My pregnant girlfriend refuses to stop drinking

[Ives]

Hi all,

Sadly, my girlfriend refuses to stop drinking. She has been pregnant with my child for 4 1/2 months and reacts with rage when I ask her to quit. This has been going on since the beginning of her pregnancy. She claims she is only drinking once a week, but I have seen a little evidence that this is likely not true. Her reasoned responses, however, when she isn't twisting things around, saying that I AM THE PROBLEM |BECAUSE I'M CAUSING HER STRESS, are:

- she's only drinking a couple glasses of wine on Mondays in a weekly meeting with friends - when in fact, I have seen her come home from the pub on those days quite drunk at times, and she has even been mixing with pot

- I am the problem in the relationship because I am being unreasonable and I am causing her stress and hurting the baby

- I drink more often then she does (however, I have now quit, and I , unlike her, have a job that I go to everyday)

- She refers to her drinking partner who enables her in glowing terms, however, tells me, when I get mad, that I have anger issues, and she is not the problem

- She mentions that all the doctors tests are fine (which they are thankfully) and that I'm worrying about nothing.

She says that the more I badger her, the more she will do it, even though she doesn't want to. She says she is pulling away from the relationship because of me badgering her. I see her far less now

She won't tell her parents because they know her history and will be on her worse than me.

She gets very very furious everytime that I bring it up, and threatens to break up, and often won't talk to me for days, and highlights everything bad about me.

Finally, this weekend, I washed my hands of it. She has pulled away, but for the first time, I am not picking up that phone whereas often in the past, I would come crawling back because she had successfully manipulated the situation by saying I am abusive because I got angry.

One time she threw me out of her house because she was drinking wine and I asked her to go easy on it.

She has successfully painted me as a bad guy and goes on personal attacks. She says she's only having a few glasses of wine once a week, and I've now caught her lying about it - saying she is going to the doctor or to the coffee shop, and then I find out from her friends that she's been at the pub. She says she's hiding it because I keep bugging her about it


In fairness, I have handled it with anger at first, and a few times since, because I am simply infuriated that a pregnant woman would act like this. She has been in rehab before for cocaine, that was over a year ago, but always maintains that she never had a drinking problem.....I'm starting to wonder. What do you all feel?

I am leaving her to stew in her juices. She's aware of fetal alcohol syndrome, but has now broken up with me due to my last 'outburst' of getting angry with her - I smelled booze on her breath before our ultrasound, and she then ordered a wine at lunch just to **** me off. After saying that she absolutely doesn't have a drinking problem and that I'm blowing it out of proportion.


I told her that she seems in denial and is behaving like someone who is an addict. Bear in mind her past history of cocaine abuse. She went mental again when I said that.

I AM ON THE VERGE OF BREAKING UP WITH HER NOW


Thanks in advance for any help /advice

[Pelican]

Welcome to the Sober Recovery Family!

I am sorry about the difficult situation that has brought you here.

I do not know what your legal rights are as father to the unborn child.

My experience is as a recovering alcoholic and as a codependent exspouse of an alcoholic. I can share with you my own experience.

One of the things I learned through SR and Alanon meetings was about the 3 C's of addiction.
You did not Cause the addiction
You can not Control the addiction
You will not Cure the addiction

In trying to control your GF's drinking, you are making yourself feel crazy when she manipulates everything into another reason to drink. She is going to do whatever she pleases with or without your support. If you are involved in her life, she will continue to cause drama and use you as her reason to act irresponsibly.

So, where does that leave you? That leaves you with finding help for yourself through a counselor or a support group for friends and family of alcoholics/addicts.

It appears your GF has already ended your relationship. You will need to accept her decision, as painful as that can be.

I do not have any advise about your rights as a father, but I hope that someone else will be along later with advise for you.

I do suggest you read some of the permanent posts at the top of this forum (sticky posts), as they contain some of our stories and our experiences with active alcoholism.

Peace and ((hugs)) to you.

[Ives]

Thank you.

At this point, I have documentation of the days she drank. She prefers to communicate during the day while I'm at work through email, and I have many emails with our heated exchanges about this. I have brought it up in counseling with our couples counselor who is aware of the problem. She admitted to him that she knows it is wrong and stated to the both of us that the more I bother her about it, the more she'll do it, and that she doesn't necessarily want to do it. Everytime she does it in front of me it is with a smug you can't control me attitude. I have other emails with one of her friends going back for a couple months outlining our concerns.

