My story - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

stella27 · 11-07-2009, 12:37 PM

Wow. I am so lucky to have found this site. I have a lot that I need to share.

AH and I were married 15 years ago and we have 3 children, ages 8, 7, and 2. We are both 39. He was diagnosed bipolar 6 years ago and was hospitalized. Since then he has regularly taken his BP meds, and has been self-employed, and from the outside, was functioning really well.

However, in the last few years, his anger and his drinking have gone out of control. He was always angry with me; he had begun spending all his time sitting in front of the TV or taking the children off somewhere. But never me. Instead he had gotten more and more nasty with me. If he was actively drinking, he was in a mild mood. When he was sober, any little thing would set him off and he would rage. In the last year we had been in marriage counseling because my children were living in a chaotic and hateful environment and were learning all kinds of bad coping skills - including lying to mo so that dad wouldn't get in trouble.

On a family vacation, he became angry with me when I asked him to participate more with me and the kids, and he ended up telling me he wanted a divorce and leaving our vacation spot and driving home (16 hours) and leaving me and the kids there.

When I got home he wanted to reconcile, and our psychologist encouraged me to, and so for 5 days we lived together. On Day 6 my 8 yr old son had a surgery scheduled (outpatient, but with anesthesia). My AH went out with a buddy the night before, got drunk, passed out, and slept through the surgery. When our sitter came to help get the other 2 kids ready for school, H was asleep, and my 6 yr old and 2 yr old were in the kitchen together while the 6 year old was packing her lunch.

I told AH that if he would agree to stop drinking and enter AA or other program that I would stay and work on arriage -- otherwise it was over. He has chosen alcohol over us.

I am angry; I am devastated; I am sad; I am furious; I am embarrassed; you name it, I feel it.

We are in the process of divorcing. I have asked him to agree not to ingest alcohol while he has custody of the kids (2-3 wknds a month). he won't agree, so I guess he wants the whole courthouse and the judge to hear the history and why I am asking. he thinks I am trying to control him. Honestly, I am THROUGH trying to control him or take care of him in any way. I only want my kids to be safe and supervised when they are in his care.

I am asking for insight, similar stories, friendship, support, etc. I am lonely and it sucks to be constantly worrying about my little ones when they are with him. But our house is calm, quiet, loving, and pleasant, and the kids and I are getting used to our new life. They miss him like crazy, and sometimes I do, too...but his behavior was too unpredictable and only getting worse.

kv816 · 11-07-2009, 02:26 PM

Hi Stella and welcome to Sober Recovery!! You have come to the right place to gain insight into all that feels like it's crumbling around you.

I am in a very bad spot myself, day 6 of no contact with my alcoholic, so I'm not much for encouraging words right now. I am just as angry, devastated, sad, furious embarrassed and all other feelings out there too. It's hard to think clearly when your mind is a roller coaster of emotions and woulda, coulda, shouldas.

Hang in there! Keep coming back here and reading all you can. Weekends can be slow, but others will be along to give you their thoughts and words.

(((((HUGS)))))

sailorjohn · 11-07-2009, 02:47 PM

Welcome!!!

Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.

Dreamer42long · 11-07-2009, 02:53 PM

I know exactly how you feel. I feel all of those things myself right now. I joined SR a week ago and even in this short time, I am feeling a little better every day. I am hooked to this site and find a lot of comforting and insightful words of wisdom. I started keeping a journal and that also helps a lot.

Keep visiting, I'm sure your heart is heavy now as is mine, but we need to take it "a day at a time."

(((hugs)))

tjp613 · 11-07-2009, 04:16 PM

I'm sorry to tell you this but if you knowingly allow your alcoholic to "care for" your kids without supervision, that may be considered child abandonment or neglect. Check the laws in your state.

whereisthisgoin · 11-07-2009, 04:50 PM

This board is an excellent resource. Hope you hang around..there is a lot to learn. What I find most fascinating, is the similarity of experiences. It has helped me to feel neither alone or insane, which has helped me tremendously.

I'll be paying attention as you forge your way through custody. I am still with my AH and we have a 13 y.o son. One of the reasons for staying is that I cannot imagine leaving him alone with my son. We're taking it day to day.

I hope you are taking care of yourself. It's tough.

husbandofacoa · 11-07-2009, 07:36 PM

Being away from his mind games and disfunction will help you and your kids tremendously. If you have not tried alanon, please do. It will give you face to face friends who have been where you are.

Chrysalis123 · 11-07-2009, 07:47 PM

Welcome Stella. You havew found a great place with many wise ones, that have walked in your shoes. Weekends can be slow, so people will be along in awhile to give you a welcome.

I was in an 18 year marriage with 2 kids 9 and 12 when I decided to divorce. What helped me most, in no order, were individual counseling with a counselor experienced with addictions/codependents (I went through a couple of them until I found a good fit) an excellent lawyer for the divorce/custody issues, Alanon, reading as much as I could on addictions and codependency...Codependent No More, How Alanon Works, and Why Does He Do That? were and are favorites of mine, I found a good church to attend and made a conscious effort to get the kids around healthy men/fathers, and I had the kids in counseling for a time.

Oh, I prayed a lot too. It was a giant roller coaster of emotions for awhile there and this place was a wonderful resource for me.

