Detaching...or trying to.....

[Dreamer42long]

If you guys remember my story a week or so ago, my ABF suddenly and without warning came to my house while I was as work and cleared out most of his stuff. He left his key on the table then called me up and told me he had “enough of my crap.” My crap….right….this is all MY fault.

This past Wednesday, he called me from work, sober and sweet as could be and said, “I’d really like to see you and go someplace so we can talk. Can we do something this weekend? With a grain of salt, I said, “Sure.” I did want the chance to talk to him because I was going to say that I don’t want to see him as long as he refuses to get help. “I need to work on me and you need to work on you and we can’t do that while we’re together…” That was the brunt of my speech. Anyway, he said he’d call me Thursday night so we could meet up Friday.

Well true to form, he never called, then called me Friday afternoon (drunk) and told me that he couldn’t make it and asked if I still wanted to see him this weekend. I said, “I don’t know,” hung up on him.

Fast forward to this afternoon, I just came from his house. Not to talk because I knew he’d be drunk, but to finally collect my things. I didn’t want to go over and clear out my stuff until my daughter was away for the weekend at her dad’s.

Anyway, I summoned my courage, repeated out loud to myself, ‘I’m just getting my things and leaving, getting my things and leaving, getting my things and leaving.”

I get there and he was outside putzing in the garage. I walked up to him and said, “Hi.” He had that ugly grimace on his face that confirms to me that he’s drunk. I quietly said, “Still drinking, huh?” To which he replied, “Of course!” I told him I just came for my things. I followed him inside and he starts murmuring under his breath about me cheating and he’s doesn’t want the guitar I bought him because “my other boyfriend” helped me pick it out (whaaaa???)

His mother was inside (this house is actually HER house). She is elderly and he’s supposed to be there helping her out, but she ends up taking care of him. She and I have always gotten along great but she enables him because she allows him to stay, lets him bring alcohol into the house, won’t tell him he’s got to get help or move out (“He’s my son, I’m not going to throw him out.”) So instead she puts up with his behavior then tells me she feels like a prisoner in her own house. “So kick him out,” I say, but she refuses.

What really upset me today is that she wouldn’t even look at me when I tried to talk to her. It’s like she’s given in to everything. For awhile she was being so strong and was going to Al-anon meetings with me. But now she’s just given up and given in. I told her as respectfully as I could that I hope she’s ready to live this way and wished her luck.”
I wish I knew why she is giving in to him.

Got in my car and cried.

Please tell me the worst is over. I feel some relief but I’m definitely in mourning over all the good times passed and the dreams we shared for the future. This man is the love of my life and his disease is destroying him. I just can’t watch anymore. It’s too painful.

Thanks for reading, I think I'll go cry some more while I change my locks.

[tjp613]

I'm sorry, Dreamer.

[gns]

I am so sorry this is so hard Dreamer.
It is the start of a beautiful life for you!

[intheknow]

Dreamer, it will be ok. This, too, shall pass.

[mermaidgirl]

Dreamer-we all give you a hug. It sucks-there is no way around that. Tomorrow? New day. And you know one of the slogans is "one day at a time". My heart just aches for you, as do a lot of us. Just give yourself plenty of room to grieve and to get thru it. You will-get thru it.

[husbandofacoa]

Remember the saying: "when I got busy, I got better". Fill you time with good things. Do something for you. Go to every alanon meeting that you can. This pain will pass.

You have done what is right for you. Hang in there.

[Electa]

Hello Dreamer:

I've been in your situation. You have my sympathies, as the situation you describe is maddening, frustrating, disheartening beyond belief. It simply eats away at you.

Your alcoholic BF and his mother are "enmeshed". Maybe she will be able to escape the web that has her tied to, and enabling, her son. Maybe not. It's hard to predict. Certainly she has had the opportunity, the information, and even the support (you gave her) but has chosen to remain in the web. It is unfortunate, but is her decision.

Since you can't control or remedy the dynamic (although clearly you've tried) the best thing you can do for yourself is remove yourself. Yes, this will be painful for you, but to continue to stay in this toxic environment is to continue subjecting yourself to continued grief and pain. Consider, too, that your removing yourself may actually shake some sense into at least the mother. But, bottom line, leave for yourself, not anyone else.

I read a bit of advice once from, of all people, Bill Gates. It related to business, of course, but the essence of his advice was to put time and energy into those people who have promise, and who will benefit from the time and effort. Trying to "save" or "shore up" non-performers or underperformers (like the alcoholic and the enabler) is not likely to pay off.

Good luck to you.

Electa

[Dreamer42long]

Thanks everyone for your support. I means so much to me.

[Lavash]

Dreamer, I feel your pain, but you are so strong to have walked away knowing it was enough.

Part of your story reminds me of when I left my current BF 2 yrs ago when he was verbally abusive to me.
A week into it, he wanted his stuff. I told he could come when I got home from work and that I would put it outside so as to not have any confrontation with him
Well HE decided it was OK to come while I was at work. He used his key, came in, took his stuff and left (so he said)
When we got back together 2 months later, he confessed that day when he came here while I was at work, he read my journal and searched through my house to see if he could find evidence that I was cheating on him.
He took the propane tank off the bbq and I asked him why and he said "so you're other boyfriend could not use the bbq"

I've NEVER even gave him reason to think I was ever cheating. They just cannot accept that they are just aholes and JUST maybe we left because of them.