At this point, I am not hurt one bit by her breaking up with me - I am thoroughly disgusted by her and at this point, I don't even know that I'm actually even hurt by being broken up with, she has already taken any love that I have felt for her and extinguished it entirely. I think that she may be mentally ill at this point. My only concern now is for my unborn child.

But you are right, I have no control. It's stressful but I can't do a thing about it.

And I should add everytime I end up going back to her and being the one to apologise for causing her stress, but this time, I am all out of strength and won't be the fall guy again, hence why I said I'm ready to break up with her now.

[Pelican]

I'm so sorry about your situation.

She may have crossed the (invisible) line of problem drinker to addicted drinker. She will need help from professionals or other recovering alcoholics to learn to control the cravings of her mind, body and soul at this point.

[Bernadette]

Do you go to her prenatal appointments with her? Since it is your child too I think a frank discussion with her midwife/doctor about drinking is necessary. The effects of alcohol on the baby will not show up until after the baby is born. All prenatal tests will likely come back fine if the child is otherwise healthy.

Maybe her midwife/doc can give her some literature about FAS (fetal alcohol syndrome) which leads to facial deformities & serious learning disabilities, that won't be evident until after birth and as the child grows but fails to develop normally.

As far as her blaming you for her drinking and you stress her out etc, that is all just classic alcoholic nonsense. They all say that!! And when she's struggling to cope with this "high need" child she is creating she will blame the stress of that for her continued drinking....there will be no end of blame outside herself. But you should recognize that arguing with her pretty much gets you nowhere because only she can decide that she will stop drinking, and she won't stop until she herself feels it is necessary and she wants to stop it more than anything else.

It is sad that a pregnancy isn't enough and the health of an innocent little being isn't enough but that is the tragic truth about the power of alcoholism. It is a formidable foe, and nothing gets in the way of their drinking.

How do we cope with this as the people who love alcoholics? I found AlAnon to be a lifesaver - as well as reading lots of books about codependency, and months of one-on-one therapy....I was in so much pain/rage/frustration I just took every step I could to get my own thinking straight and get my own life in order. Life is 10,000% better when I focus only on the things I can change.

My heart goes out to you and that little baby...I hope your AGF will see the light and at last quit for the next 5 months - but hope is not a plan - maybe your medical or legal system can help you protect your child's health....stick around and keep posting - it seems people on SR have seen everything so maybe someone will be along soon who has stood right where you are standing.
(((hugs)))
peace-
b

[naive]

hi ives-

alcoholics blame everybody else. that's normal. they also lie and minimize.

i'm sorry that she is being careless with the baby. i think if it was me, i would alert her doctors, the mid-wife and also, her parents. normally, i wouldn't interfere at all but there is that baby now to consider.

and then, i would back off 100% and go no contact.

i wonder what your legal rights are...perhaps someone will come along who has some answers for you.

naive

[Ives]

Hi all, Thanks so much for your replies. I'm just at work so not time to reply fully. I will be speaking to her doctor today. I have noticed now that with detachment. not jumping to her beck and call (which a new father is supposed to do for his pregnant mother to be) and mentioning that if she keeps going on like this and being destructive then I will have no option but to go to her parents.

Today I received this email from her to which I am not going to respond. I am going to try something new and not respond to her for awhile:

"Even though I have said fine it's done 100% not a problem still that isn't good enough you have to send me info on different types denial? I don't crave it, I don't need it, it's obviously really upsetting you which causes me stress which I don't need so it's done. End of story. As I mentioned before it will be interesting what you come up with next. Or maybe you just wont let this go and we can continue to dwell on it for another week or so."

Bear in mind, we have this conversation every week or so, and that is why she is fed up with it, of course, it wouldn't have to do with the fact that she gets loaded once a week and that's when we argue.....

Detachment is the key here.

[Ives]

I should mention though, that this is the first time she has ever said, ok, I'll stop. Of course - I don't believe her. She is likely saying that due to her parents. She complains that I don't trust her, well, when she's sneaking around behind my back......

I'm going to have to have a spine now. This has gone on too long, and letting her stew in her own juices is going to be a new tactic. I'm not sure that I am going to respond to her for some time because evidently, she doesn't take me seriously.

