Manipulation - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Trying2Fly · 02-08-2010, 09:35 PM

Feeling sad tonight, and angry. Alcoholic sister wrote me a lot of trash-talking emails (about me and my husband)--all the usual crap, that "we don't understand her", that our relationship with her is a "sham" and she is "beyond hurt by our treatment of her"--to which I did not respond and deleted them.
So then "Jane" decided to contact my mother-in-law via email (whom she's only met once and barely knows anyway); she apparently wrote my mother-in-law a long, rambling drunk email, saying how much me and my husband "hate her" and how she needs to get in contact with me because she has a sickness and "I don't love her enough". The usual blame game. It's everyone else's fault.
My mother-in-law deleted the email and told us she's not getting involved (good decision).
I just feel embarrassed and angry (at Jane) for trying to get to me through my mother-in-law. But I guess alcoholics will try anything, eh?
My parents continue to allow themselves to be manipulated by Jane. They give her money, they're putting her up in a hotel right now because--what a surprise--Jane is homeless and jobless.
So sick of all this crap.
Thanks for listening. Had to rant.

KeepPedaling · 02-09-2010, 12:18 AM

That sounds horrible. I hate that kind of manipulation, they try to get at you by getting at someone close to you. My parents continue to support my brother as well. I used to argue with them about it, but gave up a few years ago. It's their money I guess. It's just such a same. I feel so bad for them. I'm sure your parents are just doing what they can to get through the heartbreak.
Hang in there. Hugs and hugs.

...I'm being phone bombed by my drunk boyfriendexboyfriend right now....ugh

Jadmack25 · 02-09-2010, 06:03 AM

Boy do they ever have it down pat. My XAH rang my mum, friends, my parish priest, my doctor and the Police Inspector and went on about me being kicked out by him, because I was "having it off with some dero's and needed to be set straight".

As he was in his usual slurry, agro and foul mouthed state after 4 litres or so of wine, his remarks were taken for what they were, the spewing of an angry, scared and brain fried man. It only happened that one week, but upset me no end, and totally blew his carefully hidden alcohol problem and good reputation, out of the water.

There is nothing you can do, but shrug your shoulders, feel pity for them and leave it be.

God bless

stella27 · 02-09-2010, 08:28 AM

She sounds like the typical "drowning man" - flailing around and trying to take you all down with her. Wow.

GiveLove · 02-09-2010, 09:04 AM

You're doing all the right things, trying2fly. Sorry you're still catching some flak from her flailing, though. Rant away!!

nodaybut2day · 02-09-2010, 09:24 AM

You're right to let it slide off your back; your sister is doing what you expect--blame-shifting for all she's worth. Poor her.

When XAH does this kind of crap to me, I try to remember my mantra:
"La pluie de tes insultes n'atteint pas le parapluie de mon indifférence" (the storm of your insults cannot penetrate the umbrella of my indifference).

dreamstones · 02-09-2010, 11:06 AM

trying2fly,

We're all here for you to rant, rant away!

It is amazing the emotional energy WE ALL go through with our alcohol/drug dependent loved ones, that is why we need Al-Anon, places like this such as SR.com, good friends, the Good book, and strategically placed punching bags throughout our homes to punch when we are reeling from the effects of the alcoholic in our lives.

Hang in there, focus on you, not the crazy stuff your AS is doing, or how your parents enable her, or any of the other stuff. I know, easier said then done sometimes, but it does work, trust me, been in your shoes as well in dealing with my AS. I used to flip out because my Mom does the same thing, they will never hit their rock bottom to seek help. My sis has been sober about 2 months now, it was after my Mom hit her rock bottom and realized her "kindness" was killing sister, not helping and sister finally asked for help on her own.

Take care and focus on what you can control.

Trying2Fly · 02-09-2010, 03:53 PM

Thanks everyone. It's frustrating, yes. I'm taking a break. No contact. No drama.

Spiritual Seeker · 02-09-2010, 04:43 PM

sometimes the only thing we can do is detach- sometimes in silence and sometimes in anger.

It takes some work on our own part to be able to get to compassion and to be able to communicate w/o anger, enabling, manipulation, etc.
In the meantime just have faith and hope that your sis will choose to get well one day as will your parents and the whole family dynamic.

