Opus

Ah... *sigh* - this is very, very long.

I hope I can be frank here - I mean utterly, totally, 100% frank and honest. I need to pour it out somewhere without being considered cruel. By anyone... You know?

I am at the receiving end of SO much junk at the moment. I am sorry to sit here and say "crap, poor me" but honestly in the future I think that's just what I'm going to think. "Why didn't I leave sooner?"

God, the last year - just over the last year - has been so frikken hard and I am so ready to pack it all in and leave. I'm half way through making dinner right now and I can't even finish it. I think I'll just take the chicken out of the oven when it's cooked and let it sit on top of the stove and cool.


I think I've reached the end of my rope.

When I got together with my AP (used to be my fiance, but I took my ring off and gave it back to him in August) he was an alcoholic in recovery. He'd been in recovery about a year and I'd known him before, and after the process, and through the DUI that got him there (which was the last of a couple or three I do believe). Ironically I'd left my ex husband because HE was an alcoholic and a drug abuser. I got out of there and got counseling for everything that happened in that relationship. Then I start going out with an alcoholi9c in recovery. Actually those are my only two relationships with people with these "problems" - the rest have all been just regular guys. It just so happens that they happened back to back. Great for those who don't know my history to say "oh look, she looks for relationships with alcoholics!" - but I don't. I really don't look for these awful relationships, these last two.

Makes me miss the normal boyfriend I used to have who's only fault was that he wanted me to be a housewife too young. Now, how amazing, I would love that kind of stability, but don't have it because I am with someone in a relapse.

To cut a long story short, we lost our daughter at birth in October last year - she was full term. Huge terrible accident. The placenta detached just minutes before she was born and we almost lost me as well. Basically over the next few months, the descent back into alcoholism happened. Talking properly did not happen.

Now everything has gone to sh!t, in a nutshell. Everything is crap. I understand, oh yes, I understand, understand why he found his way back to the bottle, but God, you know, now I am 32 weeks pregnant with another baby and this abuse has been going on the whole pregnancy.

I just don't want to detach any more. I don't want to, I don't know how and I don't want to do it anyway - why should I try? I have to sleep next to this man who smells like booze, or if I don't, I'm alone. I would be fine being alone if I were single, but I'm not supposed to be single. I don't get much sleep, because of the booze smell and the snoring and the worry. I don't feel at all loved - not at all.

I am apparently the most awful thing that ever happened to this alcoholic man, now. I used to be loved, and then the booze came back in February or so of this year, all communication ceased to be replaced by cheap beer, and now I am "out to get" him every day. According to him, I do nothing but sit on my butt all day long, pretending to work (I am a freelance graphic designer and writer) but instead, plotting how to make "every second" of his "life miserable, the moment" he "walks through the door after work". The sole purpose of my life is to ruin his, according to him, and that is apparently why he drinks. I am apparently lazy and good for nothing, though all I do is work or look after the house.

I take care of his two children from a previous relationship, take them to school, pick them up, do their homework with them, treat them well. He frequently swears and shouts at them and has no abandon using the "f" word in front of a 6 and 8 year old. I do all the housework, really, I do. He will come home and go to the garage and drink. On nights where his family (us) have "spoiled" his "fun" he will sit there in a grump most of the time because we're putting him off. So it's either that he's drinking and mean, or that I am waiting for him to become mean when drinking, or that I and his kids are just waiting for him to start drinking. Weekends are almost always completely spoiled because he will promise the children something, and then a friend will have beer, and that'll be it.

I am "bitching" all the time according to him, about everything. One evening I asked for a back rub because I was sore - he kneaded my shoulders, and then later, when drunk, asked me how I'd had the "audacity" to ask for a back run when I knew he'd been at work all day. Because he has a "manual labor" job and I don't, I am lazy and do nothing compared to what he does. Because I don't contribute as much money as him, I am not doing my share, apparently, even though I take care of the house and the kids.

But even that isn't good enough. Everything I do is wrong. He's not drunk, and he'll be fine with it, and then down goes the beer and everything I do is wrong. When he's not drinking, he doesn't talk to me like we used to when booze wasn't involved. When he is, I am at the receiving end of so much hatred it's hard to fathom. So are his children, who are, frighteningly, used to it because of the way he used to be. Their reactions are just not the norm any more because they are "coping" - you know? I know you know what I mean there.

It's been especially bad this pregnancy. Just all the way through. When I was six weeks pregnant, he shouted at me so hard I went into a panic and went into the spare room and then started spotting, and thought I'd lost the baby. I sat there all night and prayed that the baby would live. I still do that now, though I can feel her kick. I worry my worry will kill her, sometimes...

