How do you overcome the destruction?

[Bohn05]

How do you overcome the destruction, depression, feelings of hopelessness you are left with from being with an alcoholic. I still cannot believe another person can be so heartless and cruel. The alcoholic actually ends up in a better place then teh people they destroy without a care in the world. My financee or ex financee whatever he is just treats me beyond horrible. He bullies me, only ever see me to sleep with me and then I have to pay for the motel, never pays his half of the cell phone bills he begged me to add him to, admitted he womanizes and I am so lonely and depressed and he is having a good old time somewhere tonight. Told me he was going to a AA meeting--who knows? Still blames me for everything--I am never around etc.

So depressed I just do not feel like doing or talking to anyone. Need serious help and soon.

Thanks

[transformyself]

Hi Bohn

I once felt like you do too, and still can when I allow myself to interact with my alchoholic. The pain and horror you describe is what I get every single time.

He bullies me, only ever see me to sleep with me and then I have to pay for the motel,

My dear, why do you have to pay for the motel? Why are you sleeping with a man who disrespects you so? Can you stop? If not, you may be where I was just a few weeks ago, a month ago. My alcoholic was my drug and I needed to go cold turkey before I felt better.

never pays his half of the cell phone bills he begged me to add him to

This ones easy. Cancel it!

admitted he womanizes

which includes you apparently. So just say no!

and I am so lonely and depressed and he is having a good old time somewhere tonight. Told me he was going to a AA meeting--who knows? Still blames me for everything--I am never around etc.

Do you have children? If not, your answer is easy. Do you have other friends? How about a hobby? Or any other aspect of your life that you are interested in besides your relationship with this man?

Leaving my abusive, womanizing, unrepentive, controlling, selfish, childish husband was one of the hardest things I've ever done--even though he had treated me so badly.

But I started looking at the reasons why i stayed with someone who treated me so badly, started turning the focus on myself.

That is how I got out of the pain and destruction, even though I do slip back into the pain, but at least I no longer live with him.

I'm so glad you're here and I"m sure others will have way more wisdom to share.

[Still Waters]

I concur with what transform has already written.

I have a question for you Bohn: How would you treat you, if you were your boyfriend?

Bring yourself flowers? Call regularly just to say hi and hear your voice? Plan something nice for your birthday?

[ElegantlyWasted]

Hate to say it, but those in the immediate proximity of alkies are just as troubled as an active addict in alto of cases. You guys should have some kind of program too. Try alanon, it's frightenly similar to aa (in a good way). The alkies issues are not your issues and you should try to find a way to not let their behavior while they are active impact you. If you have; you've got baggage that could use some reprocessing. It's not your fault, but it is your problem. There are many ways
to get to a better place. Alot of great advice on the boards here. Humbly on day 102.

"The alcoholic actually ends up in a better place then teh people they destroy..."

Doesn't have to be the case. You could be setting up a self fufilling prophecy by thinking that too much. Focus on you! What makes you happy and content that you can realistically achieve. Make it your journey and have fun!

[jleighster]

I wish we all didn't feel like the way we do. But reading everyone else's posts makes me feel normal, like I'm not alone in the path of destruction created by Hurricane our alcoholic boyfriends, husbands, wives, etc.

"The alcoholic actually ends up in a better place then teh people they destroy..."

So true, whether they are still drinking or sober and in recovery. My boyfriend is 10 1/2 months sober now and his selfish tendencies are worse than ever. He gets to run off to meetings and, when he is acting like a jerk, has this imaginary "get out of jail free" card because he's an alcoholic. Sometimes I just feel like saying, "How about you man up and take responsibilty for the things you've done rather than just blame it on your drinking or your recovery?"

Everyone praises the alcoholic for doing the right thing and going into recovery, but what about the person at home who sat on edge every night or, in my case, was up rubbing his legs all night when he went cold turkey of the oxy's and should've been in detox because the DT's were so bad?? There is no reward, no praise, not even a feeling of accomplishment. We are stuck with all of the bad memories that they were too drunk to form. We have to forgive but it is impossible to forget.

[Bohn05]

So very true Jleighster--mine is out with another women tonight while I sit home alone and miserable. He has destroyed my life, I used to be so happy, a good mom and enjoy my work and friends. Now I am too depressed to do anything. Just feel like ending it all!!! Just cannot believe how heartless and cruel the alcoholic can be. Like it is funny they hurt and destroy you while they go along merrily with their lives and go on to the next women like you were nothing and then blame it all on you besides,

[Chrysalis123]

Originally Posted by jleighster

"The alcoholic actually ends up in a better place then the people they destroy..."

I am Chrys, and I am a codependent. I made a mess of my own life, when my concerns over someone else's behavior and choices became my business more than my own life. I made a mess of my life when I decided to focus more on him than me because it was too terrifying to look deep into my own soul and face my own demons. I made a mess of my own life the first time I let him emotionally abuse me, when we were dating, excused it as an unnatural occurence, and then pretended it was not happening regularly for the next 20 years....oh, and I blamed him too for the entire time. I made a mess of my own life when I thought he put me in "prison", when in reality I had put myself there (with the key in my own pocket all along).

In my case, I am slowly becoming thankful for all my dealings with the alcoholic because without them I would still be in my prison....

Was it easy to get out? NO! But I am happy with myself now and his welfare is just that...his to own and do with as he sees fit.

