What Now?

[OtherHalf7]

Well, I had a shock today...my ASO sent a text message..."don't want to talk, cutting your phone off". We share a plan...billed to him, I send him my part since he's out of state.

I'm good friends with his mom...we talk every week, so I called to see what's going on NOW...

She sad "nothing."

She had just gotten off the phone with him, and he told her things were great, he and I are good, etc.

She asked for the truth, so I gave it to her.

The relapse back in September was NOT a one-time slip-up. He is back to drinking everyday, he cuts himself, he drinks on meds and does awful things.

She said "I have to believe my son."

I told her I understood, and drew the line telling her he totalled HER truck driving wasted a month ago, but I told her I wasn't covering anymore.

She told me to cut ties and let him sort it out.

I told her that's what I've tried to do.

I got another text from him..."please don't call me anymore."

I get these a lot, right after "are you mad at me" "I'm sorry" "I need you" "I wish I was dead".

I don't know what else to do. I emailed him about SR, about Al Anon, and told him I love him, but until he loves himself and quits, he's right, he's dying.

So what now...intervention? I don't know anymore. Please help.

[suki44883]

She told me to cut ties and let him sort it out.

There's your answer.

[Pelican]

Welcome to the family OtherHalf!

I'm sorry your SO has relapsed. It was his choice. You did not cause it, you can not control it and you will not cure it. Until he is ready to fight for his own life, you can't save it for him.

What do you do in the meantime? I would recommend doing what he asked of you: don't call him anymore and do not talk to him anymore.

I've read your other posts and understand that you are not currently living together or living in the same state. Use this time of 'no contact' to focus on your life and your children.

The people that can help your addict are professionals or other recovering addicts. However, he has to be ready to reach out for help. He can get help with detoxing at Salvation Army, ER's or a doctor. AA is one of many support groups that will help him with his sobriety.

Have you been able to get to an Alanon meeting yet? You will find support and information at Alanon and here. There is a lot of wisdom and experience shared here. A lot of our stories are in the posts stickied at the top of this forum. Read and post as needed.

[OtherHalf7]

Thanks guys...I found an al anon meeting nearby, and went, but it was cancelled, so I'm trying again Monday on lunch. I agree to cut ties, but isn't this what happens right before people commit suicide? Don't they cut everyone off? He quit speaking to me, his brother, our friends here...

He did day treatment and AA for two weeks, had a slip-up, and never went back.

How do I cope? Oh...I work, spend time with friends and family, jog with some moms in my neighborhood, pray.

I'm scared...I'm used to having the answers...I'm using to taking care of things...that's my job...I help kids with problems learn to behave in order to learn and have a better quality of life.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Please keep praying...

[Pelican]

Originally Posted by OtherHalf7

but isn't this what happens right before people commit suicide? Don't they cut everyone off? He quit speaking to me, his brother, our friends here...

It's also what alcoholics do when they want to be left alone with their lover - alcohol. They want to be left alone to drown in their drug of choice. No one understands them, but alcohol makes it go away. The "no one understands me - my problems are unique" is a side-effect of active alcoholism. It is commonly called "terminal uniqueness."


Hi, I'm known as Pelican and I am a recovering alcoholic. Nice to meet you!

[laurie6781]

Start by getting your own cell phone and yes you can take the number with you.

I have one that is $50 a month and is UNLIMITED anytime day or night, calls, texting, getting on line etc. and NO CONTRACT

PM me if you want to know who it is with.

Then put a block on his number. Unfortunately you cannot help him. Pelican is correct, when I read his wanting to isolate, my first thought was "yep, wants his love alcohol and doesn't want anyone interfering with when, where, and how much he drinks."

His mother did give you the answer.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

[Still Waters]

Originally Posted by Pelican

It's also what alcoholics do when they want to be left alone with their lover - alcohol. They want to be left alone to drown in their drug of choice. No one understands them, but alcohol makes it go away. The "no one understands me - my problems are unique" is a side-effect of active alcoholism. It is commonly called "terminal uniqueness."

Yes, exactly. My AH isolated himself for most of his life. While things were so bad at home I was having a difficult time functioning at all, he was telling his family that everything was just fine.

Sounds textbook to me.

[OtherHalf7]

Thanks guys...I have another number, and can have it transferred to THIS phone, no problem...also talked to the cell company and they said HE has to have it transferred...btw, he just paid our bill for the next two months???

It's not so much the phone...it's that isolating again. He told me that a few weeks before we rekindled our friendship, he bought a gun. He was going to kill himself, but got cold feet.

He said then, that went he came to meet me in person again after all these years, it was the first time he'd looked forward to anything in a long, long time.

Neither one of us planned to fall in love, but who plans to?

After detox, when he called, he said the thought of me, my kids, and his son got him through.

Up until a few weeks ago, he would text me things like "just 4 months and one week til I'm home!"

That was the plan...change the "bad environment" by a. cashing out his retirement b. finalizing the divorce c. coming home to family and friends.

His mom asked me tonight why he said he has no one.

I said, because he doesn't.

He's almost at the bottom...with his drinking, I doubt the judge will let him have his son...that would be it for him.

In behaviorism, I teach people to change by setting goals, changing the environment, and that's it's a team effort between professionals, family, etc.

I taught a child with severe disabilites a year ago to talk. He was fifteen and had never spoken a word...ever.

I don't believe in lost causes. I guess, since I've offered him "the plan", it's up to him to implement it.

Dang free will, lol!

Thanks again

You guys make me feel better...always.

[bookwyrm]

I find it interesting that you twice compared dealing with your ASO to your work with children. When I first came here, Laurie told me STBXAH is a big boy now, an adult who is responsible for his own actions.
As hard as it is, I had to step back from him and let him find his own way and make his own choices. Seems like this is something you need to do too! Switch your focus back on you.