Where to find the answers...

[LaTeeDa]

Like many others, I came to this forum seeking answers. Answers to questions like "What should I do in this situation?" Or "How should I respond to that circumstance?" My natural M.O. was crisis management. I had lived with an alcoholic for so long, I had gotten very adept at micro-managing every aspect of life. So much so, that I lost sight of the big picture.

Today I was reminded that it's not about finding the answers. It's really about learning the right questions. SR, Alanon, therapy, etc. will only frustrate you if all you want are answers.

I know I wanted someone to tell me what to do. Tell me which action to take that would yeild the desired outcome. I didn't want to ask myself the hard questions. I had grown accustomed to my little box and I wasn't interested in venturing outside it, thank you very much. Just tell me what I need to do to make things work the way I want them to and I will be on my way, lol.

The answers are always found inside us. We just need to learn to ask the right questions. I am grateful for the insights I get from this forum every day.

L

[Despr8]

What kinds of questions do you mean, LTD?

[LaTeeDa]

The kinds of questions that lead in the direction of self-discovery and spiritual growth. Questions like "Why do I need to be needed?" or "How come pointing out the alcoholic's problems makes me feel better about myself?" or "What am I afraid of?"

These questions and many, many others were the ones I needed to ask myself. Others may have different questions they need to ask themselves. When the subjects of my questions changed from "him" or "them" to "me," I started to recover.

When I first got here, many people told me to work on me. Take the focus off the alcoholic and put it on myself. I could not fathom what they meant. Now I understand.

L

[Pelican]

"What am I afraid of?" That one is often my starting point.

Then "What are my motives?"

And when I start to react instead of taking time to consider all my options, I ask myself "Do I have to solve this by 3:00 p.m. today?"

Thank you for the thread LTD. I appreciate your insight!

[gerryP]

Like you Pelican, I often ask myself "what are you afraid of" Actually, a better question to myself is "What are you REALLY afraid of. Usually there is more to it.

When I find myself faced with something that I haven't quite experienced before, it's overwhelming and sometimes have no clue what to think or do, so I like to think the worst right off the bat as far as outcomes. But, if I break it down and really look at what I'm facing...

The unknown is always frightening especially when it goes polar opposite to what I wished for. Change is frightening, the unknown is frightening, but sometimes change is exactly what is needed to get me back on track, frightening or not.

[LaTeeDa]

Originally Posted by gerryP

The unknown is always frightening especially when it goes polar opposite to what I wished for.

Yes. Very much so. I often think that MY way is the only way. I have been proven wrong often. I had my life and future all figured out. Then reality happened.

L

[Cowgirl1265]

My question seems to be "why am I so upset?"

I find its not only in relation to my adult relationships (spouse, work, friends) but in my parenting relationships as well.

[LaTeeDa]

Why do I presume to know what's best for someone else?
Why do I feel responsible for another adult?
Why do I care what other people think?
Why do I believe that suffering NOW will pay off LATER?
Why do I feel I always have to be in control?

I could fill a book with all the questions I have asked, and still ask myself.

L

[LaTeeDa]

Oh and this:

Why did I need to "win?" (power struggle)

L

[intheknow]

I wish I could hug you all right now. The self realization in this place is amazing, and the love and acceptance is overwhelming.

I would have told you before that I hated drama in my life, hated the chaos, hated the sympathy that came with all of it.

I have realized in the last several weeks that I actually enjoyed some of the attention that the drama brought about. I would have never realized that if it weren't for you all telling me to read CoDependant No More, to go to Al Anon Meetings, and if you hadn't asked me tough questions like:

What are your boundaries?

Where do you draw the line?

What makes you happy?

What does your future hold?

When you asked me these questions, I had to ask myself...

What makes me happy?

Who am I?

What do I want from life?

Why am I so afraid?

What am I afraid of?

[Daisy30]

So true LTD
When I first came here I was clueless as to what everybody was talking about. I wanted everyone to tell me how to "fix it".

What I learned was to fix myself.

