AH.blew.my.son.off.two.nights.in.a.row

[veryregretful]

My estranged AH of almost 3 weeks was supposed to take my son whose 14 out to dinner last night but texted him and said he didn't feel good so he would take him out today. Well, I make plans with my daughter (whose supposed to be going out with AH tomorrow - Wed) to go to the movies because I thought my son would be with his dad.

Before I left my son said he wasn't sure he wanted to go. I called my AH and said instead of going out to dinner why not just get subs and bring it here and me and my daughter won't be home so they could talk. My AH told me he had a couple more hours of work. This was at 4:30. At 8:00pm when I got home my AH didn't even call my son and say he wasn't coming. We left it on the phone that he would call my son when he got out of work.

My son is very angry at his dad for his drinking, his verbal abuse to himself, me and my daughter. When I got back I told my son I was sorry his Dad didn't call him or anything and that it's not his fault. We talked a few minutes. That's when he said he was angry at him. I can tell he is very angry. I'm heartbroken over this. I'm ready to call my AH but I know better. He'll just end up saying he is sick over his son being angry at him and he can't handle it. Well duh, wouldn't you be angry to if someone verbally abused you then blows you off.

I told my son we were going to alateen and he said he didn't want to. I told him that he was going to support me and i was going to alanon to support him. The only alateen meetings in my area are on Monday and Tuesday. A few years ago we went to Monday nights and I didn't care for the Alanon meeting there so I figured we would try the Tuesday night one. Well since today is Tuesday and I thought my son had plans before I knew about the Tuesdays we have to wait another week to go. I think it's even more important now to take my kids to alateen.

As I plugged in my son's cell phone to charge it I looked at his text messages which I know I shouldn't have but my AH asked him if my son was mad at him and my son responded yes. The AH then responded that's why he would like to go to dinner and talk. My son said he didn't know if wanted to go to dinner. So then I called my AH like I said earlier in this post that my son would agree on getting subs and talking here while I'm not here.

What was cool to me was that my daughter texted my son and vice versa. He asked her how did she feel and she said sad. He asked if she was mad and she said no. She texted him if he stopped drinking would he want him home but my son didn't get that message yet. I think it's cool that they are talking to each other. They are 14 year old twins and it made me kind of happy that they are talking about it.

I'm so heartbroken for the two of them that I don't know what to do. I try not to talk to much about it. They tell me I'm annoying them so I know I'm talking too much.

I did buy the book Codependent No More today and am going to start to read it. Is this an appropriate book for my kids to read? I mentioned this to my son about maybe reading the book and maybe he might understand how I have been acting and I haven't read the book yet so really don't know if he read it would it help him too?

I'm really angry at my AH right now. Usually I'm not angry but he's hurting our kids and it's not fair to them.

He is supposed to be taking my daughter out to dinner tomorrow so we'll see if he follows through with that. I doubt it because when I told him my daughter was looking forward to dinner he said something about he might be working late.

I don't care how he feels about the kids being mad at him. He should be really trying to make good with these kids. The kids are great kids and he's going to ruin them even more than they are now if he keeps acting selfish.

Any comments will be greatly appreciated!!!!!!! It's heartbreaking to think that one is so sad and the other is really mad. The looks on their faces says it all!

Hugs to all and am really looking forward to comments.

Thanks

[LaTeeDa]

First of all, he will not ruin them. He can ruin his relationship with them, but they have you as a sane parent, and that's much better than two insane parents.

I think at that age, Codependent No More is entirely appropriate. But, only if they want to read it. I like the way you approached it--helping them understand your behaviors. They might just end up understanding a little more about themselves, but that's out of your control.

The very most important thing you can do for them is set a good example. So, AH SAYS he will do this and that, but he actually DOES something different. Perfect opportunity to show them how to believe someone's actions, not their words. It takes time, but if you model healthy behavior, they will start to practice healthy behaviors, too.

I already said today in another thread that I often catch myself projecting my emotions onto my children. It's important to allow them their own feelings without inserting yours. Yes, your son is angry, but reinforcing that anger with your own is not helpful. As mom, your place is to listen, understand, and support.

One thing I found, to my surprise, was after my AH and I separated, I had to be very careful about turning my codependent behaviors toward my children. In fact, I think it's much harder to avoid behaving codpendently toward them than it was with him.

It is heartbreaking when a parent puts their own selfish needs above their children. It broke my heart, too. But, it is out of your control. As tough as it is, you have to show them how to let go. Big hugs to you. I know how hard it is.

L

[MissFixit]

I am sorry that your kids are dealing with that. I am always nervous about posting on child issues threads, but I have experienced that behavior from a parent.

I grew up with a single Dad who constantly broke promises to me and my sister. It hurt and really damaged my self esteem (something I am working on now). I never felt worthy of respect and someone to keep promises as a result of that childhhood.

It would have been great to have one parent who kept their word and was dependable. I think your kids are pretty lucky to have you!