To be honest, I wish I never went back to him then. I would be home free now, but for whatever reason, I think this sad relationship is pushing me to heal wounds I've had for a long time.
Without all his insanity, I would not have gone to Al Anon

Stay focused. I know how much this pain sucks!

[tjp613]

Hi Dreamer! Whatcha got planned for today? How are you feeling? Thinking of you....

[Dreamer42long]

HE decided it was OK to come while I was at work. He used his key, came in, took his stuff and left (so he said)
When we got back together 2 months later, he confessed that day when he came here while I was at work, he read my journal and searched through my house to see if he could find evidence that I was cheating on him.
He took the propane tank off the bbq and I asked him why and he said "so you're other boyfriend could not use the bbq"

I've NEVER even gave him reason to think I was ever cheating. They just cannot accept that they are just aholes and JUST maybe we left because of them.

Lavash, you made me laugh! Thanks for that! I too had a bbq, but he actually bought it for me so I didn't bother (nor did I want) to ask for it back! I like what you said about that they can't accept that they are the A-holes so they make us the bad guys.

Wow, I didn't even think about him maybe reading my journal....I know that he did go through my drawers (including my underwear drawer) he left some of them half open and I've got a thing about closing drawers completely.

[Dreamer42long]

tjp613: I woke up today and the first thing I said to myself, "It's a NEW day!" I have to admit I cried myself to sleep last night, but today I feel much better.

It's a beautiful fall day here in NY and I have leaves to rake (which I like to do). I even went out and bought a leaf blower (I went to Home Depot all by myself without my ABF, imagine that!!)

Thanks so much for thinking of me!

Here's wishing you a great day yourself!

[Lavash]

Originally Posted by Dreamer42long

Lavash, you made me laugh! Thanks for that! I too had a bbq, but he actually bought it for me so I didn't bother (nor did I want) to ask for it back! I like what you said about that they can't accept that they are the A-holes so they make us the bad guys.

Wow, I didn't even think about him maybe reading my journal....I know that he did go through my drawers (including my underwear drawer) he left some of them half open and I've got a thing about closing drawers completely.

Here's the real funny part, this happened in the month of Feb, and since I never use the BBQ alone (one blew up in my face years ago and knocked me out) I had NO idea the tank was missing.
It's when we got back together in April and he wanted to have a BBQ and went to start it and the tank was gone.

I said "Oh no, someone must have stolen it" He didn't say a word
Then he said "No, I took it when we broke up when I came into your house"
I said "Why would you do that"
He said "cause I thought u were leaving me for another guy and I didn't want you both to enjoy my BBQ"

He was really embarassed. As he should be
I left him that time because it was my first day back at work after a 3 month sick leave and I was SO tired that first day back. He got on line and someone from a msg board we both went to was dissing jews and he was going to tell this guy off, but using my nickname. I told him not cool and please don't do it/ He said "That's right, you're a f&cking anti-semite"

I went into my bedroom and said "I don't need this on my first day back. I have lupus, am tired and my anxiety is really high"
He follows me into the bedroom and I say "apologize or leave"
He says in a smart a%ss voice "Sorryyyyyyyyyy, ok better you baby"

I said "SEE YA"
Kicked him out and left him

NOOOOOOOOO, but I was leaving for another guy. Must have been! There is NOW WAY I was leaving cause he was acting like a douche!

He went out and slept with someone RIGHT AWAY because he thougth I would. It would have taken me a LONG time to even look at another guy during those days.
His mind is truly warped!

Then when we got back together and he told me he slept with someone, he asked if I did and I said "R U OUTTA YOUR MIND, no, I was crying for 2 months"
He said "If you did, I would have left and never come back"

HAHAHAH...............ahhhhhhhhhhhhh addicts are funny!

[Dreamer42long]

Lavash: It's amazing how they lie and when they later own up to it, we're supposed to just let it roll off our backs, you know?

"Oh, it's okay, you called me a cheating ***** and an F-ing b*t*h. That's okay honey pie, I deserved it!" That's what they expect because they feel so horrible about themselves, they want us to feel bad about ourselves too. Misery loves company, I guess.

My ABF came into my house 3 times. The first time he took mostly everything. The second time I caught him in my garage. I came home from work and I don't think he expected to see me yet and he was in my garage. His truck was in the driveway and I blocked him in. I got out of the car and he got into his really quick and he could not even look me in the eye. I asked him what he was doing here and all he could say was let me out, let me out. I wasn't going to argue with him so I told him not to come over here again. But then he came over that 3rd time and that's when he took more stuff of his and went on my computer and erased his account even went through my pantry and took some food that I guess he thought was his.

Something I just discovered in my pantry tonight. I was looking for juice and I keep it on the floor in pantry. As I looked down, there in the corner was an empty can of beer! Now in the 4 years we have been together he has NEVER brought any alcohol to my house and I keep none either. I have an 8 yr old and I made it clear that NO BOOZE in my house. Him leaving that can just sitting on the floor in my pantry waaaayyy in the back was him trying to tell me, "nah nah nah, I was here and I brought beer with me." What a jack-**S.