not something you need in your life! he's young, impulsive and does not have a good track record for making good choices. it sounds like perhaps he was really happy to use your money, until you took a stand and then he bailed.

it may take some time, but i think this break might be just what you need!

Trying2Fly · 02-09-2010, 04:00 PM

Welcome to SR...it sounds like you're going through a lot, and I understand and feel your frustration.
It sounds like he is indeed an addict.
But really, what I think matters is whether or not you're willing to put up with his behavior. Unfortunately, addicts only care about themselves and their drug, and they will continue to do so until something within them makes them change.
I've been there, done that with my sister--emailed and called my parents to report that she's drunk, out of work, homeless, etc. etc. etc.--and it hasn't done any good. It has just left me emotionally drained and exhausted, while she continues to drink herself to death.
I got to a point where enough was enough, and I needed to distance myself from her. Do you think distancing yourself from your boyfriend might help you see things from a different perspective?

Gold · 02-09-2010, 04:03 PM

You say you love him. For me love is not enough.
There must be trust and respect as well. Love does not cocore all.

Wellcome to SR.

betterday · 02-09-2010, 04:09 PM

thank you all, some soft some hard, but you bring me to tears all the same.
I came to us 15 years ago and have no one here, that might explain why I am so stupid on this thing. I have no one , but you reply to my need within mins. Why we have to go through this, we just want to love and be loved...
thank you all.

FindingPeace1 · 02-09-2010, 04:16 PM

welcome, betterday!
They say there are 3 c's of alcoholism (and addiction):
You did not cause this.
You can not control this.
You can not change this.

So, he is who he is and you are who you are.
Do you deserve this behavior and treatment and abuse? No. Does anyone? No.
Do you believe that?
Do you believe you are worth more than this?

Consider going to a live Alanon meeting to get support.

Keep reading here and posting; it really helps.

Hugs,

Wife

***Pelican*** · 02-09-2010, 04:23 PM

Welcome to the SR family betterday!

You will find lots of support and wisdom here. I recommend the permanent (sticky) posts at the top of the forum.

This is from one of the sticky posts:
6. Need to be Needed

Maybe you get hooked by the sense of being depended upon or needed by your relationship partners. There is no reason to feel responsible for your relationship partners if they let you know that they are dependent upon and need you for their life to be successful and fulfilled. This is over‑dependency and is unhealthy. It is impossible to have healthy intimacy with overdependent people because there is no give and take. Your relationship partners could be parasites sucking you dry of everything you have intellectually, emotionally and physically. You get nothing in return except the "good feelings" of doing something for your relationship partners. You get no real healthy nurturing, rather you feel the weight of your relationship partners on your shoulders, neck and back. You give and give of yourself to address the needs of your relationship partners and you have nothing left to give to yourself. The rational message needed to establish healthy boundaries from this hook is: "It is unhealthy for me to be so overly depended upon by my relationship partners who are adults. There is a need for me to be clear what I am willing and not willing to do for my relationship partners. There is a need for my relationship partners to become more independent from me so that I can maintain my own sense of identity, worth and personhood. It would be better for me to let go of the need to be needed than to allow my relationship partners to continue to have such dependency on me. I am only responsible for taking care of myself. Human adults are responsible to accept personal responsibility for their own lives. Supporting my relationship partners intellectually, emotionally and physically where I have nothing left to give to myself is unhealthy and not required in healthy relationships and I will be ALERT to when I am doing this and try to stop it immediately."

I found that link under ABOUT RECOVERY< Hooks that keep you in boundaryless relationships. Here's the link:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tionships.html (Hooks which keep you boundary-less in relationships)

We're glad you found us!

betterday · 02-09-2010, 08:42 PM

I do feel a break from him is good and he is not going to talk to me anyway. The last thing he said when I called is "I never want to talk to you again", after he find out I email his parents. He must get a lot of **** from them.
What should I do now? just cut every thing off after 2 years? no contact at all?or at least make a last effort to let him understand I am doing this for him, I care about him and try to let him "unhate" me? It hurt me so much to think he will hate me forever for this.