[nodaybut2day]

This is just a thought...but would CPS step in once baby is born and diagnosed with FAS? I wonder if you could get more information by speaking with a social worker (or at least talk to her doctor and see what resources exist).

From your posts, it seems like this woman is a write-off for you. She has made her choices. Her unborn child is another matter. It is innocent and is being made to suffer IN UTERO for his/her mother's poor choices. As the father, I feel that you have some responsibility in protecting this life.

My heart goes out to you and to your unborn child. Sr and Al-Anon are both wonderful resources, and I hope you keep posting here to get the support you need.

[Ives]

Thanks. Here was her email from yesterday, the problem is, it is never just a 'couple' glasses of wine:

"Fine it's done drinking will stop 100% as of now. Nice low blow with the addict behaviour not only that but also saying you were going to call my parents. No f-ing problem! You want me to loose my son again? Your going to throw that one out? Well I'm not willing to risk it so done, done and done! And thanks for ackonwleging what a complete ******* you have been in the way you have spoken and disrespected me. If someone is not dealing with the true issue it is you...but I am done fighting and I am done trying to reason with you and explain what it truly going on. If you want to blame it on booze then booze is not at all in the equation anymore...what else are you going to come up with hmmmmm I'm an addict? Know you used that one? I have a past? No you used that one. I'm a bad mother? Nope..used that one as well. I'll just be patient and wait and see. Thanks for no appoligy and owning up to any of this...flipping it around on the only thing you have...me
playing bingo once a week with .....a 65yr old woman..the mother of my heart and having a couple of glasses of wine...bravo!!!"

[Ives]

Originally Posted by nodaybut2day

This is just a thought...but would CPS step in once baby is born and diagnosed with FAS? I wonder if you could get more information by speaking with a social worker (or at least talk to her doctor and see what resources exist).

From your posts, it seems like this woman is a write-off for you. She has made her choices. Her unborn child is another matter. It is innocent and is being made to suffer IN UTERO for his/her mother's poor choices. As the father, I feel that you have some responsibility in protecting this life.

My heart goes out to you and to your unborn child. Sr and Al-Anon are both wonderful resources, and I hope you keep posting here to get the support you need.

Her parents have already called child protective services on her for similar behaviour with her teenage son. She lost custody of him to them when she messed her life up on cocaine.

Sadly, I will have to resort to blackmailing her with the threat of going to them myself, and she could lose her son, but she is really giving me no alternative.

I am consulting her doctor, my lawyer, and I may even call CPS if she doesn't shape up and fast. It's sad that she's pushing me to this.

I no longer think that I love this woman.

[nodaybut2day]

Originally Posted by Ives

"Fine it's done drinking will stop 100% as of now. Nice low blow with the addict behaviour not only that but also saying you were going to call my parents. No f-ing problem! You want me to loose my son again? Your going to throw that one out? Well I'm not willing to risk it so done, done and done! And thanks for ackonwleging what a complete ******* you have been in the way you have spoken and disrespected me. If someone is not dealing with the true issue it is you...but I am done fighting and I am done trying to reason with you and explain what it truly going on. If you want to blame it on booze then booze is not at all in the equation anymore...what else are you going to come up with hmmmmm I'm an addict? Know you used that one? I have a past? No you used that one. I'm a bad mother? Nope..used that one as well. I'll just be patient and wait and see. Thanks for no appoligy and owning up to any of this...flipping it around on the only thing you have...me
playing bingo once a week with .....a 65yr old woman..the mother of my heart and having a couple of glasses of wine...bravo!!!"

Oh Ives, I do hope you see this email for what it is: quacking.

Your AGF is just mouthing off, angrily, about everything and nothing, trying to justify and hurt you back. Quack quack quack.

Ignore it.

[nodaybut2day]

Originally Posted by Ives

Her parents have already called child protective services on her for similar behaviour with her teenage son. She lost custody of him to them when she messed her life up on cocaine.

Sadly, I will have to resort to blackmailing her with the threat of going to them myself, and she could lose her son, but she is really giving me no alternative.

I am consulting her doctor, my lawyer, and I may even call CPS if she doesn't shape up and fast. It's sad that she's pushing me to this.

