How long before you had an Al Anon Sponsor?

[Lavash]

How long were you in Al Anon before you got a sponsor and worked the steps?
Do you need to work the steps with a sponsor?

How much commitment does it take?
I'm not very familiar with the sponsor process?

Thanks

[DesertEyes]

In a perfect world, a sponsor is a person who has recently overcome the challenges I am facing, and is willing to share how they did it.

More like a tour guide, in my opinion

The way I find a sponsor is I go to a _lot_ of meetings and listen to how people share. If all they say is "I had this problem, and I solved it ...." and "I had these feelings, and I dealth with them..." then I put them on a list to call later.

If they start with the "you should...." and "we feel ...." and "the best thing for you..." then I put them on a different list of people to avoid. I got enough of that from my pill-head ex-wife.

After I get a half dozen names on my list call them up and ask them out for coffee. I ask them how this recovery thing works for _them_, and I listen. The first time they give me advice they are off the list.

I keep asking people out for coffee until I find one that I can _learn from_, without getting lectured or bossed around.

My current sponsor started out like that, just a guy I'd got out to coffee with. Over the years he's turned into my best friend. Him and his wife have practically adopted me, and I think of them like an aunt and uncle.

Commitment? None at all. I _enjoy_ his company. We get together once a week for dinner at our fav Mexican joint. When I get myself in some emotional mess he's there for me, and when he needs help with his plumbing or his car I just show up to help.

Mike

[Bernadette]

I think I was in AlAnon a few months before I got a sponsor. At the beginning I was just overwhelmed, just the act of getting to a meeting every other day kept me sane. A couple people offered to be my sponsor right away and I just said - I need some more time to understand the program...

Once I was in the rhythm of the meetings and I didn't feel freaked out or threatened by the idea I started looking for a sponsor. I paid attention to the women I heard in meetings who were like light years down the road in terms of recovery. They had that serene wisdom that I so craved. The first two women I asked told me they were already sponsoring more than one person and they declined, but third time's the charm and I happened to ask a woman who had divorced her AH a decade earlier and had many years of AlAnon but had fallen away for a while and at that time had come back because her sister had developed into a full blown A.

The relationship with my sponsor went like this--
Any time I needed to call her, I could call her. But she had a little rule that she didn't want to just hear from me when I was in crisis. She wanted to hear from me at random times during the week - when things were good, bad, or neutral. I remember hating this at first! But like I always say, my way was NOT working, so I was in "follow directions" mode.

What these little check-in phone calls did was establish trust, and get me out of my pattern of seeking help in crisis and freaking out, but remaining unchanged until the next crisis, etc. I began to see that the quiet reflective times were time to learn and grow and make my plans for how I was going to change and handle things differently.

Then we started meeting before or after AlAnon meetings and working the steps. We had a workbook. And then many of our phone conversations became much richer as I woke up to applying the steps in my actual life.

She was my sponsor for a year or so. I never had another one. And I have yet to sponsor anyone...I am remiss in my 12th step!

We were a good fit, but not at first, at first I really was so uncomfortable and many many times I just wanted to blow off calling or meeting her. But I just did not let myself, and it made all the difference.

Have you met someone you might like to be your sponsor? keep your eyes and your mind open and the right person will appear!

peace-
B

[abcdefg]

I got my first sponsor only a couple of weeks after I started Al-anon. I was quite desperate and devastated. I won't get into details on that except to say that another's alcoholism had shattered my entire life and I had come apart at the seams.

I knew I needed someone to explain things and answer questions for me, but I was terrified to "pick" someone for the sponsor role. What if I picked the wrong person??? I don't even know anyone in this program -- how can I possibly know how to pick a sponsor.

I was very worried about it. One day on a couple of weeks into program, I was at a meeting and I saw a woman who had kindly handed me a card with her number on it the week before. She hadn't said anything except, "Call me." Something about the simplicity of that felt safe. Anyway, of course I didn't call her. That night I saw her and in my shattered haze, I noticed that she was wearing a sweatshirt with a design on it that matched a tshirt I had at home. I decided that was a good enough reason to ask her to sponsor me. Actually, I asked her to be my TEMPORARY sponsor because I was too scared to do it any other way. The temporary just sort of fell away after a while.

She was an absolutely remarkable, phenomenal example of how to work the 12 steps. She moved away and helped me transition to a new sponsor. When I picked my current sponsor, I was much more conscious and deliberate (thanks to program, I had recovery so I could make some decisions for myself). I heard my current sponsor speak at a meeting and was moved by how diligently she worked the steps AND the traditions and she also was heavily involved in Al-anon service. I asked her and she said yes and she has been an angel, too.

Most everyone I talk to has a slightly different story. And some people go through a number of sponsors before they find a good fit or going through those relationships is just part of their recovery path.

I will also share that I can not imagine working my steps without a sponsor. My sponsor kept me on track with being gentle with myself. I think I could have abused myself with the step work had I not had her support and experience. My perception was so distorted and I hated myself so much, there's no telling how I would have interpreted the steps on my own.

I'm grateful that it worked out the way it did.

Good luck!

[sb0804]

I also have a question on having a sponsor. I have been told that it is desirable for your sponsor to be of the same sex. I don't know if it is typical of Al-Anon meetings but everyone I attend is 95% women.

Is it acceptable to have a sponsor who is not a guy?

[Lavash]

Hey, thanks so much everyone. This is very helpful to know.