[veryregretful]

LTD - I have to learn not to project my emotions onto my children. I did that already when me and AH spoke and he said he was not going to stop drinking because I was trying to control him. I came home and help my daughter and cried. She thought I was annoying which is fine because it put me into perspective that these are 14 year old kids and I knew right away I shouldn't have done that. I should have just went into my room and cried into the pillow.

I'm going to leave the book on the coffee table, bathroom, kitchen counter. Make it available for them to read if they would like to. The can glance at it. I definately do not want to put my codependant behaviors toward them. They need a functional mom who can set a good example. I promised my daughter i'd take her to a movie and I did just that last night even though I was exhausted. I was actually falling asleep watching the movie. I get up and 3:30am and don't go to bed till 9:00 so it's a long day. I don't want to make promises to them and can't keep them.

This weekend I have an opputunity to hang out with the girls from work. I mentioned I only own one pair of jeans so we'll probably go find jeans on sale and get me another pair. I'm already feeling guilty about going out with the girls but I need to do this for myself. I know the guilty I"m feeling is the codie in me. My daughter had said to me when my AH asked if last saturday i would hang out with them while he had a couple drinks that I should because it was something to do. I wouldn't hang out with him while he was drinking anyways because that's the reason he is not in the house. But I think even she notices that I don't do anything for myself andthat I need to do just that. I'm going to make sure the kids are all set. If they are hanging out with friends, making sure they are safe or just staying in. That's fine. At this second I can feel the guilt rising and want to cancel on Friday. It would only be probably like 4:00pm to about 9:00pm. Probably mall walk and go to dinner. I need this but the guilt is going to kill me that I'm not doing anything with the kids or not being home while they are there.

tonight my AH is supposed to be taking my daughter to dinner. we'll see if he follows through. I'll prepare my daughter in case he bails so she won't be as disappointed.

Do you think maybe I suggest he take both kids out together. I feel if he shows up for my daughter I think my son might have some sort of feelings like he can show up for my daughter but not me. I also think with the two kids together might be easier because they don't have to go alone and they have each other.

Is it being selfish of me to want to go out with the girls from work on Friday night for a few hours? I don't want to be selfish but I think to go out with adults and have a little laughs may be good for my soul and well being.

Thanks for the response and looking forward to the replies.

[LaTeeDa]

You should absolutely take some time for yourself. If you are healthier and happier, it will rub off on your children. I am familiar with the guilt. It was like I wanted to make up for all the time they didn't have either parent present in a healthy way. Can't be done. I eventually signed up for a college class one night a week. My kids were fine with it and even encouraged me to go when I didn't feel like it.

The other thing you may want to consider is getting out of his relationship with the kids all together. Suggesting he do this or that with them only sets them (and you) up for disappointment. Let him figure out how to connect with his kids, or not. It's his relationship with them, you cannot manage it for him. You cannot prevent them from being disappointed in him. You can only be there and validate their feelings.

When I spoke of projecting your emotions onto them, I was speaking about your anger and disappointment when he lets them down. You are going to have feelings about what he does with regard to them, but your feelings about it are yours. They have their own feelings about it, which may or may not be the same as yours. What you can do is help them to express and work through their feelings without assuming you know how they feel just because you feel a particular way about it. I don't know if that makes sense. It's hard to express.

L

[veryregretful]

LTD - you are right about if I'm healthier and happier it would rub off on my kids. I think if they see me miserable then they will become miserable because that's all they see right now.

Your absolutely right about them being able to contact thier dad when then want and vice versa with me putting my feelings into it. I think I'm being a codie here in trying to control how they see each other. I was actually trying to push my son into talking with his dad and I could see he was getting upset so I stopped. When he is ready to talk with his dad he will.

I do understand about how I felt yesterday, disappointed and angry, shouldn't have been put on my son as he has his own feelings of anger and disappointment to deal with. And I should be there to help them.

Now, even if kids don't want to go to Alateen should I bring them anyway? I think they need some type of therapy, whether it be a therapist or alateen. At the moment it's hard to come up with the copayments for therapy so alateen may be the way to go first. It's a start. I don't want to force them but I think it would be helpful for them. This is where I don't know what to do?

[LaTeeDa]

I don't think forcing them would be helpful. That sets up resentment, and if they are resenting going, they probably won't get much benefit from it anyway.

As a parent, though, you can encourage it. With my children, I approached it more from a one-time or temporary standpoint, rather than a regular commitment. (My kids went to therapy because there was no Alateen here at the time.) I told them that I would be going because I had a lot of feelings to work through and I needed help to do it. I asked them to go, not because my opinion was that they needed it, but because it would mean a lot to me if they were on board with helping me work through my feelings. I told them they could give it a try, and if they didn't want to go back, they didn't have to. They continued for almost a year. I'm sure our therapist was helpful in convincing them to keep going, though.

If they are very resistant now, then I would just let it be. Maybe share some of your experiences or literature from Alanon as time goes on, then bring it up again. They may change their minds in the future.

L

[LaTeeDa]

Where is Bernadette? She always has the most wonderful ideas and examples about parenting.

YooooooooHoooooooo, Bernadette....................