This is just me, but I wouldn't wait for her reaction or "improvement" to take action. This isn't about HER anymore...it's about YOU and your unborn baby, both of whom DESERVE to be happy and healthy and free of her madness. Turn the focus away from her, what she says, what she does, etc, and ask yourself: What do I want? What makes me happy?

From your posts, it seems that she has shown herself incapable of seeking treatment for other addictions in the case of her son, and is now repeating the pattern again with a whole new innocent life. This is JMO, but if I were you, I'd start documenting everything that has happened in the past, with respect to her addiction, and with respect to her parenting or lack thereof of her son, and discuss it with a lawyer. Keep emails and letters as well. Is there a paper trail of her addiction (arrests, stints in rehab, etc)? It should be mentioned to the lawyer. A legal consult doesn't cost that much if you choose your lawyer carefully and can go a long way towards alleviating the worry you feel for your unborn child.

Originally Posted by Ives

I no longer think that I love this woman.

Quite honestly, I can understand that feeling considering what this person has put you through (and will undoubtedly continue to put you through).

Many hugs...you're doing the right thing.

[coyote21]

Originally Posted by Ives

I may even call CPS if she doesn't shape up and fast. It's sad that she's pushing me to this.

I no longer think that I love this woman.

My xaw's 21 yo cousin was doing pretty much what your gf is doing. CPS was called and they did step in to protect her unborn son. They required tests to prove sobriety and threatened to take custody upon the child's birth if their "suggestions" weren't' followed.

It's time to "grow a spine" as you say, and step up to protect your unborn child. Don't let fear of repercussions from the mom stop you from doing the right thing.

Do it to protect the innocent child, not to control her drinking.

BTW, I was scared of my axw, they can be pretty scary! Good luck to you.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

[Ives]

Originally Posted by nodaybut2day

Oh Ives, I do hope you see this email for what it is: quacking.

Your AGF is just mouthing off, angrily, about everything and nothing, trying to justify and hurt you back. Quack quack quack.

Ignore it.

Thanks. And I admit I've said nasty stuff to her - but nothing that wasn't the truth, which is why she is getting upset. But I mean, what father wouldn't when his child is being threatened like this? I mean, does she expect me to be happy that she has gotten pissed a dozen times in the last 2 months? Oh wait, according to her she hasn't gotten pissed, that glazed look in her eyes and slurred speech must be something else.....maybe pregnancy hormones.

[Ives]

Originally Posted by nodaybut2day

This is just me, but I wouldn't wait for her reaction or "improvement" to take action. This isn't about HER anymore...it's about YOU and your unborn baby, both of whom DESERVE to be happy and healthy and free of her madness. Turn the focus away from her, what she says, what she does, etc, and ask yourself: What do I want? What makes me happy?

From your posts, it seems that she has shown herself incapable of seeking treatment for other addictions in the case of her son, and is now repeating the pattern again with a whole new innocent life. This is JMO, but if I were you, I'd start documenting everything that has happened in the past, with respect to her addiction, and with respect to her parenting or lack thereof of her son, and discuss it with a lawyer. Keep emails and letters as well. Is there a paper trail of her addiction (arrests, stints in rehab, etc)? It should be mentioned to the lawyer. A legal consult doesn't cost that much if you choose your lawyer carefully and can go a long way towards alleviating the worry you feel for your unborn child.



Quite honestly, I can understand that feeling considering what this person has put you through (and will undoubtedly continue to put you through).

Many hugs...you're doing the right thing.

Hey,

I have a damning stack of evidence through emails. Her parents will side with me on that, as they and myself had to put her through rehab for coke abuse a year ago. So there is that evidence.

Her parents also called Child services and actually still have legal custody of the boy. So there's that evidence too. She only has her son on a trial basis at the moment, and he is already flunking out of his 1st year of high school badly, has been told that they will kick him out of school if he acts up, and he smokes pot religiously. I will try to get some photos of his bong collection next I'm over there in his room, which would make Cheech & Chong blush, plus, she smokes dope with him.

The parents already know all of this and will be compliant, she caused them no end of grief and it was actually me who cleaned her up finally, as I had been friends with her for almost 20 years.

I am compiling all of my evidence as well. Child services were called to his house last July and I was at the meeting because he got kicked out of camp and the counselor who dropped him off noticed that she was very intoxicated.