I ask this one a lot,
"What are you not willing to accept about xyz situation?"


ETA:

"What do I like?" ....that was a hard one

[Pelican]

"Would I rather be right, or would I rather be happy?"

[NYC_Chick]

My personal favorite question I asked here was weather xabf drank because he was depressed or was he depressed because he drank. Someone simply wrote back..."it doesn't matter." That was a huge turning point for me because it forced me to take the focus on me and not him.

My life has changed for the better being here and in therapy. I'm greaful each day! Thanks for the thread : )

[canuckch]

Thank you. This thread is wonderful!

[Freedom1990]

Originally Posted by Pelican

"What am I afraid of?" That one is often my starting point.

That one was the root of so much of my insanity!

[Thumper]

Thanks for the thread. I have no idea what my questions should be. Some already posted certainly fit though!

I desperately want to figure it out. I need to. I come here every morning and read because I feel so crazy, confused, and hopeless. I look at all you wonderfully strong people and think to myself there is a way to get there, there is, I just need to find it.

I so want to change my actual physical situation that it overwhelms me and I lose track of how much I can control on the inside, in my head. I get confused and don't trust myself and think that he is right and that I am the awful one. Even if that is true - there is a way from here to there (a better place and a better me) if I just work on it.

[transformyself]

I made a decisionin 2004 to do two things that dramatically set of course of change in my life.

Not make conscious decisions that are based on fear, and
doing what I believe to be the right thing in any given situation and releasing attachment to outcome.

I've lost that at times, but it's powerful stuff.

I know we are all full of ancient wisdom. It's part of my religious belief. Our ancestors wisdom is in our genes. And I call on my them and my grandmothers for help and it comes.

I've known for weeks taht i can't afford to take the kdis to their therapist anymore. So I pray and say, "thank you for sending me where you want the kids to go." Today an old friend called me to talk about yoga, and when she said she had just arrived at work and had to go, I asked where do you work?

One of the only places in the county that will see children on a sliding scale. We did a phone intake and are on the wait list.

See? The answers come if you just ask in faith.

Also, I realized today that as I detach from AH--no micromanaging his affairs--I am left with myself and the neglect I've doled out to the essential parts of my life while I was trying to run his. What a relief.
One of my friends recently said,"transform, you may feel differently but to others you appear to go face first into every situation without fear." That was amazing to hear. I think I am relatively fearless, but it's anger I struggle with , which is still fear, just relocated..

But I like learning that I'm only in charge of myself, and I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned. I"m learning to be brave in my beautiful mistakes..

[gerryP]

Ah yes...Mistakes.

i used to be so afraid of making mistakes, that I would do nothing. You see, if I did nothing...I couldn't make a mistake. Yeah, that's productive and forward moving. Now I do the best I can with the facts and resources I have at that time, exercising my best options. If it doesn't work out, well, maybe it was a mistake. So what. I made a mistake....

[LaTeeDa]

Originally Posted by gerryP

Ah yes...Mistakes.

i used to be so afraid of making mistakes, that I would do nothing. You see, if I did nothing...I couldn't make a mistake. Yeah, that's productive and forward moving. Now I do the best I can with the facts and resources I have at that time, exercising my best options. If it doesn't work out, well, maybe it was a mistake. So what. I made a mistake....

I can so relate to this. Perfectionism as a result of growing up in an alcoholic home. At least that's where the fear of failure came into it for me.

Now, I see life as a big ongoing classroom. Mistakes are simply the lessons.

L

[naive]

the question i keep asking myself is

what desire of mine is keeping me in this relationship?

buddha said the root of all suffering is desire.

it was a tough question to answer. part of it was a lifestyle i wanted. xABF was a shellfish worker, travelling and camping and working on remote shores. i loved doing that too, however, not because of the cash, but because of the quiet and peace out there in no man's land.

for me, once i determined this desire, i could then choose to let go of it and move forward with the rest of my life.

