The Dreaded Holidays

[intheknow]

With the holidays coming up, I wanted to get your advice and opinion on how to handle it.

RAH has been gone from the family home since mid-September. Went to rehab and is now back at work - but not living at home. We have four children, two at home and two not at home.

I told myself that I am not doing anything - filing for divorce, legal separation or likewise - until January 1st. But, how do I handle the holidays? We normally have everyone (25-30 people) at our home for Thanksgiving. And then we spend Christmas going to each of our parents homes, and have another family Christmas with just us and the kids.

How do you handle it when your life has been turned upside down by this person? When the last thing you want to do is spend the day with them? But my kids are asking and they miss him.

[husbandofacoa]

I certainly don't have the answer for you; however, I have some ideas that may help you find your answer.

I was in an open AA meeting several years ago and one of the members was talking about Christmas and how his family acts and how it hurt his recovery. The more experienced members gave him a phrase that I have never forgotten: "It's just another damned day". In other words, we don't have to make our holidays what everyone else expects. We only have to do on these days what is right for us.

If we don't want to be with certain people or go to certain functions, treat that day like just another day. I know it is complicated with your kids, but don't over complicate it if you don't have to.

Figure out what you really want to do and what would be best for your kids and do that. It doesn't have to be all of the stuff you did in the past.

Good luck.

[tigger11]

Please don't take this the wrong way, and I dearly hope this doesn't sound mean, but if my AH leaves before Thanksgiving or Christmas, it'll make my holidays SO much better, even if I have to spend them alone.

[megan09]

I have spent the last few years dreading Xmas because they were all ruined by alcoholism. I parted company with my ABF of 9 years a year ago and this Xmas I am actually looking forward to! For the first time in years! I have a four year old and the day will be about him. As a recovering alcoholic myself I just treat it as one day, a dinner with tinsel. That is all it is. Look to the New Year as a new beginning; I wish you well.

[Kassie2]

Thanks for bringing up the inevitable... the holidays.... I was just wondering myself. Every holiday with my RAH -not in recovery were unpredictable, chaotic and tiring. I followed through on plans as much as I could b/c of my kids and just tried to get through one day at a time. I think we all have terrible memories to deal with, but the point of the holiday as I learned is to focus on what it is really about and let go of the rest.

I would suggest do the things that the kids want modestly - meaning you can have a smaller dinner, or have everyone bring a dish so that you aren't expected to do too much. Plan to keep it short and if things go ok, people can hang out longer -you do this by the time you set up the meal. You can modify gift giving any number of ways to reduce stress and be creative at the same time. Some years I have made plans to attend holiday shows or events or watch movies etc. sometimes I have spent them quietly reading uplifting material by candlelight in front of the tree with my gourmet tea.

I have more ideas... mostly the focus for me starts with the purpose of the holiday and I let the family/cultural pressures in as much as I can and cut out what I can't handle. One thing I have learned painfully is that there are no restaurants open for C dinner - not even in hotels where I live. That's a major disappointment.

[MissFixit]

I choose to spend holidays with the least amount of stress and BS. If someone gets mad at my choices, then that is their problem.