[Ives]

Okay, first step - I phoned her Obstetrician, whom she has an appointment with this afternoon and explained everything to them. Waiting on a call back. She will freak, but too bad, she has left me with no other option. I'll see what he says about this. Apparently, she told them the only thing she does is smoke a few cigaretts....yeah, right.

[nodaybut2day]

Originally Posted by Ives

Okay, first step - I phoned her Obstetrician, whom she has an appointment with this afternoon and explained everything to them. Waiting on a call back. She will freak, but too bad, she has left me with no other option.

Awesome. Yay! You're taking action and not just reacting to her. What's next?

And who cares if she freaks? You know she will, right? That's what she does.

Her: You son of a @/&*%, how could you /$%?"&*, I hate you /$$%?&*"!
You: Alrighty then. Moving right along.

When you expect drama/threats/anger from her, then it becomes easier to detach. Eventually, there's nothing to fret about.

[Ives]

Originally Posted by nodaybut2day

This is just me, but I wouldn't wait for her reaction or "improvement" to take action. This isn't about HER anymore...it's about YOU and your unborn baby, both of whom DESERVE to be happy and healthy and free of her madness. Turn the focus away from her, what she says, what she does, etc, and ask yourself: What do I want? What makes me happy?

From your posts, it seems that she has shown herself incapable of seeking treatment for other addictions in the case of her son, and is now repeating the pattern again with a whole new innocent life. This is JMO, but if I were you, I'd start documenting everything that has happened in the past, with respect to her addiction, and with respect to her parenting or lack thereof of her son, and discuss it with a lawyer. Keep emails and letters as well. Is there a paper trail of her addiction (arrests, stints in rehab, etc)? It should be mentioned to the lawyer. A legal consult doesn't cost that much if you choose your lawyer carefully and can go a long way towards alleviating the worry you feel for your unborn child.



Quite honestly, I can understand that feeling considering what this person has put you through (and will undoubtedly continue to put you through).

Many hugs...you're doing the right thing.

Many thanks friend.

God bless us all.

I cannot allow this person to harm my child.

[Ives]

I feel somehow better, knowing I have taken this first step, because her continually turning things around, making me out to be the bad guy, blaming, and being abusive made me feel so powerless.

[tjp613]

Originally Posted by Ives

Her parents have already called child protective services on her for similar behaviour with her teenage son. She lost custody of him to them when she messed her life up on cocaine.

Sadly, I will have to resort to blackmailing her with the threat of going to them myself, and she could lose her son, but she is really giving me no alternative.

I am consulting her doctor, my lawyer, and I may even call CPS if she doesn't shape up and fast. It's sad that she's pushing me to this.

I no longer think that I love this woman.

It's not blackmail, it's your moral responsibility to protect that child by calling in CPS. Period.

[Ives]

Originally Posted by tjp613

It's not blackmail, it's your moral responsibility to protect that child by calling in CPS. Period.

You are right. Struggling with that, but being a Catholic, I must. She will lose custody of her son back to the parents, but if that's what it takes to save my daughter from this monster, then so be it. The parents have done it in the past. I think I should bypass them and go straight to the source.

[TakingCharge999]

Hi Ives, I used to have an XABF that threw the same anger, pain and manipulation and know how confusing it is, but remember that is HER STUFF, HER FEELINGS, HER ADDICTION, none of that has anything to do with you.

Sadly, I will have to resort to blackmailing her with the threat of going to them myself, and she could lose her son, but she is really giving me no alternative.

Why don't you just go to CPS? You do not have to blackmail her or threaten her. The sooner you contact them the better as the baby's health is at stake, her tests are good now but she cannot be trusted at all.

I agree with everyone, you are doing what is best informing everybody, I hope you can find a good lawyer. Who cares if she gets angry or feels insulted.. she seems long gone.

I hope you continue finding courage to be proactive, this baby's health and your rights as a father are what need focus.

I am sorry you joined this forum during such a tough time but here there is much healing and strength and people who know how it feels ((hugs))

[TakingCharge999]

Ives I just saw your last message.. I agree with you, let us know how it goes. Sending you courage....

[nodaybut2day]

Ives, I just wanted to say that you have about 4 more months to go before this child is a separate entity from her mother, and then it'll become a bit easier to protect her from this woman.