[Bohn05]

So you got out of the relationship Chrysl and are doing alright? THat is good to hear. I do like the part about being in my own prison with the key right in my own hand. It sure does feel like a prison and I do need to get out as it is destroying me completely.

[reata]

I try to cope by breaking my life down in small manageable pieces. Today the pieces are micro and even then it has been a challenge for me.

23 years of marriage and tonight marks my second night since leaving.

All the input here is so comforting and helpful to me because it reminds
me to stay true to getting healthier, mind-body & soul. It is so hard
when the pain is so raw.

I feel so beat up and lost.

He appears to be not so beat up and maintains I just have
too many relationship expectations.

Is it too much to want things like love, respect, kindness & honesty
from your husband.

He maintains that there are women out there that don't have as
deep a need for such things.

I never have known anything close to "normal" so I question myself
often -- but aren't the qualities I am longing for the basics for
humanity 101?

The destruction to me is like getting caught in an ongoing tornado
and the good days are when you are in the eye of the storm and
it is a relief because things are not getting whipped around and turned upside down but you can't relax because you know it is temporary and you wait anxiously for the chaos to return with the other side of the storm.

[sailorjohn]

You may or may not feel better as soon as you leave.

This sounds flaky, but the very first time I-a long story, won't bore you-said goodbye to the ex I felt literally like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

The longer we stay away, the more we work on ourselves, the better we feel.

It takes time, but it's worth it, you are worth it

[Bohn05]

So you got out of the relationship Chrysl and are doing alright? THat is good to hear. I do like the part about being in my own prison with the key right in my own hand. It sure does feel like a prison and I do need to get out as it is destroying me completely.

[Chrysalis123]

Yes, I got out. The pain of staying was worse than the fear of leaving so I had the courage and conviction to leave. I had to for my kids. It took a long time (20 years) for me to be done, as I now know I was pretty messed up emotionally.

You have been posting here for almost a year, and your situation with him is only becoming worse. My question for you is when will you be done? When will you decide to care for you and your son? You have that key in your pocket, you have the power to get happy again.

[megan09]

I am going to quote tough love here. I try and remember the saying "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me". I understand your feelings Bohn; but you are allowing yourself to be treated like this. Why would he change? You are letting him walk all over you. I left my ABF 13 months ago, and although it was painful emotionally on me and terrifying at times, I had come to the point where it was too painful to stay IN the relationship. Today I feel good, see him in a different light (a very sick individual) and would never want to be in another relationship like that. In fact, I know I will never again settle for crumbs and abuse. There is light at the end of the tunnel. You are worth more than this. With love and prayers.

[intheknow]

Lightbulb moments happen all the time here.

Is it too painful to stay in the relationship?

Doesn't mean you don't love him, or care about him, or care about your kids. It simply means you are choosing to take a different path for your life. It means you are finally in control.

[Bohn05]

Yes just found out he did take another women to the movies last night. Suppose to be punishment for me never being around. Did he ever take me to the movies in the three years we have know each other--no!!!! I guess I am paying for a cell phone for him to make dates with other women on. Always tells me he has no money to do anything. I even had to pay for the motel room last Sunday which is all I get by the way. A roll in the hay--no movies for the financee just for the other women!!! They really really know how to hurt and destroy you don't they??

[gerryP]

Bohn, my dear....

Your post (this one) describes exactly, to the letter, the same situation, behaviour and treatment that you have continued to accept over the last year from this man you *still* hope to marry.

If nothing changes, *nothing* changes....

Honey...I'm at a loss as to why you are keeping him in your life....

[chrisea]

get a different cell phone, (1 that he's not on the plan) it's not easy, but later you will thank yourself. He maybe upset, but then, he may have to get another woman (enabler). After he finds he can't get what he needs from you. That's what mine did & am so thankful now.
For me, it was how many times am I going to take this...

I have a question for you Bohn: How would you treat you, if you were your boyfriend?

Bring yourself flowers? Plan something nice for you.

Until I find that person willing to do the things I would like done. Well I'll still be here with a big smile You may think he has the time of his life. But in my life, I finally am.

[abcdefg]

Originally Posted by ElegantlyWasted

Hate to say it, but those in the immediate proximity of alkies are just as troubled as an active addict in alto of cases. You guys should have some kind of program too. Try alanon, it's frightenly similar to aa (in a good way). The alkies issues are not your issues and you should try to find a way to not let their behavior while they are active impact you.

I agree 1000 percent! As a pure Al-anon, let me fully back up EW's statement.

We DO have a program and we need it DESPERATELY. I strongly suggest Al-anon to anyone who is dealing with someone's drinking or sobriety.

We (Al-anons) work the 12 steps of AA OURSELVES. It's absolutely crucial that we find our own healing and recovery. We are very, very sick. Some are sicker than others but there are universal consequences to living with someone else's alcoholism (or addiction). Usually as we dig a little, we find that it's no coincidence that we have been involved with alcoholics and we get to look at what in us is drawn to people who are so deeply in their disease that they are (or become) unavailable and needy.

My life was thoroughly destroyed by another's disease. I had NOTHING when I arrived at Al-anon. I was so shattered I couldn't even see straight. I began to work the program -- and I was pretty ticked off about doing it. But I did it. It works. All you need is willingness.