[gerryP]

Ah Ha...LD

My penchant for perfectionism came from growing up with a Mother who was Boarderline Personality Disordered. Ouch!

Thing with life I'm finding is that once I think I have it all figured out...the rules change. So on I go... keep doing the best I can and yes...in some situations my best was good enough. One's best is all one can do.

I may not make the same mistake twice, I just make different ones and yes I too learn from them. I see life as an ongoing classroom also and even have a few degrees from the "School of Hard Knocks"

[cmc]

LaTeeDa, thanks you so much for sharing this topic.

Originally Posted by LaTeeDa

Like many others, I came to this forum seeking answers. Answers to questions like "What should I do in this situation?" Or "How should I respond to that circumstance?" My natural M.O. was crisis management. I had lived with an alcoholic for so long, I had gotten very adept at micro-managing every aspect of life. So much so, that I lost sight of the big picture.

It may sound too simplistic, but it was this very thing(crisis management) that brought me to the realization that I had hit a brick wall and that obviously needed help. I 'hit bottom' in stages and I continue to grow and change with each new challenge & phase of my life. The difference for me now is that I have some good framework to follow, along with the knowledge and experience that I have gained by my own efforts, successes and failures too.

Today I was reminded that it's not about finding the answers. It's really about learning the right questions. SR, Alanon, therapy, etc. will only frustrate you if all you want are answers.

And....if all I get are answers, I have been 'in effect' given a fish but not taught how to catch my own dinner. jmho...it's not the most respectful thing I could do for someone else by taking away their dignity and right to choose or do for themselves. I certainly would not allow someone else to do that to me.

This is just one more reason why appreciate sharing only from experience, keeping in mind that it's not up to me to do the work for someone else; nor is it alright for anyone else to do it for me. I love sharing ESH...but more than that, I appreciate it when others allow me to be myself and to find my own way.

Of note...it wasn't until I was on the receiving end of codie behavior that I realized what it can be like on the other side of it. Today, I'm grateful to share the respect of several people close to me. These people will listen and share but not tell me what to do...and I try to reciprocate with the same..


I know I wanted someone to tell me what to do. Tell me which action to take that would yeild the desired outcome. I didn't want to ask myself the hard questions. I had grown accustomed to my little box and I wasn't interested in venturing outside it, thank you very much. Just tell me what I need to do to make things work the way I want them to and I will be on my way, lol.

My experience was a bit different, because I had read tons of recovery material in relation to my work and church activities; before I was faced with addiction in my own family. I knew the practical stuff and could often recongnize it in others.

What I needed was to listen and learn about what was going in in _me_ in order to get past some of my denial. I really did not 'see' things as they were. I already knew alot about this recovery stuff...but desparately needed to find more personal awarness...acceptance and action.

The answers are always found inside us. We just need to learn to ask the right questions. I am grateful for the insights I get from this forum every day.

Me too. It's not easy to seek change and it requires courage to do the work.

Thanks again for sharing, this is a great thread.

L

[LaTeeDa]

I thought of some more.

Why did I cling so desperately to a relationship that caused me so much pain and misery?

Why was I so eager to believe his words, even when they were the polar opposite of his actions?

What was I teaching my children by my example?

L

[Dreamer42long]

My crosses to bear: perfectionism, altruism, trying so hard to make everyone else happy that I forgot all about making myself happy!

I read a book many years ago when I was at a cross-roads in my life. It helped me to dig deep and go after what I really wanted (at that time it was to go back to school). The book is called Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway. Great book.

Oh and I forgot....I have pages and pages of psycho-dramatically planned speeches that I have written to my ABF, all in a feeble attempt to *convince* him to change his ways, none of which I ever actually used on him. But those pages ended up having a good upside. As I read them now, they all say the SAME thing! 4 years and I'm still writing the SAME story!

I hope that I will someday learn....Being hear certainly helps a great deal!

[Kittyboo]

This thread was much needed! I LOVE the questions posted, and have needed to answer them for a long time.
You are all my knowledge guru's...for sure!