No More 4 Me Thank You

[Enough4me]

I have had enough !!!

It has been a rough year for me, the realization that I have been what is called a Adult child of an Alcoholic has answered all my questions of the why's... Why is this happening..? Why again..? Why do I find myself so unyielding..? Why do I keep attracting the wrong type of person into my life...

This realization has thrown me into what we like to call MLC, mid life crisis which also resulted into a deep depression that has last most of all of this yr.

It all started when I fell for someone that was a supposedly a recovering alcoholic. In researching on what to do, I discover this site and what my problem has been all these yrs and realized that I have been influenced by these people most all my life. (its a wonder I'm not a alcoholic myself)

I have made a commitment in not to connect with people that had a need to self medicate and it has been working, I'm now meeting regular folks now and staying clear of the drunks.

I've learned that I don't have to accept it and I won't. It started this summer when I went to visit family and realized my father started drinking again after 2 yrs of sobriety. I was disappoint in him and decided that at 78 yrs of age, he was a grown man with the power of choice and I had the same power... I left and never said good bye and have not spoken to him since. Eventually I will approach him and tell him why and how he feels is his problem.

I only had one small minor detail in my life and that was my best friend of 15 yrs. I loved this man like a brother, he called me his brother as well. You could say he was my Oscar, remember the Odd Couple show?, We were 2 peas in a pod, from opposite ends, but from the same pod never the less. I cannot tell you how many times we would just sit on the porch and watch the wild life, break bread together... he was my friend...

My friend though was a alcoholic. Unlike others, he never drank and drove and didn't drink much when around me, but drank heavily at home.

He lost his job in May with no hopes of even finding another job, he was destined to lose his home, he finished himself off.

He was found Sept 28th incapacitated, severely dehydrated, malnutritious, failed liver and failed kidneys. Some how he survived another 30 days. I buried my best friend and a part of me this past weekend.

I cannot handle it no more... I have had enough and he was the last straw... I cannot allow this to happen any more, my heart cannot take it.

I cannot take the guilt of was there anything else I could have done...
The guilt of being an enabler
The guilt of letting my friend die
I'm done crying, no I'm not, I'm still grieving my loss.

If he could have only been one of those obnoxious, mean spirited jerks... I would have never befriended him, but he wasn't.

My friend was the most honest, loyal men I have ever met in my life. He had a gentle soul and all he ever wanted was to be excepted and loved. He drank because life never hesitated to kick him square in the teeth. He drank because he was lonely and he was hurting. I cannot recall one time where he criticized or belittled me in any way all the years I've known him. I cannot even attempt to say that about my own parents. Some how I excused his drinking because it was like I accepted it because he was such a loyal friend.

Never have I ever see him stumble around in public or be obnoxious to people... in fact quite the opposite. Like I said, he drank when no one was around.

I was the only one left that hadn't turn their backs on him... I was his true loyal friend and he was mine. I have tried and tried, I knew this day would come, but hoped that he would hit bottom and ask for help, but his bottom was death.

He told me many times in past years that he would never leave his home under his own power, losing his home was not an option. I guess part of me refused to acknowledge that he would go so far.

If anything my being there for him, giving him hope and inspiration has extended his lifespan. I remember a time when he was proud full of dreams and hopes, but life just kept kicking him the teeth... the recession was the last straw and his death is my last straw. Now I am left with nothing but guilt and sadness.

I wish I had the power to erase the last 18 months of my life and do over, because it has been nothing but a big void of nothingness followed by a good old fashion kick in the nuts.

I will miss my best friend, because he earned my love, but I will always hate the disease that took him away.

He died at the age of 44, never married, no children.
He might have died, be didn't die alone... he diead loved, clean and sober Oct 30th, 2009

[CatsPajamas]

I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. Alcoholism is an evil disease, robbing us of people we love.

The pain of losing someone to this disease will never go away, but I know that it lessens over time. There will be others along soon who will be able to share with you how they handled this kind of tragic loss. Please know that you're not alone.

Cats

[greeteachday]

I'm so sorry for your loss...I know the pain of losing a loved one to addiction. (My daughter) I went through some of those feeling of what else could I have done, but as I have worked my own recovery through Naranon, I've found acceptance in the understanding that I did the best I could and I am not powerful enough to "cure" the disease. It takes time, but I have found comfort in the memories of the beautiful young woman I was blessed to have in my life for just 20 short years.
My thoughts are with you. Your friend was very fortunate to have such a caring and loving friend. Hang close to all the support you can...know that others care and be very, very gentle with yourself as you journey through this grieving process. We all grieve in our own way, but by walking through the pain, we can get to a place of peace.

