Well, now what?

[intheknow]

RAH and I went to lunch today. There were a couple little things said during lunch - nothing major - that made me wonder about the changes he is professing to have made in the way he thinks and feels about things. I blew it off, reminding myself that I can only control and help myself.

Then I went to counseling. I realized in counseling that he was started the same crap last nite that he used to do. And then did it again at lunch today. And the excuses have started again - he couldn't go to AA meeting last nite because he needed to watch our son so I could go to meeting. He didn't go to meeting this afternoon because he has some required chemical dependency class he has to complete for work. He didn't go tonite because we were having dinner. He can't go later because he has to work.

To make a long story short, he has only been out of rehab for two weeks. He has only been to counseling one time in two weeks. He hasn't been to AA meeting since last Thursday, and in the last week (Tuesday to Tuesday) has only been to one AA meeting.

I am sad. I am disappointed. My counselor asked again today what I want and what I need - and I still don't know! When I mentioned the AA meetings, she said that addicts/alcoholics need to go to 90 meetings in 90 days to ensure success.

He mentioned tonite when I was talking to him about this that he thought he was doing pretty well. Is this denial? Is this the disease?

Is THIS my sign?

[LaTeeDa]

Originally Posted by intheknow

I am sad. I am disappointed. My counselor asked again today what I want and what I need - and I still don't know!

If you take your focus off what he is doing, not doing, saying or not saying and put it intensely on this question, the answers will come. Let him be whoever he wants to be and do whatever he wants to do. Only then will you be able to figure out who you want to be and what you want to do.

L

[NewMe11109]

Originally Posted by intheknow

When I mentioned the AA meetings, she said that addicts/alcoholics need to go to 90 meetings in 90 days to ensure success.

He mentioned tonite when I was talking to him about this that he thought he was doing pretty well. Is this denial? Is this the disease?

Hi - I am sorry.

The 90 meetings in 90 days is a recommendation to help alcoholics get a good start on their recovery. But, alcoholics have to want to stop drinking, and be truly honest with themselves that they are indeed alcoholics.

In Big Book speak this would be "acknowledging powerlessness over alcohol" and believeing that "my life is unmanageable".

If an alcoholic does not really believe these things, then the "90 in 90" won't ensure anything. What the 90 meetings can do -- if the person can stay sober -- is to help them hear the stories of others so they can make their own decision to stop drinking and work on their recovery. They can begin to make the mental shift that will be critical to achieving long-term recovery.

Is he in denial? Who knows.

All I can say is that from my experience, if the only thing he is doing is not drinking, then he is not really working on recovery -- and he will likely relapse.

It is critical to work on fixing the underlying problems for which alcohol was the solution. If he is not doing this, then he will ultimately fall back into the old traps.

Take care.