02-08-2010, 09:35 PM	#1 (permalink)
Trying2Fly Member Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Somewhere, our planet Posts: 174	Manipulation Feeling sad tonight, and angry. Alcoholic sister wrote me a lot of trash-talking emails (about me and my husband)--all the usual crap, that "we don't understand her", that our relationship with her is a "sham" and she is "beyond hurt by our treatment of her"--to which I did not respond and deleted them. So then "Jane" decided to contact my mother-in-law via email (whom she's only met once and barely knows anyway); she apparently wrote my mother-in-law a long, rambling drunk email, saying how much me and my husband "hate her" and how she needs to get in contact with me because she has a sickness and "I don't love her enough". The usual blame game. It's everyone else's fault. My mother-in-law deleted the email and told us she's not getting involved (good decision). I just feel embarrassed and angry (at Jane) for trying to get to me through my mother-in-law. But I guess alcoholics will try anything, eh? My parents continue to allow themselves to be manipulated by Jane. They give her money, they're putting her up in a hotel right now because--what a surprise--Jane is homeless and jobless. So sick of all this crap. Thanks for listening. Had to rant. __________________ "The greatest meditation is a mind that lets go". "When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something's suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful".

02-09-2010, 09:04 AM	#5 (permalink)
GiveLove Forum Leader Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Stumbling toward happiness Posts: 4,818 Blog Entries: 2	You're doing all the right things, trying2fly. Sorry you're still catching some flak from her flailing, though. Rant away!! __________________ "Tell me, what are you going to do with your one wild and precious life?" --Mary Oliver "Action is the antidote to despair." --Joan Baez "False hopes bind us to unlivable situations, and blind us to real possibilities." --Derrick Jensen

02-09-2010, 09:24 AM	#6 (permalink)
nodaybut2day Member Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Quebec Posts: 2,537	You're right to let it slide off your back; your sister is doing what you expect--blame-shifting for all she's worth. Poor her. When XAH does this kind of crap to me, I try to remember my mantra: "La pluie de tes insultes n'atteint pas le parapluie de mon indifférence" (the storm of your insults cannot penetrate the umbrella of my indifference). __________________ Formerly known as "imtheidiot" or "quivering bowl of jello", but no longer!

02-09-2010, 03:53 PM	#8 (permalink)
Trying2Fly Member Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Somewhere, our planet Posts: 174	Thanks everyone. It's frustrating, yes. I'm taking a break. No contact. No drama. __________________ "The greatest meditation is a mind that lets go". "When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something's suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful".

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02-09-2010, 12:18 AM	#2 (permalink)
KeepPedaling Member Join Date: Nov 2009 Posts: 594	That sounds horrible. I hate that kind of manipulation, they try to get at you by getting at someone close to you. My parents continue to support my brother as well. I used to argue with them about it, but gave up a few years ago. It's their money I guess. It's just such a same. I feel so bad for them. I'm sure your parents are just doing what they can to get through the heartbreak. Hang in there. Hugs and hugs. ...I'm being phone bombed by my drunk boyfriendexboyfriend right now....ugh

02-09-2010, 06:03 AM	#3 (permalink)
Jadmack25 Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Wizard Land Downunder Posts: 2,603	Boy do they ever have it down pat. My XAH rang my mum, friends, my parish priest, my doctor and the Police Inspector and went on about me being kicked out by him, because I was "having it off with some dero's and needed to be set straight". As he was in his usual slurry, agro and foul mouthed state after 4 litres or so of wine, his remarks were taken for what they were, the spewing of an angry, scared and brain fried man. It only happened that one week, but upset me no end, and totally blew his carefully hidden alcohol problem and good reputation, out of the water. There is nothing you can do, but shrug your shoulders, feel pity for them and leave it be. God bless

02-09-2010, 08:28 AM	#4 (permalink)
stella27 Member Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Southwest Posts: 827	She sounds like the typical "drowning man" - flailing around and trying to take you all down with her. Wow.

02-09-2010, 11:06 AM	#7 (permalink)
dreamstones Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 123	trying2fly, We're all here for you to rant, rant away! It is amazing the emotional energy WE ALL go through with our alcohol/drug dependent loved ones, that is why we need Al-Anon, places like this such as SR.com, good friends, the Good book, and strategically placed punching bags throughout our homes to punch when we are reeling from the effects of the alcoholic in our lives. Hang in there, focus on you, not the crazy stuff your AS is doing, or how your parents enable her, or any of the other stuff. I know, easier said then done sometimes, but it does work, trust me, been in your shoes as well in dealing with my AS. I used to flip out because my Mom does the same thing, they will never hit their rock bottom to seek help. My sis has been sober about 2 months now, it was after my Mom hit her rock bottom and realized her "kindness" was killing sister, not helping and sister finally asked for help on her own. Take care and focus on what you can control.

02-09-2010, 04:43 PM	#9 (permalink)
Spiritual Seeker get it, give it, grow in it Join Date: May 2007 Location: Calif coast Posts: 3,165	sometimes the only thing we can do is detach- sometimes in silence and sometimes in anger. It takes some work on our own part to be able to get to compassion and to be able to communicate w/o anger, enabling, manipulation, etc. In the meantime just have faith and hope that your sis will choose to get well one day as will your parents and the whole family dynamic.

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