'Looking Good Is A Stage Of The Disease'

[sailorjohn]

Thought I'd share this, read a post here in the F&F section, recalled reading a chapter in one of the Toby Rice Drews "Getting Them Sober" series, thought this was relevant to share, and something I need to keep in mind now.

"If the alcoholic 'looks good' it doesn't mean he or she isn't alcoholic! 'Looking good' is a stage of the disease."

So for all of us out there that encounter the alcoholics we've left, if they aren't in recovery, they're not doing better, and we truly haven't left anything behind, or missed anything, or given up anything, regardless of how it might appear.

[MissFixit]

Hey John,

Thank you for this! It means a lot to me that you posted this, since you know what's up.

I have experienced this and tried really hard to focus on me and not him when I felt bad about his outsides seeming good and my insides feeling bad. BUT, as time passed and I remained focused on me I felt better. Ironically, the only stuff I have heard (which was awhile ago) is how badly he is doing. I don't have the ha ha feeling I thought I would have with that info. I am somewhat indifferent, but also a little sad that he has chosen such an unhealthy path for his life. Glad I am not in that mess anymore!

[ncgirl]

[QUOTE=sailorjohn;2425289]Thought I'd share this, read a post here in the F&F section, recalled reading a chapter in one of the Toby Rice Drews "Getting Them Sober" series, thought this was relevant to share, and something I need to keep in mind now.

"If the alcoholic 'looks good' it doesn't mean he or she isn't alcoholic! 'Looking good' is a stage of the disease."

The a ch in my life always looks good. He is great looking and that is how he has slid by. However, there are those days when my office buzzes me to tell me he is there and he walks in with his face totally swollen from being beaten up, or his face is so swollen from the alcohol and the lack of water. Then he looks terrible. BUT he cleans up beautifully. Big woop. It is the inside that is the problem. He only wants to clean up the physical end. On occasion, he has dealt with the emotional/psych end, but he does not want to work a program because he "knows" it "does not work". That my friends is the excuse to keep on doing what he does. he is not done. His spirit is fed by the pipe. And when he is exhausted, humiliated and shamed into saying he is done, he is only "done" temporarily. My experience, which is why I have no contact.

[transformyself]

Thanks Sailor. You coming here and posting is really helpful.

[Daisy30]

So true! Thanks.

My sponsor reminded me of this a while ago. and I needed to hear it again. She told me this story about her son:

He always "looked good". If they were going skiing he would buy all the right equiptment skis, poles. Have the right outerwear, hat, gloves, coat. He would get to the slopes and he was "looking good". BUT he couldn't ski, he was just "looking good" Looking like you can ski, doesn't actually mean you know how.

[sailorjohn]

Originally Posted by Daisy30

So true! Thanks.

My sponsor reminded me of this a while ago. and I needed to hear it again. She told me this story about her son:

He always "looked good". If they were going skiing he would buy all the right equiptment skis, poles. Have the right outerwear, hat, gloves, coat. He would get to the slopes and he was "looking good". BUT he couldn't ski, he was just "looking good" Looking like you can ski, doesn't actually mean you know how.

I am a skier-not very good-when I was learning a long time ago a fellow skier told me that generally, skiing ability was inversely proportional to the amount of money the skier spent on clothes and equipment!

[honoryourself]

LOL This reminds me of my AH and his starting a business--- he was more concerned with the way his new office looked, and whether his desk was professional looking and filling up the space with chairs and tables and conference areas for conferences he'd never get around to scheduling.. It was like priority #1 is to look like a legit money-making business. Priority #2--actually working to make the money, was way down below that. I could never understand how someone could be so proud of how the office looked when there was no money being made. It's all about appearances I guess! If you look successful you must be successful! Hence the nice cars, the nice house, the dog and the wife (Me!). He LOOKS responsible because he has a lot of things to be responsible FOR. That doesn't mean he's being responsible. I think that's the confusion.

[Daisy30]

Originally Posted by sailorjohn

I am a skier-not very good-when I was learning a long time ago a fellow skier told me that generally, skiing ability was inversely proportional to the amount of money the skier spent on clothes and equipment!

[TakingCharge999]

THANKS SAILOR!

Nice car, home etc is right, everything seems to be a show.

Thanks for sharing this, as I constantly see ex, I have been fooled a lot of times thinking he's got it right, and I am the one exaggerating, making drama etc. but now thanks to the support I got I feel stronger and I know better.

My mantra lately when I see him is "I do remember, and I am not fooled by you anymore."

When I overhear his quacks I leave immediately if I can, climb the stairs and make time so he leaves and when I come back he is not around. Works for me. I feel great when I go through the main door instead of staying at my place overhearing his stupid comments that still harm. I love to think POWER IS NOT HAVING TO RESPOND as ppl say around here... and yes he can quack all he wants about his wonderful life and the fun he has and the love he feels and how great his life is. I DONT HAVE TO LISTEN. And one day I wont give a damn either.

By now he and his usual friends probably noticed I always leave when he comes near me but I am past caring about their opinion :ghug2