02-09-2010, 03:49 PM	#1 (permalink)
betterday Member Join Date: Feb 2010 Posts: 24	hoping for a sunny day(first timer) First time here and hope can get some help from you all, it is a sad story... my boyfriend just broke up w me because I email his parents he is doing weed, heavy drinking and cocaine... We had been together for 2 years, he is 22 in college and I am 20 year his senior own a successful business (please don't judge me by this, I do love him w all my heart). We met two summer ago, I know he is smoking weed then( the summer thing, he told me)and I am clean beside some drinking. When the school started he is still doing it and we argue a lot because of it...finally I gave in and start smoking w him on the weekend. His school is one hour away from me (we live in the same town though) and one day he told me he cant come over to see me because he has no gas money. I wire him $400 dollars(was going to wire $50, but he told me need some extra for future expenses) and find out he use that as his start up money to deal weed“so I can smoke you for free”, he said. During the first year, he party hard, I though which 21 years old don't? We try cocaine once when he push it and I told him that's it. He also told me if he ever want to try it within a month, I should stop him at all cause. Since he is so determined, I have no second though he will fall for it and never watch out for the sign. We broke up last summer for 2 ½ month, because I told his parent he is dealing marijuana and I found a straw in his pocket. During 2 ½ month, he was drunk everyday, got a 19 years old girl pregnant and got a OVI. We get back after all the bad news, I drove him to school for a month since he cant drive after the OVI, at the mean time dealing w the hard fact that he is going to have a baby w another woman. Things calm down a lot for him. I guess because he is shocked on the messes he made and feeling the need to comfort me for it. We smoke moderate at my expenses...better than out of control on his own, I though. Half years later he changed again, 3 month count down to the baby's due day( the pregnant girl still smoked and taking shots at bars, as I heard), he miss a lot of classes and I found a bag of power in his pocket last week. I knew he did it in the car, the restroom in the bars before when I am not watching, but never though it's serious... After holidays, he again party till throw up. For the first time since new years, I went down party w him, there were at least 4 time that night, his friends ask him to get some to snore. Later on that night, he did it right in front of me and first thing next morning, he is setting up pick up runs for cocaine. he also complaint about I wasn't buying him more drinks at the bar the night before after I already spend $60 that night and a total of $200 in four days for food( during the while time we are together, he claim is going to look for a job, but never did). Couple weeks ago I went to a bar with him. He ask his friend for weed, then some girls who he don't even know their names. When everything failed, he told me the bartender must have some right before closing time.* I know he get free cut every time he hook friends up w any kind of drugs and since he is the "go to guy", people like to buy him shots and party on. Last week when I ask him why doing it, he told me"why not, it is free". When I ask him about getting a job, he even told me there are about 6000 dollars left in savings and he will not find a job till that's gone. How can a guy had $20000 in saving by 21, willing to spend every hard earned penny he saved by 23? He told me he has no money to buy me Xmas gift, but 2 weeks after that he spent $45 for weed!! I know email his parent probably not the smartest thing I can do since he break up w me last time because of it. But do I have a choice? Did I did the right thing? Is he really a addict or I just been a no-fun grow up? I know I broke the trust he share w me again, but hiding his problem for him is not what the love is, or is it?...just hoping for a sunny day...he and me...

02-09-2010, 04:00 PM	#4 (permalink)
Trying2Fly Member Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Somewhere, our planet Posts: 174	Welcome to SR...it sounds like you're going through a lot, and I understand and feel your frustration. It sounds like he is indeed an addict. But really, what I think matters is whether or not you're willing to put up with his behavior. Unfortunately, addicts only care about themselves and their drug, and they will continue to do so until something within them makes them change. I've been there, done that with my sister--emailed and called my parents to report that she's drunk, out of work, homeless, etc. etc. etc.--and it hasn't done any good. It has just left me emotionally drained and exhausted, while she continues to drink herself to death. I got to a point where enough was enough, and I needed to distance myself from her. Do you think distancing yourself from your boyfriend might help you see things from a different perspective? __________________ "The greatest meditation is a mind that lets go". "When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something's suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful".

