More Manipulation! UGGH!

[Startingover2]

Evidently when exah didn't have his license he didn't pay the registration on his truck. Well, now that he has his license back he had to pay the fees plus late fees.

Last night he sent some texts:

Exah: Do you have plans this weekend?
Me: Not sure why?
Exah: Thought we can take baby to the mountains for the day now that I have my truck back.
Me: Oh, we will see...(I won't do that)
Exah: I needed the money to pay my fees so I don't have your first support payment this month (payments are due on the 1st and 15th. He is already late on the 1st). I will have the 15th though.
Me: When can you pay the first payment?
Exah: I don't know if I can. Was thinking I can work it off around your house.
Me: I don't need that done. I really need the money.
Exah: Sorry.. I needed to get the registration paid so I can drive my truck. Just let me work it off. Your sideyard looks like heck.
Me: That is stuff going to the dump when my son gets his truck next week.
Exah: I can take it to the dump and that will pay for my payment.
Me: No, I don't need work done. Just let me know when I can get my payment please.


Seriously! I need the money. Going to the dump? Would take him maybe 1 hour! Thats one expensive dump run!

There is nothing I can do but keep bugging him about it. I can have my attorney write him a letter at $200/hr., CSS wont do anything until he is chronically hasn't paid, or let it go.

Today I guess I will tell him he can spread the payment out and add it to the next 3 payments! He won't do it. That is alot of money I count on. He still blames me for his DUI...and then all of the consequences that go with it.
Does anyone have any suggestions to how I can handle this?

[tjp613]

I'm sorry but the only suggestion I have for you is to come up with a budget that doesn't include support payments -- they obviously are not going to be reliable. I definitely would NOT let him off the hook and allow him to "spread the payments" out over 3 months. He'll do that or not....as he pleases anyway!

Beyond that, keep good records and stay strong with your boundaries.

Not what you wanted to hear, I'm sure.

[transformyself]

Yep, re-budget and let go. Leeeeeet goooooo.....

Can't you report him to CSS anyway? Every time he's late or doesn't pay, send the proof to them. Every Time.

But still, you can't get blood from a stone, or follow through from an A.

I came to this conclusion after a few weeks of nightmarish arguments and manipulations and broken promises and more of the same. Why was I surprised? He will not change. He will continue to blame me for breaking his commitments. Really.

I've been looking for more work because I've got the same problem and the only answer I can come up with is DO NOT EXPECT ANYTHING FROM AH. I need financial independence. Period. I need other childcare. I need to be completley and utterly independent of him. Then, and only then, will this frustration be decreased.

I know this is frustrating, but I've re-budgeted my life. Next up, more work for me. It's coming too, but I have to stay positive and keep moving.

It's exciting actually, looking for work and turning away from blaming him. yes, he's to blame, but I can really get stuck there. Furious.

You said you have a baby, so work may be more difficult for you, but try to be positive, try to just say, "i know the right solution will come my way," and it will.

[Chrysalis123]

In my state child support can be sent to a state agency. This agency keeps track of the payments and then sends them on to me. Direct deposit can be arranged. My lawyer highly recommended using this service and I am glad he did.

I have learned to accept zero money from him...he must pay through the agency according to the divorce order. Then that agency deals with him and not me.

He also is late paying and I have to let the negative feelings go, but I will hold him accountable to the court order when the time comes. I am building a savings account and trying to become independent of the CS payment.

It used to make me furious and I would panic. Now, I can see I was all upset because I was expecting responsible behavior from a person that is generally irresponsible, not in recovery, and nothing changes if nothing changes.

The Serenity Prayer helped too.

[hadenoughnow]

Does he work? Have the state take the CS out of his pay. IMO you need to go low contact with him and possibly arrange for him to have visitation with a trusted 3rd party or have visitation in a neutral place (not your home!). He is using all this contact to manipulate you.