How not to be so codependent? - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

luli2979 · 11-05-2009, 07:32 AM

Can anybody suggest how to be not so codependent?

**GiveLove** · 11-05-2009, 07:42 AM

Luli, have you read the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie? That was a wonderful first step for many of us on our journey away from codependence. It helps to show just what is happening, why it's happening, and things you can do to begin to unwrap yourself from its grip. It is available very inexpensively online and from many libraries as well.

luli2979 · 11-05-2009, 07:51 AM

Yes, I have thanks!
Didn't finish it yet.

Just wondering to see different views of how to step out day by day.

veryregretful · 11-05-2009, 07:53 AM

I just bought that book. I didn't care how much it was. It was spoken so much here that I thought I would buy it. I'm glad I did. It fits me so much!! Even though AH is gone now three weeks I realize how I reacted or not reacted and why I did things that I did/do. My obsessions, etc.

I also think this book will also teach me how to act towards my children also. I don't want to be a codie to them. I'm their mom and need to be their mom and show a good example.

I would highly recommend this book and I haven't finished reading it yet! In the last three weeks I haven't picked up anything to read because of how I was feeling. This is the first book I picked up and I'm actually enjoying reading it.

Take care Luli and pick up the book! My thoughts are with you!

bookwyrm · 11-05-2009, 03:21 PM

For me, the key has been to try to act rather than react. I needed to learn to take a step back and think about my motives before doing or saying anything. Self awareness is crucial. Journalling, reading self help books, coming here and working one to one with my counsellor have all helped me keep on track. I'm hoping that with a lot of practice, it will all become automatic for me!

Does this help answer your question?

Bernadette · 11-05-2009, 03:48 PM

I had to practice the actual changing of focus from others problems to mine.

I had to start thinking seriously about who I am? Who do I want to be? What do I want out of life?

Once I got the focus back on me I saw I had a lot of work to do, and that my codependent behavior was what I used as a defense to not face reality or the things about myself that are in need of some attention.

AlAnon helped me with this. And therapy.

peace-
B

kellthebelle · 11-05-2009, 04:54 PM

I found reading Women Who Love Too Much was a real eye opener for me. I also try to think about the "big picture", what is really important, what at the end of my life will I be proud of, who was I before I met my AH. Counting to 10 also helps

!!

Bolina · 11-05-2009, 05:13 PM

Read the sticky posts

Read the books mentioned

Act on the advice therein.

I can't halp but notice that you have been registrered here a while. What has helped among the advice that has been given/that you have read previously?

**DesertEyes** · 11-05-2009, 08:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bolina

Read the sticky posts

Read the books mentioned

Act on the advice therein.

I can't halp but notice that you have been registrered here a while. What has helped among the advice that has been given/that you have read previously?

Good evening, Bolina, and pleased to "meet" you. Amongst the stickies that are highly recommended is this one.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html (Before you post, please read this)

thanx

Mike

Moderator, SoberRecovery

PHIZ007 · 11-05-2009, 08:50 PM

I changed alot of my thoughts of how "he" was doing things to how "I" was doing things .......also trying not to react without atleast a deep breath and a moment of thought (now that takes some practice!!)

I try focusing on myself instead of him and it is quite amazing how since I have changed my behaviour towards him that his behaviour has also changed (not always in a good way as he has actually noticed I am detaching)....I however am very comfortable where I am at and I am going to continue working on myself. I read alot here aswell as this place rocks! Phiz

11-05-2009, 07:32 AM	#1 (permalink)
luli2979 Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Hong Kong Posts: 46	How not to be so codependent? Can anybody suggest how to be not so codependent?

11-05-2009, 07:42 AM	#2 (permalink)
GiveLove Forum Leader Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Stumbling toward happiness Posts: 4,356 Blog Entries: 1	Luli, have you read the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie? That was a wonderful first step for many of us on our journey away from codependence. It helps to show just what is happening, why it's happening, and things you can do to begin to unwrap yourself from its grip. It is available very inexpensively online and from many libraries as well. __________________ "Tell me, what are you going to do with your one wild and precious life?" --Mary Oliver "Action is the antidote to despair." --Joan Baez "False hopes bind us to unlivable situations, and blind us to real possibilities." --Derrick Jensen

11-05-2009, 03:21 PM	#5 (permalink)
bookwyrm Curled up in a good book... Bejeweled Champion! Penguin Pool Champion! Zoo Keeper Champion! Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: UK Posts: 632	For me, the key has been to try to act rather than react. I needed to learn to take a step back and think about my motives before doing or saying anything. Self awareness is crucial. Journalling, reading self help books, coming here and working one to one with my counsellor have all helped me keep on track. I'm hoping that with a lot of practice, it will all become automatic for me! Does this help answer your question? __________________ You are absolutely gloriously perfectly imperfect whether a single other human holds you in their thoughts right now or not. You are completely deserving of the space you take up on the planet simply by virtue of breathing. No one else has the power to define you. GiveLove Last edited by bookwyrm; 11-05-2009 at 03:22 PM. Reason: banana fingers....

11-05-2009, 04:54 PM	#7 (permalink)
kellthebelle Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 9	I found reading Women Who Love Too Much was a real eye opener for me. I also try to think about the "big picture", what is really important, what at the end of my life will I be proud of, who was I before I met my AH. Counting to 10 also helps!!

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11-05-2009, 07:51 AM	#3 (permalink)
luli2979 Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Hong Kong Posts: 46	Yes, I have thanks! Didn't finish it yet. Just wondering to see different views of how to step out day by day.

11-05-2009, 07:53 AM	#4 (permalink)
veryregretful Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: ashamed ville Posts: 135	I just bought that book. I didn't care how much it was. It was spoken so much here that I thought I would buy it. I'm glad I did. It fits me so much!! Even though AH is gone now three weeks I realize how I reacted or not reacted and why I did things that I did/do. My obsessions, etc. I also think this book will also teach me how to act towards my children also. I don't want to be a codie to them. I'm their mom and need to be their mom and show a good example. I would highly recommend this book and I haven't finished reading it yet! In the last three weeks I haven't picked up anything to read because of how I was feeling. This is the first book I picked up and I'm actually enjoying reading it. Take care Luli and pick up the book! My thoughts are with you!

11-05-2009, 03:48 PM	#6 (permalink)
Bernadette Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Boston Posts: 1,668	I had to practice the actual changing of focus from others problems to mine. I had to start thinking seriously about who I am? Who do I want to be? What do I want out of life? Once I got the focus back on me I saw I had a lot of work to do, and that my codependent behavior was what I used as a defense to not face reality or the things about myself that are in need of some attention. AlAnon helped me with this. And therapy. peace- B

11-05-2009, 05:13 PM	#8 (permalink)
Bolina Member Join Date: Nov 2009 Posts: 12	Read the sticky posts Read the books mentioned Act on the advice therein. I can't halp but notice that you have been registrered here a while. What has helped among the advice that has been given/that you have read previously?

11-05-2009, 08:50 PM	#10 (permalink)
PHIZ007 Member Join Date: May 2005 Location: australia Posts: 86	I changed alot of my thoughts of how "he" was doing things to how "I" was doing things .......also trying not to react without atleast a deep breath and a moment of thought (now that takes some practice!!) I try focusing on myself instead of him and it is quite amazing how since I have changed my behaviour towards him that his behaviour has also changed (not always in a good way as he has actually noticed I am detaching)....I however am very comfortable where I am at and I am going to continue working on myself. I read alot here aswell as this place rocks! Phiz

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