A couple of months ago he said that had I been in the hospital when our baby died, as though I could have known - I would not have "killed" our daughter. The psychological reasons for him saying that (actually though he screamed it at me) are easy to understand, but why at me - why could he not have said that to someone else? Do I have to be at the receiving end of this all the time? Is that my job? Is it my job as a girlfriend, or fiancee or wife to go through this day in and day out, while pregnant? I feel like everything is on my back and that my tomorrows look bleaker and bleaker.

I am 32 weeks pregnant almost. There hasn't been a single week where I've felt secure, or loved, or really very happy. It's so hard to be happy when your hormones are all over the place and someone just keeps berating and berating you. I think sometimes when he gets drunk, he really looks for a fight. He always blames me, but I know that's rubbish and I don't believe him. I know this is wrong.

I've tried detaching but gosh. I feel like that is living in denial! I have a baby coming in about six weeks now and she will be exposed to this...mess! I feel like I am voluntarily putting my baby in a cage with a rabid dog! My mother instinct is telling me to RUN AWAY as fast as I can. My soul is telling me this is more than an alcohol problem. I desperately want to feel secure. I really, really want to be able to bed down and nest, and make room for this baby and her things.

That's the thing, I don't feel like I can. I don't feel like this is a "safe nest" - I actually find the whole thing really frightening. I find this place frightening, the lack of knowing what is going to happen next, frightening. The kid's nonchalant reactions to their father's outburst SO frightening. What am I doing here? I am so stressed.

I took and bundled up all my things in bags and put them in with me in the spare room. That made me feel a bit better because I wouldn't have to dig them all out. I know where most of my stuff is apart from that and would just have to retrieve my bills etc from the community "piles" laying about. I am in the spare room now with all the junk around me - there's hardly any room to move at all.

I am just so tired. So, so tired. I just wish that everything was different. Our other daughter's pregnancy was great - he didn't drink, was supportive, kind... thi8s time it's awful and I think I am really getting depressed now.

The wonderful thing is, my parents and the rest of my family live in England, so if I left, I'd be beholden to friends...I would be beholden, I mean gosh, me and a baby - it's a lot to take in.And part of me wonders "if I am so useless, surely they will get sick of me as well, no matter how hard I try to please?"

I can feel myself wearing down, wearing thin. I am easier made to cry and when I cry now, I can't stop for an hour or two, no matter what. I am crying hard right now and there are some friends coming around, and I will have to answer the door, and I will still be crying.

I don't want this any more. I don't think this is love... He says he loves me, and brings me things to make up for the stuff he says when he's drunk. But it's not enough, and then I'm made to feel guilty because I don't believe it's enough - nowhere near. I want out... I want to be in a place I feel safe, where I know if I go into labor, I will have someone kind and loving to drive me to the hospital, instead of having to call an ambulance because he is drunk... I want to be in a place where, when I get up in the middle of the night with the baby when she is here, I might get a non-alcohol-laden hug from someone kind sometimes. I want to be in a place where I can clean the whole house until my back aches and instead of being told it's not good enough, to get a hand with it and maybe a few kind words and a cup of tea at the end of the day. God I'm so lonely.

Wow - if you made it this far then thank you. I am sorry for the long post. I had to get it out...

Cowgirl1265

Welcome to SR, Opus.

You have been through so much and now are going through a lot more, I am glad you found your way here to get some support. In your post you write that if you left you would be beholden to friends...but is that worse than tolerating what you've been dealing with? From the sounds of it, relying on friends for a while might seem like a spa vacation after your partner's relapse. Only you can decide when you've had enough, and you know that you aren't going to help him find his bottom any faster. That's his own stuff to deal with.

I know some wiser people will step forward with much more helpful things to say than I can come up with. I hope you keep posting here. We are here to listen and share our stories, and to care about you.

Bernadette

hey Opus!
Welcome & I am so sorry about the loss of your daughter.
((((hugs))))
Just reading your post made me exhausted - I cannot imagine being pregnant and living with an active alcoholic. It's too much.
I do know that the loneliness of a lousy marriage is about the worst loneliness there can be. Is there some free or lo-cost counseling in your area that you can reach out to?
I hope you can take good care of yourself & baby - keep seeking and accepting help - often when I finally open myself up to people and share what's going on help arrives in unexpected ways...
peace-
b

wanting

I feel so sad for both of you. He is clearly in a lot of pain too. I really think your most pressing need is safety for you and your baby. I would really think about staying with someone else, at least temporarily. Maybe being apart for awhile would give you both a chance to look at things without being so in it. You don't have to make any long-term decisions yet. Big hugs to you.