[GiveLove]

Enough4me, I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your friend. He sounded like a very good man who tried but simply could not overcome his alcoholism. It doesn't seem to matter how long I am immersed in the world of addiction and recovery: it always makes me cry to learn of the losses suffered.

Bless you for reaching out. There are a lot of other adult children of alcoholics both here on this board, and on the board two below it (Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents). Please lean on us as part of your recovery...we really do understand what you are going through.

Hugs,
GL

[Alera]

Much of your post resounded with me. This morning I lost my cousin to what they think is an alcohol related death. He had just enough smarts to avoid his bottom. Never got a DUI because he was smart enough not to take his car when he went drinking. Knew when and where to drink, and that he couldn't drink at work etc. Yet he couldn't settle down because no one wanted to carry his drinking baggage into a marriage.

The fact he wouldn't drive may be what killed him. He fell down walking home on Halloween and smashed his skull. He never woke up.

I had lost touch with him years ago, only to find him again on a social networking site a year ago when I was in the midst of a natural disaster. He still had the same classic biting humor I remember from my childhood. We instantly clicked and I was hoping to get a chance to see him next summer on his annual vacation. Now I'm in the midst of making plans to go to his funeral. He wasn't even 50.

Just reading about your friend is bringing the tears back, which is healthy for me. The description of your friend could have been my cousin.

Please know you are not alone in feeling this way. You aren't. There are many of us that have had similar experiences.

[PHIZ007]

My heart goes out to you at this terible sad and difficult time and to Alera too. Alcoholism is a most terrible disease for all it effects (The person themselves, family, friends)......I am wishing for you both peace and comfort at this terrible time. Be so sad they have gone....but so glad they came.

I lost my best friend to suicide in May 2007......it took me two years to really grieve properly for her.....I can now look back and smile to myself about the good times (and there were many!)...but it took me a long time. I can still hear her laugh.....take one day at a time and take care of you. I am thinking of you Phiz

[CarolD]

Yes....I too have lost valued friends to alcoholism.
Some times a song or a situation brings them back
to me via a pleasant memory

I find the 23rd Psalm comforting
I'm sad to know of your friends tragic death.
Prayers for your peace coming your way

[Jadmack25]

Having lost a few friends to alcohol and my XAH only a few weeks ago joined them, I too feel so much for you in your loss. That he was such a lovely man and such a close and loving friend makes it even harder to cope with for you.

May he now be in a place of acceptance, love and peace, and may you know that you were a wonderful and accepting part of his life for so long.

A real friend comes in, when others go out.

Be consoled in knowing you were that friend.

God bless

[Enough4me]

Thank You all for your condolences and support.

I was far from the perfect friend, but I understood him for the most part and tried to help him understand that his past didn't have to control his future, but then again I wasn't the one that had to live hs loneliness and his disappointments.

I did find out resently that he never married or had children because he knew his suffering was part of a cycle that was passed down to him and he did not want it to continue. I can related to this as the abuse in my family ended with me as well. Sometimes we do the only thing we can to end the cycle.

As awful as this may sound, I know plenty of people that should have taken his place at deaths door. I only say this because he didn't have a mean bone in his body. I don't recall him ever being hateful to anyone. His only downfall was his stubbornness.

I think this was more about me than him, although he became my best friend in the past several yrs he was the final straw... that last person in my life that I had any kind of emotional ties to that had some type of addiction issue.

Its time for me to begin to fix myself and find my path with a healthy balance in my life.

[Dreamer42long]

I am so sorry for all of the posters here who have lost loved ones to this horrible disease.

One of the most difficult things for me about detaching from an alcoholic is knowing that there is that possibility that they may die from the disease and all I'm left with are the "what if's?" Could I have done something? Did I do enough? If I had been there, would this have happened? Intellectually, I know that what happens is not my responsibility. Just as the saying goes: I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. The same goes with what happens after we leave.

But as Katherine Hepburn said in African Queen: "Nevertheless"

[Pelican]

I am sorry for your loss Enough4me.

I hope you find peace in your journey.

((hugs))