11-07-2009, 12:37 PM	#1 (permalink)
stella27 Member Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Southwest Posts: 3	My story Wow. I am so lucky to have found this site. I have a lot that I need to share. AH and I were married 15 years ago and we have 3 children, ages 8, 7, and 2. We are both 39. He was diagnosed bipolar 6 years ago and was hospitalized. Since then he has regularly taken his BP meds, and has been self-employed, and from the outside, was functioning really well. However, in the last few years, his anger and his drinking have gone out of control. He was always angry with me; he had begun spending all his time sitting in front of the TV or taking the children off somewhere. But never me. Instead he had gotten more and more nasty with me. If he was actively drinking, he was in a mild mood. When he was sober, any little thing would set him off and he would rage. In the last year we had been in marriage counseling because my children were living in a chaotic and hateful environment and were learning all kinds of bad coping skills - including lying to mo so that dad wouldn't get in trouble. On a family vacation, he became angry with me when I asked him to participate more with me and the kids, and he ended up telling me he wanted a divorce and leaving our vacation spot and driving home (16 hours) and leaving me and the kids there. When I got home he wanted to reconcile, and our psychologist encouraged me to, and so for 5 days we lived together. On Day 6 my 8 yr old son had a surgery scheduled (outpatient, but with anesthesia). My AH went out with a buddy the night before, got drunk, passed out, and slept through the surgery. When our sitter came to help get the other 2 kids ready for school, H was asleep, and my 6 yr old and 2 yr old were in the kitchen together while the 6 year old was packing her lunch. I told AH that if he would agree to stop drinking and enter AA or other program that I would stay and work on arriage -- otherwise it was over. He has chosen alcohol over us. I am angry; I am devastated; I am sad; I am furious; I am embarrassed; you name it, I feel it. We are in the process of divorcing. I have asked him to agree not to ingest alcohol while he has custody of the kids (2-3 wknds a month). he won't agree, so I guess he wants the whole courthouse and the judge to hear the history and why I am asking. he thinks I am trying to control him. Honestly, I am THROUGH trying to control him or take care of him in any way. I only want my kids to be safe and supervised when they are in his care. I am asking for insight, similar stories, friendship, support, etc. I am lonely and it sucks to be constantly worrying about my little ones when they are with him. But our house is calm, quiet, loving, and pleasant, and the kids and I are getting used to our new life. They miss him like crazy, and sometimes I do, too...but his behavior was too unpredictable and only getting worse.

11-07-2009, 02:26 PM	#2 (permalink)
kv816 Only stepping forward Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Alabama, USA Posts: 225	Hi Stella and welcome to Sober Recovery!! You have come to the right place to gain insight into all that feels like it's crumbling around you. I am in a very bad spot myself, day 6 of no contact with my alcoholic, so I'm not much for encouraging words right now. I am just as angry, devastated, sad, furious embarrassed and all other feelings out there too. It's hard to think clearly when your mind is a roller coaster of emotions and woulda, coulda, shouldas. Hang in there! Keep coming back here and reading all you can. Weekends can be slow, but others will be along to give you their thoughts and words. (((((HUGS))))) __________________ When suffering becomes more difficult than changing, it's time to change. There comes a point in your life when you get tired of chasing everyone and trying to fix everything. It's not giving up. It's realizing you don't need certain people or the drama they bring.

11-07-2009, 02:47 PM	#3 (permalink)
sailorjohn Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: MI Posts: 2,035	Welcome!!! Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here. __________________ No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path. Buddha

11-07-2009, 04:16 PM	#5 (permalink)
tjp613 Member Join Date: May 2009 Location: Texas Posts: 411 Blog Entries: 1	I'm sorry to tell you this but if you knowingly allow your alcoholic to "care for" your kids without supervision, that may be considered child abandonment or neglect. Check the laws in your state. __________________ ....You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.... -Max Ehrmann

11-07-2009, 04:50 PM	#6 (permalink)
whereisthisgoin Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 58	This board is an excellent resource. Hope you hang around..there is a lot to learn. What I find most fascinating, is the similarity of experiences. It has helped me to feel neither alone or insane, which has helped me tremendously. I'll be paying attention as you forge your way through custody. I am still with my AH and we have a 13 y.o son. One of the reasons for staying is that I cannot imagine leaving him alone with my son. We're taking it day to day. I hope you are taking care of yourself. It's tough. __________________ A heart should be drawn with shaky lines. Love and trepidation at the same time. Yes, a heart should be drawn with shaky lines. --whereisthisgoin

11-07-2009, 02:53 PM	#4 (permalink)
Dreamer42long Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Long Island, NY Posts: 22	I know exactly how you feel. I feel all of those things myself right now. I joined SR a week ago and even in this short time, I am feeling a little better every day. I am hooked to this site and find a lot of comforting and insightful words of wisdom. I started keeping a journal and that also helps a lot. Keep visiting, I'm sure your heart is heavy now as is mine, but we need to take it "a day at a time." (((hugs)))

11-07-2009, 07:36 PM	#7 (permalink)
husbandofacoa Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 29	Being away from his mind games and disfunction will help you and your kids tremendously. If you have not tried alanon, please do. It will give you face to face friends who have been where you are.

11-07-2009, 07:47 PM	#8 (permalink)
Chrysalis123 Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: USA Posts: 604	Welcome Stella. You havew found a great place with many wise ones, that have walked in your shoes. Weekends can be slow, so people will be along in awhile to give you a welcome. I was in an 18 year marriage with 2 kids 9 and 12 when I decided to divorce. What helped me most, in no order, were individual counseling with a counselor experienced with addictions/codependents (I went through a couple of them until I found a good fit) an excellent lawyer for the divorce/custody issues, Alanon, reading as much as I could on addictions and codependency...Codependent No More, How Alanon Works, and Why Does He Do That? were and are favorites of mine, I found a good church to attend and made a conscious effort to get the kids around healthy men/fathers, and I had the kids in counseling for a time. Oh, I prayed a lot too. It was a giant roller coaster of emotions for awhile there and this place was a wonderful resource for me.

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