Buffalo66

Um, you might want to go and click on my name and read my posts dating a few years back. It DOES NOT GET BETTER. My son is now four, I have lost everything, but most importanatly he has whittled my self esteem to a skeleton.

My son has watched this with his tiny eyes. Please get out. I cannot tell you how much I regret not leaving before the child arrived. 'What if' is a cruel phrase for me now. I am sorry to sound this way, but truly...He will take you down with him to spite you, himself and your unborn child. They do not care. They cannot care.

Opus

Thank you - gosh - so quick with your responses.

You know what though? When I lost my daughter, I really knew what pain was and through that, learned that real beauty does exist in the world. Because I almost died, I think. Now every day I live is a new day, with new promise. I can't stand that this experience is dragging me down into depths I do not want to be in. This person who did not almost die is dragging me down now, as though they are dying now. It's like trying to stay with a drowning person, and I can't, because of this little life in me.

Maybe almost dying did something for me - maybe it made me a different person. I think it did. I think the whole experience opened my eyes. That's why I can't stand it here now. He is not working through his pain - he's blocking it out and forgetting about living people around him and this new, ALIVE baby. There's a new baby, an ALIVE person now but he is living in death with his booze...

I dunno. It's not something I can live with. Yet I am SO so sad that it ended up being this way...

ItsmeAlice

Welcom Opus!

I am so glad you have found us here. This is a wonderful place for support, understanding, and a good kick in the pants when needed and don't worry those little kicks are from a broken in pair of bunny slippers

You have suffered an astounding loss that I cannot even begin to understand. I do understand, though, the path of grief.

From reading your post I get the picture of a strong and loving woman who has come to terms with the loss of her child and has moved through her grief through gratefullness for her own life and the desire to bring a new healthy life into this world. Your partner, however, has succombed to the addiction that at one time had been put at bay. Whether his relapse was triggered by the grief of the loss of his daughter or some other reason is neither something you have to answer to or do anything about. He was in recovery before, he knows what he should be doing to get his life back on track. It's up to him to do it.

This line in your reply struck me
It's not something I can live with. Yet I am SO so sad that it ended up being this way...

It sounds as if you have hit your own bottom but are not sure how to grieve that loss. Just as he had to learn how to live a sober healthy life before you met, you had to learn how to live without addiction from your previous relationship. As for the loss of the relationship you have now, it is the same as any other loss, even the loss of child.

I could not continue to live with an alcoholic. I believed at first in recovery that I could detach with love and find a way to coexist with him saving the good times and leaving the rest aside, but it was never enough. I always felt alone.

I eventually came to the realization that I would rather be alone and happy than live with someone who made me miserable.

I have faith that you can make the tough decisions you have ahead of you. Just keep in mind what is safe and healthy for you and your baby and follow where the path leads you.

I will be thinking of you!

Alice

Buffalo66

Its funny that you said he is like a drowning person. I would say this all the time through the years.
I would say it to him, too... He did not care. He could not care. He was BLIND.

I had a few moments of clarity at times. At those times, when I was able to go into no contact for periods, when I was able to ask him to leave...The reason I was able to do those things then was only because I would be struck with this reality: He does not care about himself, and I care about him. I have to carry the energy for myself and my son. When I started to disintegrate, he did not even notice, and I remember saying to myself at those moments, "Oh, My God. I could also sink. And he would not mind, or even notice".

Ultimately, what did happen was that I let him back again, he got some ground under his feet, and now he mentally and verbally abuses me because I am depleted. I gave everything to him and to my son, and now he can function more normally, but flat out tells me that I am a loser, I am lazy, I do nothing. HE WORKS!(?!) I am depressed and depressing to him, and he does not want to be around it. Now I am broke, after supporting him, afraid of being close to anyone, and he is threatening to try to get custody.

All that grand rescuing I thought I was doing is biting me in the ass, and the positive, GRATEFUL happy life I could have had is sooo far away.

He is treating you badly. He is pitying himself. You ARE ALIVE!!

Just my story...

Chrysalis123

Hi Opus and welcome. My deepest condolences on the loss of your first baby. I felt deeply saddened reading your post. Pregnancy is hard enough in typical scenarios. But yours compounded by the loss of the first baby is so difficult. I think you sense you need to be in the most tender and loving care right now....and you do. You and your unborn baby are precious and deserve loving care and safety.

The situation sounds like the Titanic and all the rearranging of the deck chairs did not change a thing.

My first thought was....she has been horribly abused by this man and look at the strength and character shown. That can so help you find your way again.

You mentioned being beholden to friends if you leave. Have you ever thought about it from the other side? Sharing your struggles offers them the opportunity to give, and giving is often the greastest thing people can do for others.