At my second AL Anon meeting, the two women who run this meeting who've been running it for 30 yrs, both gave me their #'s. Never mentioned the word "sponsor" but said "call whenever you need to talk"

There is one of these women who is so calm, and when she reads in the meeting, I feel so relaxed. I can see her energy is great.
I guess my worry is to try to find the time to work with a sponsor and work the steps.
Though I know it's imperative that I squeeze it in.

I missed my meeting last night due to a serious migraine. I get migraine with aura where I black out and I blacked out at work the other day........fun! So needed my sleep more than my meeting. These meetings go until so late and I need to get up at 4:30am.

I'm overwhelmed really and just need to balance and fit more meetings and a sponsor in to my life.

hugs, thanks everyone :-)

[wuzzled]

Originally Posted by Lavash

I guess my worry is to try to find the time to work with a sponsor and work the steps.
Though I know it's imperative that I squeeze it in.

Hi Lavash - I started the "other" thread about this on the "other" F&F's board. It's kind of cool we both were thinking about the same thing, the same day, less than 2 hours apart, yet geographically we are thousands of miles away from each other.

Hopefully, we will both find great sponsors.

I really worry about the time part of having a sponsor and working the steps, life is so very busy, especially during the school year with all the activities my daughter participates in, it seems as though we have to be somewhere every night of the week. However, as you said, it is imperative that we squeeze this in. I have really felt lately, that until I find a sponsor and begin to work the steps, I am at a point where things aren't really moving forward for me, and I really need to move forward.

[Hammer]

Originally Posted by sb0804

I also have a question on having a sponsor. I have been told that it is desirable for your sponsor to be of the same sex. I don't know if it is typical of Al-Anon meetings but everyone I attend is 95% women.

Is it acceptable to have a sponsor who is not a guy?

Had been wondering that, too.

Guess it is supposed to be a Guy = Drunk, Woman = Al-Anon world.

Had been to AA events some years ago where everyone would always assume I was the AA so Mrs. Hammer must be the Al-Anon.

Our local Al-Anon is about 95% women, as well -- and if only ten folks are there that day . . . guess that makes me the only guy.

It is a mixed up world . . . but not for Lola.

[tigger11]

I've been to my 1st 4 meetings in 2 weeks. Someone suggested I get a "temporary" sponsor until I either decide she's good, or find another. So I did. Just picked one who was open, friendly, had a great sense of humor, seemed emotionally together, and had been in the program 20 years. Those things appeal to me. We're meeting for the first time Monday. Same sex, good idea. Otherwise complications.

[Lavash]

Originally Posted by wuzzled

Hi Lavash - I started the "other" thread about this on the "other" F&F's board. It's kind of cool we both were thinking about the same thing, the same day, less than 2 hours apart, yet geographically we are thousands of miles away from each other.

Hopefully, we will both find great sponsors.

I really worry about the time part of having a sponsor and working the steps, life is so very busy, especially during the school year with all the activities my daughter participates in, it seems as though we have to be somewhere every night of the week. However, as you said, it is imperative that we squeeze this in. I have really felt lately, that until I find a sponsor and begin to work the steps, I am at a point where things aren't really moving forward for me, and I really need to move forward.

Hi, Yeah I realized that after I posted I made a thread like yours.

It is ironic. Maybe it's a sign we really need to get a sponsor.

Time is a factor for me. I ever missed last night's meeting because the meeting goes until after 10pm and I get up at 4:30am to go to work. Then work 10 hrs, then off to school.
I don't have kids, but have lupus which keeps me tired OFTEN! I'm already pushing it with work and school.

But if I can work with a sponsor even 1 hr a week, it's better than nothing.

Thanks for posting here :-)

[abcdefg]

Hi, all.

I'll answer some questions just based on my own experience, strength and hope.

First of all: the idea behind a same-sex sponsor has to do with not getting involved sexually with the person. The sponsor/sponsee relationship becomes very deep and very sacred. I can easily imagine "falling" for my sponsor had she been a man -- and I was extremely dependent on her. So it could have interfered with my recovery. Same sex sponsor just avoids any potential conflict. (Obviously, if you are not heterosexual and wanted to follow this, you would get an opposite sex sponsor.) I'll also say that I live in LA, which is known for it's vast size and number of meetings, so I have the luxury of this choice. In smaller areas, there may not be the option because there aren't so many folks to choose from.

Lavash, you mentioned the woman who is so calm in your meeting...that's a really good start for picking a sponsor. And no one will offer to be your sponsor, you will have to ask them. It's all part of reaching out for your own recovery AND for the potential sponsor, it keeps us from trying to help people rather than be of service when asked. I should add again that there may be other customs in other parts of the country -- but one person offered to sponsor me once (I already had a sponsor) and I took it as a huge red flag that they had a pretty weak program themselves. Turns out I was correct.

As for not having the time...we work Al-anon at our own way and pace. There is no right or wrong way to do it. A sponsor is someone who supports you working YOUR program. They give guidance and suggestion but they aren't making the rules. A good sponsor will support what you CAN do, encourage you perhaps to do more or less, but not try to control or condemn you because THEY think you aren't doing it "right."

Hope that's helpful,
abc

[Lavash]

Yes ABC, that was very helpful. I do fear that once I get a sponsor, I'll feel hooked in and guilty if i cannot follow a program.

I'm going to speak to this woman this week, not to ask her to be a sponsor, but just to talk to her outside of the meeting, just to get a feel for her.
I'll be going to couples therapy with my BF this week, so I'm guessing it's going to be a week where I really feel I need to contact to someone on Al Anon.

Thanks, your words were very helpful :-)