Relapse

[Buffalo66]

Many of you may remember me from a few years ago. My sons' father was a severe and neglecting drunk. He had done things that were truly unforgivable, but, of course I forgave and let him back...I was ashamed and therefore did not login for ages.

Well, He pulled himself together somewhat, got a job, wakes up at 6 everyday, cut out the liquor all together and drinks a minimum of lite beer at night.

He has been giving financial support for the first time in 4 1/2 years (my sons age), and he is comng home instead of staying out and sleeping around. It has been three months.

There is no program work, no therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist, or other help.

Now for the clincher: He has become the most controlling and outrageously abusive person on earth. He is Self righteous, calls everyone lazy, he is so far gone on his Self righteous kick, that I really do not think he hears how offensive he is being everyday. Three months of working, and he has forgotten that he just spent 5 years or more living as a full on transient couch surfing, jobless, and sleeping with girls to support his habit.

He claimed that since he was working and I am so lazy that I was not to leave the house at all if he had to work the next day, since I have to wake him up, and in his twisted projecting delusion I was going to stay out all night(?). I never stay out all night, am very responsible...If I tried to relate to his frustration about not having alot of free time, he would scream that I have no idea what it is like to be an adult! He WORKS, OK??? I do nothing. It takes NOTHINg to be a parent, and he is offended... Everday he would say if I am going to be the type of woman who has to "have a life", then he can and will go elsewhere, because, now HE is the healthy one making money and I am a lazy *uck who just lays around collecting his cash. Everyday he would threaten that now he has some value, and he doesnt need me---he can find any 20something who would love a man who works and can comply with his needs and what they require.

Um.... My question is, is this normal when the drunk gets some footing? He is obviously mentally troubled. But is this some type of DRY DRUNK? even though he still drinks the lite beer? Where does all this extreme and embarrassing self righteousness come from?

Well, I called his bluff yesterday, and when I got a sitter so that I could go and perform to meet an advertised obligation, he said I was an attention *****, and if this is who I am going to be he WILL leave me so I better shape up. I said go ahead and go. He did.

He has told all our friends and his family that he did everything I asked him to do, pulled himself together, stayed home, and that I failed him. I needed to be free and go out too much! (three times in 3 months,without him)
He continually says that I am now the ONLY NEGATIVE force in his life, and that he need s to move on to find a more positive life. ALL this after THREE MONTHS!!

any thoughts? any experiences with this?

[transformyself]

oh I"ve got some thoughts all right.

This man is a monster. He's lucky you didn't stab him in his sleep, all though once the anger state hits that still will be an option.
Change the locks and get a lawyer. Don't look back.
You do not deserve to be treated this way.

What do you think of that? I mean it. Do you just want us to tell you how to change him? How do get him to respect you?

I did this for a long time. Tried tried tried. You can't change him. So if you want to live your life this way, the way it is right now, you can.

I say change the locks and get a lawyer. Don't look back, except to sort out why you stayed for so long.

And I say this because that's what I"m doing. Untangling myself from a monster.

[stella27]

Wow. You need to keep on moving in the right direction. take care of yourself and your precious little boy.
I don't know why they can't hear how offensive they sound...it boggles my mind. Truly.

[transformyself]

Ok well I"m afraid that sounded way more judgemental and harsh than I wanted. I'm sorry.

I know where you are and how difficult this is. I hope you can get and stay away from someone who hurts you in so many ways. Truly.

But you will get there in the way you can. I hope you've read the stuff at the top of the page and have someone close by you who can help. I think you're in a dangerous situation, because in cases of abuse, when you leave is when things can escalate. Even if he's the one leaving.

[Kimmieh]

Sometimes it seems like the mean person - alcoholism connection can be dangerous because it gives us a reason to hang on (he is mean because of the alcohol/drugs or he is a dry drunk and with AA or working recovery, it will all get better). Sometimes people are just mean jerks and he sounds like one.

Ultimately, it does not matter why someone is mean - you deserve better!

[Mambo Queen]

And I guess I'll point out the obvious here too and state that he's not a dry drunk because he's not "dry". Lite beer still has alcohol in it. That used to be all I drank, and I got plenty drunk on it, believe me.

[intheknow]

Originally Posted by Mambo Queen

And I guess I'll point out the obvious here too and state that he's not a dry drunk because he's not "dry". Lite beer still has alcohol in it. That used to be all I drank, and I got plenty drunk on it, believe me.

My own RAH kept changing his drink of choice when the going got rough. It was somehow the fault of the alcohol, and had nothing to do with the amount being consumed in a sitting. Bud heavy was replaced with Bud light. Hard liquor was replaced with beer. At one point, beer was even replaced with N/A beer - but the entire 12 pack was gone in no time. The hard liquor was ok for a while as long as it was controlled amounts and not before or after a certain time on the clock.

We went thru long periods of not drinking, to be quickly followed with an all out bender. He is/was a binge drinker. Alcohol did not have the same after effects on him as it did on others, he was never hung over. Not that he admitted to anyway. He was a dry drunk too, never getting help - thinking that he could do it himself. Go to a few counseling sessions, read a few books, don't drink. Simple, right?

It was not until he decided to make a change that anything was going to be different. And he completed rehab and I can tell you that some things are different, but many things aren't.

Rehab took away the addiction, but didn't change the addict.

[myxomatosis]

if he is doing these things sober, or not as drunk, than he is an ass.
even when i was drinking, and very very drunk, i would never lash out at those around me. never. i think anyone who does has other mental problems, that are perhaps just escalated by alcohol.

im not someone to give advice, really. but if all these things are the case, get the he** away from him. keep adult family close by, be safe, dont trust for a second to be alone with an abuser like this.

please get away from it before you start to believe the crazy things he is saying. drunk or not does not matter. if someone is holding a knife and saying "im gonna stab you", i really dont care what his story is, drunk, on drugs, or just crazy. im getting away from the dude with the knife

[JenT1968]

frankly I don't care if he is doing this because he is in a "dry drunk", is a mean manipulative controlling jerk, has a personality disorder, is secretly drinking, is developing a brain tumour which is changing his personality, wasn't hugged enough as a child or whatever.

Can you work out why it is important to you to identify the reasons for him treating you like this? Do you think any of these reasons would mean that you have to stay there and accept this horrible behaviour? or do you think that any of these reasons would mean that this behaviour would right itself in time on its own?

Whatever the reason for this is, his behaviour towards you is way beyond unacceptable.

remember this relationship is teaching your children how to a) treat you and b) modelling their future relationships,

having a job for three months doesn't make you a hero or a god, (and I would expect either to act with more integrity and humility), if he can find a 20-something who thinks it does, pity her. ((())) you know all this, right now he is gone, you know the stages that come next, are you prepared?

if someone is holding a knife and saying "im gonna stab you", i really dont care what his story is, drunk, on drugs, or just crazy. im getting away from the dude with the knife

yes, yes and thrice yes

[Freedom1990]

There is no excuse for that type of behavior, period. Here's a good read on verbal abuse:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ening-you.html (Verbal Abuse-Is it happening to you?)