9 years ago, my XAH (x-alcoholic husband) was involved in a near fatal auto accident, DUI, and lost a limb. People I did not know reached out to me and my kids with food, checks, childcare for over 6 months...and I didn't even ask.

My prayers are with you tonight. Thank you for posting your story because it helped me.

tjp613

Hi Opus -- your story is heart-breaking I'm so very sorry you are having to go thru this in what should be a very happy time for you.

Is going to the UK to be with your family an option for you? Under the circumstances, and considering he has the potential for increasing abuse, perhaps putting that distance between you would not be a bad idea. You and your baby need peace, serenity and to be surrounded by people who love you! If you can stay with a friend, that would be good, too....but he could still create plenty of trouble for you.

Where is his ex-wife (mother of the other children)? I know you'd hate to leave them with him. Is she aware that he's relapsed?

In any case, could you please call your county's women's center and see if you can get some counseling? Your partner is emotionally abusive and you need some support or you may soon be overwhelmed. Please reach out to your friends and family ... explore your options for at least a respite of some kind. You need your rest.

Please keep us posted because we care. (((HUGS))))

ItsmeAlice

I reread my post and wanted to add that when I said...

As for the loss of the relationship you have now, it is the same as any other loss, even the loss of child.


That sounds so flippant. I was actully referring to both losses needing to be grieved for and not that they are of equal magnitude etc.

Thanks
Alice

FindingPeace1

Hi, Opus.
Let me start by saying
YOU are a person of worth and value and beauty and goodness.
If you need to write that down on a stickie and look at regularly, then do so. Don't don't don't let him take that from you. You have the ability to retain your self love. It may feel like he has the power to reduce you to feeling like a pile of poo, but he can't if you don't LET him. If he is being beastly, you can repeat that to yourself as a private audio override, okay?
How do I know you don't deserve verbal abuse? Because NO PERSON in the world deserves to be treated the way you described. No person.

I so feel for you. My husband and I knew eachother for 6 years, engaged for 1, married for 2. I'm 36. We were trying for our first baby. I got pregnant. 6 weeks later (last month), I found a stash of hidden bottles of his.
2 days later I lost the baby.
Now, I don't think it was related. But something just shifted in me (like you talking about a near death experience changing your perspective). A feeling, "this is not okay ". Like the baby came to wake me up. Like grieving for the baby allowed me to grieve for my relationship's missing pieces.
I have been holding on to the tail of that reaction as it races around in my heart. Trying to catch up with it - examine it - face it - allow it - admit it.
I don't want to let go. I don't want to lose anything. I don't want to make a terrifying jump into the unknown. I don't want to lose my future or my identity or the possibility of the life I was having. I don't want to recreate myself. I don't want to lose him. and on and on. Maybe you know the feeling?
But you deserve to feel loved and cared for. You deserve it.

Right now I am staying with friends. I'll tell you what. They LOVE me. That's what friends are all about. They are THRILLED to be with me and have the opportunity to contribute to me and nurture me. That's what friends are all about. So let go of you being a "burden". You are giving your friends an opportunity to love you. (you mentioned you could use some of that!)
YOU CAN TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. You can do what you need to put yourself in a situation where you can thrive (whatever you see that situation as being). You can.

Stick around. More hugs to come.

husbandofacoa

You are a good and valuable person. You deserve support not abuse especially with a new baby. I hope that you can find it.

When I have felt myself between a rock and a hard place, I made myself a plan to get out of the situation. Even though it took a long time, it made me feel better just to have the plan and to work it one step at a time. It worked.

You are in my prayers.

kermit

Welcome! I am so sorry you are going tru so much pain right now, this should be such a joyous time for you.
If I had the opportunity to go be with friends or family at this time I would. The most important thing is the baby and your saftey. Do his children live with you? Are you afraid if you leave harm will come to them?
Sorry if I over stepped my bounds with the question, but I know if there were other children involved it would be hard for me to just get up and leave.
Alice, great reply!

Opus

Thank you again everyone for your replies so far - gosh, it's SO nice to get this off my chest and not feel so alone, you know?

Yes, the children live with us. Their mother completely abandoned them two and a half years ago and before that, saw them perhaps a few times a year and would always return them within a day and totally neglect them. I am the only mother figure they have, which makes it extremely difficult for me to leave without knowing they are NOT going to be with him when he is drunk.