02-09-2010, 04:16 PM	#7 (permalink)
FindingPeace1 Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: rural west Posts: 1,336 Blog Entries: 3	welcome, betterday! They say there are 3 c's of alcoholism (and addiction): You did not cause this. You can not control this. You can not change this. So, he is who he is and you are who you are. Do you deserve this behavior and treatment and abuse? No. Does anyone? No. Do you believe that? Do you believe you are worth more than this? Consider going to a live Alanon meeting to get support. Keep reading here and posting; it really helps. Hugs, Wife __________________ We are the ones we have been waiting for. - Alice Walker formerly named wifeofadrinker, now focusing on myself.

02-09-2010, 04:23 PM	#8 (permalink)
*Pelican* peaceful seabird Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: floating Posts: 3,642	Welcome to the SR family betterday! You will find lots of support and wisdom here. I recommend the permanent (sticky) posts at the top of the forum. This is from one of the sticky posts: 6. Need to be Needed Maybe you get hooked by the sense of being depended upon or needed by your relationship partners. There is no reason to feel responsible for your relationship partners if they let you know that they are dependent upon and need you for their life to be successful and fulfilled. This is over‑dependency and is unhealthy. It is impossible to have healthy intimacy with overdependent people because there is no give and take. Your relationship partners could be parasites sucking you dry of everything you have intellectually, emotionally and physically. You get nothing in return except the "good feelings" of doing something for your relationship partners. You get no real healthy nurturing, rather you feel the weight of your relationship partners on your shoulders, neck and back. You give and give of yourself to address the needs of your relationship partners and you have nothing left to give to yourself. The rational message needed to establish healthy boundaries from this hook is: "It is unhealthy for me to be so overly depended upon by my relationship partners who are adults. There is a need for me to be clear what I am willing and not willing to do for my relationship partners. There is a need for my relationship partners to become more independent from me so that I can maintain my own sense of identity, worth and personhood. It would be better for me to let go of the need to be needed than to allow my relationship partners to continue to have such dependency on me. I am only responsible for taking care of myself. Human adults are responsible to accept personal responsibility for their own lives. Supporting my relationship partners intellectually, emotionally and physically where I have nothing left to give to myself is unhealthy and not required in healthy relationships and I will be ALERT to when I am doing this and try to stop it immediately." I found that link under ABOUT RECOVERY< Hooks that keep you in boundaryless relationships. Here's the link: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tionships.html (Hooks which keep you boundary-less in relationships) We're glad you found us! __________________ "How does one become a butterfly?" she asked pensively. "You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar." Trina Paulus Hope for the Flowers

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02-09-2010, 03:56 PM	#2 (permalink)
stella27 Member Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Southwest Posts: 827	Why do you want to date a drug dealer? Do you think he's going to stop because you or his parents make him? How exactly can someone make him stop? I think you are a no-fun grown-up and that will be your role with him as long as you are together. Not that there's anything wrong with that role - it just doesn't make you very popular with 20 year-old drug dealers. Heck, that's the role I play and my AH and I are the same age.

02-09-2010, 03:59 PM	#3 (permalink)
anvilhead Member Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 14,576	hello and welcome. it sounds like being apart is probably the best thing, as he is way too involved in drinking and drugs and that's just not something you need in your life! he's young, impulsive and does not have a good track record for making good choices. it sounds like perhaps he was really happy to use your money, until you took a stand and then he bailed. it may take some time, but i think this break might be just what you need!

02-09-2010, 04:03 PM	#5 (permalink)
Gold Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Australia Posts: 285	You say you love him. For me love is not enough. There must be trust and respect as well. Love does not cocore all. Wellcome to SR.

02-09-2010, 04:09 PM	#6 (permalink)
betterday Member Join Date: Feb 2010 Posts: 24	thank you all, some soft some hard, but you bring me to tears all the same. I came to us 15 years ago and have no one here, that might explain why I am so stupid on this thing. I have no one , but you reply to my need within mins. Why we have to go through this, we just want to love and be loved... thank you all.

02-09-2010, 08:42 PM	#9 (permalink)
betterday Member Join Date: Feb 2010 Posts: 24	I do feel a break from him is good and he is not going to talk to me anyway. The last thing he said when I called is "I never want to talk to you again", after he find out I email his parents. He must get a lot of **** from them. What should I do now? just cut every thing off after 2 years? no contact at all?or at least make a last effort to let him understand I am doing this for him, I care about him and try to let him "unhate" me? It hurt me so much to think he will hate me forever for this.

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