Two year reflection

[nowinsituation]

It was Halloween night 2007. That was the day I knew my marriage was over. A few months earlier I had started to become aware of my husband's drinking problem. My denial was strong and hard to penetrate. It was like a bright light all of a sudden where there had been complete darkness. It was blinding; and it was painful.

Halloween will always bring back those ghosts for me. After the mid-summer confrontation my XAH had claimed to have quit (or at least cut back). I knew he was still drinking; and now he was hiding it from me, he was lying about it. I knew it in my gut, but my gut could not be trusted. Halloween I found it, the stash hidden in the garage rafters.

I moved out, I found SR, I went to Al-anon, I went to therapy. I got a divorce. I read everything I could get my hands on about alcoholism, co-dependency, and ACOA. I didn't think the pain would EVER go away.

The pain went away, but the fear that it will come back is always here. I continue to rely on SR, Al-anon, and other tools to calm myself and to trust my HP. I have a great boyfriend (but what if he leaves me -- or worse?). I just bought a house (but what if I lose my job?).

I started packing this weekend. I had spiral notebooks of raw and emotional journal writings stashed in a few random places around my bedroom. I gathered them all together, put them in order, read a few select pages, and realized just how far I have really come.

I have grown a little bit each day. Something I didn't truly realize until I looked back at where I was. I'm still afraid, and maybe I always will be. But I am also faithful and optimistic.

I remember coming here a few times and pleading for answers. When am I going to feel better? What am I doing wrong? You all always told me to be patient, that it takes time. Thank you!

[Free108]

Thank you so much for the update. I'm 6 weeks into this journey and it helps to hear about the light at the end of the tunnel.

[whyamistaying]

[bookwyrm]