Nevertheless this new life is the most important thing. It is, because she has not been exposed to this behavior. I can't help the two older ones really - not really. I have no legal rights over them. All I can do is try to make sure they are safe...but to drag yet another child into this seems brutal, you know? I can't do that either - I just can't...

laurie6781

(((((Opus)))))

First let me say WELCOME! You have found a great place with lots of Experience, Strength and Hope (ES&H) from folks who have been or are where you are now.

With that being said, please call your nearest Women's Domestic Violence Shelter. What he is doing is mental and emotional ABUSE, and in all likelihood will progress (ie fists through walls and eventually on you are a distinct possibility). They have a place for you. When you get there report to them what is happening to the two children. They will get CPS involved to help his young ones get into a safe environment.

I am sorry you are in this position, but I can tell you it will only get worse until he chooses to find recovery again. You do not have to subject yourself and your unborn child to this.

Whether you go back to the UK or not, the DV shelter can help you with so many things, counseling, help in finding housing, help in getting support (financial) once the baby is born, help, help, help. And you will be in a safe environment.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

Helenlee

Opus please accept my deepest empathy for the loss of your precious daughter at full term last October. I'm so, so sorry for your loss my dear.
I lost my first baby, my daughter, at full term, on October 11, 1987. I also almost died. Margie would have been 22 now. There was a massive placental failure & she died. I was in the biggest maternity hospital in the southern hemisphere - but no-one could save her. It's not your fault.
Your situation is just unbearable to read about - I can't imagine how you're coping living with it. Your strength is inspiring.
There are many people on this forum with worlds more experience than me in assisting new comers with evaluating their options - so I'll leave that to those better qualified to do so. I do want to tell you your story has touched my heart & I care deeply about what is going on for you. I will keep you & your precious unborn baby & your partners children & your partner in my thoughts.
If I was any closer than Australia I'd be up right now making up the spare room girl. Have faith that if you reach out someone will be there to take your hand.

Wolfchild

tigger11

dearest Opus... If you decide to take the path that laurie has suggested, please be in touch with me... I'd be happy to share my mobile # with you. I'm posting from a DV shelter at this moment. Although its not a perfect place, it is safe and the people are caring, and its so wonderful to be around women who understand. BTW, I'm here without AH ever having laid a hand on me. Still, the threat of not being safe was always there.

you and your baby girl deserve so much more!

sending prayers your way for peace and strength!

(((Opus)))

- tigger

silkspin

Dear Opus, your post really hit a cord and I'm wiping away tears. I am so sorry for the loss of your little one. I have a 2 year old and I look at her every day feeling blessed that this little creature is with me. And I know at least partly how you feel. Although my H wasn't abusive, he was drinking heavily through the pregnancy and I was often alone. And when I wasn't alone at night, he was mostly snoring, stinking of booze, just like with you. On some occasions although it was more uncomfortable I slept in another room cuz I couldn't take it. At night when I was alone and he was out somewhere getting wasted, I was in bed crying, feeling so much anxiety and stroking my stomach, feeling like I was passing all this negative, horrible feelings to my baby. It was a terrible time for me. He also felt like yours. That I'd make his life miserable as soon as he walked through the door. I was a nag, wanted to stop him from having a life and having fun and seeing his friends, I didn't appreciate how hard he worked and all the good cuz all I did was bitch about his drinking. And he deserved it dammit, he worked hard, would have stressful weeks and this was simply his way of unwinding. We'd do things like go with friends to the beach and then afterward people would go out - of course I'd be going home, and he'd send me off with a wave, alone. Terrific.

I went into labour almost a month early, not sure if my high anxiety could have contributed. He was drinking that night too, although he'd just started so was still ok to take me to the hospital. I shudder to think how I would have managed on my own since my water broke. I guess I would have called an ambulance. Thankfully, all was ok.

More of the same happened after her birth. He'd be out drinking every weekend, some weeknights after sports with the guys. Left me with a colicky, pre-term infant to take care of. When she was just over 1 year (and I had been in al anon for almost 6 months) we'd been staying overnight with friends and he stumbled in wasted after drinking with his buddy, stumbled and reached out for our portable crib to steady himself, almost taking it down. Scared the daylights out of me, and the next day I told him we were through. We were separated for 4 months.

He is sober since that time, now over 10 months ago. Things are massively different. But it could have easily gone the other way. When I asked him to leave, I finally got over my fear of leaving, and put my daughter first. I tolerated a lot, but I didn't want her to grow up with the same. The world was scary outside of the relationship but I had to put that aside and know I'd be ok. I understand how worried and scared you must be because you're pregnant - I think everything gets magnified because you have to look after someone else too besides yourself. But it can happen. Get help around you as the other posters have suggested. You'll be glad you did when you see that baby in a safe, happy, healthy environment. You both deserve that. Please know you're not alone.